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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2022 17:09

Your husband is useless.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:09

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

If it's in the day time, put your coats on and leave or get in the car and go out. If it's evening just go to bed with the baby and don't emerge until DH tells you she has gone. Why hadn't DH told her already?
I have been going to her house for this exact reason- so I can leave when I've had enough- and it's been working well but DH has invited her to ours 🙄
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:09

@Dozer

Why hasn’t DH already handled this?
He backed me up when I told her this last time and Is just keen for us to get along
OP posts:
Freddiefox · 03/01/2022 17:10

I think this is down to your dh.

Can the offer to drive her home? Or walk her home?

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:11

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

DH says it's rude?! You've got a DH problem not a MIL problem! (Well actually you've got both)
I can see his point to some Extent- that's his mum- but I can't help but feel I'm not being unreasonable in wanting our house and routine to come first
OP posts:
Freddiefox · 03/01/2022 17:11

If he keen for you to get on he needs to be more proactive. Rather than making you bad cop

R0SEMARY · 03/01/2022 17:11

You don’t do anything about your MIL.

You stand up, politely say that you have to put the baby down/ write a report for work / load the dishwasher / lie down because you have a headache. Then you leave the room and once you have done these things you go to your bedroom and relax.

Don’t come out again until your MIL has left or to say goodbye to her.

This will give your husband quality time alone with his mother. If he doesn’t want this time he will soon get rid of her.

As with so many MIL and in law problems, just step back and let your husband deal with it. You will find that many of the issues are soon dealt with by him once they become HIS problem.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:11

@georgarina

Invite her round for a specific time ie 'Would love to have you before we go out in the afternoon'
I have previously made plans later on for this Exact reason but DH just invited her just now so no such luck this time as he knows I have no plans
OP posts:
lobsteroll · 03/01/2022 17:12

Can you go to hers instead? So that you can leave whenever you want.

feelsobadfeltsogood · 03/01/2022 17:12

Go and out your pyjamas on, have a bath and potter round doing jobs and ignore her I would
Your husband needs to have a word here

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:12

@WonderingFree

What does your OH do or say? Think you should leave him to deal with her, say goodnight and go and have a bath
I wouldn't do that /I'd think it rude if he done that to my family
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:13

@Snowiscold

I don’t see why putting pjs on a baby or saying it’s baby’s bedtime would help. If anything, it might encourage her to stay longer- baby’s off to sleep, now time for a bit of adult company, etc.
Never thought about it from this angle.... good point
OP posts:
TooWicked · 03/01/2022 17:13

You need to be clear with your DH...

"DH, your mother and I are never going to get along while she continues to outstay her welcome in our home. It makes me feel frustrated, resentful, and makes me not want to spend any time with her. The direction my relationship with your mother takes from this point forward is all down to you. I've told you my feelings. You can now sort this out once and for all, or accept that I will never 'get along' with her, I will merely tolerate her and at some point I will blow up".

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:13

@Freddiefox

I think this is down to your dh.

Can the offer to drive her home? Or walk her home?

She drives here and DH can't drive
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:14

@Freddiefox

If he keen for you to get on he needs to be more proactive. Rather than making you bad cop
I think he's just wanting us to get on. I'm very close to my family so always feel guilty
OP posts:
wineandsprite · 03/01/2022 17:14

It's not rude to say "Anyway, it's been lovely having you but we really need to get on with the day now, but I was thinking I would come over for a chat on Thursday afternoon if that's okay with you? Great. I will walk you to the car!"

junglejane66 · 03/01/2022 17:14

Take her to Crazy Golf, a la Father Stone

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:15

@R0SEMARY

You don’t do anything about your MIL.

You stand up, politely say that you have to put the baby down/ write a report for work / load the dishwasher / lie down because you have a headache. Then you leave the room and once you have done these things you go to your bedroom and relax.

Don’t come out again until your MIL has left or to say goodbye to her.

This will give your husband quality time alone with his mother. If he doesn’t want this time he will soon get rid of her.

As with so many MIL and in law problems, just step back and let your husband deal with it. You will find that many of the issues are soon dealt with by him once they become HIS problem.

I think you're right. I am Probably being too accommodating with her and if he's having to entertain her and make countless cups of tea then maybe it'll change
OP posts:
iklboo · 03/01/2022 17:15

'Quick! You need to go before we summon The Dark Lord for

Minibea · 03/01/2022 17:15

I have this issue too OP - I’ve started saying “shall I pop the kettle on so you can have one last drink before you go” I then follow up with something along the lines of “no DD, Grandma can’t play that/watch that because she’s going soon” or “I’ll go and get the baby into his pjs so can can give him a kiss before you go”. It’s a nightmare though and honestly it is one of the reasons we don’t see
her more because I can’t ever rely on her being gone at a reasonable time, which in turn I think makes her feel she needs to get every last second in 🙄

mygrandchildrenrock · 03/01/2022 17:17

I offer a last cup of tea/coffee about half an hour before I want guests to go. Along the lines of ‘would you like a drink before you go?’ If they do they know they’re going when they’ve had the drink. If not I’d say a jolly ‘okay then, it’s been lovely having you’ and walk them towards the door! No last drink doesn’t mean staying any longer!

RockinHorseShit · 03/01/2022 17:17

she then phoned DH crying and asking him what my problem was etc which I think is pure manipulation. DH is keen for us to get on, understandably, and has invited her tomorrow 🙄

Oh dear, this isn't good at all & suggests that you have a far bigger problem that will,get worse as your kids age. I'd suggested reading up on narcissistic mothers & sons

HighlandCowbag · 03/01/2022 17:17

Just say that you are going for a shower and to have an early night while she is keeping dh company. And disappear upstairs. Leave snacks at the side of your bed and a good book and make the most of some peace and quiet. If baby bottle fed leave baby downstairs if you want, if not say taking baby to bed.

If dh complains give him a raised eyebrow and say you hope he isn't putting his dm before his wife who is still recovering from pregnancy and giving birth and obviously it's his mum, his invitation and his responsibility to entertain.

WhiteXmas21 · 03/01/2022 17:18

I see that you don’t want to be rude , but it seems that your MIL has no such compunction.
I have had this with relatives visiting for morning coffee ( a surprise visit) then sitting around until mid afternoon. I just say, ‘well hate to push you out but I have things I must do. Lovely to see you’ and I left it to DH.
If it were my family, I would just tell them …

FirewomanSam · 03/01/2022 17:18

I went to an early evening drinks party once and was told it ended at 9pm. At 9pm on the dot the hosts went round and took glasses out of people’s hands (whether empty or not), said goodbye, and ushered everyone out of the door. Part of me thought it was a bit much but part of me respected them for being so clear with their boundaries.

I find that most people understand the universal signal for ‘it’s time to go’: you look around, sigh and kind of slap your thighs and say ‘right! Well, it’s been lovely to see you…’ then stand up. They normally follow suit. It sounds like your MIL needs telling more explicitly than that, though.

If you need to get baby ready for bed then maybe you can say something like ‘we need to do bedtime now, so shall we say goodbye now?’ then leave her to show herself out?

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