Page 17 | Gentle goodbye nudges

NameChangeCity123 · 2022-01-03T16:54:14+00:00

AIBU to ask for help .... How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore. Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH Have already had the 'baby goes Down at this time so we need the house Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored [angry] TIA

Owl55 · 05/01/2022 00:39

Take the baby upstairs and say “I’m sorry were exausted so need to go to bed now goodnight and leave your husband to deal with it x

1ittlegreen · 05/01/2022 01:18

wineandsprite it's not people though, it's his mum ?!?

RantyAunty · 05/01/2022 02:37

Those who think this is ok. Do you really not mind someone coming over and hanging around 7 or 8 hours out of the day?

I can't imagine doing that to my children or anyone.

If we were having a cookout, that might take more than a couple hours, but I wouldn't dream of showing up and sitting like a lump on their sofa for 8 hours expecting to be entertained.

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 05/01/2022 02:54

@1ittlegreen

wineandsprite it's not people though, it's his mum ?!?

this is irrelevant.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2022 04:53

Perhaps she just wants to feel like part of a family and is fed up of her own company?

If even she herself is fed up of her company how does she think everyone else feels.

mathanxiety · 05/01/2022 05:19

when 'next meeting' comes up I'll say she needs to contact me as we have lots of things planned and DH will be working again.

Don't use this wording - I'll say "she needs to contact me as we have lots of things planned and DH will be working again"

It's a big mistake to dance around this. You need to be very firm and assertive.
Use the phrase "We will contact you when it is convenient for us to see you next".
If she tries to set a date for 'next time' as she's heading out the door, tell her you will be in touch. Do not agree to any time she herself suggests even if it happens to be convenient.

This will teach her that your convenience is important.
It's a little formal. It keeps her at arms length.
You don't need a good reason (plans, or DH working) not to see her.
You don't need to let her in on whatever plans you have made or DH's working hours.

Lunde · 05/01/2022 05:43

@1ittlegreen

I'd give anything to have my mil back to sit with us and anything for dh to have his dm back.

Can you not prepare a haven upstairs with tablet, headphones, Wine, cheese plate etc...and retreat up there for the evening after putting baby to bed? If your dh wants to spend time with his mum that's a pretty normal thing. Perhaps she just wants to feel like part of a family and is fed up of her own company?

This is not a little old lady we are talking about.

The MIL is in her 50s, works and has other children and grandchildren in the area whom she sees regularly. She has just got into the habit of expecting OP and baby to entertain her for 8 hours at a time when she's bored. If she just popped in for an hour or two OP would not have this problem.

Also i think OP lives in a small 2 bed flat so nowhere really to escape and when she tries MIL follows her.

Aussiegirl88 · 05/01/2022 05:48

Will you update us with how the visit went and what suggestions you used.

Londoncallingme · 05/01/2022 06:36

If it was said and she cried last time then she prob knows now and will leave on time.
How does it work when your own mum visits? Mine would wash up or iron whilst I put baby to bed then sit all evening - but I loved it.

wineandsprite · 05/01/2022 06:55

@1ittlegreen

wineandsprite it's not people though, it's his mum ?!?

So?!

StressforChristmas · 05/01/2022 09:25

whoever invites her, entertains her.

If DH tells her to come over, you get on with whatever you are doing - if that's going to bed, or having a bath or going to chill out in your room with a book or netflix that's your choice.

What you don't do is wait on her like a guest. She's not your guest, she's DHs. She's positioning herself as family and we dont upend our daily routine for family.

PardonBeeOne · 05/01/2022 10:01

Is it possible that she might be lonely?

ESGdance · 05/01/2022 10:23

@PardonBeeOne

Is it possible that she might be lonely?

Yes I suspect she is - as are many people who are emotionally immature, manipulating, dysfunctional and controlling.

You reap what you sow.

Not the OPs issue to absorb and enable this nonsense into her new little family.

ESGdance · 05/01/2022 10:30

@mathanxiety

when 'next meeting' comes up I'll say she needs to contact me as we have lots of things planned and DH will be working again.

Don't use this wording - I'll say "she needs to contact me as we have lots of things planned and DH will be working again"

It's a big mistake to dance around this. You need to be very firm and assertive.
Use the phrase "We will contact you when it is convenient for us to see you next".
If she tries to set a date for 'next time' as she's heading out the door, tell her you will be in touch. Do not agree to any time she herself suggests even if it happens to be convenient.

This will teach her that your convenience is important.
It's a little formal. It keeps her at arms length.
You don't need a good reason (plans, or DH working) not to see her.
You don't need to let her in on whatever plans you have made or DH's working hours.

I agree with this because with people who push, ignore, manipulate or trample boundaries - you need a different approach because they are not compliant or respectful as normal people are - so you need to put them higher, wider, deeper where YOU are in control. Push her right back so she knows where she stands as she is taking advantage of you.

These are your golden days of motherhood and building your calm and peaceful home - they are precious and go by in a flash - don’t let anyone or anything shadow that - cherish every moment.

anilluminatednewyearforme · 05/01/2022 10:39

I feel your pain OP.

My MIL and FIL are retired but not elderly. Generally I get on brilliantly with them, they're fab grandparents and nice people.

DH works out of home full time and I'm a SAHM to one preschooler and a school age child. I've started volunteering on the days my youngest is at preschool and I had a six week training course that took place on one of the days when youngest was home for two hours in the morning. No problem they said, we will come and watch her for you, go on your course.

So they arrive for 9:30 I leave and come back at 11:30. Make a cup of tea, happy to have a chat for an hour or two maybe afterwards but then need to get on.

They do not leave! I end up offering to make them a sandwich when I make our lunch, ooh lovely they said and settled in! The first week I was so taken aback I didn't say anything...got to school run time and I thought they'd go, nope, they said they'd stay to see eldest child 'for a bit' after school. They left when I put the children to bed at 7pm!

Thought it was maybe a one off but second week they didn't seem to be moving when it got to school run time, and again they stayed until bedtime. So then next week I told them they'd have to go when I left for school because we were going out after school. They stayed until school run time every week after that though. So two hours babysitting in the morning came at a cost of a four hour visit afterwards!

It was so awkward because they were doing me a favour by coming at all, and my children love them. They're really local and we see them all the time so they're not lacking grandparent hours! But it's like they'd decided 'Wednesdays are our day to be at Xs house' and that was that!

Once the course ended I thanked them for helping me out and MIL told me that they would continue coming 'for the day' on a Wednesday... erm no! I just said no need thank you, but that I would take youngest to them sometimes for a change (which I do probably once a week) so then I was in control of when we went home!

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 05/01/2022 11:37

There was nothing rude about saying Thanks and handing her her coat. If she hasn’t got the cop on to take a hint then you are left with little choice. I have often said thanks for popping round but now I must go for a nap/ work/ run errands etc and none of my friends or family have taken offence. How odd to think it’s rude and you should entertain her all day!

ChargingBuck · 05/01/2022 11:42

I hope my children's partners don't treat me with such distain in future.

That's an easy fix @1ittlegreen.
Don't turn up on a near-daily basis uninvited, & squat for 8 hours while expecting to be entertained & waited on, ignoring your DiL's increasingly desperate pleas for you to leave ...

PainterMummy · 05/01/2022 11:47

Well done @NameChangeCity123. Now it is the next day, has there been any backlash via your DH? Wondering if MIL cried to him?

PardonBeeOne · 05/01/2022 13:08

@1ittlegreen

wineandsprite it's not people though, it's his mum ?!?

I am sure we are a minority but I agree with you 100%.

Some people speak as if she is an outsider…

I know I will be flamed but I would not treat my PiLs like this… I wish they lived nearby, I can have them anytime..

IcicleIcicle · 05/01/2022 13:43

Biggest thing that sticks out for me is that you need to stop being constrained in what you say to her by your DH's need to keep the peace. Best thing I ever did was ignore my DH's 'rules' for how to deal with his family and find my own way to communicate and manage my relationship with them.

I'm much more direct (although still kind and polite) than my DH is really comfortable with when dealing with his family but his fears that I would cause upset have never actually materialised. His family seem to respect me as well as genuinely like and love me and I'm close to them all, I would say being honest and direct with them has improved our relationship rather than damaged it and (20 years down the line) DH would now say the same.

Stop listening to what he says is rude and (nicely) tell her when it's time to leave, you might find she takes it better from you than she would from her son. And if not then you just need to keep stating your (perfectly reasonable) boundaries and making it clear that you expect them to be respected in your home, sooner or later both she and DH will have to accept that.

wineandsprite · 05/01/2022 13:47

Some people speak as if she is an outsider...

But she IS an outsider, to the household and to the marriage. She isn't part of her sons relationship fgs!

I know I will be flamed but I would not treat my PiLs like this… I wish they lived nearby, I can have them anytime..

Oh yes, shame on anyone who would dare to have boundaries in their own home, their safe space in the world. The home they themselves pay for. Who doesn't want their routine and their lives disrupted on a regular basis, by anyone, let alone a manipulative and toxic woman child.

And can we just remind ourselves that this woman is putting her own selfish wants and needs over the needs of her sons marriage and more importantly, her grandchild. The OP isn't in the wrong here.

1ittlegreen · 05/01/2022 16:25

wineandsprite tell me you don't have a relationship with your pil without telling me you don't have a relationship with your pil...

You sound like a gatekeeper to me and quite manipulative yourself if you have viewed your own home as your palace and not a shared space between yourself and your partner.

wineandsprite · 05/01/2022 16:47

@1ittlegreen

wineandsprite tell me you don't have a relationship with your pil without telling me you don't have a relationship with your pil...

You sound like a gatekeeper to me and quite manipulative yourself if you have viewed your own home as your palace and not a shared space between yourself and your partner.

I have a great relationship with my PIL and my own parents. But neither get invited before my husband and I have had a discussion about whether or not it's convenient on a certain day. We respect each other.

Please explain exactly how I am manipulative and how I don't see our house as a shared space. Quote posts please, rather than fabricating things.
I mean, it's very clearly quite the opposite, seeing as we don't put each other in situations where we have to go sit in our bedroom like a teenager/leave the house to get away from spending up to 8 hours with someone we aren't in the mood to spend that long with.

SallyWD · 05/01/2022 17:38

I also feel she's probably lonely and will probably end up feeling rejected by being told she has to leave by X time. I do think you should just carry on your normal routine and let DH deal with her (after a brief but friendly chat). It's fine for you to go upstairs, have a bath, read a book, whatever. I just feel uncomfortable about telling her she has to leave at a certain time. I can imagine both of my parents being lonely and just wanting the comfort of being in our house with family. Its not OK if this is happening several days a week. That's too much but can't she come over just once a week or something and stay until late evening? I personally would feel very hurt if my mum firmly told me I had to leave her house by 6pm. I do know what it's like. My Asian MIL comes to stay for many weeks at a time! At first I would wait on her and feel I had to be with her all the time chatting but I realised that isn't sustainable. It exhausted me (especially as I'm an introvert). Now when she's here I'm friendly and polite but I get on with my life. If I want to be on my own I leave the room. She understands I need time out. My DH knows she's his responsibility and he'll take her out and about to give me a break.

Av0bo55 · 05/01/2022 20:18

This is so annoying it sounds just like my mil! I just don’t get it and your dh sounds like mine too!
It’s tricky I’ve been there and actually fallen out with them both because of this exact same thing!
I hope it doesn’t come to that but if she’s anything like mine she’ll manipulate and act selfishly anyhow
And he will carry on not trying to ruffle any feathers!