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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 03/01/2022 17:18

Crossed post Minibea!

AsymQuestion · 03/01/2022 17:18

Tell him to stop it. Stop asking her over when you've just sat for 9 hours unable to do the things you want and need to when you have a new baby. Tell him you're mentally exhausted of hosting for long hours when you're tired. Remind him you make regular visits to her and that she has no reason to cry because she has plenty of quality time. Tell him it's the sheer length of time that is unreasonable and stifling.

I feel for you, that would drive me mad.

DoThePropeller · 03/01/2022 17:19

My favourite with my in-laws is “would you like a cup of tea before you go?” About an hour before I want them to leave. Have cuppa. Usher them out the door.

Holly60 · 03/01/2022 17:20

What would you say to your own mum? Can’t you say a version of this to your MIL?? I’m a MIL and I’d hate to think my DSIL or DDIL couldn’t just say to me basically what they say to their own mums.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 17:21

Stop offering refreshments about an hour before you need her to leave. Do not feed her an evening meal. Say " I would offer you dinner but baby kept me up all night/ we only have 2 steaks/ other random excuse".

1FootInTheRave · 03/01/2022 17:21

Your dh is pathetic.

Seems like she'll give him the harder time so better to appease her than consider your feelings.

SwaylorTwift · 03/01/2022 17:21

Why can't adults be in the house when baby goes to bed? Curious.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 17:21

@feelsobadfeltsogood

Go and out your pyjamas on, have a bath and potter round doing jobs and ignore her I would Your husband needs to have a word here
I think I'm going to do things round the house after sitting for hour or so and hope she takes that as a cue
OP posts:
StCharlotte · 03/01/2022 17:22

@mygrandchildrenrock

I offer a last cup of tea/coffee about half an hour before I want guests to go. Along the lines of ‘would you like a drink before you go?’ If they do they know they’re going when they’ve had the drink. If not I’d say a jolly ‘okay then, it’s been lovely having you’ and walk them towards the door! No last drink doesn’t mean staying any longer!
Yes I find an offer of another drink often prompts a departure (even when I want them to stay Grin).
DoctorSnortles · 03/01/2022 17:22

I would say, ‘Shall we have one last cup of tea and then we’ll pop the baby in the pram and walk you home. We could all do with a leg stretch and some fresh air.’ Then you do just that.

If you don’t fancy the palaver of getting the baby in the pram, say your DH could do with some fresh air and will walk her home.

wineandsprite · 03/01/2022 17:22

@SwaylorTwift

Why can't adults be in the house when baby goes to bed? Curious.
Oh fgs, she wants the bloody woman out of the house because it's her house and she wants to feel completely at ease! That's not so weird is it?
TooWicked · 03/01/2022 17:23

@SwaylorTwift

Why can't adults be in the house when baby goes to bed? Curious.
Most normal people might think that when a couple have put their baby to bed, they're probably ready for and possibly even desperate for some alone/down time.
ParkingDiagram · 03/01/2022 17:23

Reading with interest because I have the same problem. She will come for lunch at 12 but still be there 6 hours later.

Asking her to leave is a no-no because she’s very touchy, would take offence and DH would also be pissed off.

Putting on my pyjamas is a non-starter because it’s frankly weird at 6pm.

She’s made a few comments recently about never being invited to our house and I’ve told DH it’s because she stays so long and I find it draining but he’s not keen on addressing it because he doesn’t want to upset her.

wineandsprite · 03/01/2022 17:24

@ParkingDiagram

Reading with interest because I have the same problem. She will come for lunch at 12 but still be there 6 hours later.

Asking her to leave is a no-no because she’s very touchy, would take offence and DH would also be pissed off.

Putting on my pyjamas is a non-starter because it’s frankly weird at 6pm.

She’s made a few comments recently about never being invited to our house and I’ve told DH it’s because she stays so long and I find it draining but he’s not keen on addressing it because he doesn’t want to upset her.

So he would rather have you upset?
R0SEMARY · 03/01/2022 17:24

Oh and he is setting you up to argue with your MIL. He tells that you that he’s “ keen to get on “ and he complains to you you that she stays too long.

But when you try to get MIL to leave, he complains about you.

He gets you to text his mother for him and be the bad guy so you do his dirty work for him. He gets to be the lovely son who would do anything for his mother and you get to be the bitch of a DIL.

He’s NOT keen for you and your MIL to get on. He’s keen to create drama between you while he gets to be the poor bloke who wrings his hands helplessly while he is torn apart by the two women in his life fighting over him.

He gets to be the centre of attention while you both hold his hand and tell him that you understand how hard it must be for him , poor lamb.

You need to step right back from this game, I’m warning you now. If you don’t stop now you have years of grief ahead of you as he manipulates you both. It will only get worse as baby gets older.

LightBulbous · 03/01/2022 17:25

@NameChangeCity123 I think he's just wanting us to get on. I'm very close to my family so always feel guilty

Remind your DH that you won’t get on if he lets her behaviour build resentment in you. He needs to keep her within your rules or else you’ll end up resenting her… then him… and then nobody will get on.

ifonly4 · 03/01/2022 17:25

Unless you've specifically invited someone around for the evening, I don't think it's unreasonable to put your pjs on if it's a regular thing and family.

One thing I wouldn't be doing is offering her a drink/tea, it'll only make her feel she's welcome. My BIL started turning up at 3pm without invitation - we offered them tea a couple of times, but I got fed up of it happening on a regular basis especially as they eat masses, so we stopped offering them drinks/something to eat - we get together by mutual arrangement now.

beastlyslumber · 03/01/2022 17:26

"If you're planning on staying longer, MIL, could you just load the dishwasher/fold the laundry/mop the floor/peel the potatoes..."

You can only 'host' someone for 30-60 mins, tops, when you've got a new little one. If she refuses to take a hint, give her a list of jobs to do. She might actually make herself useful. Or she'll take offence and flounce out. Either way, it's a decent result.

NameChanged15729 · 03/01/2022 17:26

Join the club. I’ve very nearly been driven to tears by this in the past. Mil lives around a three hour drive away and needs to be driven by her husband as she won’t drive it. Mil‘s husband is not dh’s dad and is a vile man who I can barely stand having in the house. When they visit they are here for hours on end, last time it was gone 8 by the time they left because step fil likes to get his monies worth from the drive Hmm.
Doesn’t matter that we have two children who need routine and bed or that I’m 9 months pregnant and exhausted. Just continue sitting on your arse being waited on while creating more mess you won’t even attempt to clean up. Before falling asleep on the sofa for three hours.
Sorry rant over! I feel your pain.

Newyearoldyou · 03/01/2022 17:28

Op I totally agree with everyone else, you have a dh issue. However you need to physically remove yourself.

Put the baby down, say goodnight and leave the room!!
Glance to dh.. I'm settling him please look after your mum and leave them to it.

Suzanne999 · 03/01/2022 17:28

Would you like to use the bathroom before you leave?
Or
Would you like a cup of tea before you leave?

I like the European countries that have a set thing you serve when you want guests to leave. I think we should start this in Britain

Pickles89 · 03/01/2022 17:29

Say it's time you got on with cleaning now and literally place the hoover or mop into her hands. She can either stay and clean or make a hasty getaway.

ShadowGirls · 03/01/2022 17:29

I'd go upstairs, put the baby to bed and not come down until she's gone or just get on with your evening in another room. Leave DH with her

Joystir59 · 03/01/2022 17:31

Would you like a cuppa before you head home? Asked an hour before you need her to leave by. If she says no then say you will fetch her coat, thanking her her a lovely visit and saying you look forward to next time.

Tal45 · 03/01/2022 17:31

If he really wanted you to get on he wouldn't invite her round without talking to you about it first and he would be clear to her that she can't stay all day and put some boundaries in place. He sounds like a pathetic mummies boy to me - and he expects you to 'get on with her' entirely on her terms.

Mummies boys who allow themselves to be emotionally manipulated and can't put in any boundaries give me the ick.

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