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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 22:19

@ThinWomansBrain

apparently friends of friends have a piss off goodby soundtrack.

Compilation of songs with a "goodbye" theme.

GrinGrinGrin absolutely love this
OP posts:
Emerald5hamrock · 03/01/2022 22:21

People like that blatantly ignore any hints.
My ex friend was unbelievable I'd be inches from pushing her out the door after hours of goodbyes.
It's the main reason why I ended the friendship.

pengu · 03/01/2022 22:21

@Suzanne999

Would you like to use the bathroom before you leave? Or Would you like a cup of tea before you leave?

I like the European countries that have a set thing you serve when you want guests to leave. I think we should start this in Britain

Someone explain what's served?
Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 22:35

@NameChangeCity123. I think you need to put this thread to bed OP....you have posted 135 times over the last 5.5 hours....go spend some time with your baby and partner

TwinkleTwinkleLittleStarFightr · 04/01/2022 01:04

[quote Kitkat151]@NameChangeCity123. I think you need to put this thread to bed OP....you have posted 135 times over the last 5.5 hours....go spend some time with your baby and partner[/quote]
I can’t figure out if that is very patronising, or very droll?

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 04/01/2022 03:45
backtolifebacktoreality · 04/01/2022 03:59

You could just say "I'm so sorry but I'm really tired and need to go to bed. I'll leave you with DH".

wineandsprite · 04/01/2022 04:44

@Pottedpalm

Is it really a problem if she sits on the settee with a cup of tea while you put the baby to ned snd do your thing round the house? Must be horrible to not feel wanted.
I can only speak for myself but yes, it would be a massive problem for me to have MIL sat on the sofa while I am trying to get on with my day, even if "getting on with my day" is watching a show on netflix I have been looking forward to. I want to put my feet up, ugly cry at the sad bits and laugh at the dirty or inappropriate jokes without having to think about what someone (other than husband) thinks of me for it. If I'm cleaning I want to get in my cleaning clothes, which are inappropriate for someone other than my husband to see me in frankly, as I tend to get very hot when I clean. I also often get online to play games with friends and use voice chat while doing that. I'm not going to sit on voice chat with MIL 5 meters away listening to me chatting to my friends about the game or other things.

Unless previously agreed, my MIL has no right to stop me doing these things in my own house.

And I must say OP, I am very unimpressed with your husband inviting her over without discussing with you first. Yes, it is his mum but it is also your house. My husband would never invite anyone over without asking me if it's convenient first.

Gooseysgirl · 04/01/2022 05:09

Just a thought, but could you and DH take advantage of her being there and feck off out for a drink while she babysits? Get DH to suggest it...

workingtheusername · 04/01/2022 07:26

I would struggle with a visitor there for so long! I would entertain for a reasonable time then say 'we are going to be getting lo ready for bed now so probably a good time for you to have a last cuddle and say good night' then I would go upstairs with baby get them off to bed and leave oh to deal with goodbyes.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2022 07:42

Your mil sounds rather manipulative and you have had some brilliant advice. My mother would have completely taken over had I let her. She was paving the way whilst I was pregnant but I put in firm boundaries. It was difficult and I struggled to put boundaries in with dh’s family so I totally understand where you are coming from.

As many others has said, not getting caught up in the volatile emotions but standing back and leaving your mil to it is the only way you can deal with this. Your dh is too enmeshed and in the FOG. He has been trained to appease her to your detriment. She sounds emotionally very much like an overgrown toddler and because of this, it sounds as though is your dh doesn’t fully have an understanding of boundaries either, how families function, acceptable behaviour, emotions and so forth. Why would he when he hasn’t had a role model to take him through these?

It would be good if some time in the future your dh could read toxic parents and / or perhaps have some therapy. Hopefully you will be able to give him lots of hints and tips once you’ve gone through your book.

It is going to be tough to stay strong with her, with them. Unfortunately you do have a bit of a fight on your hands. Good luck with today and try to enjoy your baby. This is supposed to be the best of times right now.

NoToLandfill · 04/01/2022 07:50

OP please listen to Rosemary. She has it exactly spot on.

hoomae · 04/01/2022 08:55

I haven't read all of the posts but wow she sounds manipulative.

This would drive me absolutely nuts. My MIL used to turn up unannounced every day but would only stay for an hour. That infuriated me so I can't even begin to imagine how pissed off you are.

Can you tell her you've got plans at a certain time and just leave the house? Bit more difficult if your partner won't go along with it. Why does he even want his Mum there half the day? Urg

MaryLennoxsScowl · 04/01/2022 09:15

Good luck today, OP! I was thinking, why not start prepping your DH to be wary of her calls? Say, ‘wish me luck, I’m going to try to gently explain to your mum that she can’t stay all day. Bet she calls you crying!’ Make a joke of her propensity to tantrum and do it before she does it so he’s ready. Then when he calls to say she cried, you laugh and say you owe me a tenner, I told you she’d be on to you with the crocodile tears! He’ll soon start to realise he’s being manipulated if you can predict her outbursts.

Bollindger · 04/01/2022 09:40

You have a DH problem.
Ok honey, I have told you about your mum overstatying once baby goes to bed, I am having a bath, tonight, if you get rid of her. You might get lucky.....wink.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 04/01/2022 10:00

@Bollindger

You have a DH problem. Ok honey, I have told you about your mum overstatying once baby goes to bed, I am having a bath, tonight, if you get rid of her. You might get lucky.....wink.
Thank you so much everyone I'll be putting all your good advice to use today! Was up with baby at least every hour since 2am so think that will help me be assertive when I want the house back, silver linings and all that! Thanks again everyone, much appreciated
OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 04/01/2022 10:06

Speak to your DH before she arrives & agree a time that you want her to leave by eg 4pm. DH then has 30 mins to politely get her out of the house, but if she’s still there at 4.30 start using the ‘I’ll get your coat’ strategies discussed up thread.

In fact, it might help your DH to see the issue, if between you, you make a list of all the strategies you’ll use. Start off with subtle eg ‘a last cup of tea before you go’ & end with not-at-all subtle eg setting off the fire alarm to evacuate the building. Have a bet on how far down the list you’ll need to go before she leaves.

I think you should look at this as a MIL training session, so when she does finally leave, ‘reward’ her with a promise to pop by on a specific day.

Snog · 04/01/2022 11:53

Decide in your own mind how long YOU would like the visit to last for. Then when it is over as far as you are concerned just say " MIL thank you so much for coming to see us, I need to kick you out now as I have to rest. Would you like to meet up on Thursday?"

ESGdance · 04/01/2022 11:57

It’s interesting that she kicks off at your DH behind closed doors - but just does the passive aggressive ignoring with you.

I would be direct and calm as well as insistent and assertive - and even get her to agree in front of you both that she is not going to kick off at your DH.

Calm spot light on the behaviours - sun-light is the best disinfectant.

Show your DH that the world doesn’t implode because his mother flounces and cries …. nonsense!

Youmeandourthree · 04/01/2022 17:36

would she like to put the baby to bed? My folks loved getting my baby ready for bed and reading stories and bath time, bottle time when they got the chance. It could be a would you like to help before you go? alternatively if it doesn't work you could cuddle with the baby on the bed and have a nap...

Yespresh · 04/01/2022 17:49

Need an update. Heard from her today?

Mandyjack · 04/01/2022 17:54

That's what I thought

Mandyjack · 04/01/2022 17:56

Have you considered she's probably lonely and missing adult company? She's obviously not taking the hint so either you go to bed and leave DH with her saying sorry I'm going to bed as very tired or you say sorry to be rude but we are both tired. I wouldn't say 9pm was late for a close relative TBH

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2022 18:03

Honestly, if my DH was WFH and invited his mother (or anyone) to come over, I'd be escorting them down the hall and into his office saying "You invited your mother (or whoever) over to see you, here she is", shut the door and walk away.

My DH had a bachelor friend he invited over just about every weekend to BBQ and watch sports or do their sport together. He was in the services, lonely, and far from home. He was a lovely guy but he just never knew when it was time to leave. I grinned and bore it because he was so lovely, always bringing me flowers or chocs for 'putting up with him' and cleaning up after himself.

Until DH one night got up and went to bed, leaving me with to entertain his friend. DH caught holy hell for that one! Thereafter, lovely friend must have thought I had a dirty head phobia, because I got up when I was 'fed up' and announced 'I need to wash my hair' and would never reappear. I'd decamp to the bedroom to watch TV or read.

StaplesCorner · 04/01/2022 18:04

OP posted 10am, do you think MiL is still sat there?