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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 04/01/2022 19:53

Poor you. No advice but she sounds like a nightmare!

Kitkat151 · 04/01/2022 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

RantyAunty · 04/01/2022 20:04

Well done. You've made progress

Where was DH?

Bertiebiscuit · 04/01/2022 20:08

If she is this tone deaf just LIE ffs "I have to go out" "so and so is coming over" "I'm going to have an early night" etc etc etc

RavingAnnie · 04/01/2022 20:19

She's family. If you have had enough socialising go up to your room and chill up there. Personally your DH is still happy to have her there? It's not all about you!

Middleagedspreadisreal · 04/01/2022 20:51

This sounds very sad for mil. She obviously loves being around the baby, I totally understand that tbh, but understand you need boundaries. I think the three of you should sit down together and each speak in turn as to what you want/what your expectations are. You're going to be in each others lives a long time and can both be helpful to each other, now and in the future. Causing upset and bad feeling is unecessary. Do it face to face, calmly, when baby's asleep & you can all give the situation full attention. I can see both sides. I sympathise with you, but I really feel for your mil.

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 21:04

I think it is not up to the OP to ensure her lonely MIL is entertained.

She married her son and they are related but that doesn't mean her MIL can impose on her time, endlessly, during her mat leave.

Her husband needs to spend more one on one time with her if he is concerned about her.

I cannot imagine anything worse than someone thinking they were entitled to loads of my time, in my home, every week, just because I have had their grandchild.

The OP is entitled to quiet enjoyment of her home.

Angrywife · 04/01/2022 21:07

My way of dealing with it was to stop inviting them, and ensuring I was out if dh invited them!!
I managed to go years without having to interact with them.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 04/01/2022 21:16

@Angrywife

My way of dealing with it was to stop inviting them, and ensuring I was out if dh invited them!! I managed to go years without having to interact with them.
Thanks again everyone, had some Great advice and am Feeling much better about the situation and tackling it going forward. Hopefully anyone else in the same Situation is able To resolve it soon and has also found this thread useful Smile
OP posts:
Laurie000 · 04/01/2022 21:18

Can you rope your mum in to help you out? When MIL comes around send your mum a sly message to randomly drop in and then after a couple of hours have your mum say something like “oh look at the time, we’d best let you put the baby to bed”.

1ittlegreen · 04/01/2022 21:27

I'd give anything to have my mil back to sit with us and anything for dh to have his dm back.

Can you not prepare a haven upstairs with tablet, headphones, Wine, cheese plate etc...and retreat up there for the evening after putting baby to bed? If your dh wants to spend time with his mum that's a pretty normal thing. Perhaps she just wants to feel like part of a family and is fed up of her own company?

lionsandwhales · 04/01/2022 21:27

My FIL used to come around at really inconvenient times e. G just before kids bedtime. Sometimes he would stay for hours a d I really just wanted to veg in front or go to bed at a decent time.
He oaased last year and so glad I never confronted him over it and would give anything for an inconvient and prolonged visit. 😔

lionsandwhales · 04/01/2022 21:28

"Passed"

wineandsprite · 04/01/2022 21:34

@1ittlegreen

I'd give anything to have my mil back to sit with us and anything for dh to have his dm back.

Can you not prepare a haven upstairs with tablet, headphones, Wine, cheese plate etc...and retreat up there for the evening after putting baby to bed? If your dh wants to spend time with his mum that's a pretty normal thing. Perhaps she just wants to feel like part of a family and is fed up of her own company?

Well it's a lovely idea for OPs DH to spend time with his mum. They can do that at her house though, so that OP can feel comfortable in her own.
Olu123 · 04/01/2022 22:03

If she lives that close and comes around often I wouldn’t see her as a guest.
I.e. i wouldn’t feel I had to sit stiffly/ formally with her to chat etc I would get on with anything I had to do, have a snooze or whatever while she made herself at home and maybe even get her to help out with stuff

ChargingBuck · 04/01/2022 22:14

Have already had the 'baby goes Down at this time so we need the house Empty by this time'

Next time she comes, say this again.
Only this time - mean it.

The time comes "as I said MiL, baby goes down now, so we need the house empty"
If she does not leave - say it again.

If she STILL does not leave - go & get her coat. Start putting it on her, with a bright smile & cheery "lovely having you, see you next time".

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2022 22:16

She's family. If you have had enough socialising go up to your room and chill up there. Personally your DH is still happy to have her there? It's not all about you!

Tell me how you didn’t read all of OP’s posts without actually saying you didn’t. In what world is it ok to completely ignore agreed boundaries and timings, cry to your son about his wife because you couldn’t get your way of things, and to stay at someone’s house for hours on end with no consideration of their time?

k1233 · 04/01/2022 22:17

Sometimes you need to tackle things head on and not hint. It's a hard conversation but will stop misunderstanding.

MIL I enjoy your visits. However, I hate having to say this, but you stay too long. That's making me anxious about you coming over, and that's a shame. I'd love you to keep visiting, but need visits to be max 2hrs.

If you feel the need to explain more say you've got a daily routine with the baby. She'd understand how that makes life so much easier. When she's there for a long time, it throws it all out. Then finish off with how great it is that you are able to talk openly about these things with her. You hear of other MILs being so horrible and you've really lucked out having such an understanding MIL.

Some of that might not be right but, outside of overstaying her welcome, you don't seem to have any other issues with her. Incorporate what you like about her into your message. Finish off with a bit of positivity, never hurts to make people feel appreciated.

ChargingBuck · 04/01/2022 22:20

Invite her round for a specific time ie 'Would love to have you before we go out in the afternoon'

I have previously made plans later on for this Exact reason but DH just invited her just now so no such luck this time as he knows I have no plans

So what?
When DH pulls this stunt on you - leave him to entertain her & look after the baby.
You don't have to sit there like a stuffed shirt.
Be warm & polite, then say you are nipping out. Go to a cafe with a book ... go & see a mate ... go & have a nap or soak in the bath.

FFS - if DH invites her, DH gets to do the entertaining.

1ittlegreen · 04/01/2022 22:30

wineandsprite
Well it's a lovely idea for OPs DH to spend time with his mum. They can do that at her house though, so that OP can feel comfortable in her own.

But it's his house too! What about what he wants? I don't understand couples who put their own wants and needs before their partner's feelings. He can have his own mother round when he likes and op is perfectly capable of getting on with her own thing if she wants to.

I hope my children's partners don't treat me with such distain in future.

tkwal · 04/01/2022 22:35

She's your mother in law, your DCs grandmother. When my kids were young neither my MIL or my Mum would have come just to "visit" They were both family to us and having them there meant we got some time to do other stuff because they were delighted to have time with the child(ren) or they actually helped with housework. We appreciated either option and we certainly never had to think they had out stayed their welcome

wineandsprite · 04/01/2022 22:42

@1ittlegreen

wineandsprite Well it's a lovely idea for OPs DH to spend time with his mum. They can do that at her house though, so that OP can feel comfortable in her own.

But it's his house too! What about what he wants? I don't understand couples who put their own wants and needs before their partner's feelings. He can have his own mother round when he likes and op is perfectly capable of getting on with her own thing if she wants to.

I hope my children's partners don't treat me with such distain in future.

But she can't though, can she. Because she has a woman sitting there stopping her getting on with her things in her own house. I can't imagine being such a shit to my husband that I would invite people over for hours on end and make him uncomfortable in the house he pays for. If he doesn't feel up to company, I will go to my friends/family or we simply go out.

If you behave like this MIL, they will. And if you do behave like this MIL, I hope your children sees you for what you are as well.

Passtherioja · 04/01/2022 22:42

MIL is making herself part of the household so embrace it-pop your pjs on, whip your bra off, pour a glass of wine, kick back like she's not there...to be fair, if I did that she'd soon leave!!

phoenixrosehere · 04/01/2022 23:22

I can't imagine being such a shit to my husband that I would invite people over for hours on end and make him uncomfortable in the house he pays for. If he doesn't feel up to company, I will go to my friends/family or we simply go out.

Right.

OP has said several times that their home is quite small so it’s not so simple as moving to another room and when OP has moved to another room just to put the baby down, MIL is right up under her. She has also said she likes short visits with everyone not just MIL so she isn’t singling MIL out and was happy to take the baby to her MIL. OP is not obligated to spend hours with her MIL when her own son isn’t doing the same and MIL can’t even respect the timings she agreed to nor accept simple boundaries. Why should OP have to just grin and bear it when it’s her bearing the brunt of it all while her MIL ignores agreed timings and cries to her DH when she can’t have things her way, and showing little thought to her son’s wife.

LouBan · 04/01/2022 23:24

You might just have to be blunt. Why should you suffer because she can't take a hint? My MIL isn't great about taking hints. She and my DH both have quite loud voices and once they were having a conversation while I was trying to get my DD to sleep. I asked them to speak more quietly as she was about to nod off in my arms and I was going to put her in her cot. My MIL not only doesn't quieten down but starts talking to my DD saying things like, "You going to bed! Have sweet dreams. You going to have a lovely sleep." This of course woke her up and I just lost it. I yelled, "What is wrong with you? I asked you to be quiet!" I think she was so shocked that I yelled at her because she didn't say anything but she hasn't done it again!