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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
Fredstheteds · 04/01/2022 18:05

I would insist in meeting her at the park, do the take the buggy... tea in thermos then head home. Stops what I call the sitting brigade...

Psychonabike · 04/01/2022 18:11

I think you need to be pro-active about these things, especially when she's nearby and you are committed to a harmonious relationship in the long term.

Next time she visits, how about an adult conversation about it:

"MIL, now that we have baby, I know you'll want to visit often. I'm so glad you are keen to be in baby's life. I'm not really a dropping round randomly or unannounced kind of person so let's agree a regular time(s) that suit all of us so that there's no awkwardness going forward in the long term"

Then suggest start and finish times and frequencies that suit you. E.g. 11-2, 3-5 on a Sunday or whatever. Keep using language that leaves no vagueness -"so 2 hours on a Sunday morning then?" until it's agreed.

Absolutely confirm these as a date and tell her you will put it on your calender.

The first few times have something in mind you are doing at the end of the allotted time (e.g. "it's been so nice to see you, DH and I are off to do xyz...got a film planned for...would you like a cup of tea before you go...").

It takes a bit of training, but you just have to master being polite and assertive. You aren't responsible for her emotional baggage or problems respecting normal boundaries.

She may balk, complain it's too formal etc -don't respond to any criticism of the plan as though it's personal -a vague "I guess we're all different" "Different people have different preferences with this sort of thing" "Best to avoid any bad feeling by agreeing something that suits us all" "Would hate to have resentment build by not agreeing something that makes us all happy".

Life changes, and dealing with it like this allows you to make explicit adjustments in the future. "MIL we have a stressful and busy week with xyz going on, can we drop the visit on a Wednesday and we'll see you for your usual Sunday visit."

Pr1mr0se · 04/01/2022 18:17

Don't let her in if it's not convenient. Invite her and then definitely have an appointment to attend to at a specific time so you have to go. If all else fails you could try getting it on with her son in front of her, despite the baby she is probably the type to still be in denial about that sort of thing!

Payitforward55 · 04/01/2022 18:34

In our family we say, right I'm not throwing you out, but out you go. It's a running joke tbf but also works.
Is your mother-in-law lonely? Sounds like she likes to spend time with the baby. Hopefully that means you have an ontap baby sitter.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/01/2022 18:36

How did today go @NameChangeCity123? Is she still there?

cherish123 · 04/01/2022 18:46

If it's very late (i.e. past your bedtime) I'd just go to bed. I think DH has to have a word. 8 hrs is a long time.

maybloss2 · 04/01/2022 18:47

I’d be honest. Ie I know it’s upset you but please don’t take this personally we love seeing you, but having a guest for a whole day is very wearing. And not good for getting our family routines going.
My daughters always make me feel really welcome, and it’s different from you as we live too far apart not to stay over. But they also know that I will help out whilst there, if it’s needed, and don’t expect to be waited on. Can you ask her to help out? I also arrange with them before I arrive how long my stay is. I think this is just sensible. My eldest always says you can stay longer and I think that’s the best time to leave!-before people are fed up with you!
Good luck with it.
Ps leaving it to hubby may backfire, he is caught between two people he cares about. Best to be calm and friendly but direct too. She may think she’s being rejected, you can put her straight on this. Even give her a hug. If you think you will need it in the future say we hope you will know baby well enough to babysit at some point, so this isn’t about not wanting you here, or in our baby’s life.

Evan456 · 04/01/2022 18:51

I would carry on as if she wasn’t there

RaimbowMama · 04/01/2022 18:55

I feel your pain. My MIL used to do this for first month of my little one's life, and because I felt tierd and vulnerable didn't have it in myself to tell her to go cause as she was doing my head in.
Now if she remotely tries it, i make a song and dance making little one give grandma night night kisses and one last cuddle. And then making a point of "I probs won't see you again tonight as I'll be awhile settling him" Telling my wife infront of MIL that tea is in oven and will be done, and how ti rd we are can we eat in bed etc. All the big massive f**k off hints to MIL in the politest way. And I make sure I have a book/magazine upstairs, nice drink ready for it she's not gone by time little ones asleep. Few nights of my wife having to sit with her mum awkwardly in living room wasting time she could be doing something relaxing soon made her have words with her mum Wink

If all else fails, tell your DH to deal with it. His mum his problem. I made my wife deal with her own mum and has made us such a stronger team for it.

NameChangeCity123 · 04/01/2022 19:07

Hi everyone
A we update...

MiL arrived 40 mins after the agreed time (no apology or explanation why) to find the baby just nodding off. She had a wee cuddle and I made her a cuppa. I then said I'd take the baby back to get him to settle and she said 'oh I'll just keep him just now' so I said 'that's fine it will let me hang the washing up' which I did and then took him back, no chat, just lifted him. I then said 'you'll be able to have your tea now' this was quite good as I felt it was a compromise but also clear boundaries. She was clearly pissed but so what.

She was then dragging her feet about leaving after 2 hours but I didn't offer more tea and just asked what she had planned for the rest of the day. I said I was talking baby for a long walk and going to listen to my podcast so I could have some peace. She then made to leave but stopped to carry on with the baby who had just woken but was clearly going to go back over. I then said 'okay nana we will see you on weds (she is coming for tea Confused) and got between her and baby as she had been trying to interact with him for a good 10 mins by then and I was keen for him to go back to sleep. She was clearly annoyed at not being able to sit and play with him more but again, over it.

She then tried to engage me in convo on the doorstep about the stair storage door being open (my neighbour was in their cupboard) at which point I just said 'yeah it's fine they will lock it when they finish. Enjoy the rest of your day, see you next week' and just closed the door.

May sound harsh but glad I was more firm than normal. Hope weds goes well. Worried as it's a later visit that she will stay too late past bed time again so going to keep the thread to remind me to be firm!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/01/2022 19:09

She absolutely is manipulative and not very nice.

HER wants and needs are all that matter.

Your husband is a waster unfortunately.

I think @ROSEMARY @TooWicked

Flowers
phishy · 04/01/2022 19:13

well done, OP! Definite progress, but where was DH in all this and how how come there's another visit (tomorrow) so soon?

RaimbowMama · 04/01/2022 19:13

Well done lass sounds like you slayed the dragon!!

billy1966 · 04/01/2022 19:15

Good update.
Well done.

Your husband being a wimp will soon become very unattractive.
Tell him clearly that HE is ruining your relationship with MIL.

As advised, on Wednesday tell him you will put the baby to bed and not return and this will continue from now on.

Emphasis how disappointed you are in him.

He needs to start bringing the baby for a visit too, to her, if you would like that.

How many times a week are you seeing her, on YOUR mat leave?

CockingASnook · 04/01/2022 19:17

Just be totally clear and direct. Don't get into reasons or excuses. Just say 'Right, it's time for you to go now' and soften it with a reminder of her next visit 'and we'll look forward to seeing you next Tuesday at 2pm'.

NameChangeCity123 · 04/01/2022 19:19

@billy1966

Good update. Well done.

Your husband being a wimp will soon become very unattractive.
Tell him clearly that HE is ruining your relationship with MIL.

As advised, on Wednesday tell him you will put the baby to bed and not return and this will continue from now on.

Emphasis how disappointed you are in him.

He needs to start bringing the baby for a visit too, to her, if you would like that.

How many times a week are you seeing her, on YOUR mat leave?

Yeah agreed it's very soon for the next visit and I'm adamant this is not going to be a weekly thing so I'll let weds go and when 'next meeting' comes up I'll say she needs to contact me as we have lots of things planned and DH will be working again. I'll be staying firm on the routines next week, there's no way I'm letting her walk all over me. This is my house, my marriage and my baby. Not my issue that she is lonely and the more I think about it the more pissed off I'm getting. She will be backing off and if it takes almighty callings out with DH until he gets that, then so be it
OP posts:
MinnieGirl · 04/01/2022 19:21

Well done!
Don’t forget to ask hubby jokingly if he’s had the crying phone call from toddler Mil…

As for Wednesday, send her a txt that day…

Mil, we are looking forward to seeing you for tea this afternoon. Just reminding you that baby’s bedtime is 7 so we will need to be saying good night at 6.30 to accommodate his routine. We know you understand how important this is for him xx

She is a grown woman, and if she is late start without her….

I would have not answered the door to someone who was 40 minutes late without a txt….

Feeasco · 04/01/2022 19:23

Your husband should chat to her as probably knows how. Got to let her know you need your rest and couple time. Why does she not rather visit in the day? Perhaps husband could agree on which evening and cut off time. She's been a mum so hopefully not take it personally. Good luck.

neveradullmoment99 · 04/01/2022 19:39

Just be honest and say your tired and need to get up early.
I had a friend like this. She was fine about it.

neveradullmoment99 · 04/01/2022 19:42

@NameChangeCity123

Hi everyone A we update...

MiL arrived 40 mins after the agreed time (no apology or explanation why) to find the baby just nodding off. She had a wee cuddle and I made her a cuppa. I then said I'd take the baby back to get him to settle and she said 'oh I'll just keep him just now' so I said 'that's fine it will let me hang the washing up' which I did and then took him back, no chat, just lifted him. I then said 'you'll be able to have your tea now' this was quite good as I felt it was a compromise but also clear boundaries. She was clearly pissed but so what.

She was then dragging her feet about leaving after 2 hours but I didn't offer more tea and just asked what she had planned for the rest of the day. I said I was talking baby for a long walk and going to listen to my podcast so I could have some peace. She then made to leave but stopped to carry on with the baby who had just woken but was clearly going to go back over. I then said 'okay nana we will see you on weds (she is coming for tea Confused) and got between her and baby as she had been trying to interact with him for a good 10 mins by then and I was keen for him to go back to sleep. She was clearly annoyed at not being able to sit and play with him more but again, over it.

She then tried to engage me in convo on the doorstep about the stair storage door being open (my neighbour was in their cupboard) at which point I just said 'yeah it's fine they will lock it when they finish. Enjoy the rest of your day, see you next week' and just closed the door.

May sound harsh but glad I was more firm than normal. Hope weds goes well. Worried as it's a later visit that she will stay too late past bed time again so going to keep the thread to remind me to be firm!

She sounds lonely tbh. She also wants to spend time with your baby.
JackTheHack · 04/01/2022 19:44

It is down to your dh I'm afraid. Could you leave him with baby and go late night shopping or something??
Once he has baby to deal with, it maybe more obvious to him how time consuming she is

JackTheHack · 04/01/2022 19:45

And yes, utilise her while you do the washing or something nicer?

wineandsprite · 04/01/2022 19:47

She sounds lonely tbh. She also wants to spend time with your baby

But that's her problem, not OPs and frankly not even her sons. If she's lonely, it's time to get some hobbies. A walking group, a book club, a job even!

kennycat · 04/01/2022 19:48

Is she ever there when you could possibly have an appointment? I get rid of people by saying I have an appointment then if I need to actually get my coat on and get in the car then I do if they’ve still not got the hint! I do it to my own mother in fact.

DDMAC · 04/01/2022 19:49

My DB always tells us what time to arrive and leave. It was a bit strange at the beginning but were used to it now and just joke about it.
She’s close family so I think telling her straight is the way to go.

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