Page 13 | Gentle goodbye nudges

NameChangeCity123 · 2022-01-03T16:54:14+00:00

AIBU to ask for help .... How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore. Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH Have already had the 'baby goes Down at this time so we need the house Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored [angry] TIA

Marvellousmadness · 03/01/2022 20:44

You clearly have a " dh problem "
A "mil problem"
And a "can't stand up for myself problem"

Start acting. Stop complaining.
Nothing will change if you dont speak up. Stop dropping hints and tell mil to get out. Stop trying to play nice and keep your dh happy when he throws you under the bus and disrespects you AND choses his mum over you...

I know it can be nice to complain and vent. But this isnt solving your problems. Its time to be straight with dh and mil. And start now. Be blunt. Be forward. Be honest. Be ruthless. As you NEED to be. Otherwise you'll be complaining your marriage is over in a years time. Nip it in the budd now op. For the sake of everything you hold dearly

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:46

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

I don;t like the way that this is going...... *@NameChangeCity123* She is manipulating it so you will eventually be out of the equation with DH taking baby round to hers. It's no you who needs to be maneouvered out is it?

I would take her head on tomorrow and tell her that You and DH have your own lives and boundaries which your own parents are respectful enough to observe so there is no reason that she cannot. MIL loneliness is not your problem you already have 1 baby you don't need her tantrums too. After all it isn't DH that gets up in the night is it? And while we are on the subject your morning fdrop ins need to stop. I will let you know as i do with my own parents when it is convenient.

She either behaves herself or doesn't (her fate) but you do not budge.

Upon reflection you (and other poster) may be right in that that would be feeding into her hands. I think if I keep going it sends a stronger message? I feel like she's trying to take over my role and it's not happening

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:47

@Marvellousmadness

You clearly have a " dh problem " A "mil problem" And a "can't stand up for myself problem"

Start acting. Stop complaining.
Nothing will change if you dont speak up. Stop dropping hints and tell mil to get out. Stop trying to play nice and keep your dh happy when he throws you under the bus and disrespects you AND choses his mum over you...

I know it can be nice to complain and vent. But this isnt solving your problems. Its time to be straight with dh and mil. And start now. Be blunt. Be forward. Be honest. Be ruthless. As you NEED to be. Otherwise you'll be complaining your marriage is over in a years time. Nip it in the budd now op. For the sake of everything you hold dearly

You're absolutely right thanks I agree

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jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 03/01/2022 20:48

Exactly, OP. she is trying to fill a gap in her life with your baby and son.

We have our own household now and it does not inlcude you.

OP, you control the narrative from now on. Put your big girl pants on until DH finds his...

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 03/01/2022 20:49

*her son

jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming · 03/01/2022 20:50

I would encourage her to find a life outside of yours. She needs a hobby and friends, not this. Neither do you.

mathanxiety · 03/01/2022 20:54

She is manipulating it so you will eventually be out of the equation with DH taking baby round to hers. It's no you who needs to be maneouvered out is it?

YY - @NameChangeCity123, you must put a stop to this plan.
Your MIL is being rewarded here for very bad behaviour. She is sucking DH into a deeply weird partnership with her where the baby is concerned. Tell DH and MIL that that idea is now off the table.

Tell her it's not convenient for you to have her in if she shows up unannounced. Do not park around the back. Do not make up any more excursions or plans as excuses.

If DH complains about rudeness, tell him that your MIL is rude to assume she can drop in willy nilly. Normal people do not do this. Normal people do not have this level of entitlement.

I get the feeling that DH hasn't been exposed to much normal behaviour and doesn't really have a feel for what rudeness is and isn't. Assertiveness isn't rude. Letting your mother walk all over your wife is much more of a problem than rudeness.

ESGdance · 03/01/2022 20:59

Agreed! DH cannot see it for the life of him and gets upset that she's upset

This is how volatile people control others.

Everyone is afraid that they will erupt so end up tap dancing around them - adapting, complying and inadvertently enabling their controlling and demanding behaviour.

Your DH is so trained and enmeshed with her tantrums that he gets upset as well - he needs to be told to try to weather her storm and manager her like a tantruming toddler - calmly saying No and not engaging further - not soothing her or escalating. Just detached indifference and repeat the request.

You are exactly right when you said she has put your DH in the middle. When he is calm - talk it through and explain what’s happening - he needs to know that he has a choice as an adult - to not be manipulated and coerced by her crocodile tears and to not let her be divisive between you.

Darbs76 · 03/01/2022 21:04

If you’re in a flat and baby can’t settle with people chatting in the living room then I think it’s perfectly fine to say we are getting grandson into a routine on recommendation of health visitor and so would you mind leaving at x time. Or else as you’ve said just get up and do things. When my ex had family around they’d stay all day as lived an hour away and i’d use that time to get some rest etc

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 21:05

@jamandmarmaladethesecondcoming

*her son

Thank you I will 💪🏻 start as you mean to go on eh?

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 21:07

@mathanxiety

She is manipulating it so you will eventually be out of the equation with DH taking baby round to hers. It's no you who needs to be maneouvered out is it?

YY - @NameChangeCity123, you must put a stop to this plan.
Your MIL is being rewarded here for very bad behaviour. She is sucking DH into a deeply weird partnership with her where the baby is concerned. Tell DH and MIL that that idea is now off the table.

Tell her it's not convenient for you to have her in if she shows up unannounced. Do not park around the back. Do not make up any more excursions or plans as excuses.

If DH complains about rudeness, tell him that your MIL is rude to assume she can drop in willy nilly. Normal people do not do this. Normal people do not have this level of entitlement.

I get the feeling that DH hasn't been exposed to much normal behaviour and doesn't really have a feel for what rudeness is and isn't. Assertiveness isn't rude. Letting your mother walk all over your wife is much more of a problem than rudeness.

I had never thought of it as entitlement but you're absolutely spot on, it actually really makes sense. This will help me stay focused on being assertive and saying no

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SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 03/01/2022 21:07

What was the wedding like? I refuse to believe this is the first time her behaviour has been a problem.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 21:07

@Darbs76

If you’re in a flat and baby can’t settle with people chatting in the living room then I think it’s perfectly fine to say we are getting grandson into a routine on recommendation of health visitor and so would you mind leaving at x time. Or else as you’ve said just get up and do things. When my ex had family around they’d stay all day as lived an hour away and i’d use that time to get some rest etc

Yeah it's honestly not enough space to have people in. Not just mil, I'm the same with everyone else but they're all respectful of this

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 21:09

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

What was the wedding like? I refuse to believe this is the first time her behaviour has been a problem.

She offered to buy our flowers as her gift and then told me I had spent too much and she would buy her sons thistle and my bouquet.

We had a lockdown wedding and had to go from 180 to 30 guests so it wasn't Elton John standards

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 21:10

@ESGdance

Agreed! DH cannot see it for the life of him and gets upset that she's upset

This is how volatile people control others.

Everyone is afraid that they will erupt so end up tap dancing around them - adapting, complying and inadvertently enabling their controlling and demanding behaviour.

Your DH is so trained and enmeshed with her tantrums that he gets upset as well - he needs to be told to try to weather her storm and manager her like a tantruming toddler - calmly saying No and not engaging further - not soothing her or escalating. Just detached indifference and repeat the request.

You are exactly right when you said she has put your DH in the middle. When he is calm - talk it through and explain what’s happening - he needs to know that he has a choice as an adult - to not be manipulated and coerced by her crocodile tears and to not let her be divisive between you.

Okay think he just can't see the woods for the trees and you're right, it's become normal for him

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ESGdance · 03/01/2022 21:10

When someone like this kicks off with the tantrum and tears - never get drawn in or raise your own irritation - step back calmly and let them look absolutely ridiculous and foolish - otherwise they will blame you for making them distressed.

MorkandMandy · 03/01/2022 21:11

I once tried to say I had a friend coming to stay and I was picking her up from the station. She decided she’d wait anyway so I just drove around for ages then said she’s not coming.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 21:14

@MorkandMandy

I once tried to say I had a friend coming to stay and I was picking her up from the station. She decided she’d wait anyway so I just drove around for ages then said she’s not coming.

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 21:14

@ESGdance

When someone like this kicks off with the tantrum and tears - never get drawn in or raise your own irritation - step back calmly and let them look absolutely ridiculous and foolish - otherwise they will blame you for making them distressed.

It's never me she does it to, it's DH. So annoying cause I have no prob seeing through it

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ESGdance · 03/01/2022 21:32

Maybe start to educate him on histrionic manipulative behaviours - and encourage him to deal with her in a different way by being aware that this triggers his own emotions which he needs to dampen down - and not be terrorised. Like a storm she will blow over…

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 03/01/2022 21:47

Why is it a problem if she stays? If a guest like that stays effectively a whole day, I just start doing my own thing: have a Bath, watch netflix in bedroom with cuppa etc

Just do what you like, whilst DH entertains her

MrsWinters · 03/01/2022 22:01

The fact she phoned him crying, which sounds like a total over reaction to me suggests she knows exactly what she is doing and she is trying to cause drama/make life hard for you.
Tell your DH she needs to be gone at X time and then excuse yourself half an hour before.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 22:04

@MrsWinters

The fact she phoned him crying, which sounds like a total over reaction to me suggests she knows exactly what she is doing and she is trying to cause drama/make life hard for you. Tell your DH she needs to be gone at X time and then excuse yourself half an hour before.

Ideal, clear and simple and shows we are a team

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 22:05

@ESGdance

Maybe start to educate him on histrionic manipulative behaviours - and encourage him to deal with her in a different way by being aware that this triggers his own emotions which he needs to dampen down - and not be terrorised. Like a storm she will blow over…

Here's hoping! If she stops getting what she wants she will

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ThinWomansBrain · 03/01/2022 22:17

apparently friends of friends have a piss off goodby soundtrack.

Compilation of songs with a "goodbye" theme.