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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil & friend hasn't met our baby yet

165 replies

Hopingformydb · 03/01/2022 10:03

AIBU that I dont want to bother with my hubby's sis and as well my friend who was supposed to be my very close friend.
My baby is 11 weeks old tomorrow. And my husband sis has not met him (said she's been busy) but she's been to see her friends baby 5 days after my baby was born. Seen as though she hasn't been round to see him I gave her sons Xmas presents to my mil 5 days before Xmas to drop off as she looks after her son. That is the first time shes messaged me since my baby was born in Oct to say thanks for presents. When I message back and said just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby that's when she said i been busy blahblah. ( she lives round the corner) why get him a present if you're not going to meet him? Or maybe she feels bad if she gets my daughter (10) one and not baby. So now they think im the one stopping her from meeting him.
And as for my Friend she was fine throughout my pregnancy didn't detect an issue, although she was jealous when I told her but she got over it I thought. She's not been round to wish me a happy 30th birthday 2 weeks before I had baby. She hadnt got me a card presents for baby or met him. When I asked her she said her fellas been working late and that visiting a baby is a joint thing... I dont even like her fella. So I don't get her problem. And before anyone asks yes she has kids of her own 15 & 21 but been wanting a baby with this fella who hasn't got kids. Even if you are jealous its pathetic at her age. So now I've just been blanking her when she message me occasionally never asking about baby though. AIBU or is it them???

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 03/01/2022 13:25

Do not drive people away at this point in your life. You need your network more than ever.

Why don't YOU invite people round? People often don't want to bother new mums, so make the first move.

melj1213 · 03/01/2022 13:26

It's been 11 weeks, during which we have had Christmas, New Year and a new covid variant ... you need to cut people some slack that your new baby isn't their top priority.

November/December is a busy time for a lot of people - I work in retail and November/December and when I'm not at work I'm either sleeping because I'm exhausted from 10hr shifts on my feet in trying to spend some quality time with DD, as well as keeping the house clean/food in the cupboards/laundry done etc. Trying to fit in a visit to a new baby would have been difficult for me until around now, and only because I scheduled in some annual leave for the first week of January.

Equally, I would never visit a new baby and recovering mum without an invitation - some people are very open door from day one, others want people to stay away till they are ready - even if they were a relative. I am not super close to one of my brothers so I would definitely be waiting for an invitation to visit him, especially with a newborn.

Gingerkittykat · 03/01/2022 13:30

When I message back and said just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby that's when she said i been busy blahblah. ( she lives round the corner) why get him a present if you're not going to meet him?

I can understand why you feel hurt but the way you communicated that hurt is the problem and is likely to drive people away instead of making them want to visit.

You could have invited her round to see the baby instead of the passive aggressive way you spoke to her and would have got a very different response.

Why would your friend want to see you if you are blanking her messages? I have no idea if seeing you pregnant or with a baby is painful for her (and it doesn't matter how old she is) but she is making an effort to reach out to you.

LoveGoldberg · 03/01/2022 13:33

The comment about being pathetic is disgusting. I’ve been trying to get pregnant for years and find it really difficult being around other peoples babies because the likelihood is I won’t ever have one myself. The world is a very big place and you are a very insignificant part of it.
I hope your baby has a lot of positive influences around them growing up.

isitfree · 03/01/2022 13:37

Could you have post natal depression OP as I think you are feeling very sorry for yourself.

Candyss · 03/01/2022 13:39

maybe limited contact isnt a bad thing OP. my baby is back in hospital for the second time in 2 weeks after contracting a virus again.

never understood this culture of oh everyone must rush round and touch and see my baby. my poor little one caught it off his 2 year old sister, noone will be touching or holding him now until spring.

BazWazzycantdance · 03/01/2022 13:42

You are being ridiculous!!! I’m so close to family members but my baby was 4 months before some of my family met the baba and some haven’t seen her for over a year. don’t forget that there still is a risk of Covid and as others have said, your baby is your world- not theirs. If you really want them to see your baby- you make the effort and go over to theirs. Problem solved. But you are not coming across well and I would avoid you too with the confrontational texts you’ve sent. I’d be less polite in all honesty. Just enjoy your baby. Babies are pretty boring anyhow until they have reached toddler years tbh.

isitfree · 03/01/2022 13:44

Sorry but you call your friend pathetic and jealous and make ageist comments. You almost suggest to your SIL to stay away. The whole tone of your post is very passive aggressive. No one wants to visit a miserable person.

monarchoftheglen · 03/01/2022 13:44

"just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby"

You actually sent that as a message?

3g4g5g · 03/01/2022 13:44

said just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby

Did you actually message that to herShock 🤦‍♀️
I am embarrassed for you OP. I know its difficult with covid and all but I think you need to go out a bit more. Are you waiting for Copernicus to call to let you know that you and your baby are not the centre of the universe? Grin

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/01/2022 13:46

One of my best friends has never met DS2 and he is now 12!

Do I care? No. Is she still one of my BF? Yes!

BooksAndGin · 03/01/2022 13:48

In all honesty? They are avoiding you and your shitty attitude, not the baby.

phoenixrosehere · 03/01/2022 13:52

I’m curious if her DH is as bothered by his sister not visiting as OP is or knows of the text she sent to his sister.

My own sister and I aren’t close but I would be talking to my DH about it if he sent the same message as OP did.

isitfree · 03/01/2022 13:54

Life is too short. Stick some lippy on grab your coat and walk round to visit HER.

Nevilleneville · 03/01/2022 13:59

You’re thirty? Because your post reads like a child.

The world doesn’t revolve around you or your baby.

lightisnotwhite · 03/01/2022 14:02

@BooksAndGin

In all honesty? They are avoiding you and your shitty attitude, not the baby.
Definitely. Your post is very aggressive.

I think that you call a best friend jealous and pathetic and you don’t like her partner speaks volumes.
It’s all about you. An 11 week old won’t know if they’ve been visited or not. Be nice and you might find people are nice back.

peboh · 03/01/2022 14:03

Have you invited them over?
One of my friends didn't meet my child until about 4 months old, due to the fact that she thought because I hadn't asked I didn't want visitors. As soon as I invited her she was straight around.

An other friend didn't meet her until she was 1, because she was busy.

Life doesn't revolve around our babies.

Livelovebehappy · 03/01/2022 14:04

I get why you would be angry about it OP. I think when you have a baby, it’s a big deal, especially with family, and I would have been hurt not to get a visit from the Sil. I wouldn’t cause family drama by blanking her though. I’d just get on with my life, and not put myself out to be involved in her life. Focus on the people who do care.

Twillow · 03/01/2022 14:04

I do hope you're reading the room hun. YANBU to be upset and feel like your baby is being left out, but YABU to be so huffy and feel vindictive about it. You don't know what's going on in other people's lives. Be careful that you don't create a bigger issue.

isitfree · 03/01/2022 14:07

Are you reading these replies OP? As you have not made any comments. Perhaps you find it difficult to accept criticism.

narkyspirit · 03/01/2022 14:08

I would think that they are keeping away deliberatly, they might be worried about bringing Covid into your house with a young baby, also they think you need some time to settle into a routine.

they have lives as well!!!

Frankola · 03/01/2022 14:10
  1. Life happens. People are busy, especially around Xmas
  1. In the kindest way possible, your baby means very little to them. It's not like baby's birth is a life changing event for them like it is you
  1. You're the one being spoiled and pathetic by pushing people away. You'll You'll up with very little support system if you carry this on. And trust me, you'll need a support system with a newborn
Merryoldgoat · 03/01/2022 14:12

I’ll never understand why people think anyone else should really care about their children so much.

I am very very grateful for the people who do care for and love my children, but getting annoyed because people haven’t visited is beyond me.

I didn’t expect anyone to visit - it was very nice when they did and I really enjoyed showing the baby off but I couldn’t tell you who did/didn’t visit mine outside of my PIL and aunt (who is like my mum).

ZoeCM · 03/01/2022 14:13

OP, you sound like a teenager. If you really want to know why people are avoiding you, reread your own OP and ask yourself if you would want to spend time with someone like that.

chineybumps · 03/01/2022 14:18

I think the comments are a bit harsh tbf. I agree that you may not have presented yourself in the best way in your OP but I think your feelings are somewhat understandable. I also think there's a way to tell the OP she's being unreasonable without being outright rude. She's just had a baby fgs. Why be rude to someone who hasn't been rude to you?