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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil & friend hasn't met our baby yet

165 replies

Hopingformydb · 03/01/2022 10:03

AIBU that I dont want to bother with my hubby's sis and as well my friend who was supposed to be my very close friend.
My baby is 11 weeks old tomorrow. And my husband sis has not met him (said she's been busy) but she's been to see her friends baby 5 days after my baby was born. Seen as though she hasn't been round to see him I gave her sons Xmas presents to my mil 5 days before Xmas to drop off as she looks after her son. That is the first time shes messaged me since my baby was born in Oct to say thanks for presents. When I message back and said just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby that's when she said i been busy blahblah. ( she lives round the corner) why get him a present if you're not going to meet him? Or maybe she feels bad if she gets my daughter (10) one and not baby. So now they think im the one stopping her from meeting him.
And as for my Friend she was fine throughout my pregnancy didn't detect an issue, although she was jealous when I told her but she got over it I thought. She's not been round to wish me a happy 30th birthday 2 weeks before I had baby. She hadnt got me a card presents for baby or met him. When I asked her she said her fellas been working late and that visiting a baby is a joint thing... I dont even like her fella. So I don't get her problem. And before anyone asks yes she has kids of her own 15 & 21 but been wanting a baby with this fella who hasn't got kids. Even if you are jealous its pathetic at her age. So now I've just been blanking her when she message me occasionally never asking about baby though. AIBU or is it them???

OP posts:
Amijustagrump · 03/01/2022 10:30

Gosh you sound like hard work

Rosebel · 03/01/2022 10:31

YABU. Especially as you know she wants a baby, try to be a bit more sympathetic. I think the message you sent her was nasty and I wouldn't bother with you after that.
Your baby is exciting to you but not other people. On top of that you don't know what your SIL or friend might be dealing with.
Cut them some slack. There isn't a time limit within which people have to meet your baby is there?

Offmyfence · 03/01/2022 10:35

You sound very aggressive!

lynntheyresexswappers · 03/01/2022 10:35

And before anyone asks yes she has kids of her own 15 & 21 but been wanting a baby with this fella who hasn't got kids. Even if you are jealous its pathetic at her age.

I can 100 percent see why she's not been to meet the baby, or rush around with presents when that's the way you speak about her. You're calling her pathetic for wanting a baby, and rubbing yours in her face. It's not petty jealousy, she's clearly hurting and you are being absolutely awful and in no way a friend.
Not to mention that text you sent to your sil, you are SO rude. Maybe reevaluate how you speak to people, you may find it makes a difference to how often they want to be around you.

Flickflak · 03/01/2022 10:35

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1stTimeMama · 03/01/2022 10:35

My daughter is nearly 18 months old, and none of my friends, or family, apart from my parents have met her. We live a fair distance away, but they've travelled elsewhere since she arrived but obviously just aren't that bothered. It's sad for her that she doesn't really have any family outside of us, but that's just the way it is.

Ponoka7 · 03/01/2022 10:35

It's the busiest time of the year, so not getting the time in November and December isn't that bad. I'd be wary of seeing lots of people while the infection is so high. Your friend isn't treating you badly, she's been messaging you. My priority would be to check that she's well after giving birth, not to necessarily see the baby. How are you going to resolve anything while blanking her?
As for your SIL, your DH should invite her over. Do they have a good relationship?

Arren12 · 03/01/2022 10:38

My friends baby is older than yours. Maybe its a covid issue like with her.

It is nice when family are interested but some people just arnt. My sil has seen my 4 year old 4 times in her whole life. She's a lovely woman and I like her alot. Kids are just not a priority for her. She is out and about living a fun life and I dont hold that against her.

GlitterSquid · 03/01/2022 10:39

One of my first thoughts at the moment would genuinely be

'there's a newborn baby and a new mum in full recovery at the moment. There's a new strain of a dangerous virus going about of which both parties could be highly susceptible. Perhaps I should give them both time to be settled, healthy and strong before divebombing them'

SantaHat · 03/01/2022 10:40

It’s been 11 weeks over Christmas and New Year with a raging pandemic. The whole world does not suddenly revolve around your baby, I’m afraid.

newnameforthis76 · 03/01/2022 10:43

You’re being absolutely obnoxious.

Your baby is the centre of your universe. It isn’t the centre of anyone else’s. Grow up.

bg21 · 03/01/2022 10:46

God I couldn't deal with you lol maybe it's you they can't be arsed to see ? you sound needy and high maintenance and noone has time for that shit these days sorry op

Arren12 · 03/01/2022 10:47

@GlitterSquid that's it. At first we could see my friends baby as he was prem and just far too vulnerable. That was on her terms righly so. Now she does want us to meet him but im reluctant to. My youngest has just had covid and although I'm testing negative I'm too scared incase I do pass it on to him anyway.

lurker69 · 03/01/2022 10:47

not being mean but your baby really isn't that interesting to other people. my sil met 1 of mine and dh children twice 6 years ago she's never met the other 2.

Arren12 · 03/01/2022 10:47

@GlitterSquid sorry couldn't see him even

phishy · 03/01/2022 10:49

YANBU. Stop doing anything for them and stop sending presents/cards.

Cornishclio · 03/01/2022 10:51

Not everyone is interested in others lives and is a busy time of year. I agree that if others don't make the effort I tend to detach and not bother so much with them. Ironically that usually means they make more effort so dont bother with your SIL or friend. You can't change others behaviour but you can change how you react to their actions for your own sanity. Just focus on your baby and those who do make an effort to see you.

SheWolfOFFrancee · 03/01/2022 10:52

If your DH family is generally very close and all other nieces and nephews have been met and celebrated by SIL i could understand why you’d be out out especially if you feel this child treated differently but your language is very confrontational. I would leave your SIL to your DH. I’d she’s not interested that’s her loss

As for your friend I can understand it hurts especially if she’s a close friend but tbh other people just aren’t that interested in peoples kids even best friends. My best friend loves me to pieces and is of course interested in my kids but wasn’t interested in “meeting” them in a grand way. Just organically when I saw her and happened to have the kids with me

Chely · 03/01/2022 10:53

Make as much effort with folk as they do you.

My FIL hasn't met our almost 5mth old, doesn't live far away. Has other priorities which is fine but we'll not be making any more effort with him than he does with us.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 03/01/2022 10:54

You're calling your friend jealous and pathetic, and sending passive aggressive texts to your sister in law.

I wonder why they're not rushing round to visit your baby.

Keepitrealnomists · 03/01/2022 10:55

You sound like too much hard work 🙄 Couple of things though, are you/DH close with SIL? Having to exchange Christmas presents would have been a perfect opportunity to get together! Are you expecting everyone to do the running around? If so then your being very unreasonable, your an adult and can arrange meet ups.
Your being a complete cow to your friend and I wouldn't want to see you either. Honestly, nobody cares about meeting your baby as much as you clearly do. You sound aggressive and confrontational, maybe that gives you a clue why they haven't visited 🙄 also, why are expecting gifts and cards - so entitled!!

Monsterjam · 03/01/2022 10:55

I agree with others you are being unreasonable and unwilling / unable to see things from others points of view other than yours

aSofaNearYou · 03/01/2022 10:56

A lot of people don't push meeting new babies because they think the parents might want space. 11 weeks is not that long either, especially over the Christmas period. I think you are being hasty and reactionary, particularly with the sister. There may be something deeper going on with the friend but even if there is, do you want to lose her over it? You could end up very isolated and alone, it's hard to maintain friendships as a new mum as it is, your availability hits rock bottom and people carry on with their lives.

SallyWD · 03/01/2022 10:58

To most people babies are boring and all look the same. Some people (like me) feel a bit awkward around babies and don't know what they're supposed to say or do. I even found my own babies boring, let alone other people's babies! Maybe your SIL just isn't interested yet but as your child grows up they might form a close bond and she might be a brilliant aunt (or she might not - it doesn't matter). My brothers had no interest in my babies but now my children are older they have a great relationship! My children can't wait to see them and they have so much fun together. I wouldn't write off your SIL or your friend. Just relax with your baby and live your life.

Movingsoon21 · 03/01/2022 10:59

I’m surprised by the responses! In my circles it would be very unusual for a close relative or close friend not to have met a baby within 11 weeks, especially with the excuse of Christmas presents to drop round etc. I would be hurt too in your position (not for more distant relatives or friends but that’s not what you’re dealing with here).

I don’t have any kids myself yet but always make the effort to visit new mums once they are ready for visitors. Firstly because I care about them and secondly because it’s the polite, done thing! Even if I only stay for an hour and drop off presents!

OP I would stop sending aggressive messages though as that won’t get you anywhere. Just slowly pull back from these people and don’t put yourself out so much for them in future as you clearly won’t get the effort returned.