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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil & friend hasn't met our baby yet

165 replies

Hopingformydb · 03/01/2022 10:03

AIBU that I dont want to bother with my hubby's sis and as well my friend who was supposed to be my very close friend.
My baby is 11 weeks old tomorrow. And my husband sis has not met him (said she's been busy) but she's been to see her friends baby 5 days after my baby was born. Seen as though she hasn't been round to see him I gave her sons Xmas presents to my mil 5 days before Xmas to drop off as she looks after her son. That is the first time shes messaged me since my baby was born in Oct to say thanks for presents. When I message back and said just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby that's when she said i been busy blahblah. ( she lives round the corner) why get him a present if you're not going to meet him? Or maybe she feels bad if she gets my daughter (10) one and not baby. So now they think im the one stopping her from meeting him.
And as for my Friend she was fine throughout my pregnancy didn't detect an issue, although she was jealous when I told her but she got over it I thought. She's not been round to wish me a happy 30th birthday 2 weeks before I had baby. She hadnt got me a card presents for baby or met him. When I asked her she said her fellas been working late and that visiting a baby is a joint thing... I dont even like her fella. So I don't get her problem. And before anyone asks yes she has kids of her own 15 & 21 but been wanting a baby with this fella who hasn't got kids. Even if you are jealous its pathetic at her age. So now I've just been blanking her when she message me occasionally never asking about baby though. AIBU or is it them???

OP posts:
MimiBaker · 03/01/2022 12:14

@Ste23321

I thought mumsnet was developed so parents can support one another. Not kick someone when they down. OP please ignore them. Read the supportive messages you have and enjoy your baby x
OP posted in AIBU. Anyone who regularly uses this site knows you get strong feedback if you are being unreasonable, which OP is. This part of MN is 'tell them straight'. OP may have had different replies if she had posted in Relationships for example.

OP clearly think she is not being unreasonable, hence the blunt replies.

Phrenologistsfinger · 03/01/2022 12:14

You don’t sound mature enough to raise a child. Poor mite.

Siepie · 03/01/2022 12:17

I'm always excited to meet a friend or relative's baby, but I wait until the parents invite me. I don't want to force tired new parents to play host, intrude on their bonding time, etc. If you want these people to visit, why not invite them instead of sending passive aggressive messages?

2Gen · 03/01/2022 12:17

@SwimmingIntoMotherhood

You'll get the posters claiming no one cares about anyone else's children, but ignore them.

It's simply not true and I'm sad they have experienced that themselves (or most likely they are the ones who don't care about other people very much which is also sad)

It's terrible two people close to you haven't bothered to come and visit your newborn. You can't make them care but YANBU to be upset about it

Yes, the way people are laying into the OP is very unpleasant, a few have acknowledged she's full of hormones or even may have a touch of PND but most of them are just taking the fact she sent a few passive-aggressive texts as licence to assassinate her character! None of us are perfect and I suspect we've all been guilty of passive-aggressiveness at some time- I know I have and I'm trying to stop that- but the way they've kicked a person whilst she's down has made me feel a bit sick TBH! Congratulations on your baby OP! Focus on him/her and giving as much love as you can and on those who HAVE bothered and try not to let these slurs on your character, nor your SIL and friend's avoidance, grind you down! P..S If it was fear of spreading disease that was the reason for them staying away, they should have said so!
phoenixrosehere · 03/01/2022 12:22

I world absolutely visit a friend or SIL in the first few weeks of their new arrival. But I'd wait to be invited. OP has not mentioned inviting them, and she's treated both with extreme rudeness.

This. Many women change their minds when it comes to visitors before and after giving birth so many do wait until they are invited by the parents to come over.

This was pre-COVID, but even so not seeing a baby for 8 months when you live round the corner is a deliberate choice.

Where did you get 8 months? It’s been 11 weeks.

Benjispruce5 · 03/01/2022 12:24

Do you share lots on social media? Sometimes you feel like you’ve seen plenty iyswim.

RobertaFirmino · 03/01/2022 12:30

How do you even 'meet' a baby? You just sort of look at it for a bit, make all the right noises and perhaps pick it up if you're that way inclined.

RaginaPhalange · 03/01/2022 12:31

Why can't you go visit them? The world doesn't revolve around you and your baby. Also calling your friend pathetic is awful as you're fully aware she's been trying to have a baby, she must be struggling mentally if they have been trying for a while.

SocialConnection · 03/01/2022 12:32

Did you know ... Other people have lives, concerns, problems, obligations, interests, families etc too? Which you mostly won't know about?

Your life and your baby aren't necessarily that central to them.

And if you broadcast discontent, resentment, entitlement etc whenever you do see them, they'll naturally not be that bothered about coming back.

colourfulpuddles · 03/01/2022 12:33

YABU. He’s your baby and you understandably adore him… but to everyone else he’s just another boring potato that just cries, shits and sleeps.

It’s polite to see people’s babies so people generally do and make nice comments, but that’s it. They’re being polite, they don’t really care.

MabelsApron · 03/01/2022 12:34

I had a friend who felt it was unreasonable that I hadn’t visited her baby within a set period of time. I’d found out I was infertile the previous year, at 32, and I had no children so was still reeling from the fact that I’d never have a family. Her view was that I needed to “put that aside” as I “couldn’t avoid babies forever”.

Oddly enough, she’s no longer a friend.

OP, if you like having friends I suggest you stop treating other people like they’re now lesser beings than you are. Enjoy this time with your baby and put the spreadsheet of who’s done what and bought what down. And stop being so rude to your husband’s family - I’d be fuming if my partner was doing that!

diddl · 03/01/2022 12:42

Well I loved my friends enough to feign interest in their baby even if I wasn't.

A very good friend of mine who had had miscarriages sent me flowers & congratulations even though she said she didn't feel that she could visit until PFB wasn't so tiny.

If you don't have a particularly close relationship with your SIL I wouldn't be too bothered as that says more about her relationship with her brother.

UnconditionalSurrender · 03/01/2022 12:45

If they lived at the other end of the country it would be understandable. The fact they live round the corner is just plain rude. You are just winding yourself up into a state which is understandable but then it makes it easier for them to deflect their bad behaviour onto you.

Derbee · 03/01/2022 12:46

Maybe they don’t really care that you’ve had a baby, and aren’t that bothered about meeting the baby? That’s fine. Your baby isn’t necessarily important to everyone

Sillyotter · 03/01/2022 12:49

If I’d received that text from a sil then it would put me off making any effort to see the baby in the future. You sound like hard work.

Subbaxeo · 03/01/2022 12:51

I can’t believe the posts saying no one gives a shit or people are allowed not to care. When anew baby arrives to a close friend or family, isn’t it normal to be happy for them and look forward to seeing the new arrival? Maybe even get a small present and say they’re delighted to hear the news? Congratulations on your baby, OP-maybe be open about how you’d love them to meet your baby as they might be staying away because they think you might want some time to yourself.

Heartinmind37 · 03/01/2022 12:54

So so chavvy

Onlyrainbows · 03/01/2022 12:57

I see where you're coming from. My SIL didn't meet the baby until he was like 6 months and her teenage daughters until the baby was almost 2! I genuinely don't think they're that interested.

sbhydrogen · 03/01/2022 12:59

I do find it strange that they haven't been round to see your baby, especially as they're five minutes away from you. I'd be upset, too.

However, you do seem rather argumentative and passive aggressive, so I can understand why she'd want to visit with her partner.

Messaging to say "I'd love for you to come over the weekend to meet Baby Hopingformydb" works a lot better than "give our presents to your mum so you don't have to see our baby"
What is that all about?

EewDavid · 03/01/2022 13:04

It’s not about whether some people find babies boring . Births, marriages, divorces, deaths are all mainly to do with the people experiencing them but good friends will hopefully be supportive and interested. Hell I’ve been to see round my friends new living room revamp quicker than OPs SIL and friend are taking to see her new baby.

Wife2b · 03/01/2022 13:12

Grow up OP.

anon12345678901 · 03/01/2022 13:13

You're behaving like a child, with your passive aggressive comments. Grow up. It's been 11 weeks and they've probably had other things to do. You don't seem to have invited them round and I have never invited myself round to see a baby, I wait for an invitation so that the family can have time together first.

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 03/01/2022 13:20

@Heartinmind37

So so chavvy
How is it chavvy?
ittakes2 · 03/01/2022 13:22

People who have first babies do tend to think the world stops and revolves around them. I have children and I no doubt felt the same at one point.
You are being passive aggressive with people so do sound like hard work. If you are hard work that could be why people are avoiding you and its got nothing to do with your baby.

isitfree · 03/01/2022 13:23

When I message back and said just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby that's when she said i been busy blahblah

Well if you messaged her this I am not surprised she said she was busy! She probably saw her friends baby as her friend is not a bitter sarcastic woman.