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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sil & friend hasn't met our baby yet

165 replies

Hopingformydb · 03/01/2022 10:03

AIBU that I dont want to bother with my hubby's sis and as well my friend who was supposed to be my very close friend.
My baby is 11 weeks old tomorrow. And my husband sis has not met him (said she's been busy) but she's been to see her friends baby 5 days after my baby was born. Seen as though she hasn't been round to see him I gave her sons Xmas presents to my mil 5 days before Xmas to drop off as she looks after her son. That is the first time shes messaged me since my baby was born in Oct to say thanks for presents. When I message back and said just give my kids presents to your mum so you don't have to see my baby that's when she said i been busy blahblah. ( she lives round the corner) why get him a present if you're not going to meet him? Or maybe she feels bad if she gets my daughter (10) one and not baby. So now they think im the one stopping her from meeting him.
And as for my Friend she was fine throughout my pregnancy didn't detect an issue, although she was jealous when I told her but she got over it I thought. She's not been round to wish me a happy 30th birthday 2 weeks before I had baby. She hadnt got me a card presents for baby or met him. When I asked her she said her fellas been working late and that visiting a baby is a joint thing... I dont even like her fella. So I don't get her problem. And before anyone asks yes she has kids of her own 15 & 21 but been wanting a baby with this fella who hasn't got kids. Even if you are jealous its pathetic at her age. So now I've just been blanking her when she message me occasionally never asking about baby though. AIBU or is it them???

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 03/01/2022 10:59

@SantaHat

It’s been 11 weeks over Christmas and New Year with a raging pandemic. The whole world does not suddenly revolve around your baby, I’m afraid.
Yep, the timing is important! “Fella” is verb TaB - meaning, needless drama.
DreamingofTimbuktu · 03/01/2022 11:05

Well if I was unfortunate enough to know you IRL I’d avoid you too - too much stress and melodramatics.

Superhanz · 03/01/2022 11:06

I don't like to jump on the band wagon but you don't seem like a good friend and you need a wake up call to this. Your friend wants a baby, she us struggling and to call her pathetic is pretty mean, it doesn't matter if she already has 2 children. You should try to be a bit more empathetic towards her, maybe she wants her partner to come for moral support.
Your SIL is a different story and it's really odd that she hasn't met your child, but if she finds you difficult and I suspect that's why she hasn't called then maybe you should try working on that relationship. You're looking at this whole situation the wrong way. Congratulations on your baby and maybe start approaching your relationships differently and I suspect things might change.

Idontbelieveit14 · 03/01/2022 11:09

My SIL hasn’t met my baby yet either, he’s 5 at the end of the month!

SwimmingIntoMotherhood · 03/01/2022 11:11

You'll get the posters claiming no one cares about anyone else's children, but ignore them.

It's simply not true and I'm sad they have experienced that themselves (or most likely they are the ones who don't care about other people very much which is also sad)

It's terrible two people close to you haven't bothered to come and visit your newborn. You can't make them care but YANBU to be upset about it

MollyQueenOfSocks · 03/01/2022 11:14

You need to grow up and get a grip.

Don't assume people care about your baby and drop the immaturity. "I treat people how they treat me" is a brilliant way to fastrack yourself to zero friends and believe me, you will want friends around when you are in desperate need of some baby free time with them gong for coffee or whatever.

TimBoothseyes · 03/01/2022 11:15

that's when she said i been busy blahblah

Well if you are as dismissive to her in RL as you are on here, I'd guess it's not the baby she doesn't want to see.

Tulipomania · 03/01/2022 11:16

Have you invited SIL round though?

How about asking her round for lunch or a coffee so that she can meet the baby properly?

Cherrytart23 · 03/01/2022 11:20

You sound petty and needy. Is there a reason you can not visit them?

Sceptre86 · 03/01/2022 11:20

I don't understand why people are piling in on you. The sister should have visited her brother's child by now, you are family and you ought to make time for close family. I would still be gracious when she does eventually turn up. As for your friend, I don't think the relationship is as important to her as it is you and I'd let that slide. What I would say is let go of the anger, hurt and resentment and just enjoy your baby, otherwise you are just clouding a special time with negativity.

ilovesushi · 03/01/2022 11:21

Maybe they are struggling with fertility/ pregnancy issues and it is too painful to come and see a newborn right now? I can see how it must feel hurtful to you but don't cut them off. There could be a lot more going on. x

ANameChangeAgain · 03/01/2022 11:21

Congratulations on your baby.
Agree with others that babies just aren't really interesting to people outside of parents or grandparents. We go to see the babies for the benefit of the mothers or out of duty really, and even then don't want to cross the line or be part of a line of nuisance well wishers. More fuss is certainly made of visiting the first.
Don't cut people off as you'll need friends that you see separately from your baby soon enough.

lastqueenofscotland · 03/01/2022 11:21

Have you actually invited them? Babies are boring and you sound insanely like hard work. Not surprised they haven’t invited themselves round!

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 03/01/2022 11:22

I think it's a bit rubbish for your SIL not to have visited since you live so close to each other, but the message you sent to her was very rude and aggressive. There was no need for it. You don't come across well in this post at all. If you behave like this all the time then I'm not surprised people aren't making the effort to come and visit your baby. They are probably avoiding you.

Rosebel · 03/01/2022 11:22

@SwimmingIntoMotherhood

You'll get the posters claiming no one cares about anyone else's children, but ignore them.

It's simply not true and I'm sad they have experienced that themselves (or most likely they are the ones who don't care about other people very much which is also sad)

It's terrible two people close to you haven't bothered to come and visit your newborn. You can't make them care but YANBU to be upset about it

Why would other people care about your baby as much as their parents? That would be weird. If someone was sending me nasty messages and then ignored further messages from me I wouldn't want to go and see them either.
MerryMarigold · 03/01/2022 11:22

I'd guess it's not the baby she doesn't want to see.

This.

And I suspect (call me out if I'm wrong), this isn't the first place you've told this story and other friends/ family are being rallied to your 'side'. I have a SIL like this. I did visit but if I'd had more balls I wouldn't.

SwimmingIntoMotherhood · 03/01/2022 11:23

@ANameChangeAgain

Congratulations on your baby. Agree with others that babies just aren't really interesting to people outside of parents or grandparents. We go to see the babies for the benefit of the mothers or out of duty really, and even then don't want to cross the line or be part of a line of nuisance well wishers. More fuss is certainly made of visiting the first. Don't cut people off as you'll need friends that you see separately from your baby soon enough.
In your opinion, I love babies and would be round like a shot if anyone I was remotely acquainted with had one.

Everyone in my family and friendship circle loves children, it's odd to claim no one likes babies outside of parents and grandparents when that's blatantly not true for everyone.

phoenixrosehere · 03/01/2022 11:24

It’s been 11 weeks over Christmas and New Year with a raging pandemic. The whole world does not suddenly revolve around your baby, I’m afraid.

Agree and sending aggressive posts and winding yourself up over it isn’t going to help matters either. If the way you talk and react is the way you do things outside of MN, I can see why they’re keeping a distance. You are obviously upset so they may assume that you don’t want them coming around or if they do, you’re going to tell them off either way, wouldn’t blame them for not coming around. Have you sent a text and invited them around politely instead of expecting them to know you want them to visit or leave it to your DH, her brother, to talk to her and see when she would be available for a visit?

SwimmingIntoMotherhood · 03/01/2022 11:24

@Rosebel

When did I state anyone cares as much as their parents?

There is a long way between 'don't care' and 'care as much as the people biologically designed to protect and care for this baby'

Notonthestairs · 03/01/2022 11:25

Well you are certainly cutting off your nose to spite your face.

If you want them to visit why aren't you saying exactly that - "please come anytime I'd love to see you" would do it.

Yebbie · 03/01/2022 11:27

Well, I see where you are coming from OP. That is hurtful, and I understand why you are upset. 11 weeks pp your hormones are still all over the place and places like AIBU are best avoided, many posters can do nothing right here. Rise above it, is all I can say. My partners family don't even know my toddler, they have barely any relationship with him yet my own family who live hours away are very close with him. It used to upset me but now all I think is well, it's their loss, he's an amazing kid and he's got plenty of people who love him. Congratulations on your baby.

BertieQueen · 03/01/2022 11:28

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. You are the problem here.

I hardly see my brothers kids, they live 10 minutes away and I see them maximum 4 times a year if that. They are the same with my son. We have our own lives.

My grandparents I met a handful of times up to the age of 2 then never saw them again as they were not interested and had their own lives. It happens.

Your baby is your everything but not everyone else’s.

Loveisthere · 03/01/2022 11:29

Your world may revolve around your baby but sil and friend have their own lives and I guess you are not at the top of their list to visit because of your behaviour.

Flowers500 · 03/01/2022 11:30

If you’re going to be agressive and horrible to people then you can’t be shocked they’re not keen to visit

ShowMeTheSugar · 03/01/2022 11:33

They might well want to see the baby, but with an attitude like yours it's you I'd be distancing myself from.

Perhaps your close friend picked up on your vile opinion that she's pathetic and jealous.

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