Grandson has too much screen time, is it my place to say?

[Halloweencat]

I think my 5 year old grandson has too much screen time on a children's ipad. From what I've read it can be damaging to their eyes. His development is normal & he's doing very well at school. AIBU to say something, or tell him to put it down?

The kids mum is trying to cook a meal for the OP to cook in another room. She probably just needs the kid out of her hair while she makes a meal for relatives and since the OP is on her phone and her husband is at work she needs to both keep the child occupied and make a slap up meal. She may well think she’s doing the OP a favour by making sure her child is quiet. If OP wasn’t there and requiring to be fed etc she may well have the time to play with her child or take them out etc.

I’m plenty against unlimited screen time for young kids but I can’t get over the OP coming online to criticise the parenting of her host for allowing their mid screen time while her host is preparing a meal for her rather than just playing with her own grandkid.

OP is the kids grandma and she’s the one in the room with her grandkid. She shouldn’t need the kids mum to get involved here as she’s the adult with her grandchild, she just needs to engage her grandchild and they’ll soon forget the screen.

Set out some toys and say “jimmy let’s have a car race, do you want to be the blue car or the red car” or similar and problem gone.

@SnowyPetals

The thing is OP, times have changed. In my experience, many grandparents struggle to comprehend the digital-ness of the world their grandchildren are growing up in. It isn't the amount of screen time, it's what they are doing on the device that's important. If you think they are being exposed to inappropriate content, then you should speak up, but not just on "screen time".

@ SnowyPetals yes things have changed but the one thing that has definately gone downhill is the lack of respect shown towards us as the grand parents, we dont make these suggests such as in this case of to much screen time for nothing, because generally speaking yes there will be to much screen time, the problem nowadays is generally the lack of respect as shown on this and many other posts of similar type of the grand parent being told at best to mind their own business or plainly told to fuck off!

i would never have spoken to my in law in such away regardless of what she brought up, we would have talked about things and figured out a responce to the issue, but clearly this web site and its members seem to think its ok to talk to people in such a way and im disgusted reading this once again

for your info yes my grand daughters spend to much time with one screen type or another on, from the moment they wake to the time they go to bed! yes my daughter knows how i feel about it, because i walk into her house and turn the tv off! no one is ever actually watching it anyway! in my house, the tv never gets put on while the kids are here, they are not allowed to touch my mobile phone at all. we have a great time in many many other ways, and their days are busy and filled with fun without having to resort to lazy parenting which is what screen stuff is.

and here comes the line up of abuse................................

He has been on it 2 hours and that is what you are basing this on? To be fair whilst mum is cooking that is exactly the same as sitting down to watch a film. I can understand you want him to engage with you and play but really that is not too long. Why don't you just ask him to play a game with you instead he should have a break from screen for at least 15 minutes anyway.

@wishmyhousetidy

some of posters on mumsnet seem so aggressive it’s almost amusing. Of course it is up to the parents the amount of screen time allowed but is it so offensive for a grandparent to suggest it’s too much? If the grandmother was wrestling it out of the child’s hand then fair enough but to just suggest it’s too much isn’t the end of the world surely

Most of them are assuming that it is the OPs DIL that is not up to scratch.

From reading it seems DIL (?) is busy preparing food and generally getting on with stuff, and OP thinks they should be spending time with DGS off screen.

He's been on it for the two hours we've been here today, & no doubt he's been on it throughout the day. Had a stack of presents for Xmas (not the ipad) & I've gently tried to encourage him to play with them whilst his mum cracks on with dinner; but he just wants the ipad.

Can I hazard a guess that your son is the father rather than your daughter being the mother?

This is interesting to me, I'm curious why you think that?

For OP, I think it's not in grandparents place to say.

[quote Halloweencat]@Cocomarine
His dad is at work all day today, not sitting here ignoring him....[/quote]
And his mum is trying to be a gracious host to you, run a house and keep her kid entertained.

By all means, tell his mum you think it's too much screen time. But opinions are like arseholes, and all that jazz...

YANBU to be concerned. It's a shame so many children are gaming rather than playing, reading, board games etc.
Unfortunately I don't think expressing any concern will be well received, as you can probably tell from some of these comments, it's a sensitive topic.

@AppleButterfly

YANBU to be concerned. It's a shame so many children are gaming rather than playing, reading, board games etc. Unfortunately I don't think expressing any concern will be well received, as you can probably tell from some of these comments, it's a sensitive topic.

Lol have you ever used an iPad?

Does OP know what apps are on there?

DD has plenty of educational apps on her iPad, leftover from home schooling during lockdown (I work). Shock horror, most children learn via screens these days, and not chalkboards,

@DysmalRadius

"3. It turns out that the grandparents seem to have forgotten how to talk to them during lockdown and kept either introducing inappropriate topics of conversation (child slavery, high-profile abuse cases, the imminent death of a relative), interrupting the kids when they tried to talk to them, and repeatedly saying 'Well, I don't know what you're talking about' any time one of the kids introduced topic of conversation that wasn't one of those listed above!"

That made me laugh - my DMIL turns to my DFIL in front of my 8 year old son and says " l just don't know what he's talking about..." 🙄

Glad it's not just mine!!

@JohnSmithDrive

That said it's the last couple of days of a holiday that no doubt has been all about the kids, and dad's gone to work leaving mum with DC and his parents(I'd guess). I can see why she's taking the easy option today.

Hopefully she's got some alcohol in the kitchen too.

If mcjudgeypants was in the lounge I'd be making a very involved meal in the kitchen too & mainlining the rum whilst texting DH to hurry home!!

IPads aren't always a solitary thing. You can engage with your DGC with it a bit and ask him about his games etc. If he likes Minecraft then you have a direction for engaging with him next time you're over- it's awesome!

If this post was about you wanting to engage with him then I get it, but I assume you just don't want him to have, what you feel is, too much screen time. If he had toys and was in his room playing for hours and ignoring you, would you prefer as it's more "back in my day"?

My 2 DDs play together for hours uninterrupted. Me and DH have crazy childish imaginations which laid the foundation for this. Does your DS/DD do this? Did you play with your kids so they could pass on imaginative play skills to their own children ? My DDs also veg out on tablets for ages too BTW. They aren't victorian.

In answer to your OP. It's none of your business. Try raising children through a pandemic- it's bloody hard and tablets and tech have helped millions of families maintain sanity.

@Linguini

It's ok to be concerned about screen time. Especially if it's unsupervised.

I'd say a five year old should have limited screen time.

Obviously during the pandemic we've all been forced into screens as a substitute for the classroom, but really that's where screen time should start and end. As a support for education. Not as a replacement for actually doing things and engaging with the real world.

OP don't let the comments drag you down I think your concern is probably wise.

Just don't say anything!

It’s not an either or situation. My child has plenty of screen time, she’s also flying in class, plenty of fun activities and exercise.

Interesting responses,

If he’s doing well at school then should be ok plus taking an iPad / computer or whatever screen they enjoy and are used to kids these days have nothing better to do and he will nor be happy if you take it away from him.

I agree in the sense yes it’s the parents responsibility how much screen time he has however if he’s staying with you for a night or day or however long then yea he’s in your company so your the adult your in charge just be careful he might resent you and not wanna spend time with you much.

Stop bashing the OP she is right. Is a teen and tween and they were not allowed that much screen time when young.
Fine parents are busy doing stuff non issue. Yes Gp’s are there great too but why aren’t the children playing - why is their go to toy screen time.
I see the Gp’s point of view

@sirfredfredgeorge

From what I've read it can be damaging to their eyes

There is no evidence that screen time damages eyes. There is a strong correlation between lack of outdoor bright light time and short-sightedness, but what you do when you are not outside in the bright light (probably focusing on things far away) does not matter.

Your opinions on the amount of "screen time" are no more valid than the parents.

Yes I was going to say this. It's an old fashioned thing, that screens cause short sightedness. Time spent outside really improves eye health.

Even five year olds have spent many hours having to learn via an iPad in the last couple of years. My children have had their reading books, Mathletics, zooms, phonics tutorials, even PE etc via an iPad since the pandemic started.

Why can't it be OP's place? Unlimited time on an iPad is not good for a child. How sad that when given the choice between playing with GM and a screen the screen wins. I don't see why in this situation the parents don't say no more iPad play with GM while I make dinner? People are allowed to have opinions on how others parent ...the alternative no one cares less about other people and everyone ends up stuck to a screen unable to interact. What a future to look forward too....

Overall had this conversation with my brother yesterday. Noth our kids we worry have too much screen time. He reminded me how much TV we watched as kids. We're both healthy adults, slim with lots of hobbies. Could take or leave TV now and spent plenty of time outside. He's a headmaster working with SEN kids so I know he's done plenty of reading on the topic. Most parents feel guilty about it without needing it pointed out.

@Snugglepumpkin
"When people my son doesn't particularly like are visiting I let him play on tablets etc.. more than I normally would."

wicked!

I actually don’t think you are being unreasonable. Although it depends how much the kid is on screens

I think most kids are on them far too much and don’t know how to be bored and lose their creativity

I wonder if the west will lose its edge because it’s young are so poorly educated and unfit and uncreative!

I write this feeling exhausted with one of mine scrolling through Netflix. So I am part of the problem myself!

My MIL is dead sadly but I would have been ok with her saying stuff like this. We got on well and I appreciated her input. It’s takes a village and all that

There js a lot of weird aggression on this thread

@AppleButterfly

YANBU to be concerned. It's a shame so many children are gaming rather than playing, reading, board games etc. Unfortunately I don't think expressing any concern will be well received, as you can probably tell from some of these comments, it's a sensitive topic.

and I daresay people used to say its a shame they have their noses in books instead of sewing a seam or learning to hunt shoot and fish... ...and before that it will damage their eyes squinting over stone tablets instead of chipping flints

Just seen last few posts, if your only over spending company at their house then it’s the mothers and fathers responsibility hoe much time your grandson spends on his iPad.

You could try engage ask him about it if that’s what you wanted or asked if he wants to play something else with you but your not stating that’s what your wanting. From the question it seems your only worried about too much time on iPad.

Speak to his parents but might not go down well as they make up rules for their child and prob for an easier life just let him he’s 5 doing ok at school maybe yea if he’s been naughty it starts struggling at school then they need to step in make boundaries

@Faevern

Do the posters saying MYOB or it’s Christmas really think that 2 hours continuous on an iPad at 5 year old is OK? Never mind that they’ve probably been on it a lot more today?

I do, TBH.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, but my mum (ironically) was an early adopter of tech and keen on computers, and I know we spent hours playing games.

My DD can easily spend two hours on a tablet, not particularly often, but she can (usually she'd be bored long before).

My eyesight is perfect. Hers is perfect. I was a voracious reader as a child, a tomboy who climbed loads of trees and ran around making dens and swimming and all sorts. DD is less outdoorsy but will spend ages making lego or drawing and painting. She is only starting to learn to read (she's 4), but she will listen to long chapter books and enjoy them. We're reading The Horse and His Boy at the moment.

I just don't believe that screen time is a particular issue if a child is being otherwise cared for and stimulated. Just like you wouldn't say a big mac is the worst thing in the world if a child is otherwise eating a good range of home-cooked food.

@duvetdayforeveryone

Could you sign him up for an activity subscription service, such as www.toucanbox.com

Doing an arty activity will keep him off the screen.

While this is a good idea in itself, please don't sign him up for activities which require adult help/input unless you are willing to sit and do them with him yourself. Complex activity kits are just another chore for parents.