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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about adult stepsons behaviour?

324 replies

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 09:19

i have very little experience of older teenagers living at home, so i have no real frame of reference as to whether this is typical behaviour or not but i am at boiling point and am very close to exploding. Partners son is between jobs, so living here at the mo. Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily. Stepson is behaving like kevin the teenager. Hes 20 but is sloping round, staying in his room all day, makes a mess and does absolutely nothing in terms of clearing up etc. Hes borderline rude towards me but his father thinks the sun shines ooha so he never pulls him up. Hes sullen, moody and this hulking great presence. He leaves fag ash and cigarette buts on the floor. I've been nothing but welcoming, although I'm pretty much now avoiding him and so we don't really speak. Last night, through the open bedroom window, I heard him taking a pee in the back garden, in the drain right under the kitchen window. It feels like the final straw and a total lack of respect. So aibu or is this pretty standard? His father will side with him if I say anything.

OP posts:
Muchmorethan · 02/01/2022 13:40

Either speak up and make the DSS move out... or stop moaning about it.

No point posting on here if you're not going to do anything constructive to change the situation

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/01/2022 13:44

I don't need his money

I didn't say you did, only that him being very wealthy no doubt has benefits - one of which, I'd have thought, would be to buy his wretched son his own place instead of foisting him onto you

Come to think of it, why is a 20 year old staying with you, and why can't his father get a hotel between jobs, just as you said he'd do if you dare to "say anything"?
It all seems to come down to you wanting them there, and as said that's your free choice

Lovelymincepies · 02/01/2022 13:45

I’d be throwing my own child out if he behaved like that!

Tell him to leave and if your partner goes with him, he’ll soon learn why you are pissed off when it’s him clearly up after his awful son.

Jaguar77 · 02/01/2022 13:57

18 years together and if he criticize his son then he's off ?

Grow a pair of ovaries!
Call a house meeting and lay down the law. No smoking and no Al fresco pissing .

ListeningButNotHearing · 02/01/2022 14:04

Disgusting unacceptable behaviour.
Get him out.

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2022 14:04

@Imabouttoexplode

They've both just left the house to go food shopping and the son just walks past me and doesn't say bye. He'll come back in later and walk past me and not say hello. I feel invisible in my own home.
Mind boggling that his father allows this level of contempt to pass without comment.

I feel you're being abused by both of them.

gingerbiscuits · 02/01/2022 14:05

Wow. They are both behaving in a disgusting, disrespectful way towards you - no way would I tolerate that in my own home. Not a chance. If his deluded dad is so wealthy then he can pay for his vile, overgrown prick of a son to stay somewhere else. You need to make a stand - they're both treating you like crap.

GoodnightGrandma · 02/01/2022 14:05

I’d kick them both out.

chaosrabbitland · 02/01/2022 14:06

its hard to know what to say , really , you dont want the relationship with your partner to end and yet if you say anything to his son about the unreasonable behaviour then you have said you think your partner will go to stay elsewhere with his son as he sides with him against you

unfortunataly if you dont want to tell his son to either sort out his behaviour or get the fuck out of your house then you are stuck with putting up with it , as the crux of this is , you dont want your partner to end things over it ,
only you can decide how much and for how long your willing to put up with this , id have had the son out and off down the road some time ago and if my partner wanted to follow him then fair enough , but as you have said your not willing to end it with him yet , so the ball really is in your court as to what to do .

Knittingnanny2 · 02/01/2022 14:07

It’s not “ usual” “ regular” or “ normal” behaviour
I’ve got 3 adult sons and 2 adult stepdaughters, none of them behaved anything like that.

gingerbiscuits · 02/01/2022 14:09

I agree with @Butchyrestingface Undeserved contempt is exactly what it is.

Skeumorph · 02/01/2022 14:12

@Imabouttoexplode

Thank you all for your input. Its been sobering to hear. If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar because his son can do no wrong and he thinks he's a good lad. Which he is with other people but not with me. I'm fed up with it and a seething mass of resentment now but im trying to be tolerant and keep the peace.
As said above. If your partner will literally walk out of the home YOU are providing for him and his useless, non-contributing-to-anything-on-this-earth son for asking him to show some BASIC RESPECT to you as both a person and his partner - then yes you absolutely do need to walk away from him.

Dump him for being utterly unconcerned about your welfare
Dump him for having no respect for you either
Dump him for having literally none of the most basic of manners himself (yuk!)
And finally, dump him for being an utterly shit parent who has brought up an absolute ingrate leech.

I do not like your so-called partner one bit and honestly, putting a wig on a broom handle and sitting it on the sofa next to you would count as a better relationship!

Marmelace · 02/01/2022 14:13

Are you afraid to pull them up?

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:15

@Lovelymincepies

I’d be throwing my own child out if he behaved like that!

Tell him to leave and if your partner goes with him, he’ll soon learn why you are pissed off when it’s him clearly up after his awful son.

He does clear up after his son though, to an extent. On the occasions that they've lived together, just the 2 of them, they just get a cleaner. Plus, the son adores his dad, so he's much more pleasant to him, although he can still be surly at times. They've just got in and the son said I'm making a sandwich, do you want one dad. Didn't offer to me. If I did the same in reverse, there'd be hell to pay.
OP posts:
lisaandalan · 02/01/2022 14:16

Time for them both to go. X

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:16

@Marmelace

Are you afraid to pull them up?
Not in any way physically afraid but I do feel that awful anxiety feeling at the minute.
OP posts:
Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:18

@SpacePotato

If your DP is so wealthy why can't he pay rent on a flat for his son?
He could if he wanted him to but he enjoys him being around.
OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 02/01/2022 14:19

@Imabouttoexplode

Thank you all for your input. Its been sobering to hear. If I say anything, my partner will literally move out tomorrow and go to a hotel/airbnb/similar because his son can do no wrong and he thinks he's a good lad. Which he is with other people but not with me. I'm fed up with it and a seething mass of resentment now but im trying to be tolerant and keep the peace.
So you know your partner doesn’t respect you, doesn’t care about how you feel - but you still feel obligated to put up with what is verging on abuse.

Why do you feel you are so worthless that you feel obliged to “keep the peace”?

What are the good points about your partner?
Do you think you are in a fulfilling relationship?
What is in your power to change?

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:21

@NowEvenBetter

What do you want from the thread? You’re a passive bystander in your own life. Who cares if your boyfriend moves out? I can see why you’re ‘not ready’ to dump your very wealthy boyfriend Wink but it comes across as desperate and humiliating yourself just to have a man. Good luck with that.
I've already said, I'm independly wealthy in my own right, I really don't need his money. it has nothing to do with my situation but Yes, you're right, I don't feel particularly proud of myself at the moment for tolerating this shit. The reason for starting the thread though was to get a sense check of whether I was being uptight over nothing or not.
OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 02/01/2022 14:22

If I did the same in reverse, there'd be hell to pay

This says everything that needs to be said about your relationship.

You are with an alpha male who enables his adult son to behave as an adult male.

Meanwhile, you know your place and dare not venture out of your corner.

Honestly, he sounds vile. A cat or a dog would honestly be much better company than this pig.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/01/2022 14:22

"His father will side with him if I say anything."
Fine. He can move out too.

"Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily."
Where does your partner normally live, and why isn't he living there now? Why can't he and his son go to his permanent residence and leave you in peace in your home?

"I don't want to end it with his father, although we have loads of problems ourselves but I'm still not ready for the relationship to end yet."
Can I just check I'm understanding the situation here @Imabouttoexplode - are you saying that you believe your partner of 18 years would end it if you asked his arse of a son to leave your house?

2bazookas · 02/01/2022 14:22

Hes genuinely between jobs and doesn't claim benefits. Hes a trust fund kid. Partner (his dad) is very wealthy.

Then there is absolutely NO problem for wealthy Dad to find him a place to live that isn't your house.

Coop80 · 02/01/2022 14:23

Op you are not being uptight at all but you are allowing them to treat you like a doormat unfortunately and no one deserves that

WomanWomenGirlsFemale · 02/01/2022 14:23

If your partner is starting a new job in 3 weeks his son can leave and stay with him.

Imabouttoexplode · 02/01/2022 14:24

@WhereYouLeftIt

"His father will side with him if I say anything." Fine. He can move out too.

"Its my house and partner is also living here temporarily."
Where does your partner normally live, and why isn't he living there now? Why can't he and his son go to his permanent residence and leave you in peace in your home?

"I don't want to end it with his father, although we have loads of problems ourselves but I'm still not ready for the relationship to end yet."
Can I just check I'm understanding the situation here @Imabouttoexplode - are you saying that you believe your partner of 18 years would end it if you asked his arse of a son to leave your house?

Yes, I think he would.
OP posts: