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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

315 replies

anonforpost · 01/01/2022 18:45

I pay my x 570 PCM for child maintenance as per CMS calculator. AIBU to expect not to pay anything on top of the amount. I believe 570 should be enough to cover all expenses of my 2 year old child.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 01/01/2022 20:14

@borisisaknob

Well I get £300 pm for two children and that's about half what CMS would be

However if I took the full amount from my ex he wouldn't be able to afford to live!

Your ex must earn around £50k. Why couldn’t he afford to pay £600 to raise his children?
Piggyk2 · 01/01/2022 20:15

@borisisaknob

Well I get £300 pm for two children and that's about half what CMS would be

However if I took the full amount from my ex he wouldn't be able to afford to live!

Why would he not be able to live? Because it's based upon your earnings. CMS don't take what you can't afford. My ex pays £200+ for one child and I take it!
dworky · 01/01/2022 20:17

If your child has a lower standard of living than you then, yes you are being very unreasonable.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 01/01/2022 20:17

@dworky

If your child has a lower standard of living than you then, yes you are being very unreasonable.
He lives in a one bed flat. Doesn't seem to be living it up particularly.
Yummypumpkin · 01/01/2022 20:18

@anonforpost

The context is I had a better job so I paid more (like 800) but didn't have time for anything and my x complained that I never had time for my child. Now I took a more flexible job to be able to have more time with my child but the salary is significantly lower. I have reduced my outgoings accordingly and I expect my x to do too. She doesn't agree.
She will always complain at you, it seems.

You really need to disregard what she says and do what you can, what is best for your child, and what is good for you.

LethargicActress · 01/01/2022 20:18

It is more about the principle. My choices shouldn't affect our son.

Of course your choices will affect your son, you are his parent! I’m sure she wouldn’t complain if your choice to get a higher paying job meant more money for her.

I think considering she has to use childcare, you need to make it your business to know how much that costs, bearing in mind it will be term time only if she’s a teacher, and taking into consideration any help she gets for childcare costs. You need to make sure that your CM pays half of the childcare cost and a contribution to your child’s living expenses, but other than that your priority is definitely to spend more time with your son during the week so you have done the right thing by going for more flexibility in your job. Then as your son gets older, he will need his own room when he stays with you so you’ll need to think about how you can provide that too.

Piggyk2 · 01/01/2022 20:20

I think to be fair to OP though if it was me it's not just about paying money. As a mum I would let OP have the child during the week either way. I think you should reduce your hours if you like as long as your willing to do that day even in the school holidays. It would give OPS ex a break too.

MissNothing1991 · 01/01/2022 20:20

My child's father was asked to pay me £25 a month... Haven't had even that since April. So yes, i wouldn't expect anymore on top. That would be life changing to me, that's more than I actually have to live off a month full stop.

RedCandyApple · 01/01/2022 20:21

That’s good, I wouldn’t expect more . My e o

RedCandyApple · 01/01/2022 20:23

My ex only had to pay £7 a week for our four kids

Mellowyellow222 · 01/01/2022 20:26

“He lives in a one bed flat. Doesn't seem to be living it up particularly.”

Depends on the flat!

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/114904964#/?channel=RES_LET

Viviennemary · 01/01/2022 20:26

I think it depends on the ex partners financial circumstances as well as yours as to whether on not you need to pay more.

ancientgran · 01/01/2022 20:28

I get less than half that for teenage GS who lives with me. Parents aren't together so both give me money, I pay for everything they just give birthday/Christmas presents on top.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 01/01/2022 20:30

[quote Mellowyellow222]“He lives in a one bed flat. Doesn't seem to be living it up particularly.”

Depends on the flat!

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/114904964#/?channel=RES_LET[/quote]
Confused yeah somehow i feel that's probably a bit off the mark

MsJaneAusten · 01/01/2022 20:33

My choices shouldn't affect our son.

Errrrr, why not? Pretty much every choice most parents make affects their dc.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 01/01/2022 20:34

The 30 hours will kick in the term after turning 3, so offering to split childcare on top of living expenses until then is fair. As others have said, you need to consider a small 2-bed soon enough so your DS has a room at your home too, but spending time with him is most important.

3mealsaday · 01/01/2022 20:35

570 isn't plenty for a child in full-time childcare. Round here the cost for a full-time nursery place is around 1300-1500 per month. So it does depend on whether the ex receives the childcare element of UC (and how much of her childcare that covers) whether it is fair or not.

The CMS amount in no way reflects what is fair to the other parent or child if a parent genuinely wants to meet their fair share of their child's expenses. The question to ask isn't how much would a hypothetical child cost, but how much does your child reasonably cost? For example, if you could drop to a 4 day week and do one day's childcare a week, that would reduce your child's nursery costs and justify a lower payment.

Mellowyellow222 · 01/01/2022 20:36

@ Getyourarseofffthequattro it was purely illustrative.

georgarina · 01/01/2022 20:41

How much time do they spend with the child?

3mealsaday · 01/01/2022 20:41

It's bizarre that people think the OP would be justified in not meeting his fair share of his child's expenses just because there are some truly shit parents out there who never see their kids and pay £25 per month.

I don't think it is the OP's intention to compare himself to those parents - he's scaled down his work to be more involved in his child's life and wants to know based on that what a truly fair financial contribution would be. So he's clearly setting the bar a bit higher for himself than being a shit, uninvolved parent who pays the bare minimum. So hardly useful to compare him to the £25 a month brigade Confused.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 01/01/2022 20:43

@3mealsaday

It's bizarre that people think the OP would be justified in not meeting his fair share of his child's expenses just because there are some truly shit parents out there who never see their kids and pay £25 per month.

I don't think it is the OP's intention to compare himself to those parents - he's scaled down his work to be more involved in his child's life and wants to know based on that what a truly fair financial contribution would be. So he's clearly setting the bar a bit higher for himself than being a shit, uninvolved parent who pays the bare minimum. So hardly useful to compare him to the £25 a month brigade Confused.

Some people on here think it's a race to the bottom though. Happens on every thread about maintenance.
MissTrip82 · 01/01/2022 20:47

Well presumably in deciding to have your child more you worked out a budget for that, so you know roughly what it costs for childcare per hour, food, clothes, shoes, rent, electricity etc.

Your own budget and the costs you’re paying for directly will help guide you.

Twillow · 01/01/2022 20:49

The CMS is the minimum, sure, and over and above that depend on a lot of things in my view. I am in the situation where my ex resents paying the CMS amount (even though it is below half of yours) so refuses to contribute anything towards what I would consider reasonable extras - ie school trips, orthodontic treatment etc.
He could afford this. So as a result the relationship between us is bad - non-speaking terms. Clearly that is not good for the children. So my advice would be, be honest and reasonable. Don't take the attitude that your ex just want money to improve her own living conditions, because what she really wants (speaking for myself of course) is to provide a decent standard of care for her children. It's not going on Prosecco and lipstick. Be prepared to extend the minimum when you can afford it for reasonable extras. But you shouldn't have to maintain whatever you paid before when your income is now lower.

Twillow · 01/01/2022 20:51

Sorry, just realised I wrote her children. Of course, I meant that a decent standard of care at her home is beneficial to your child - the child of you both. Not explaining this well!

Sowhatifiam · 01/01/2022 20:53

Dunno. At one point I was paying £1,200 a month on childcare so £570 Wouldn’t have touched the sides. Can’t be made to pay more, however,