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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance

315 replies

anonforpost · 01/01/2022 18:45

I pay my x 570 PCM for child maintenance as per CMS calculator. AIBU to expect not to pay anything on top of the amount. I believe 570 should be enough to cover all expenses of my 2 year old child.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 04/01/2022 18:25

(Vote changed to YABU, because I'm so shocked you don't understand what parenting is.)

Original poster
anonforpost · 04/01/2022 18:32

[quote Jessie75]@anonforpost - so in the meantime why wouldn’t you offer more financial support? I’m at an absolute loss to understand why during the biggest boom where ever likely to see in our lifetimes in terms of employment opportunities and workers ability to negotiate working from home, flexible work patterns and pay rises why you wouldn’t be making hay while the sunshine‘s if you’re not allowed to utilise the spare time to spend with your child it, literally makes no sense.[/quote]
I would take as much time with my child if she were to offer. That is why I changed jobs. No way to do it in my previous job. She would not allow it at the moment. It has to be at her speed as the other option (court) is worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
anonforpost · 04/01/2022 18:38

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

I am happy to be a nanny to my son but we are not there yet. What does this mean? He's your son, you're a father, it's called PARENTING. This makes it sound like you don't understand at all what parenting responsibilities look like. Have you spent any time with the child alone? How much and when?
I have. The reason I mentioned nanny is in case she has to go out on days that I am not supposed to have my child. Our arrangement is inflexible (every other weekend) and she prefers to keep it like that.
OP posts:
Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 19:09

Yes I get that I understand what you’re saying and I understand why you wouldn’t choose the court option. But given as you say you’re not being allowed to see the kid why wouldn’t you then maximise your earning potential to the benefit of you and your child.

Unless of course you’ve just stepped down in your career and that has absolutely nothing to do with the kid which of course is your right, But is a very different picture to the one that you’ve painted here

Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 19:10

@anonforpost
Basically it looks as if you’re going part time to look after a child that you don’t actually have to look after and the result of that is is that the child receives less support from you financially, just makes no sense 🤦‍♀️

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 04/01/2022 19:13

The reason I mentioned nanny is in case she has to go out on days that I am not supposed to have my child.
That still doesnt make you a nanny. Because you are the parent. Fucksake. You are not just a parent on some predecided days of the week.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/01/2022 19:15

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

The reason I mentioned nanny is in case she has to go out on days that I am not supposed to have my child. That still doesnt make you a nanny. Because you are the parent. Fucksake. You are not just a parent on some predecided days of the week.
That is all he's being allowed to be, by the sounds of it.
whenthedoveslie · 04/01/2022 19:24

My child's father was asked to pay me £25 a month... Haven't had even that since April. So yes, i wouldn't expect anymore on top. That would be life changing to me, that's more than I actually have to live off a month full stop.

To you. Thankfully, not everyone has the bar set so low.

OhamIreally · 04/01/2022 20:25

I did a calculation a few years ago to see how much I was subsidising my ex's lack of parenting.

I took the number of hours in a year, removed all school hours, divided the remaining hours (during all of which a child would need to be cared for) into two and times it by £10 per hour (the rate at which I had to pay a babysitter). The result was around £22,000 per year. I think I factored in his minimal contact as well.

The fact is before we even start on the accommodation, food and clothing of a child this is the benefit the NRP is getting- £22K childcare a year and their child brought up for a pittance.

Those of us who are lone parents know the sacrifices we have to make to be there for our children- the rapid calculation we make if we're asked to stay late for a meeting or go on a work away day, the panic when we realise we're going to be late for pick up and the fine is a pound a minute.

£570 a month to get your kid brought up in a warm loving home? Fucking bargain of the century.

BackAwayFatty · 04/01/2022 20:26

If your ex won't let you have your child more, and you don't want to go to court, what are you gaining by obtaining a more flexible job?

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/01/2022 20:39

@OhamIreally

I did a calculation a few years ago to see how much I was subsidising my ex's lack of parenting.

I took the number of hours in a year, removed all school hours, divided the remaining hours (during all of which a child would need to be cared for) into two and times it by £10 per hour (the rate at which I had to pay a babysitter). The result was around £22,000 per year. I think I factored in his minimal contact as well.

The fact is before we even start on the accommodation, food and clothing of a child this is the benefit the NRP is getting- £22K childcare a year and their child brought up for a pittance.

Those of us who are lone parents know the sacrifices we have to make to be there for our children- the rapid calculation we make if we're asked to stay late for a meeting or go on a work away day, the panic when we realise we're going to be late for pick up and the fine is a pound a minute.

£570 a month to get your kid brought up in a warm loving home? Fucking bargain of the century.

But it wouldn't be that would it? Because if you want to play it that way, they're your responsibility half the time. So you'd have to take your half off before taking off school hours and his contact wouldn't you?

Im not saying minimal contact isn't shit, it is, but your calculation isnt right.

And £570 is only a "bargain" if you've got it. It's a fucking lot of you don't. It's relative, like everything.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 04/01/2022 20:45

@Getyourarseofffthequattro did you miss the bit where @OhamIreally divided the hours in half? Eg half hers half exes.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/01/2022 20:46

[quote CiaoForDiNiaoSaur]**@Getyourarseofffthequattro* did you miss the bit where @OhamIreally* divided the hours in half? Eg half hers half exes.[/quote]
You're right I did! Sorry. Point taken!

Original poster
anonforpost · 04/01/2022 20:54

@BackAwayFatty

If your ex won't let you have your child more, and you don't want to go to court, what are you gaining by obtaining a more flexible job?
without going to court, offering flexibility is my best bet. My son is relentless and I think she will need more help soon. For example for emergencies, if he needs to be picked up before the end of the day, if she is unwell, etc. I was never an option because I was never available.
OP posts:
BackAwayFatty · 04/01/2022 21:27

Fair enough. Fingers crossed you get to see your child more.

Jessie75 · 04/01/2022 21:38

By her basic maths though dividing that £22,000 by 2 we’re still left with 11,000 which is £400 short V’s what the OP is paying & being applauded for such a mighty contribution 🙄

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/01/2022 21:43

@Jessie75

By her basic maths though dividing that £22,000 by 2 we’re still left with 11,000 which is £400 short V’s what the OP is paying & being applauded for such a mighty contribution 🙄
Well, yes. But the reality is she's a parent, not a babysitter and doesn't get paid £10 an hour.

Again, yes eow contact is shit, but that doesn't make £570 a bargain. £570 is a lot of money...!

It doesn't cost me £1140 a month to being up my child not even remotely close. If I had ft nursery fees then yes perhaps, not including UC or TFC.

But even so I don't believe demanding half if the answer or saying well this is what a babysitter costs, because you're not one.

OhamIreally · 04/01/2022 22:03

@Getyourarseofffthequattro yes but I'm only one of the two parents my child has. I've quoted this calculation before and got a lot of guff about being a parent and how I should do it for love. Well yes I am a parent and I do love my child but I HAVE to be available- I can't just say "I'm not available" like my ex does or like OP used to do.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/01/2022 22:28

[quote OhamIreally]@Getyourarseofffthequattro yes but I'm only one of the two parents my child has. I've quoted this calculation before and got a lot of guff about being a parent and how I should do it for love. Well yes I am a parent and I do love my child but I HAVE to be available- I can't just say "I'm not available" like my ex does or like OP used to do. [/quote]
I agree your ex seems shit, nobody is disputing that, but he shouldn't pay you like a babysitter because you're not one. He should however take an interest in his own child and pay the appropriate amount of maintenance, yes.

I don't know the answer on how to force someone to take an interest unfortunately.

OhamIreally · 04/01/2022 22:38

I'm not saying he should pay me like a babysitter I'm pointing out the financial value of the subsidy I'm providing.
And like @HugeAckmansWife I saw the reality that a child arrangement order places NO obligation on the NRP to have contact and only imposes obligations on the RP to make their child available which is why I refused to submit to one.
£570 might seem a lot of money to some but it depends where you live. Wouldn't go far where I live. Nursery full time was £1400 a month.
It does seem to me that Quattro is invested in the current sexist status quo.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/01/2022 22:55

@OhamIreally

I'm not saying he should pay me like a babysitter I'm pointing out the financial value of the subsidy I'm providing. And like *@HugeAckmansWife* I saw the reality that a child arrangement order places NO obligation on the NRP to have contact and only imposes obligations on the RP to make their child available which is why I refused to submit to one. £570 might seem a lot of money to some but it depends where you live. Wouldn't go far where I live. Nursery full time was £1400 a month. It does seem to me that Quattro is invested in the current sexist status quo.
Hmm invested? Invested how exactly? Please, go on.

Simply pointing out you are in fact a parent and not a paid babysitter doesn't make me 'invested'. It's a fact.

I appreciate how shit it must be to have an uninterested ex. I myself have an uninterested dad. I get it, it's shit. We all know it's shit. Would he have been a better dad if he'd continued to ignore me but thrown more money at the issue? Well maybe in my mum's eyes but he'd still be a shit dad to me.

As for a CAO, I'm not sure how you can "not submit" to one? Unless you are simply ignoring it and withholding access?

Also, £570 is a lot to a lot of people. Do you know how much min wage is a month?

Many people don't earn £1400 a month let alone spend that on nursery.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 04/01/2022 22:57

I would also say a CAO is for the benefit of the child, not the NRP.

Piggyk2 · 05/01/2022 06:03

£570 might seem a lot of money to some but it depends where you live. Wouldn't go far where I live. Nursery full time was £1400 a month.

This thread has gone wild Grin I mean £570 is a lot and to expect half of nursery fees is reasonable IF your NRP earns that type of salary... IF THOUGH.

Realistically how much money would you like a month? Are people dating really wealthy dad's? Honestly Confused half of nursery fees alone would be £700!!

3mealsaday · 05/01/2022 08:04

Realistically how much money would you like a month? Are people dating really wealthy dad's? Honestly confused half of nursery fees alone would be £700!!

Why is it that average-earning mums can afford nursery fees, while only wealthy dads can afford them? Do nurseries do special discounts for female parents or something like that? Genuinely puzzled!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 05/01/2022 08:10

@3mealsaday

Realistically how much money would you like a month? Are people dating really wealthy dad's? Honestly confused half of nursery fees alone would be £700!!

Why is it that average-earning mums can afford nursery fees, while only wealthy dads can afford them? Do nurseries do special discounts for female parents or something like that? Genuinely puzzled!

Average earning mums can't afford them Confused I couldn't afford to pay ft nursery fees alone with no help. I don't know many people who could.

That's precisely why some people get a contribution from UC and use TFC.

Even on the "average" wage you couldn't afford ft nursery at £1400 as stated above and say rent or mortgage let alone anything else.

People can't afford it. That's the issue.