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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my friends meet up without me

137 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:23

Feel childish saying this but yet again I have logged onto Facebook and seen happy photos of my friends on a meet up I knew nothing about. There’s 5 of us in the group, we talk on WhatsApp, go to the theatre for meals etc. Seeing them all together on Facebook today really upset me and has made me feel excluded 😞 I understand that we won’t always meet as a whole group all the time but I was the only one not invited. I am the only one with kids, the rest are child free and do have more freedom to do things at short notice. I am also living much further away than the rest. I have a DS with SN and life can be isolating. I just wish that the invite had been there even if I couldn’t go. Feeling a bit shit now especially as we’d all been talking on WhatsApp this morning. Seeking advice, am I being too sensitive? Please be kind. I suffer from social anxiety, I wish I didn’t care about these things so much 😞

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 01/01/2022 18:26

This type of thing has happened to me all my life and I've always confronted people when this type of thing has happened. But now I have zero friends as a consequence so I guess you have to be prepared for that to happen.
I think people can quickly turn it around onto you when they they are in the wrong.
I'm guessing it's because you have a child so they probably thought you wouldn't be able to get out

chooseyourusername · 01/01/2022 18:27

How mean of them. YANBU - they could have mentioned it even if they knew it would be difficult for you to go. I can imagine how upset you feel. Surely they must know you would see the photos? Have you said anything about the photos?

forrestgreen · 01/01/2022 18:29

Not u at all. I'd have to message I'm afraid

Sparklesocks · 01/01/2022 18:29

I’d feel hurt too

Freddiefox · 01/01/2022 18:29

It’s rubbish op, and it’s not the way to treat friends.
But this is the role they have given you, you either need to be ok with this, or change it.

I would say I had a similar situation and it made me feel awful. Same issues with being left out.

You can either walk away, or mix it up a bit. I made sure I organised some events now rather than always let others organise them, and it has changed the power balance in the relationship.

I also made a difference network of friends, so my old groups didn’t seem as important as I had other friends so that made it less stressful if I was left out, which in turn build my confidence.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:32

I haven’t commented, no. The one I’m closest to in the group commented on my status earlier (just a HNY update) that we “absolutely MUST sort out a catch up very soon”. Sigh 😔 Yes things like this have happened to me my whole life too. I do understand that they probably thought I was busy with family. Only one is married (child free), the others are all single.

OP posts:
coffeewithmilk · 01/01/2022 18:32

Literally could have written this myself.
It's the exact same with my friend group - I'm the only one married and have a baby on the way but an invite to things would be nice.
I suppose I'm just in a different stage in life and they probably think that I wouldn't be interested in going out etc because im preoccupied with other things.

Try and organise a coffee or lunch with one or 2 of your friends so you can still be included in things, but on your own terms! You organise and you decide who you invite. Maybe the rest of the group might get the message then.

Sorry that you're feeling so shit. I've been there many times and it's not nice. X

catfunk · 01/01/2022 18:33

I think if you want to be invited you'll have to take a more friendly pleasant approach -
'Ooh saw your pics, looked fun! I'd love to come along next time if that's ok' rather than accusatory. Sometimes these things happen perfectly innocently ie it could have been 2/3 of them then the other one tagged along but to you it looks like all 4 of them leaving you out on purpose.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:39

Thanks, I don’t think I could say anything as it would make it awkward. I would then feel like any invite was only coming out of obligation. Weirdly, one of the girls in the group is always moaning when the others meet without her. The main friend I talk to is always saying that she moaned so they took her out lol.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 01/01/2022 18:40

How much further away do you live? Is it a last minute plannable distance? I.e free for a coffee this afternoon? See you in 30 mins?

RandomMess · 01/01/2022 18:40

Are they meeting up just as women no partners?

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:42

I would be far too embarrassed to accuse them of exclusion, I don’t think there would be any going back from that. Yes, I agree, it’s not necessarily them deliberately excluding me but it just sucks all the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:43

They are all single apart from one who’s married but they all meet up just them, no partners.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:46

@MichelleScarn

How much further away do you live? Is it a last minute plannable distance? I.e free for a coffee this afternoon? See you in 30 mins?
I’m about 30 minutes by car (I don’t drive) and 45 minutes by bus. No busses today so I would have been stuck anyway. I think sometimes the assumption is that I’m busy doing stuff with my kids (I have two boys) or husband, just an invite would have been nice
OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 01/01/2022 18:47

I’m a bit torn. I have a friendship group where one woman lives MUCH further away (an hours motorway drive or so) and is the only one with a child. The rest of us (no more than about 2 miles apart) will occasionally text each other “dog walk?” “coffee?” Etc.
She’s not bothered by this and would rather not be pestered for stuff she can’t get to!

DysmalRadius · 01/01/2022 18:47

While your may prefer to have an invitation even if you can't go, do you think it's possible that they think it would be rubbing your nose in it to invite you to things that you would be unlikely to be able to attend?

maddy68 · 01/01/2022 18:49

That's it isn't it? They were going to a pub or something or just wanted child free time

Stiffcondomhat · 01/01/2022 18:50

You get out what you put in. My friends do this but I never organise anything myself so I can't really complain.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:50

@coffeewithmilk

Literally could have written this myself. It's the exact same with my friend group - I'm the only one married and have a baby on the way but an invite to things would be nice. I suppose I'm just in a different stage in life and they probably think that I wouldn't be interested in going out etc because im preoccupied with other things.

Try and organise a coffee or lunch with one or 2 of your friends so you can still be included in things, but on your own terms! You organise and you decide who you invite. Maybe the rest of the group might get the message then.

Sorry that you're feeling so shit. I've been there many times and it's not nice. X

I do think it’s partly being in a different stage of life to them. The assumption being that you are busy with other things. I’m lucky in that I do have friends with kids, we do things in the school holidays etc. It’s not always easy to find the time to meet but it’s nice to know I’m wanted!
OP posts:
BooksAndGin · 01/01/2022 18:51

That's the thing, your at a different stage to them. You need to accept that and find friends with more in common. Thanks

5thHelena · 01/01/2022 18:52

It's completely understandable that you're upset. The exact same thing happened to me. There was a group of us ('the inner circle') that were really good friends.. so I thought. Then I saw a post on Facebook of all of them together, and even worse, comments about what a great laugh/ night they'd had. I was so hurt to be excluded and texted one of them ( my closest friend in the group) to say so. Her response was 'this isn't about you H' ... cue even more hurt! They then closed ranks against me and I've never seen them again. Absolutely horrific and the worst thing (friendship wise) that's ever happened to me. If you do tackle them, be prepared for the possible consequences.

Chickenwing2 · 01/01/2022 18:54

I would message something like "have I done something wrong?" You will either get an honest answer or they will realise they have excluded you.

Hankunamatata · 01/01/2022 18:55

Its new years day, you live 45 mins away and you have no transport. U are being a tiny bit unreasonable. They probably just arranged to meet up last minute

Hotyogahotchoc · 01/01/2022 18:55

Would you have gone if they invited you? It sounds like you wouldn't in which case they're not U to not invite you.

You are not U to feel left out but I think I'd stop inviting someone if they always said no or there were issues.

EinsteinaGogo · 01/01/2022 18:56

@Chickenwing2

I would message something like "have I done something wrong?" You will either get an honest answer or they will realise they have excluded you.

I would be wary of messaging something like that.

Rightly or wrongly, people react badly to having a challenge put to them directly.