Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my friends meet up without me

137 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:23

Feel childish saying this but yet again I have logged onto Facebook and seen happy photos of my friends on a meet up I knew nothing about. There’s 5 of us in the group, we talk on WhatsApp, go to the theatre for meals etc. Seeing them all together on Facebook today really upset me and has made me feel excluded 😞 I understand that we won’t always meet as a whole group all the time but I was the only one not invited. I am the only one with kids, the rest are child free and do have more freedom to do things at short notice. I am also living much further away than the rest. I have a DS with SN and life can be isolating. I just wish that the invite had been there even if I couldn’t go. Feeling a bit shit now especially as we’d all been talking on WhatsApp this morning. Seeking advice, am I being too sensitive? Please be kind. I suffer from social anxiety, I wish I didn’t care about these things so much 😞

OP posts:
saraclara · 01/01/2022 18:58

@Chickenwing2

I would message something like "have I done something wrong?" You will either get an honest answer or they will realise they have excluded you.
That's terrible advice
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:59

@5thHelena

It's completely understandable that you're upset. The exact same thing happened to me. There was a group of us ('the inner circle') that were really good friends.. so I thought. Then I saw a post on Facebook of all of them together, and even worse, comments about what a great laugh/ night they'd had. I was so hurt to be excluded and texted one of them ( my closest friend in the group) to say so. Her response was 'this isn't about you H' ... cue even more hurt! They then closed ranks against me and I've never seen them again. Absolutely horrific and the worst thing (friendship wise) that's ever happened to me. If you do tackle them, be prepared for the possible consequences.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. How awful. They are not nasty women, they are all kind, good people who got me through lockdown, we all regularly video called, sent each other treats through the post and did regular sanity check ins! I think it’s more about them having more availability/freedom. Trying very hard not to take it personally x
OP posts:
SkeletonSkins · 01/01/2022 19:00

Hmmm have you turned down quite a few invitations to things in the past due to kids/travel etc?

I’ve got a group of friends and one friend said no basically every time, always for legitimate reasons, busy with kids etc but it got to the point it felt a bit awkward inviting her as it was always a no.

Biscuitsneeded · 01/01/2022 19:01

Look at this from the point of view of those who are single. It's New Year's Day, and they imagine you are having a lovely day with your family. They don't have that, and to avoid spending the day alone they arrange to meet up with other single friends. I am sure there's nothing unkind about it - they just assume you will want to be with your boys today. Just message them and say 'hey, that looked like fun, I really fancy a child-free day so please let me know next time you meet up'.

Neron · 01/01/2022 19:02

YANBU to feel as you are, and it must feel like you have been excluded.
From their POV, they would all have had to travel to you today. You also have responsibilities they don't have.

Do they often ask and you have to decline?

Shedmistress · 01/01/2022 19:05

You don't drive and there are no buses...so why would they invite you knowing you can't go?

LetHimHaveIt · 01/01/2022 19:10

I think the non-driving plus the child has added up to this. I'm a non-driver and mum-of-three and I'm always gratefully astonished when friends are happy to come to me, honestly. But I don't get the arse if I see photos of them at a location they've clearly driven to at fairly short notice. They'd have to come and get you, and drop you back. Not always workable.

I think you've already said you won't, but don't whatever you do, text 'Have I done something wrong?' - sounds incredibly self-pitying and passive-aggressive. I can't believe anyone would actually send that message.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 01/01/2022 19:10

I get why your hurt but I don’t think they’ve meant anything by it.
It’s New Year’s Day they’ll assume you’re spending it as a family. You’re also 45 mins away by public transport and there is no public transport.
It sounds like for some things you’re just at different life stages. If it was me I’d just forget about it. If you don’t have something arranged then I’d text to the group suggesting something.

5thHelena · 01/01/2022 19:11

@TwinkleTwinkleSeren it does seem like your situation is slightly different from mine ( regarding the different circumstances between you and your friends.) We were all pretty much in the same boat. I had only a few weeks before taken all of us out for a meal ( no expense spared) as I had been made redundant a few months before and wanted to show how grateful I was to them for being so supportive in a rotten situation)It was soon after that they had this get together without me.. I was so confused and hurt. I would have described them as lovely kind wonderful friends too ( for many years) and I still to this day (4 years later) don't understand how it all disintegrated so rapidly... I'm glad you're not taking it personally... but I completely understand how you feel.

Flowersandhearts · 01/01/2022 19:12

You could just say something like 'It looks like you had a lovely meet up earlier. Happy New Year guys'. Hopefully that would make them feel sufficiently guilty for not asking you without making you look bad.

RandomMess · 01/01/2022 19:15

Just post something like "looks like a great day can't wait to join you next time x"

Flowersandhearts · 01/01/2022 19:16

Also while I agree that they may have assumed you were busy and can't drive so can't get there, they could have said something when you said "We must meet up soon" and explained that they thought you'd be busy and not want to travel.

HappyDays40 · 01/01/2022 19:17

See I think this is a shit way to treat a friend. Its not like you were not the only one. I have a friend who ALWAYS decides not to come last minute. He has anxiety but I always invite him and tell him where we are if we go from place to place. I think he appreciates the effort.I hope one day to see him out.

EinsteinaGogo · 01/01/2022 19:19

Mainly sounds like they are single women, meeting up as single women, OP. Especially on a bank holiday that most married people would be spending together.

I wouldn't take that personally.

Social media does have a lot to answer for though - no need for the 'look at us' pictures.

Dillydollydingdong · 01/01/2022 19:23

Take the bull by the horns and organize something yourself, then invite them.

Elieza · 01/01/2022 19:26

Try and work out why you were excluded.

They excluded another girl before as she complained.

What usually happens when you meet up? Do you refuse a lot or request a certain venue a lot? Or does one of them have to collect you as you don’t drive? Or did you say you had a lot of plans on etc? Or that family keeps you very busy.

There will be answer.

watchingrnfire · 01/01/2022 19:27

That's what happens when you're in a different stage in life than your friends. They assume your busy or won't be interested so they don't bother asking, or you turn down invites too many times and they then stop asking you ask they think your answer will be no as usual.

It's sucks, would be nice to still be invited, then Atleast you won't feel excluded.

When I got married my friends would meet up without me, because am married now and won't be readily available, it used to annoy me that they would just assume am busy, what's the harm in asking me then I can come if I want, it's as if they think you will feel obliged so don't want to put you in a sticky situation 🙄

user290814356289 · 01/01/2022 19:29

Were you the only one out of the 5 not there?

dibly · 01/01/2022 19:29

I think it’s off. If the main contact is through a group WhatsApp chat why couldn’t they just add it on there? Accept they’d have thought it was unlikely you’d be able to go, but it’s feeling included in the offer/invitation/planning. I’d probably ask your closest friend in the group how it came up when you next see her and let her know you felt excluded - if she’s felt this before then she’ll get it and hopefully share the info next time.

watchingrnfire · 01/01/2022 19:32

Continuing from my comment above

They are being mean by not inviting you. It's funny, I have quite a few sil's now (husbands brothers wives), when we would all make plans there would always be one of them that would say 'I won't ask Jane (another sil who isn't present when the plans are being made) she must be so busy with baby or she may not be available. And that's without asking the person. I'd always be the one that'll say I'll text Jane anyway, then the faces would be made

WineGetsMeThroughIt · 01/01/2022 19:35

This would happen to me quite often in life. I got incredibly down when my NCT group I hung out with all the time met without me and my son. I went back to work before they all did, and as a result I become pushed out of the group. They started doing things together and not inviting me on days I was able to meet up. I decided the stress and anxiety it caused me from being excluded wasn't worth my tears and effort anymore so I stopped trying to keep in touch with them. Never even told them I had a second child until my husband put it on Facebook and then they all tried to get back in touch to see the baby and our new extension. Like fuck off!!

OP - either ask the one you feel closest too about it, or move on. It's not worth the angst

MimosaFields · 01/01/2022 19:48

Is there history of you cancelling last minute due to family stuff? Or maybe not coming as you cannot drive? If you are known for not been able to join them, then it would make sense that you get invited less and less. If they see each other more regularly, their friendship will be evolving in ways that you are not part of, so on a day where a lot of people are hangover and just want easy conversation about last night's party, it wouldn't make sense to have you there, especially knowing you wouldn't be able to come anyway

ItsFuckingJuneDadQuickHide · 01/01/2022 19:51

@Shedmistress

You don't drive and there are no buses...so why would they invite you knowing you can't go?
That's not the point though. You invite someone so they feel included. It's terribly rude not to invite one person for whatever reason
MimosaFields · 01/01/2022 19:53

Also, in the odd occasions when you do meet them, do you feel you are still part of that group? Are they interested in your life and vice versa, or are you just sitting there not been able to contribute much? I think that really makes a difference. There are old friends I cannot meet up much with any more, as we really don't have much in common with at the moment. Different stages in life, but the day will come when it all falls into place again

Prinnny · 01/01/2022 19:53

I’m torn…if it was a well arranged day out then I’d be upset but if it’s last minute and you are known to have family commitments YABU. Also if you don’t drive and there’s no public transport maybe they felt if you were asked they have to offer to collect you?

Either way I would have to say something, maybe a comment on the post like ‘oh wish I was there girls’, non accusing but reminding them of your existence!