That my friends meet up without me

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

Feel childish saying this but yet again I have logged onto Facebook and seen happy photos of my friends on a meet up I knew nothing about. There’s 5 of us in the group, we talk on WhatsApp, go to the theatre for meals etc. Seeing them all together on Facebook today really upset me and has made me feel excluded 😞 I understand that we won’t always meet as a whole group all the time but I was the only one not invited. I am the only one with kids, the rest are child free and do have more freedom to do things at short notice. I am also living much further away than the rest. I have a DS with SN and life can be isolating. I just wish that the invite had been there even if I couldn’t go. Feeling a bit shit now especially as we’d all been talking on WhatsApp this morning. Seeking advice, am I being too sensitive? Please be kind. I suffer from social anxiety, I wish I didn’t care about these things so much 😞

I’m sorry to read this. That is hurtful. I’m sure it’s only because you’re the only one with a child, and nothing personal to you, but it’s still hurtful. You might be happier if you take steps to meet other mothers and start to form more friendships away from the group.
(Sorry if all of this has been said, but I haven’t read the whole thread yet. I’ll do that now.)

Do you ever suggest and arrange things?
I am part of a group of friends who regularly meet up and it annoys me because one person never organises anything and always expects someone to pick her up.

@user290814356289

Were you the only one out of the 5 not there?

Yes, the only one not there or aware of any meet up. I think there’s another WhatsApp group where they arrange stuff.

This is such a shame. I'm so sorry OP. Something similar happened to me, but all of our personal circumstances were the same. Quite a few things happened in a row, so I did raise it with the group. I was totally ostracised as a result. One of them was one of my very closest friends who I had done so much for over the years. She even refused to meet me to talk as "she was too busy". I never heard from any of them again. I believe one of them was a power player and it suited her to get me out of the group - she'll have stirred up trouble. I heard later she'd been bad mouthing me behind my back for a few years. These were very long term friendships. It happened at a point in my life where I was being hit from all sides and needed support. My mental health and anxiety took a real battering for a while. It was almost a relief when the close friend made it clear she didn't want to resolve things as it dragged on for several months. You do heal though.

I think they should have asked you. It is hard not to be hurt when you see group photos.

Not nice really they should have invited you and let you decide whether you could make it or not always seems underhand to me not asking then putting it on FB knows you will.see it after the event. Thoughtless and insensitive

Dont message them. This is bad advice.

It’s always best to just start organising your own things, become the planner.

Everyone feels left out sometimes it’s very normal, and it’s also normal for groups to get into patterns of hanging out and inviting certain members to certain types of events.

Whilst its always nice to be invited, even if you have to decline, as an organiser it’s a faff to invite people to things you know they can’t do and won’t enjoy.

The entire financial model of social media is to make us feel left out and then show us advertisements that we buy to feel better.

@Biscuitsneeded

Look at this from the point of view of those who are single. It's New Year's Day, and they imagine you are having a lovely day with your family. They don't have that, and to avoid spending the day alone they arrange to meet up with other single friends. I am sure there's nothing unkind about it - they just assume you will want to be with your boys today. Just message them and say 'hey, that looked like fun, I really fancy a child-free day so please let me know next time you meet up'.

This is the best advice OP!

Always always assume the best and try not to take things personally.

I’m in a few groups and I find that it comes in swings and roundabouts, sometimes I’m invited to loads and sometimes I see things on social media that make me feel excluded.

BUT I also plan a lot of things, parties & holidays and I know that sometimes others will see things I’ve organised and feel left out, and I know that it’s not usual intentional, or even if it is with intention, it might be because I want a certain vibe for the event (single ladies getting day drunk!! For instance) and therefore won’t invite the friend who doesn’t drink and has family responsibilities.

Not because I don’t love that friend, it’s just not the vibe for that day. But if said friend messaged something like the above (fancying a child free day) then they would absolutely be on my radar for the next thing. If said left out friend asked me if they’d done something wrong I would 1. Feel awful and 2. Dislike the drama.

@spidersenses wow that really resonates with me. It's such a painful experience..

We've just been talking about this at home today. I had a thread on here a few weeks back about a formerly good friend who was increasingly using my annexe as a bit of a free hotel, usually because of work nearby. I didn't mind at all occasionally but she then started asking every week and it was causing quite a lot of work and expense. Plus she kept managing to accidentally break things - blind pulls, handles and the like. Minor but irritating as it all caused extra jobs for me.

The crunch came when she tried to stay over at mine one night and was cagey about why - I then found out there was a gathering of mutual friends she was going to but knew I hadn't been included in. I gently challenged this by text and let her know I found it a bit hurtful. She responded really well at the time. Radio silence ever since. I sent a text to say hi a few weeks back and she messaged back with a closed response. No Christmas or new year greetings. No social media interaction. It feels awful but I don't know what I could have reasonably done differently. After all the favours I'd done her, it seems that with some people you either have to put up with being mugged off or are dropped.

From the other perspective, we invited a couple of close friends here last night. Hadn't caught up in a while and they're easy company. I often host larger parties and pull my weight organising things. People are always happy to come but don't necessarily reciprocate. Another couple (who are lovely but never invite us there) actually told them they were upset not to have been asked! I'm not sure you can win with these things. I certainly wasn't trying to be exclusive but sometimes you don't want the organising hassle.

[quote 5thHelena]@spidersenses wow that really resonates with me. It's such a painful experience..[/quote]
Super painful. Hugs for you and what you went though ❤️

Is this a one off or has this happened before? Have they previously invited you and you've not been able to make it because of childcare restrictions before on a few occasions? If so maybe they just assume you won't be able to make it and don't bother asking you now, me and my friends all suggest dates we are free and the majority who are free on a certain date we meet up, others are unfortunately left out but it's near impossible to get everyone to meet up on the same date and becomes alot of hassle to try and organise a meet up otherwise

I see why you’re upset. How often do you try and organise something and when you do, do they come? Maybe take control if you can of a few meet ups?

That's awful op. I would leave the WhatsApp group to be honest.

They are not your friends.

If a couple of them met up then fine but not when you're the only one not invited/unaware of a meeting taking place.

I’d leave it if it’s a one off but it’s always nice to let ppl know if there’s a meet up planned even if you know they can’t come. Amongst my close female friends we’ll often end up casually mentioning if we’re meeting eachother as pairs too (not all the time) but just to show it’s nice to share this stuff

Sounds like you could not or would not have gone anyway. Logistically it just would t have worked. Maybe they felt guilty knowing you couldn't get there?

You don't need to be confrontational. I had a similar thing with one of my friendship groups. One of my dear friends just wasn't up to meeting and was going through some stuff. We talked about if she turned us down 99 times we would ask 100. We still wanted to meet us and asked if she wanted to know, she did. If she can make it great, if not that's fine too.

@RandomMess

Just post something like "looks like a great day can't wait to join you next time x"

This.

This is a part of life when it moves at different speed to friends.

If these are otherwise nice, kind, generous friends, don't blow up the friendship group.

Your boys will grow, you will have more flexibility, and you will slot in more.

This happens ALL the time with friendship groups.

Don't lose good friends because you have chosen to have children first.

It would be hugely short sighted to do so.

I find it really hard to understand the fact that it is almost a silent code- you will totally get cancelled if you tell your friend/s how you feel about a hurtful situation like this. Sometimes it happens that the two people in a group initiates a meet up then eventually others hear and join too but they could have mentioned in your whatsup group so it would be up to you to decide whether to go or not. On the other hand, in my experience friends with no children can hardly relate to you (friend with a child) they probably wanted a child-free day out. I know it is hurtful

Total overreaction to tell the OP to leave the WhatsApp group, these are nor her friends etc. I kind of get it from their perspective - sounds like you literally couldn't have made it (no car/bus) and they just wanted a quick meet up on New Year's Day somewhere handy. Bit insensitive to post it on FB, but it really doesn't sound like your friends hate you OP! Different life stages as they say...also, being a planner can be so fun! Just not all the time.

I had a similar experience with a group of friends. I found out that they were meeting without me. I told one of them to invite me next time as I would go. I sometimes met with this one friend for coffee as we were in the same position and could meet up at short notice. They still met up as a group without inviting me. Anyway they did invite me out, I knew it was because I was about to get married. One of them then said if they wanted me to organise a hen do etc they would. I didn’t take them up on the offer and haven’t seen any of them since.

They almost certainly just assumed you wouldn't come given the travel time and child care.
And it sounds like you would not have gone.

Expecting them to invite you to things you aren't able to attend - when they have good reason to know you can't attend - is pretty unreasonable of you. You are basically asking them to do a lot of emotional labour for your benefit and not offering much in return.

The issue is not them, it is your response to seeing the photos of them.

Your response to the photo could be "oh how lovely, these friends I love and care about had a nice new years day. Given the focus on "family" at this time of year, it's particularly great my single friends have other people to spend time with and have fun with, like I have fun with my husband and kids"

But your response is "what about me? I feel left out even though I would not have gone.. Am I left out? Do they hate me? What should I do?"

Maybe reflect on whether you could take yourself out of the main focus?

You cannot change other people but you can change your response

I can understand why it upset you and I hate Facebook in this situation.

I was quite looking forward to a quiet New Year’s Eve last night with just our household until I looked on Facebook and saw various friends of ours at each other’s houses. It’s completely normal to feel hurt even though I know deep down it’s not a deliberate snub.

We normally host a nye party for friends but didn’t this year for a variety of reasons. Firstly because of covid and I wasn’t sure if it was the done thing. Secondly because I was tired after hosting Christmas and thirdly because our friends are pretty covid cautious.

I’d sort of hoped we may be invited somewhere for a change, in lieu of hosting for the past few years, but it didn’t happen! (Maybe because we have 3dc?).

Then the sucker punch was that 3 different families (who we have hosted recently here) were on social media hosting other friends of ours instead! (Even the one who is especially covid cautious and supposedly didn’t want to do anything).

It sort of ruined my night tbh but from previous experience of this I won’t do or say anything as it is not worth it.

I put it down as a life lesson and erect a few more mental barriers to protect myself in future. I will still meet up with them as we have fun when we do, but I will know where I am on their priority list!!

Sounds really painful op, I would have felt hurt definitely.
You don’t have to confront or accuse, but you could let them know you need some connection and an injection of fun.
My single friends v tend to ( unconsciously) view my family life as meeting all my needs, and not that it can be challenging at times, and that I might need support too. So maybe there is some of that going on.

It sounds thoughtless rather than malicious op, I would be hurt too in your shows.
I would make a jokey comment that shows you’ve noticed you were missed out and hopefully will remind them to be more considerate and invite you next time, but without being accusatory and causing animosity.