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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my friends meet up without me

137 replies

TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 01/01/2022 18:23

Feel childish saying this but yet again I have logged onto Facebook and seen happy photos of my friends on a meet up I knew nothing about. There’s 5 of us in the group, we talk on WhatsApp, go to the theatre for meals etc. Seeing them all together on Facebook today really upset me and has made me feel excluded 😞 I understand that we won’t always meet as a whole group all the time but I was the only one not invited. I am the only one with kids, the rest are child free and do have more freedom to do things at short notice. I am also living much further away than the rest. I have a DS with SN and life can be isolating. I just wish that the invite had been there even if I couldn’t go. Feeling a bit shit now especially as we’d all been talking on WhatsApp this morning. Seeking advice, am I being too sensitive? Please be kind. I suffer from social anxiety, I wish I didn’t care about these things so much 😞

OP posts:
Mary46 · 02/01/2022 16:44

Op I think you better off without this group. It is hurtful of course. I was left out of flights few years ago (two siblings were hoping just them) it really stung. These really sound mean madames. Hope u ok

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 02/01/2022 17:06

@Mary46

Op I think you better off without this group. It is hurtful of course. I was left out of flights few years ago (two siblings were hoping just them) it really stung. These really sound mean madames. Hope u ok
That sounds very hurtful. It’s hard as I’ve known one of them for 25 years, she’s a good friend. It’s the group dynamic that’s causing a lot of anxiety and hurt.
OP posts:
Mary46 · 02/01/2022 17:13

I hate some group apps. Grown women can be the worst. In my case one sibling is the ringleader. And other goes along with it. So she is as bad. Then "oh I didnt book it" sigh.

Av0bo55 · 02/01/2022 17:24

Aww that’s awful and seen it happened a lot to people I know
I think it could be a few different reasons
Such as they have something against you for some reason?
Being purposely childish and bitchy?
Or just accidentally such as you have a baby so they thought you wouldn’t be free
Or it was too expensive and they know you don’t have much cash spare … however to not even be included and asked is rubbish

Personally I’d have to ask and send a message to say I’m sorry I noticed on fb and just wondering if I had offended any of you to not be included? But that’s me!

Hope your ok op I know this would make most people upset and feel bad.

If there’s no reason why they have excluded you that you can make up for! Then I’d suggest , that you Make more time for kind people, who will treat you well ,with the respect you deserve

moochies · 02/01/2022 17:29

This is sad op.

Were you suggesting that you'd also bring your DC to the sunflower farm?

If they don't have children could it be that they don't want to hang out with children, so went separately? Or would you have gotten a babysitter?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/01/2022 17:33

How awful op, I agree, an invite would have been nice even if you can't make it. What would really upset me is that they have a WhatsApp group without you.

Tbh I'd leave the group and let them get on with it. They aren't being very nice to you

Smorgasborb · 02/01/2022 18:09

Just seen that you are the the only one with kids. Has this changed since you became a parent? If so then clearly it's that that's driving the lack of invite. Maybe they think it's too far or too much effort for you?
Have you previously been invited and asked for locations/date/time to be changed to accommodate you or childcare? Have you turned down lots of invites recently?
Just asking as we have a friend with a kid who we stopped inviting to things as she was either not available (and made us feel bad about it as in 'sorry guys with a 3 month old that won't be possible for me obviously, maybe next time we can do something we can all attend'), she asked us to alter things to suit her arrangements that were inconvenient for us (5pm at a restaurant for example rather than 7.30) or horror of horrors, she brought the kid along. We'd often randomly arrange to have a drink the next night for example for a quick catch up and we'd invite her and it would be a never ending series of WhatsApp's about how she couldn't do tomorrow due to childcare/child illness/some event but in two weeks time she could so can we do it then and it was stupidly short notice etc.
We just stopped inviting her as it ended up being a huge palaver every time for what was often just a spontaneous drink/dinner. It doesn't seem to bother her as she has her mummy friends now....
Is it possible that you've inadvertently indicated to them that it's too hard for you or that if invited they might have to change their plans?
If not I'd be calling them out on it 'hey everyone I know I often can't make things but I'd love to have an invite anyway as I makes me sad that I'm missing out, I miss you all' etc

trickysp · 02/01/2022 18:20

@Smorgasborb Exactly the same situation with our group.

One friend out of 5 has 2 young children. We would plan going for cocktails, a nice brunch etc, and she would often either ask us to change it to a child friendly chain restaurant type place, or bring the children along to things really not appropriate for children.

We would be happy every so often doing something with the children like a national trust park visit, but if she was invited for cocktails at 7pm she would insist that it was changed to Wetherspoons drinks at 4pm so she could bring the children. She was very annoyed if we did anything later at night that she could not come to. She didn't like us doing anything if she could not attend.

It became very difficult. No problem changing occasionally to a child friendly thing, but we didn't want to do that every single time, and if we sometimes said no we actually want to go to I.e a wine tasting festival she would get very shirty.

So we stopped inviting her to things that we knew she either couldn't bring children to or that we didn't want to adapt to a child friendly meet-up.

We always told her if we were doing coffee/lunch etc that we knew she'd be able to come to, but she was so cross with us for doing other things that the friendship faded.

Hotyogahotchoc · 02/01/2022 18:30

But OP if you weren't able to go anyway why do you need the invite?

It sounds like you couldn't have gone and they probably realised that.

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 02/01/2022 18:54

@moochies

This is sad op.

Were you suggesting that you'd also bring your DC to the sunflower farm?

If they don't have children could it be that they don't want to hang out with children, so went separately? Or would you have gotten a babysitter?

I suggested it as a girls day out x
OP posts:
HettieHelvetica · 02/01/2022 18:57

"is so different when you are single and can wake up and do things spontaneously whereas they know I’d have to arrange childcare in advance and can’t get to certain places anyway. It hurts to be the only one left out though."

I understand why you might feel hurt, but would you really want everyone else to miss out on doing things that don't suit your stage of life?

Planning/ organising is a task that takes emotional energy. It takes much less energy to text things like "shall we do X now/ today " rather than "the new cocktail and tapas bar I fancy has availability at 3 tomorrow, but that doesn't suit the bus route to we'll go somewhere different that is closer to the stop three weeks on Wednesday at 11 because that's when the OP has childcare". It's not a slight on you, it's just people in different circumstances living their own lives.

HettieHelvetica · 02/01/2022 19:08

Regarding the sunflower farm, did you "suggest" it, or did you attempt to organise a day? Going back to the emotional energy argument - there's a difference between "I want to go there, someone should organise a day there for the girls and by the way I'll need lifts both ways CPR someone adding an hour each way" and "Shall we go on X day and meet at noon". Apologies if this seems like nitpicking, it's not intended this way, I'm just trying to understand the group dynamics.

EinsteinaGogo · 02/01/2022 19:48

OP,

you mention you don't drive and it's hard for you to get to places.

Is there anything stopping you from learning / getting a car (genuine question, i know there can be medical / financial issues).

If there aren't any - can you put driving on your list? It's MASSIVELY freeing to be able to get anywhere you want, when you want.

Smorgasborb · 02/01/2022 22:39

And the sunflower farm could be one of those things. We've had it before where friend A (with the kids) has suggested they should try a restaurant to friend B who wasn't keen. Then when friend B has been with friend C-F and looking for somewhere to eat someone has pointed to the restaurant and the majority decide it's a great idea and B decides to go along with it.
A finds out and is either cross or sad about Her friends now going to a place she previously suggested and was rejected from and then wasn't invited even though she
a. Couldn't make the date
b. Had only suggested it to friend B
c. Friend B had little say in the final decision to go to that restaurant

PWYP76 · 03/01/2022 01:45

"I'm really annoyed that you didn't invite me to something I'd have to turn down"

C'mon. You are being a tiny bit unreasonable!

Yes, it would have been nice for you to be invited, but what would have been the point of you couldn't go?

I don't think it was malicious but I can understand (from your point) why you felt hurt.

WhoAre · 03/01/2022 02:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Londonlassy · 03/01/2022 02:28

OP. I had a friend who was unable to drive. Friend always either expected lifts or outings to be in her area. This got incredible exhausting and frustrating. If you have put this type of expectation on your friends this may be the cause of the lack of an invite?

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 03/01/2022 09:02

@EinsteinaGogo

OP,

you mention you don't drive and it's hard for you to get to places.

Is there anything stopping you from learning / getting a car (genuine question, i know there can be medical / financial issues).

If there aren't any - can you put driving on your list? It's MASSIVELY freeing to be able to get anywhere you want, when you want.

I have learned in the past and I failed my test 4 times 🙈I did really struggle tbh, I was learning/doing tests with babies in the back or while heavily pregnant. I had given up completely of ever being able to drive as the whole experience was so expensive and stressful, however not being able to drive is extremely limiting and living in a semi rural area, the bus service isn’t always the best. I am looking into learning in an automatic which hopefully would be easier.
OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 03/01/2022 09:09

@Londonlassy

OP. I had a friend who was unable to drive. Friend always either expected lifts or outings to be in her area. This got incredible exhausting and frustrating. If you have put this type of expectation on your friends this may be the cause of the lack of an invite?
I do make my own way to places and back again. Very happy to get the bus and meet them wherever we decide. There are of course places that are not accessible on a bus route that I wouldn’t be able to get to but I’ve always made my own way to places.
OP posts:
Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 03/01/2022 09:10

@Londonlassy

OP. I had a friend who was unable to drive. Friend always either expected lifts or outings to be in her area. This got incredible exhausting and frustrating. If you have put this type of expectation on your friends this may be the cause of the lack of an invite?
I wouldn’t expect them to come to me as there’s nothing to do 🙈
OP posts:
DivingOffTheTopDeck · 03/01/2022 09:17

Find friends in numbers OP and don’t invest too much into them. Friends to go out for a drink, coffee with etc. That’s all I find I need. I had a WhatsApp group that wanted high investment and it was exhausting

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 03/01/2022 09:18

@HettieHelvetica

Regarding the sunflower farm, did you "suggest" it, or did you attempt to organise a day? Going back to the emotional energy argument - there's a difference between "I want to go there, someone should organise a day there for the girls and by the way I'll need lifts both ways CPR someone adding an hour each way" and "Shall we go on X day and meet at noon". Apologies if this seems like nitpicking, it's not intended this way, I'm just trying to understand the group dynamics.
I suggested it but didn’t organise the day, one said she was up for going and would love to see them. Another said no way and that it would be too busy. I left it at that until I saw that they all went anyway. I’m probably not the most assertive at organising things and getting everyone to agree on a certain date etc.
OP posts:
DivingOffTheTopDeck · 03/01/2022 09:19

What I mean is they left me out of things yet wanted me to be at their bec and call, you don’t need to be. It took me a long time to realise I was better out of a fake group then in one just for the sake of feeling like I had people

Original poster
TwinkleTwinkleSeren · 03/01/2022 09:21

@DivingOffTheTopDeck

Find friends in numbers OP and don’t invest too much into them. Friends to go out for a drink, coffee with etc. That’s all I find I need. I had a WhatsApp group that wanted high investment and it was exhausting
That’s what I have and I’m lucky to have a number of close friends to meet for lunch, go to the theatre, drinks with etc. They are all separate from each other. The group dynamic can be tricky and exhausting sometimes. With my individual friends, I see them when I see them, we have a lovely time and there is no expectation and no drama x
OP posts:
RedHelenB · 03/01/2022 10:06

@TwinkleTwinkleSeren

I haven’t commented, no. The one I’m closest to in the group commented on my status earlier (just a HNY update) that we “absolutely MUST sort out a catch up very soon”. Sigh 😔 Yes things like this have happened to me my whole life too. I do understand that they probably thought I was busy with family. Only one is married (child free), the others are all single.
If they'd only arranged it last minute would you have been able to go. If the truthful answer is no then put it to the back of your mind. And you arrange a meet up today at a date you can make.