That my friends meet up without me

[TwinkleTwinkleSeren]

Feel childish saying this but yet again I have logged onto Facebook and seen happy photos of my friends on a meet up I knew nothing about. There’s 5 of us in the group, we talk on WhatsApp, go to the theatre for meals etc. Seeing them all together on Facebook today really upset me and has made me feel excluded 😞 I understand that we won’t always meet as a whole group all the time but I was the only one not invited. I am the only one with kids, the rest are child free and do have more freedom to do things at short notice. I am also living much further away than the rest. I have a DS with SN and life can be isolating. I just wish that the invite had been there even if I couldn’t go. Feeling a bit shit now especially as we’d all been talking on WhatsApp this morning. Seeking advice, am I being too sensitive? Please be kind. I suffer from social anxiety, I wish I didn’t care about these things so much 😞

This happened to me a couple of months ago. They all went for a weekend away together. I'm the only one with kids, and oh boy it still stings. Not a mention, not an invitation. We're all really close, too, which was terrible.

Carlyswirly typical reaction from your friend who completely took the piss, I've had this response, it's victim blaming really. How dare you call someone out on their behaviour it pisses me off why can't people hold their hands up and admit they are wrong Instead of turning it tound onto the wronged person

I've had no contact for 4 years with people who did this sort if thing to me, because they went on the defensive when it was mentioned, I don't miss them one bit....they are not friends

A pal of mine always brings her little boy whenever we meet up, either just the two of us or with other friends - I haven't minded, but it does mean literally no one can talk because a) we cannot talk about grown up stuff, or swear b) he wants to be the centre of attention. We all have to listen to him sing, or watch him do a dance.

I also had another friend who always insisted on bringing her boyfriend along to our girls nights out, because he was 'one of the girls only'.....

But these things completely change the dynamics of a meet up.

@Chickenwing2

I would message something like "have I done something wrong?" You will either get an honest answer or they will realise they have excluded you.

Has anyone ever done this, with a successful outcome? Rightly or wrongly, most people wouldn't respond well to this approach

At times, I'm sure all of us have had that horrible feeling of not being invited on a night out / asked to be bridesmaid etc. Yes, it's not nice to realise that you're not as close as you thought. But in this case I suspect it's more because you have children and don't live locally

I wouldn’t message anything negative about it. Maybe something like ‘that looks like a fun night! Let’s arrange a catch up soon’ and then arrange one.

@WineGetsMeThroughIt

This would happen to me quite often in life. I got incredibly down when my NCT group I hung out with all the time met without me and my son. I went back to work before they all did, and as a result I become pushed out of the group. They started doing things together and not inviting me on days I was able to meet up. I decided the stress and anxiety it caused me from being excluded wasn't worth my tears and effort anymore so I stopped trying to keep in touch with them. Never even told them I had a second child until my husband put it on Facebook and then they all tried to get back in touch to see the baby and our new extension. Like fuck off!!

OP - either ask the one you feel closest too about it, or move on. It's not worth the angst

@WineGetsMeThroughIt

It's a shame you took that so personally. I would think NCT groups are friendships of convenience, which naturally come to an end when people return to work, move away etc

@notanothertakeaway

So I did actually, I was part of NCT group. I went back to work and was looked down on because of it, it started subtly then got worse until it got really awkward. Also part of a dreaded whatup group, I said something because the ring leader had done it to one of the other girls previously (knowing this girl had PPD) and effectively got a group mentality of ignore her all else, and was pretty nasty about her (the jealousy was clear). At the time I was super uncomfortable with it and said something gently and got told "I don't have to explain myself to her, I'm the better person, I have a nicer car, house" 😒 basically a word salad with no reason for excluding her . Probably just boredom. That really unsettled me and I just hated being around her after that but I didn't want to lose the other girls in the group so left it putting it down to personality clash. So when it started happened to me i thought no I'm not going to be a wet lettuce anymore and stand up to this women. More for myself than actually expecting a decent response or a change in behaviour.

Anyway I kept the message swift and just left the group. My god it was freeing. Every single one of the group bar the ring leader called me and said how proud they were of me standing up to her and I still see all of them regularly that was my happy ending .

In terms of the ring leader she's started doing it to one of the other girls again, which no one is surprised by . However I didn't go into standing up for myself to expect her to change as a person, anyone who does this purposely to another human is because they get a kick out of excluding others. Why would they change something that makes them feel better about themselves. It says so much more about them than it does the person they are excluding.

I wouldnt bother messaging them at all I'd not bother with them again and if they asked why I'd tell them.

Candlelightatdawn

There's something wrong with people like that, insecurity whatever to go around treating others that way, just plain nasty

@Biscuitsneeded

Look at this from the point of view of those who are single. It's New Year's Day, and they imagine you are having a lovely day with your family. They don't have that, and to avoid spending the day alone they arrange to meet up with other single friends. I am sure there's nothing unkind about it - they just assume you will want to be with your boys today. Just message them and say 'hey, that looked like fun, I really fancy a child-free day so please let me know next time you meet up'.

Good message to send ^

Your not being over sensitive op. It's horrible to be left out of something. I personally wouldn't message them about being left out as you've said yourself the reasons why and its not malicious. If you want to do more with them and feel included I would make more of an effort in the future to arrange stuff for you all to do.

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Honestly, under the circumstances I think YABU.

Your friends are all single, local to each other and commitment free ... you are not, so I wouldn't blame them for not specifically inviting you to what appears to be a last minute meet up. It could have been that a couple of them text each other for a NYD meet up and they messaged the others on the off chance they were free last minute, which they were. Inviting you would have either required a significant change of plans or been inconvenient, and they knew that you would be very unlikely to make it, so decided not to invite you to something they knew you wouldn't be able to attend.

I appreciate that a lot of people would rather be invited, even if they know they can't attend, but sometimes it's just an extra layer of unnecessary "admin" and some people just don't want the polite invite/decline hassle when they're just trying to grab a quick coffee or you have a last minute free afternoon. I have a friend who gets upset when she isn't invited when a group of us go out for coffee but she works 9-5 M-F and the rest of us all have at least one morning or afternoon off every week (shift workers) and most weeks at least 2 or 3 of us mange to meet up for coffee on an adhoc basis. We regularly all get together for lunch/dinner at weekends and go to other events together too, but my 9-5 friend still gets hung up about missing the coffee mornings. There is 100% no chance she would be able to come but still gets annoyed that we don't invite her, but then complains that we don't organise going for coffee when she is available ... but nobody wants to go for coffee at 7am before she starts work and she doesn't ever try to arrange things for when she is available. Agreeing to always invite someone can also mean you sometimes get into that awkward situation where someone turns down 90% of the invitations they receive but still expects to be invited to everything. At what point is it OK to stop inviting someone who rarely accepts your invitation or start being selective and only invite them to some events?

Same thing happen to me just before Xmas. Twats

I think it's really off that they have a separate WhatsApp to exclude you from things. It also sounds like they have form for excluding people. It's no hardship for them to post on the main WhatsApp group and the OP can decline if she can't make it but it does sound like they are going out of their way to exclude her.

Are there some you feel closer to? Maybe just message them one on one to meet for lunch instead. I don't know. They sound like twats to me.

Thanks, I definitely agree that it would become awkward to have to constantly invite a group member out if you knew they couldn’t attend. I guess as we were all chatting the evening before/that morning, it stung. A similar thing happened in the summer where I suggested a visit to a sunflower farm-one of the girls said no way and that it would be far too busy and risky with Covid etc. So I left it at that. A few days later I saw them all over Facebook at the sunflower farm. In the comments and heading they said it was unplanned and that they happened to be passing but it hurt badly. It is so different when you are single and can wake up and do things spontaneously whereas they know I’d have to arrange childcare in advance and can’t get to certain places anyway. It hurts to be the only one left out though.

Well, I would never treat a friend like that. Maybe time to look for nicer friends.

@StrangerThanSpring

I think it's really off that they have a separate WhatsApp to exclude you from things. It also sounds like they have form for excluding people. It's no hardship for them to post on the main WhatsApp group and the OP can decline if she can't make it but it does sound like they are going out of their way to exclude her.

Are there some you feel closer to? Maybe just message them one on one to meet for lunch instead. I don't know. They sound like twats to me.

There’s 3 of them in a separate WhatsApp group - one member started moaning that two of the members were meeting each other all the time and not inviting her so they set up this separate group to “stop her moaning”

@sbhydrogen

This happened to me a couple of months ago. They all went for a weekend away together. I'm the only one with kids, and oh boy it still stings. Not a mention, not an invitation. We're all really close, too, which was terrible.

Oh that sucks 😞That must have really hurt, they should have invited you x

Fucking hell, your last update! Please ditch them, once could be a coincidence but twice when you tried to arrange it with them? No, no, no
You are better than that

It sounds like you are more of a B list friend to them, but the thing with the sunflowers was bloody mean.

Like I said, look for new and better friends locally. I know it's hard but look for ways to expand your social circle.

Ah OP they’re thoughtless at best- but who wants thoughtless friends?! You can bet if you had something exciting going on- access to a nice holiday villa or something they’d be all over you too 🙄 I wouldn’t say anything to them (save your own dignity) but just mute the group and unfollow on Fb- privately establish distance so you can work on some more reliable connections

Op you need to call them out on this. At the VERY least, you need to make them aware you know they had a get together. A quick "like" on FB might suffice. Or a bland comment such as "looks like fun" .
Either way they'll know you know.

Or you could go a step further, but that might end up being uncomfortable and awkward.

Have you any other friends at a similar stage of life as you that you could start hanging out with more?

The sunflower farm update swings it for me. They sound mean!!

@orderagain

Op you need to call them out on this. At the VERY least, you need to make them aware you know they had a get together. A quick "like" on FB might suffice. Or a bland comment such as "looks like fun" . Either way they'll know you know.

Or you could go a step further, but that might end up being uncomfortable and awkward.

Have you any other friends at a similar stage of life as you that you could start hanging out with more?

I do thankfully have other local friends who I meet with our DC or go for coffees/lunches etc. It’s hard for me to socialise properly as my youngest DS is autistic and there’s a lot of places I can’t take him but my local friends are understanding and we do meet up without our DC occasionally too.