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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 15:48

@Offmyfence

So *@user97533676* you can enjoy a night out the OP can't, that's the difference! This situation is not healthy.
I can't enjoy a night out. I said am evening out.

I know OP is different. I didn't say anyone was jealous of OP's situation.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 16:39

@user97533676 so pedantic OP can't enjoy an evening out, the situation is ridiculous and causing the child distress.

I don't believe that breast feeding a 4.5 year old is more important than the child having a relationship with her father, as it is, the father would be extremely restricted when he could have the child.

Enough is enough!

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 16:58

[quote Offmyfence]@user97533676 so pedantic OP can't enjoy an evening out, the situation is ridiculous and causing the child distress.

I don't believe that breast feeding a 4.5 year old is more important than the child having a relationship with her father, as it is, the father would be extremely restricted when he could have the child.

Enough is enough! [/quote]
I missed where she said that. Could you show me.

The child can still have a relationship with their father. The same way my child can have a relationship with their grandmother.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 17:17

@user97533676 she states that the child doesn't go to sleep without a huge effort and tantrum and upset if she doesn't breastfeed to sleep and it was good she went to sleep by midnight (totally unacceptable time for a 4.5 year old). If she is happy out in the evening knowing the distress and anger her child is showing, well fair play to her, not something i could ever have done.

Fathers come way ahead of relationships with grandparents, how often do you see Grandparents getting equal access to the their grandchild as their parent? Fathers rights are far more important.

aSofaNearYou · 07/01/2022 17:22

The child can still have a relationship with their father. The same way my child can have a relationship with their grandmother.

To put what the very pro extended
BF people on here just don't seem to able to accept another way - some of us recognise there are benefits to it but don't think it is anywhere near as important as the child being able to sleep over at their father's house. It just doesn't even come close.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 17:42

[quote Offmyfence]@user97533676 she states that the child doesn't go to sleep without a huge effort and tantrum and upset if she doesn't breastfeed to sleep and it was good she went to sleep by midnight (totally unacceptable time for a 4.5 year old). If she is happy out in the evening knowing the distress and anger her child is showing, well fair play to her, not something i could ever have done.

Fathers come way ahead of relationships with grandparents, how often do you see Grandparents getting equal access to the their grandchild as their parent? Fathers rights are far more important.[/quote]
My child doesn't sleep without breastfeeding either hence I can only go out in the evening.

Who said the father doesnt have a right? He can see dc during the day.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 17:43

@aSofaNearYou

The child can still have a relationship with their father. The same way my child can have a relationship with their grandmother.

To put what the very pro extended
BF people on here just don't seem to able to accept another way - some of us recognise there are benefits to it but don't think it is anywhere near as important as the child being able to sleep over at their father's house. It just doesn't even come close.

To each their own.
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 07/01/2022 17:45

@aSofaNearYou

The child can still have a relationship with their father. The same way my child can have a relationship with their grandmother.

To put what the very pro extended
BF people on here just don't seem to able to accept another way - some of us recognise there are benefits to it but don't think it is anywhere near as important as the child being able to sleep over at their father's house. It just doesn't even come close.

No, it isn't really that. The thing that's needed is to separate the issues

Issue #1. DC won't settle for Daddy. The extended breastfeeding has been labelled by OP's ex as the issue, those who have healthy relationships and breastfeed say no, he just needs to learn to settle with his dad. My DS breastfeeds but will sleep for his daddy. We are together thankfully, but if we weren't then DS would want to spend time with Daddy and would be fine having hugs to sleep, just the same as if I went out.

Now to issue #2, OP separately has some issues with the DC throwing aggressive tantrums at the word "No". We don't know how many situations that occur in, but it occurs with breastfeeding. So, OP needs to work out how to deal with those tantrums, which certainly shouldn't be giving in and breastfeeding if that's what caused the tantrum.

aSofaNearYou · 07/01/2022 17:54

*Issue #1. DC won't settle for Daddy. The extended breastfeeding has been labelled by OP's ex as the issue, those who have healthy relationships and breastfeed say no, he just needs to learn to settle with his dad. My DS breastfeeds but will sleep for his daddy. We are together thankfully, but if we weren't then DS would want to spend time with Daddy and would be fine having hugs to sleep, just the same as if I went out.

Now to issue #2, OP separately has some issues with the DC throwing aggressive tantrums at the word "No". We don't know how many situations that occur in, but it occurs with breastfeeding. So, OP needs to work out how to deal with those tantrums, which certainly shouldn't be giving in and breastfeeding if that's what caused the tantrum.*

But all if that is really just excuses centred around avoidig stopping breastfeeding.

It's not really that complicated. The child has really bad behaviour around breastfeeding, and will need to stop at some point soon anyway due to their age. In other circumstances we don't say "well they're tantrumming about X, but the answer absolutely isn't removing X, we must do everything to preserve that whilst swerving the fact that that's what's causing the issue". They're tantrumming over the milk. It's not illogical to remove it.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 07/01/2022 18:03

I'm not disagreeing with that opinion @aSofaNearYou, if it was my DC then no way would I put up with that behaviour. The other issue of settling for Daddy still needs to be handled however, my point (and that of some others) is that there needs to be recognition that here are two separate issues to handle. Conflating them won't help.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 18:05

My child doesn't sleep without breastfeeding either hence I can only go out in the evening.

So they use you like a human dummy then?

aSofaNearYou · 07/01/2022 18:12

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

I'm not disagreeing with that opinion *@aSofaNearYou*, if it was my DC then no way would I put up with that behaviour. The other issue of settling for Daddy still needs to be handled however, my point (and that of some others) is that there needs to be recognition that here are two separate issues to handle. Conflating them won't help.
I don't think this is conflating issues at all. The child has separation anxiety and problems with tantrumming, but at the end of the day, they are tantrumming about wanting milk. It's inherently linked.
Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 18:14

I don't think this is conflating issues at all. The child has separation anxiety and problems with tantrumming, but at the end of the day, they are tantrumming about wanting milk. It's inherently linked.

Exactly!

PinkSyCo · 07/01/2022 19:37

Someone repeatedly commenting about what another woman does with her breast milk to her child screams jealousy.

This is the most absurd and childish argument! If I had wanted to infantilise my children I could and would have breastfed them for years longer than was necessary.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 19:38

@PinkSyCo

Someone repeatedly commenting about what another woman does with her breast milk to her child screams jealousy.

This is the most absurd and childish argument! If I had wanted to infantilise my children I could and would have breastfed them for years longer than was necessary.

💯
bluemondae · 07/01/2022 19:49

Why do you keep referring to your son as them ? Generally interested.

Veryverycalmnow · 07/01/2022 19:52

YANBU. Don't stop by until your son and you are ready. Night feeds were the last to go here. Don't let your ex pressure you

Veryverycalmnow · 07/01/2022 20:10

@Offmyfence

My child doesn't sleep without breastfeeding either hence I can only go out in the evening.

So they use you like a human dummy then?

I don't like this argument- humans and breasts were around long before dummies.
Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 20:13

@Veryverycalmnow so breasts were the precursor to dummies...... then they invented a replacement to give the mother some freedom.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 20:13

@Veryverycalmnow

YANBU. Don't stop by until your son and you are ready. Night feeds were the last to go here. Don't let your ex pressure you
It's a daughter
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 20:44

@Offmyfence

My child doesn't sleep without breastfeeding either hence I can only go out in the evening.

So they use you like a human dummy then?

What do you understand about the invention of the dummy?
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 20:46

@PinkSyCo

Someone repeatedly commenting about what another woman does with her breast milk to her child screams jealousy.

This is the most absurd and childish argument! If I had wanted to infantilise my children I could and would have breastfed them for years longer than was necessary.

Reporting akk these dangerous anti breastfeeding posts.

No wonder our rates our so low.

Infantilising my toddler because they want to breastfeed and are set to wean at the natural age? Disgusting.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 20:47

[quote Offmyfence]@Veryverycalmnow so breasts were the precursor to dummies...... then they invented a replacement to give the mother some freedom. [/quote]
To free the mother? What a silly term.

VelvetChairGirl · 07/01/2022 21:07

"Way past which weaning age?"

weening age onto food, they dont need it once they can eat properly.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 21:08

@user97533676 why's that a silly term? I get you are pro very extended breast feeding to not have to deal with sleep issues etc, but why so derogatory about the facts?

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