No more staying at my ex house

[Nomoresleepovers]

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

Yet again, plenty of families do extended BFing but both parents put the DC to bed. Toddlers can understand that dads don't have breasts, so can't BF them.

I imagine toddlers can understand this, if they’re exposed to the idea from a young age. But this child is 4.5 years old for crying out loud, and from what I can gather has never had anything other than mummy giving in to increasingly violent demands for access to her boobs and so the constant giving in has reinforced the idea that tantrums get results, and the sudden introduction of staying at the father’s house has caused chaos.

It’s a total bloody mess and to me sounds really, really unhealthy.

The kid needs to be weaned. As I see it, it’s as simple as that.

"I have dyslexia and my child's actually a girl."

they scream, cry shout, kick punch slam doors , hurt the cats destroy the room, try to leave the flat

There appears to be a lot going on here. Maybe seek help from a professional(s)

as many agree with me as agree with you

And how many of them have any experience of extended BFing? Have they read hundreds of studies about BFing? Have they worked with BFing mothers? Have they had any training about BFing?

Or are they uninformed and basing their opinions on the sexist, anti-BFing culture we live in?

@christmascharade

as many agree with me as agree with you

And how many of them have any experience of extended BFing? Have they read hundreds of studies about BFing? Have they worked with BFing mothers? Have they had any training about BFing?

Or are they uninformed and basing their opinions on the sexist, anti-BFing culture we live in?

Ok dear. You know more than anyone else in the world and only you are qualified to comment.

@christmascharade you were lucky to even have a health visitor to come round at 18 months , didn't see mine from when mine were 9 months onwards
The behaviour issues here are more concerning that breastfeeding at 4:5!- child shouldn't be hurting animals ,violently grabbing clothes etc , that isn't standard behaviour and op maybe needs more specialist help and advice rather than just what people on here do or don't or peoples views on breasfeeding

@christmascharade it’s a bit odd how invested you are in this thread. I think people should bf for as long as it’s healthy for the child, but the child’s reaction to mum saying no to breastfeeding demonstrates that this is no longer healthy for them.

@Nomoresleepovers

I don't think my son is ready to completely stop they get almost violent pulling at me or waiting for me to go to sleep then tugging at my top to breastfeed, I do think establishing that their dad does not breastfeed is better and when they stay there I'm not there.

I think my ex doesn't want the trouble and just wants our son without the hard bits of being upset and yes no one wants their child to be upset but that is a part of life.

Really? Almost violent? I'm at a loss here. Reading between the lines it looks to me as if breastfeeding a child at this age is a sort of weapon for you to use against your ex OP.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@christmascharade you were lucky to even have a health visitor to come round at 18 months , didn't see mine from when mine were 9 months onwards
The behaviour issues here are more concerning that breastfeeding at 4:5!- child shouldn't be hurting animals ,violently grabbing clothes etc , that isn't standard behaviour and op maybe needs more specialist help and advice rather than just what people on here do or don't or peoples views on breasfeeding
[/quote]
I know!

It was only as we moved town though, and they wanted to check us out, I think. When I later had DD in the same town, they didn't come round beyond a couple of weeks.

On the HV front, my child was born in lockdown #1, and I’ve never spoken to, let alone met a health visitor. They were furloughed! Only us new mothers weren’t told that so repeated attempts to ask for help went unanswered. Great huh?

Anyway, that’s an aside. This all sounds really, really unhealthy. I think total weaning is the only option. The child is at school, for Christ’s sake. Any ‘benefit’ to the child has got to be minimal by now anyway, surely? Break the cycle.

As hard as it may be, you'll have to decide one night to say milk is gone. Put the cat up and anything else and ride out the trantrums.
Subtitute a lovey of some sort and work on a new routine. Bed time story, cuddle and lovey. Get one of those misters and put some lavender oil in it of course somewhere where it can't be grabbed and knocked over and turned off when you leave the room. Be strict with the bedtime and routine so he'll know what to expect.

It might be hell for a few nights but it'll stop.
Every time you give in you are training him that if he trantrums and is violent enough, he'll get his way.

[quote Thesearmsofmine]@christmascharade it’s a bit odd how invested you are in this thread. I think people should bf for as long as it’s healthy for the child, but the child’s reaction to mum saying no to breastfeeding demonstrates that this is no longer healthy for them.[/quote]
This!

@Ileflottante

Yet again, plenty of families do extended BFing but both parents put the DC to bed. Toddlers can understand that dads don't have breasts, so can't BF them.

I imagine toddlers can understand this, if they’re exposed to the idea from a young age. But this child is 4.5 years old for crying out loud, and from what I can gather has never had anything other than mummy giving in to increasingly violent demands for access to her boobs and so the constant giving in has reinforced the idea that tantrums get results, and the sudden introduction of staying at the father’s house has caused chaos.

It’s a total bloody mess and to me sounds really, really unhealthy.

The kid needs to be weaned. As I see it, it’s as simple as that.

This. 4 and a half is too old to be bf, he's going to get bullied at school for starters, and the family dynamic seems really unhealthy. Wean him off for both your sakes

You have given your child no tools or preparation to self soothe to sleep so how do you expect them too?? I’m firmly in the breast is best camp but frankly considering he’s most likely already been at school for half a year it’s odd that he still breast feeds at all let alone HAS to in order to fall asleep. It’s not being kind to not teach your child to self soothe it’s actually not helpful to them at all, if I were your ex I’d be asking myself if I thought you have done this more for you than your child? Do you prefer him to still be totally reliant on you like this? It’s unkind to then expect daddy to deal with his upset when you remove yourself.

Ignore the negative posts here OP you sound like a really responsive emotionally warm parent to me whose child is very securely attached to. The fact you are bailing out the incompetent father who can’t regulate the child’s emotions at bedtime is also evidence of this. Sorry you are in this position sounds like a nightmare.

I long term bf, but mostly because it was habit and frankly easier to get them to sleep etc. Both my stopped before they went to school and I just had to learn other techniques to settle them.

I was a walking dummy, a pacifer.

You need to do the work and get him over this difficult stage, and I can understand your exes anger, their father is being set up to fail

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

Well I don't disagree with you but you also should have done this. You took the easy way out by breastfeeding when you'd agreed not to because you didn't want to deal with the hard parenting of getting him to sleep without it. So bit hypocritical.

It will be better fir your son to go cold turkey so send him and dont go, i know it is hard but it is best in the long for everyone concerned.

OP you sound like a really responsive emotionally warm parent to me whose child is very securely attached to. The fact you are bailing out the incompetent father who can’t regulate the child’s emotions at bedtime is also evidence of this.

Woah, the ONLY reason op is STILL bf is because SHE hasn't been able to regulate the child's emotions at bedtime WITHOUT bf.
I'm a huge, huge advocate of bf and fed my own for 13m each time. But 4.5 years is INCREDIBLY unusual, and I wonder about the benefits of extended bf vs the difficulties op and her ex are both now facing, as well as the dc?

@Lennon80

Ignore the negative posts here OP you sound like a really responsive emotionally warm parent to me whose child is very securely attached to. The fact you are bailing out the incompetent father who can’t regulate the child’s emotions at bedtime is also evidence of this. Sorry you are in this position sounds like a nightmare.

Sorry but meltdowns, violence towards said parent and animal abuse does not scream secure attachment to me

@Lennon80

Ignore the negative posts here OP you sound like a really responsive emotionally warm parent to me whose child is very securely attached to. The fact you are bailing out the incompetent father who can’t regulate the child’s emotions at bedtime is also evidence of this. Sorry you are in this position sounds like a nightmare.

Yes the child being violent is a great example of secure attachment!

What utter rubbish, the child is clearly very unhappy.

What from the OPs posts makes you think "secure attachment"?

@Fuuuuuckit

OP you sound like a really responsive emotionally warm parent to me whose child is very securely attached to. The fact you are bailing out the incompetent father who can’t regulate the child’s emotions at bedtime is also evidence of this.

Woah, the ONLY reason op is STILL bf is because SHE hasn't been able to regulate the child's emotions at bedtime WITHOUT bf.
I'm a huge, huge advocate of bf and fed my own for 13m each time. But 4.5 years is INCREDIBLY unusual, and I wonder about the benefits of extended bf vs the difficulties op and her ex are both now facing, as well as the dc?

It’s not ‘incredibly unusual’ globally. It’s cultural why you think this. Showing independence at 4 years old is not a sign of good attachment contrary to what you may think.

It’s not ‘incredibly unusual’ globally. It’s cultural why you think this. Showing independence at 4 years old is not a sign of good attachment contrary to what you may think.

Nor do meltdowns and violence. There are an awful lot of people who feel strongly about attachment parenting that fail to recognise that there ARE actually valid counterarguments and times where their approach isn't automatically good thing.

@christmascharade

as many agree with me as agree with you

And how many of them have any experience of extended BFing? Have they read hundreds of studies about BFing? Have they worked with BFing mothers? Have they had any training about BFing?

Or are they uninformed and basing their opinions on the sexist, anti-BFing culture we live in?

I have. I've extended breastfed a large family, socialised for many years in groups where extended breastfeeding was very common. I trained in breastfeeding support, and yep, read hundreds of studies, and I'm qualified to do that as well, having trained in health research. And I agree with the others on here who say that this situation is concerning and that breastfeeding is probably adding to the problems here.

DivorcedAndDelighted would you not agree, that the tantrums are concerning in themselves, regardless of whether the mother is BFing?

And that people (the public but also professionals) very often tend to jump to blaming BFing in the first instance, for all sorts of problems, or even for things that aren't even problems.

Baby sleeping too little? Mothers are told to try cutting out BFing. Baby sleeping too much? Try cutting out BFing. Baby on the large side? Try cutting out BFing. Baby small? Try cutting out BFing. Mother at the end of her tether? Try cutting out BFing.

Similar happens to mothers of DC with SEN. The DC's behaviours caused by their SEN are often blamed on parenting for a long time before any support with SEN is suggested / forthcoming.

Surely, if you are so familiar with BFing support, you'd agree that we don't have enough information here to form a decent picture of what's going on? The OP has focused on BFing as the ex has, and she's obviously been made to feel she's doing something wrong here so there's plenty of guilt involved.

(I noticed that the OP hasn't said if she WANTS to wean or not, but she has said it is her plan.)

But, she's outlined that she's ALREADY cutting down on BFing, but had a spanner in the works by a temporary situation involving a poorly relative, which has meant she's had to bedshare for a few weeks.

She also outlined how she is trying to deal with the trantums and it was all standard stuff.

Are you saying you think the OP should carry on trying to night wean while bedsharing on a temporary basis? Fuck that for a laugh! Weaning while bedsharing is tough if you're the one with the boobs, with no boobless person to back you up! Waiting a few short weeks for her DC to be back in their own bed before continuing weaning sounds sensible to me.

Why are you joining this chorus of people bashing the OP over the head with a stick about ending BFing, instead of being a bit more sensitive and evidence-based?

Perhaps trying to find out if there are other issue at play here, for example, rather than blaming the BFing on the basis of such scant information? How do you know the tantrums aren't down to SEN or trauma, for example? Would cutting out BFing help if these were the cause? I doubt it.

You provide him with something irreplaceable and something dad literally cannot replicate, that comforts him and soothes him to sleep. And you want to send him to dad's without it. You're literally setting them up to fail. I have zero problems with later breastfeeding but in this case, he has to be comforted by something else. Something else that daddy can use too.