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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more staying at my ex house

352 replies

Nomoresleepovers · 01/01/2022 17:01

Me and my ex share custody of our 4 1/2 year old son. His house is a 1 hour train ride away so to settle our son in I have stayed over for probably a total of 10 days? For the last 3 months to help settle our son in to sleep over by themselves. (The reason for the settling is that we had been separated for two years and our son had never spent the night alone with them plus they used to live much further away so visitation was infrequent/COVID travel restrictions are strict in our country)

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know) but I have been working on this. At Christmas they had their first "Big Boy" sleepover and although they went to bed late and threw tantrums they did get to sleep for both the nights by midnight. I have praised my son greatly etc however because I have had family visiting who are unwell and have mental health issues and I live in a small flat I have not forced my son not to breastfeed to sleep between the 26th to now I did not offer etc (family members left 1 day ago) as it would have been detrimental to family members health.

I have taken steps to ease my Ds off breastfeeding such as wearing tight tops to bed strict bed times, warm milk before bed and now my family member has left their bed will be moved back into our room so no more co sleeping.

My ex is angry at me for not continuing the no breastfeeding and is meant to have them again soon for a sleepover but is asking me to come stay over for the 2-3 nights to "help build the child's confidence back up".

AIBU that it is better for our child to go stay without me and that my ex has to deal with it like any parent or grandparent would and it would actually help the child stop needing the comfort before bed?

I would like to say my ex isn't a bad father and does care greatly for our child but they are more of a Disney dad and expects me to do all the hard stuff.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 08:30

*would you not agree, that the tantrums are concerning in themselves, regardless of whether the mother is BFing?

And that people (the public but also professionals) very often tend to jump to blaming BFing in the first instance, for all sorts of problems, or even for things that aren't even problems.*

God, people who feel strongly about breast feeding really have a bee in their bonnets about their perception that other people hate breastfeeding and are out to spoil it for them.

No doubt some people do do the things you've described here, but I certainly very rarely see it. This thread isn't full of people with the secret agenda to just get people breastfeeding less.

I don't blame breastfeeding for anything here, but in light of how wanting it is making the child behave and the fact that that child would benefit more from being comfortable at their father's house, it's in their interests for it to stop. I don't have a vendetta against breastfeeding, and I doubt many others on here do either.

IamnotSethRogan · 04/01/2022 08:40

--:34Cocomarine

RussianSpy101

How can he settle his own child when the child wants a breastfeed because that’s what he’s had every single night with his mum for 4.5 years? Ridicukous

Read my posts. My child got used to the breastfeed / no breastfeed nights younger, because I worked away regularly. But children are not stupid. Plenty of young children have shift worker parents, or spend regular time with an extended family member. These children can cope with different routines. OP breastfeeding her child is not what is stopping this boy from settling for his father. What’s stopping him, is that for 2 years he hasn’t been doing overnights, and this is all just new to him. Just like a grandparent sleepover, he just needs dad to be loving, reassuring, and step up in building his own sleep routine--

I've read your posts but have you read the ops ? Your child may have been fine with not being bf some nights but OPs clearly isn't.

op at 4, I think more work needs to be done about this level of tantruming when not getting their own way

Lennon80 · 04/01/2022 09:24

Totally agree. Most children tantrum and if there is some delay or SEN that often happens much later. Someone who claims to familiar with BF support would not actually see BF as root of the problem, which it clearly isn’t. The child is reacting to separation from mum with a father who sounds incompetent which the child picks up on.

Offmyfence · 04/01/2022 09:33

@Lennon80

Totally agree. Most children tantrum and if there is some delay or SEN that often happens much later. Someone who claims to familiar with BF support would not actually see BF as root of the problem, which it clearly isn’t. The child is reacting to separation from mum with a father who sounds incompetent which the child picks up on.
but the OP said

It doesn't help that our room shares a wall with next doors bedroom so I worry about how extreme their tantrums are which get worse the more tired they are, they scream, cry shout, kick punch slam doors , hurt the cats destroy the room, try to leave the flat, try to move my clothes while I'm sleeping.
From the sound of what his father said the sleepover wasn't as bad

So it was actually better at the fathers, so your analogy of it being separation anxiety doesn't sound correct as she tantrums like this when OP is with her. She is better at her fathers.

christmascharade · 04/01/2022 12:57

@aSofaNearYou

*would you not agree, that the tantrums are concerning in themselves, regardless of whether the mother is BFing?

And that people (the public but also professionals) very often tend to jump to blaming BFing in the first instance, for all sorts of problems, or even for things that aren't even problems.*

God, people who feel strongly about breast feeding really have a bee in their bonnets about their perception that other people hate breastfeeding and are out to spoil it for them.

No doubt some people do do the things you've described here, but I certainly very rarely see it. This thread isn't full of people with the secret agenda to just get people breastfeeding less.

I don't blame breastfeeding for anything here, but in light of how wanting it is making the child behave and the fact that that child would benefit more from being comfortable at their father's house, it's in their interests for it to stop. I don't have a vendetta against breastfeeding, and I doubt many others on here do either.

I find this post very odd.

You position yourself as a BFing expert, yet seem unaware of the common UK cultural influences around BFing.

The UK has a very poor BFing record compared to most other countries, why do you think this is?

I don't think anyone hates BFing particularly, nor do I think they have an agenda to spoil it for others. But the reality is we live in a country with very poor attitudes towards BFing and very little understanding of the benefits of BFing an older child.

Try BFing a talkative 2 year old in public (the recommended MINIMUM age to aim for BFing according to the WHO) and see what kind of reaction you get. Not that I'm saying everyone should BF their 2 years olds - families need to do what works for them - but the UK public are not comfortable with the idea of BFing toddlers.

If you haven't noticed this I don't know what to say!

Maybe go talk to some extended BFers, ask them how much pressure they get to stop BFing. Find out how many mothers BF in private - even with young babies - as they feel judged doing it in public.

Speak to mothers about why they stopped BFing DC of any age, you'll find loads did because of family, friends or professionals suggesting they stop when they hit any kind of issue, rather than supporting them to find the solution to that issue.

The OP has had loads of anti-extended-BFing abuse on this thread, with people calling extended BFing weird and telling her she shouldn't be BFing a school age child. That's pure ignorance and nothing to do with her individual situation. Two of the worst have been deleted, but there's plenty still here, do you not see it?

aSofaNearYou · 04/01/2022 13:25

@christmascharade I don't position myself as a BF expert, that was part of my point. Most people on here don't have an anti BF agenda. I recognise the benefits of BF but it isn't as high on my priorities as the child learning essential emotional regulation, or being able to adapt to two different households when they have seperated parents.

I don't disagree that there have been some comments about it being weird, I've seen them and I don't agree with them. But most are not saying that and aren't coming from an an anti BF angle, they're not saying to stop just because it's weird, they're saying to stop because of the negative consequences in these specific circumstances.

Lennon80 · 04/01/2022 21:41

So nothing to do with breastfeeding then?

Lennon80 · 04/01/2022 21:42

‘ Offmyfence’ as you said the kid tantrums anyway

Offmyfence · 05/01/2022 06:23

@Lennon80

‘ Offmyfence’ as you said the kid tantrums anyway
Yes she tantrums when she is refused Brest feeding!

Of course it's to do with that!

You can try all you want to say it's not connected, but it is! She closes at her mothers top, hurts animals when she's refused breastfeeding.

Maybe she does tantrum at other tones, but the OP has made this post about BF and how her child reacts when she can't get it.

Offmyfence · 05/01/2022 06:24

*claws

ivykaty44 · 05/01/2022 06:30

You not being there will make it easier for you ds to adjust

Your ds is now familiar with his dads place, has slept multiple times and they just need to get on with it

Suggest he takes him swimming and to the park etc in the afternoon and that should suitably wear him out

Hot milky drink at bedtime and a story

ManicPixie · 05/01/2022 06:33

Regardless of how long mothers should BF, 4.5 is really old for it to still be a ‘violent tantrum’ raising issue. This should have been nipped in the bud, no pun intended, a long time ago.

gamerchick · 05/01/2022 06:37

Ah crap OP, sorry you got so much aggro from weirdos on your thread. People are so interested in women's tits aren't they? Hmm creepy as fuck.

Your ex needs to be a dad and not expect you to stay over. I fed mine till 3 1/2 and he just had to put up with the odd night or 2 when I wasn't around overnight. It's not so much as a tie as when they're tiny. It's work for the other parent to find other methods to soothe and pretty much sounds like he can't be bothered.

Offmyfence · 05/01/2022 07:12

@gamerchick

Ah crap OP, sorry you got so much aggro from weirdos on your thread. People are so interested in women's tits aren't they? Hmm creepy as fuck.

Your ex needs to be a dad and not expect you to stay over. I fed mine till 3 1/2 and he just had to put up with the odd night or 2 when I wasn't around overnight. It's not so much as a tie as when they're tiny. It's work for the other parent to find other methods to soothe and pretty much sounds like he can't be bothered.

What a.n extremely strange first paragraph!

You do realise that the problem doesn't just exist at the fathers house, this child's tantrums around breastfeeding (or lack of it), cause an extreme violent reaction.

Do you honestly think the DM continuing to breast feed is providing an independence due to feeling loved etc? Is this child displaying confidence and independence?

Because it seems to me that the mother is feeding, purely to stop the extreme tantrums. She explains that she's concerned that when she says no. It's going to lead to a violent tantrum that is going to disturb the neighbours.

By the way I'm not interested in this woman's tits, I'm looking at a child that is clearly very upset at an ongoing situation and how is best to manage it. Is it best to start saying no, is it best to go cold turkey, is it best to continue and hope the demands soon stop? The DM does seem like she wants to stop (which she's entitled to do) as she talks about trying to get them to self settle. As she is co parenting she and the DF need to decide how is best to handle this huge issue. It's clear from the posts that this is not just a demanding child, it's a child that showing violence to people and animals when she can't have the breast. At what age is this totally unacceptable? Because at 4.5 she should be able to rationalise and accept and not be hurting animals.

There is a lot going on here.

christmascharade · 05/01/2022 14:55

@ivykaty44

You not being there will make it easier for you ds to adjust

Your ds is now familiar with his dads place, has slept multiple times and they just need to get on with it

Suggest he takes him swimming and to the park etc in the afternoon and that should suitably wear him out

Hot milky drink at bedtime and a story

What level headed, sensible advice.
Offmyfence · 05/01/2022 18:56

@christmascharade and don't get any pets for the child to hurt!

user97533676 · 06/01/2022 15:27

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know)

Why isn't it great? It's amazing.

Ex cannot and should not try to prevent breastfeeding.

If dc hasn't spent that much time alone with their df perhaps it's too soon for overnights?

PinkSyCo · 06/01/2022 15:48

Why isn't it great? It's amazing.

A school age child using their mum as a dummy to sleep is NOT amazing. Would you be saying the same if he needed an actual dummy in order to sleep?

Offmyfence · 06/01/2022 16:44

@user97533676

The problem is that our son still breastfeeds to sleep (not great I know)

Why isn't it great? It's amazing.

Ex cannot and should not try to prevent breastfeeding.

If dc hasn't spent that much time alone with their df perhaps it's too soon for overnights?

Have you read the OPs posts?

Nothing great about this scenario, if OP dares to say no, the cat gets hurt, the doors slammed, the OP is clawed, the child tries to leave the house.

And that's great...

Newnamefor2022 · 06/01/2022 18:47

@Nomoresleepovers

I don't think my son is ready to completely stop they get almost violent pulling at me or waiting for me to go to sleep then tugging at my top to breastfeed, I do think establishing that their dad does not breastfeed is better and when they stay there I'm not there.

I think my ex doesn't want the trouble and just wants our son without the hard bits of being upset and yes no one wants their child to be upset but that is a part of life.

Rewarding that sort of behaviour from your son sounds... unwise.
user97533676 · 07/01/2022 00:24

@PinkSyCo

Why isn't it great? It's amazing.

A school age child using their mum as a dummy to sleep is NOT amazing. Would you be saying the same if he needed an actual dummy in order to sleep?

You can't use someone as a dummy. A dummy is a man made item intended to replicate the nipple.

My dc 3.5 breastfeeds also. No using about it.

user97533676 · 07/01/2022 00:24

*Have you read the OPs posts?

Nothing great about this scenario, if OP dares to say no, the cat gets hurt, the doors slammed, the OP is clawed, the child tries to leave the house.

And that's great...*

Read again. I said it's great that they are breastfeeding at that age.

PinkSyCo · 07/01/2022 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Offmyfence · 07/01/2022 06:41

@user97533676

*Have you read the OPs posts?

Nothing great about this scenario, if OP dares to say no, the cat gets hurt, the doors slammed, the OP is clawed, the child tries to leave the house.

And that's great...*

Read again. I said it's great that they are breastfeeding at that age.

Read again ... it's causing issues in the OPs and DCs life.

Not a great thing at all.

leatherboundbooks · 07/01/2022 06:53

PinkySyCo left to themselves without any societal pressure all children wean when they are ready. My own youngest child nursed for much longer and she was my most independent child. It did not stunt her growth at all and was the child happiest to go off and do things without me. Not one set of grandparents though, they were not particularly child friendly. And that was fine. It's about the child feeling secure and nothing to do with whether she was breastfeeding still. When she weaned herself she still didn't want to. My other child was weaned at 3.5 and didn't want to go there on own, and in fact didn't want to stay away from home until around 9. Breastfeeding had nothing to do with it. Both children could go to bed as older children still breastfeeding if I was out for the evening
OPs child would be best seeing the father daytimes only until it feels happy there, Breastfeeding doesn't come into it really
It's neither kind nor helpful or accurateto the OP to describe her as selfish for wanting to do what she feels is best for her child. You have no experience of breastfeeding an older child, and are being hurtful

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