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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed at her as well?

128 replies

HunterJay · 01/01/2022 11:57

I know it's their Dad I should be pissed off at but how much should you expect from your child's step mother? I can't help but be pissed at her as well sometimes.

Basically DCs Dad doesn't really do anything with them. He does basic parenting but that's about it. I'm the one who goes to the effort of doing all the extra with them.

They have a half sibling at their dad's house with their step mother. They do love their brother but it's becoming clear that their brother is treated better at that house. I actually don't at all think it's by their Dad. I imagine (and can tell from various things) that it's his wife that does everything with their son too.

But things like she'll throw a big extravagant party for his birthday whereas they do nothing really bar a takeaway or something small for our DC. I understand that their Dad is likely doing nothing for their son's birthday and it'll all be her arranging it but still, I can tell it upsets DC. They don't really know the difference between their SM paying for and arranging these things, they just see it as Dad's house doing this for their brother and not them. Would it really be too much for her to just take over making a bit of extra effort for our DC when they are there too? I know it should be their Dad but if he won't?

They've come home a few times now saying their brother wasn't there because he was out at X great place with his Mum and her family and our DC have just stayed home with Dad.

Shouldn't she be treating them a bit more the same when they are there or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 01/01/2022 12:01

She might be trying to strike a balance, giving your kids time alone with their dad.

I say that as this sounds very much like the mum's version of a stepmum thread on here recently. In that the dad never ever wanted to do any at all with the child he had with second wife in case his first family kids were upset by it. He extended this to her not being able to do anything alone with her child.

From the outside it sounds like something that could be better understood by all with a conversation. But, as nobody outside knows what the adult relationships are like that is often useless advice!

PinkButtercups · 01/01/2022 12:03

No, they should be treated the same way.
Obviously the son and his mother are going to have time to themselves etc.

But regarding the parties your ex needs to pull his fingers out his arse and step up and be the parent your children need.

The responsibility for the parties doesn't fall on her but if it were me I'd treat them the exact same.

I can understand why you're hurt but it's the father mainly that needs a good head wobble.

Bonheurdupasse · 01/01/2022 12:03

The problem is if she did stuff with them you’d say that she’s overstepping.
You only have a problem now that she has her own child which she treats as she should.
Your children should be treated well by their parents - do you do stuff with them yourself?
Why do you put it on her??

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 01/01/2022 12:05

Yeah sorry but I think you are expecting too much. Sadly you had children with someone who sounds like a waste of space and I don’t think it’s another woman’s job to compensate for that and take in extra wifework because he’s too lazy.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/01/2022 12:06

In answer to your question, no I don’t think you should be pissed off with her too. As you know, your DC are not her responsibility. They are his. I am sorry they feel they are treated differently - but it is on him to ensure this doesn’t happen isn’t it. On another thread she would potentially be over stepping or interfering - she can’t win.

WayneBruce · 01/01/2022 12:07

So you want your kids to have 2 extravagant birthdays, the one you do, then the one the SM organises? That sounds weird.

Haus1234 · 01/01/2022 12:07

Sorry but gently YABU and expecting too much. Their brother has two parents including a lazy dad and his mum organises nice things for him. Your kids have two parents and a lazy dad so if you want nice things for them you will have to do the organising.

Original poster
HunterJay · 01/01/2022 12:07

@Bonheurdupasse

The problem is if she did stuff with them you’d say that she’s overstepping. You only have a problem now that she has her own child which she treats as she should. Your children should be treated well by their parents - do you do stuff with them yourself? Why do you put it on her??
I actually wouldn't to be fair. This is part of the problem I think. She used to do loads with them, she was very involved and it's like she just doesn't care since she had her son and the kids notice.

She'd never throw them parties and things but she definitely used to go out of her way to try and make their time there fun, taking them places, planning activities for them to do, just generally taking an interest. We even used to speak a lot.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/01/2022 12:07

I know it should be their Dad but if he won't?

Then the kids drew the short straw in the Dad stakes I'm afraid.

For all you know she might've given up nagging him to do more stuff with his/your kids, and has now resigned herself to at least no letting it affect her child.

In much the same was as it sounds like you have.

grapewine · 01/01/2022 12:08

It's on him. Maybe she is worried to be told she's overstepping.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 01/01/2022 12:09

Are you gonna start doing stuff for her kids too or do you want your kids to have three parents while hers just have two?

If you want your kids to have extravagant parties then plan them. Like their siblings mum does. All the kids have a shit dad. So it's really just a comparison of mums.

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/01/2022 12:10

As a SM here (of now adult DSC), could she realistically organise an ‘extravagant party’ for them. Would she have the contact details for all their school friends etc? Would she have then been accused of over stepping the mark as its mums job to organise parties for her own kid. Honestly step mums can NEVER win.

My family wouldn’t always include the step kids when booking expensive tickets because we never knew from one week to the next if mum would decide they had something else on that week and we would lose money. If it was just going out for a meal or something and they were here then they absolutely would be included.

I would take my DSD to dance class religiously (and finance it from our joint finances) but they get told to remove her photos from my Facebook page as I didn’t have the right to share them as she wasn’t my child.

Original poster
HunterJay · 01/01/2022 12:10

@WayneBruce

So you want your kids to have 2 extravagant birthdays, the one you do, then the one the SM organises? That sounds weird.
No not necessarily. But they don't do anything for it at their Dad's, maybe a takeaway at most. Whereas they get their son a big cake, balloons ect for at home and nothing for ours?
OP posts:
WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 01/01/2022 12:10

Maybe with the arrival of her own child she’s also starting to realise that she married someone who doesn’t step up. He’s your ex for a reason and there’s nothing to say he’s a better husband to her so you just don’t know where she is in the relationship now. She may be questioning her own relationship with him which would naturally impact her relationship with your children.

Ponoka7 · 01/01/2022 12:10

Do you tell him that he should be putting more effort in, or would it be pointless? My DD has given up with her ex. She certainly shouldn't have to give doing anything up with her family and it makes sense if she is giving them space, but Ideally there should be quality sibling contact. What's the age difference? But either way, it should be him, but you'd hope that she thought enough of them to do something with them. Their relationship might be breaking down for all you know.

Original poster
HunterJay · 01/01/2022 12:11

Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it.

OP posts:
vodkaginwine · 01/01/2022 12:11

But surely they’re having the big parties and special days out with your side of the family on their weekends with you, are they not? I find it odd that the step mum should take your child out with her own family/parents. That’s down to your ex to do. Solely for him to sort and arrange special days. Perhaps the step mum has had enough of the man child and is putting her needs and that of her children first. Not as a dig to you, but as a ‘he can sort his stuff for once’. If she is the main one responsible for organising everything in the house, by the sounds of it, he’s useless, then no I don’t think she should go further in enabling the ex’s incompetence at parenting.

Ponoka7 · 01/01/2022 12:12

Would posters on here honestly not even bother with a balloon/banner for their close child relatives?

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/01/2022 12:12

Oh and as someone else said, as a SM I was not going to let my own child miss out on things because his dad didn’t organise stuff for any of the kids, they also had a mum who could organise stuff if she wanted. My own kids didn’t have anyone else other than me.

Xmasiscancelledagain · 01/01/2022 12:13

It's your kids dad you should be annoyed with, not her. She has probably learnt the hard way that her child's father is a lazy dad just like you did. She is putting all of the effort in for her child, just like you are doing for your child.

When your kids get upset by it, start telling them like it is. It's their dad's responsibility to sort all of this as his house and he is the one not doing it. Don't let them blame their step mother either.

Xmasiscancelledagain · 01/01/2022 12:15

@Ponoka7

Would posters on here honestly not even bother with a balloon/banner for their close child relatives?
Not if it got met with 'Why are you interfering with DC birthday' by both actual parents. Neither of whom gave a shit enough to do it themselves
DropYourSword · 01/01/2022 12:15

I just feel sorry for the step mum here. Once again, a woman is taking the blame for a man’s shortcomings! She’s done nothing wrong here.

Theflamingnerd · 01/01/2022 12:15

@Ponoka7

Would posters on here honestly not even bother with a balloon/banner for their close child relatives?
Are posters here really suggesting that the father of the children is incapable of arranging some balloons and a cake?
Normski67 · 01/01/2022 12:15

@HunterJay

Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it.
No, if you’re comparing like for like it would fall to you to do that. Did you also order a fancy cake and balloon towers for her DS? This issue is 100% on the dad and your beef is with him, not her.
Ponoka7 · 01/01/2022 12:16

@FawnFrenchieMum, are your children their half siblings? Taking a group of children can often make it more fun. My GC SM is enjoying getting a bouncy castle etc because it was always only her child and one cousin.

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