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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed at her as well?

128 replies

HunterJay · 01/01/2022 11:57

I know it's their Dad I should be pissed off at but how much should you expect from your child's step mother? I can't help but be pissed at her as well sometimes.

Basically DCs Dad doesn't really do anything with them. He does basic parenting but that's about it. I'm the one who goes to the effort of doing all the extra with them.

They have a half sibling at their dad's house with their step mother. They do love their brother but it's becoming clear that their brother is treated better at that house. I actually don't at all think it's by their Dad. I imagine (and can tell from various things) that it's his wife that does everything with their son too.

But things like she'll throw a big extravagant party for his birthday whereas they do nothing really bar a takeaway or something small for our DC. I understand that their Dad is likely doing nothing for their son's birthday and it'll all be her arranging it but still, I can tell it upsets DC. They don't really know the difference between their SM paying for and arranging these things, they just see it as Dad's house doing this for their brother and not them. Would it really be too much for her to just take over making a bit of extra effort for our DC when they are there too? I know it should be their Dad but if he won't?

They've come home a few times now saying their brother wasn't there because he was out at X great place with his Mum and her family and our DC have just stayed home with Dad.

Shouldn't she be treating them a bit more the same when they are there or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
BananaBlue · 01/01/2022 12:39

The problem is dad doesn’t give a shit about his kids or their feelings.

Why these men have more children I don’t know. SM should be watching the disregard he has with horror really.

How old are your kids OP?

Dad making no effort for their birthday straight after witnessing a celebration involving dad must have been very upsetting for them.

tiredofthisshit21 · 01/01/2022 12:39

It's their dad who should be doing stuff with them, not the stepmum. He is responsible for parenting them when they are with him.

SmolCat · 01/01/2022 12:40

Both you and the SM are stuck with this useless shit of a man.

Have you actually said anything to him (not that you should have to)? Tell him the kids are hurt to see that their brother has a cake etc on their birthday and they don’t. Tell him to step up.

CeleriacOfTheNight · 01/01/2022 12:42

You're expecting her to make more efforts with your children than their own father.

That's really unfair.

colourfulpuddles · 01/01/2022 12:46

This is what happens when there are blended families. You chose this path and now your son bears the consequences of that.

MadeOfStarStuff · 01/01/2022 12:46

Your ex is the one who should be sorting stuff for his children, not his wife. He’s a dick for allowing the disparity but it’s not his wife’s job to make up for it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/01/2022 12:47

My DS has a stepmum and I don't expect her to do anything for him besides treat him kindly and make him welcome in their home. I don't expect her to take him out anywhere, spend money on him. That is his dad's job as his parent. She is not his parent and so I don't expect her to act like it. She doesn't have kids of her own though.

Get a grip and take things up with your ex, it is his responsibility to be doing these things.

frazzledasarock · 01/01/2022 12:50

The SM is probably now more tired and has less disposable income that she has her own child and wants it (rightly) concentrate her energies and resources on her own child.

Going by your posts your ex is useless uninterested sperm donor, so she may well be doing everything for her child herself.

You throw the extravagant party for your dc, she throws one for her child. If you want them to put up banners for your children's birthday tell both your ex and your DC’s SM that your dc would like banners and balloons please.

Getting a take away is a lovely grown up way to mark a birthday.

Stop comparing what the poor woman is doing for her child and being jealous and wanting to put more work on her.
Your ex is a shit father and both your children have a shit dad.

Either speak to your ex or just tell your dc that it’s what their dad chooses to do for them and they get a big party with you and their sibling gets a big party with their mum.

Bahhhhhumbug · 01/01/2022 12:51

As a stepmother l would say you are being so far unreasonable l just don't know where to start.

BananaBlue · 01/01/2022 12:52

@colourfulpuddles

This is what happens when there are blended families. You chose this path and now your son bears the consequences of that.
How do you know the OP chose this path?

Why are you blaming the OP and not dad for the DC being hurt and upset?

How is it her fault?

frazzledasarock · 01/01/2022 12:53

@colourfulpuddles

This is what happens when there are blended families. You chose this path and now your son bears the consequences of that.
What does that even mean?

Put up with abusive shit men because if you leave they might go off and set up home with someone else and continue being a shit father?

Bar the exits to prevent your H walking out if they choose to?

What a stupid post.

hulahooper2 · 01/01/2022 12:54

Your kids will do stuff with you and your family , they aren’t her kids. I think it’s a good thing they can get alone time with their dad.

KurtWilde · 01/01/2022 12:56

I've read the opposite view of this story from a poster who's a step mum and does big parties for her DS but not for her DSS. Most posters said that it's up to dad and mum to do a big party if that's what they want for their DC and not down to the stepmum.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 01/01/2022 12:56

@Haus1234

Sorry but gently YABU and expecting too much. Their brother has two parents including a lazy dad and his mum organises nice things for him. Your kids have two parents and a lazy dad so if you want nice things for them you will have to do the organising.
this.
FawnFrenchieMum · 01/01/2022 12:57

I mean I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t have said, bye DSC me & DS are going to have a lovely day without you with my family. It would have been a case of, im sorry DSC the tickets were booked a long time ago and we didn’t know you would be with us today or we’re going to x,y,z which is a bit too young for you but we’ll do something together next weekend etc. However im certain they will have gone home and said DSM took little brother to somewhere amazing and we didn’t go, we were just stuck at home with dad and ex would have been fuming on their behalf.

We were never allowed to see the DSC on their actual birthdays so paying for extravagant cakes, balloons etc when they had already had them seemed a little much but would go out for dinner, cinema etc and do gifts on the next occasion we saw them.

DSD lived with us for about a year, during that time we did all the extravagant stuff for her as during that time she lived we us and wouldn’t get it at her mums.

SmolCat · 01/01/2022 12:58

@colourfulpuddles

This is what happens when there are blended families. You chose this path and now your son bears the consequences of that.
How did the OP choose this?
Sleepyquest · 01/01/2022 12:58

Why don't you throw your kids a party? Jeeeez making out like it's another woman's responsibility! I hope their SM ditches your ex and can then carry on as she pleases.

JaffavsCookie · 01/01/2022 12:59

OP you still haven’t replied to tell us what your dc say when you remind them that they already had a cake and party at your house.

Blossomtoes · 01/01/2022 13:00

@HunterJay

Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it.
Why? You’d assume their actual parent (you) would do it - or at least I would. She’s not their parent.
Looneytune253 · 01/01/2022 13:01

Nothing at all to do with the step mum and he does sound like a dead beat but wouldn't your DC get their big party thrown by their own mum like the stepchild has. They don't need a second one.

Restart10 · 01/01/2022 13:01

I think yabu. Why should SHE be throwing extravagant parties when their own father is sitting right there. You are passing the blame for his uselessness. If her family is inviting their dd and gc out then I don't think she is doing anything wrong either. It would be wrong if their dad is joining in and they are excluded but he is staying behind with them. And then again, he chooses to not do anything with them. How is this her fault again??
You are being really unfair and wrong here.

KurtWilde · 01/01/2022 13:01

AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4405042-AIBU-DHs-ex-always-accusing-us-of-treating-our-DC-better-than-DSC?msgid=112602024#112602024

41sunnydays · 01/01/2022 13:03

It's definitely wrong to be pissed at the step mum. This is 100% an issue with the dad not bothering

Ohpulltheotherone · 01/01/2022 13:05

@HunterJay

Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it.
Yes but it’s on his dad to do it, not her.

Stop putting your exs shitty parenting on another woman.

She’s not his parent. She doesn’t have a motherly relationship with him. That’s your role.

You need to take this up with your ex.

Whilst you no doubt feel for your child, it is still not and will never be her responsibility to organise parties and cakes and birthday treats.
Your child has two capable parents, unfortunately one does sound totally rubbish.

SeasonFinale · 01/01/2022 13:07

The half sibling is getting one party. I assume you are giving your kids one party too!

They are also having a takeaway to mark their birthday too. I suspect their joint child is not.