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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed at her as well?

128 replies

HunterJay · 01/01/2022 11:57

I know it's their Dad I should be pissed off at but how much should you expect from your child's step mother? I can't help but be pissed at her as well sometimes.

Basically DCs Dad doesn't really do anything with them. He does basic parenting but that's about it. I'm the one who goes to the effort of doing all the extra with them.

They have a half sibling at their dad's house with their step mother. They do love their brother but it's becoming clear that their brother is treated better at that house. I actually don't at all think it's by their Dad. I imagine (and can tell from various things) that it's his wife that does everything with their son too.

But things like she'll throw a big extravagant party for his birthday whereas they do nothing really bar a takeaway or something small for our DC. I understand that their Dad is likely doing nothing for their son's birthday and it'll all be her arranging it but still, I can tell it upsets DC. They don't really know the difference between their SM paying for and arranging these things, they just see it as Dad's house doing this for their brother and not them. Would it really be too much for her to just take over making a bit of extra effort for our DC when they are there too? I know it should be their Dad but if he won't?

They've come home a few times now saying their brother wasn't there because he was out at X great place with his Mum and her family and our DC have just stayed home with Dad.

Shouldn't she be treating them a bit more the same when they are there or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
HestersSamplerofCarrots · 01/01/2022 13:08

By any chance, was a significant part of the reason you two split up because he was a lazy, useless lump? Particularly when it came to sharing the load with children?

I’m wondering if - given you’ve said she used to do more but now doesn’t - she’s facing up to a lazy father who can’t be arsed with their new child either and doesn’t fancy having to do his parenting for him with 3 children, so is sticking to having to do it all with just the 1? I wonder if she thought things would change when they had their own and the scales are now falling from her eyes and she sees he won’t, and she’s realised that he’d be perfectly happy during his contact time to let her do it all for all of them? So she’s possibly stepped right back because his contact time is for HIM to parent?

Just a thought.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/01/2022 13:13

@HunterJay

Okay I'm being unreasonable. I do understand it's their Dad. It's just hard for them to see, they don't really get the difference all they see is their Dad's house making more effort for one. Especially when she used to be very involved with them, that's hard for them.

I don't agree it's the same as me throwing a party for their son. He doesn't live in my house half the time.

In the OP too, you referred to "Dad's house". The house makes no effort at all, just the people inside it. It's as if you're lumping everyone inside that house into one 'person' and so blaming them all equally. Or, to put it another way, you're shifting the blame from your lazy-arsed crap-at-being-a-father Ex and instead blaming the woman he married. That's what I find unreasonable.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow posted "Surely if your kids get upset you say "but you had a lovely cake and balloons at home, I did it for you didn't I? Your brothers mum did it for him just like I did it for you." Simple." She's spot-on. Don't let your children see their stepmother as being to blame here. The blame lies squarely on your Ex's shoulders, not on his wife's.

I'd point out to the Ex that he's going the right way for his children to become distanced from them as they get older, but that's all you can do. Don't expect your children's stepmother to shield them from their father's inadequacy. She's battling with it every day.

MostlyHappyMummy · 01/01/2022 13:13

Struggling to understand why this is in way the responsibility of the stepmother

Twilight7777 · 01/01/2022 13:21

No his dad needs to step up

Inertia · 01/01/2022 13:21

YABU.

Sounds like the stepmum is doing all the parenting for the shared child, you do all the parenting for yours. The father does bog all.

Be angry at the crappy father who makes no effort.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 01/01/2022 13:21

She may be worried about overstepping the mark or being seen to be trying to outdo your efforts. Do you ever speak to her at all?

If the father is useless at parenting he might also be lazy in other areas of life and they might not have enough money to treat all of the children equally.

Original poster
HunterJay · 01/01/2022 13:22

It's as if you're lumping everyone inside that house into one 'person' and so blaming them all equally

I just meant one family not one person.

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 01/01/2022 13:28

You’ve still not answered if the children are ever there on their actual birthdays?

Original poster
HunterJay · 01/01/2022 13:30

@FawnFrenchieMum

You’ve still not answered if the children are ever there on their actual birthdays?
Yes they are. They are at whoever's house they are usually at that day.
OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 01/01/2022 13:31

Expecting her to compensate for your ex's lousy parenting isn't remotely reasonable.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2022 13:37

You put up with him doing nothing for them while you were still together, accept he’s still crap but expect a third party to do more for them.

If you really think that through you’ll see how daft it is.

bcc89 · 01/01/2022 13:38

I don't understand why you've posted this thread about the stepmother at all, sorry. This should be ALL about the dad. It's not his wife's responsibility. You are completely misdirecting your upset at the wrong person here.

Etinoxaurus · 01/01/2022 13:40

Hands up I have no experience of this but…
Did you buy her son a birthday present?
I can imagine a nicely blended set up where both mothers ‘mother’ but as pp have said it’s deadbeat dad at fault.

AlohaMolly · 01/01/2022 13:41

It must be very hard, OP, to watch your DC have to deal with the emotional side of this. I completely understand that you’re just trying to think of ways to negate the pain they feel and the simplistic answer is that yes, ‘the house’ should treat all DC the same.

The problem comes when it appears that the responsibility of this falls at the feet of a woman who is not your DC’s mother. I’m sure she’s lovely and I’m sure she doesnt want to hurt your DC, but it’s really not her job. It’s your ex’s.

BooksAndGin · 01/01/2022 13:45

YABU. It's not another woman's job to step up just because you choose to have kids with a waste of space.

Shedmistress · 01/01/2022 13:45

Leave her alone.

If she did too much you'd accuse her of trying to outdo you.

It is much easier just to leave two useless parents to it than try to step in and get absolutely no gratitude, espscially when the mother is on MN whingeing on about her not doing enough.

Her job is not to do all the things you and your ex can't be bothered to do. It really isn't.

Returnoftheowl · 01/01/2022 13:48

You've both ended up having children with a mediocre man. He's the one who should be stepping up and doing his share of the parenting. You can't expect her to pick up his share just because he can't be bothered.

Poppinjay · 01/01/2022 13:49

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that two adults living in a blended family could make an effort to ensure that all the the children feel valued equally.

In their position, I'd ensure that treats and special trips to exciting places happen for all children who are present in the house on that day. Treats and special trips could also happen just for the child who lives there full time on other days.

I wouldn't expect both parents to provide a child with a full on birthday party but I would expect a fuss to be made for each child's birthday and an effort to be made not to create a huge contrast between the celebrations, especially if they are close together.

The SM isn't responsible for organising anything but your ex is and she at least has a moral obligation not to make that difficult. Sadly, it sounds like he's making no effort and she's given up.

I doubt this will be the only way in which they make your DC feel second rate so there's probably little point in saying anything. It won't make any difference in the long run, even if it made them up their game for a while, which is unlikely.

needmoreshinys · 01/01/2022 13:49

I do most of the party arranging for our son, I let, DP and his ex organise parties between them, I am not his parent, DSS has two involved parents, that need to talk to each other with regards to what they do for parties, assembelys, nativity plays etc.

Its not up to me to faciliate this. I love DSS and will always be here for him, but I am not doing DPs job when it comes to his eldest son

JaffavsCookie · 01/01/2022 13:50

@HuntersJay, but surely your kids understand when you say “ but i did you cake and a party so you haven’t missed out” Or don’t you do them parties either?

SarahJessicaParker1 · 01/01/2022 13:51

I'd be annoyed too, but yabu to be annoyed with the SM. Your ds dad is a twat though. I cannot believe anyone would be so lazy with their own child. I'm Angry at him on your behalf. Absolute asshole

Thehop · 01/01/2022 13:53

They get the balloons, fuss, cake etc at your house don’t they? You just answer like op said “his mum does all that for his birthday, and they know I do it all for yours!”

BoudecaBains · 01/01/2022 13:55

Her priority is to her own child. Your priority is to yours.

wishiwasonholiday30 · 01/01/2022 13:59

As a step mother (my stepson is 19 now) I would always allow time alone with his dad. My children get that time as we live together so I always thought it important my husband and stepson have that time to themselves.
Also, I don't know what the age gap is, mine is 10 years between my eldest and my stepson, so finding group activities that would interest them all was also tricky. It might be she's trying to give your DC time alone with him.

Sinner10 · 01/01/2022 13:59

I don't get this, she needs to be able to do things with her own child as and when she pleases. It's up to you and your ex to make sure your children are not missing out.

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