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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed at her as well?

128 replies

HunterJay · 01/01/2022 11:57

I know it's their Dad I should be pissed off at but how much should you expect from your child's step mother? I can't help but be pissed at her as well sometimes.

Basically DCs Dad doesn't really do anything with them. He does basic parenting but that's about it. I'm the one who goes to the effort of doing all the extra with them.

They have a half sibling at their dad's house with their step mother. They do love their brother but it's becoming clear that their brother is treated better at that house. I actually don't at all think it's by their Dad. I imagine (and can tell from various things) that it's his wife that does everything with their son too.

But things like she'll throw a big extravagant party for his birthday whereas they do nothing really bar a takeaway or something small for our DC. I understand that their Dad is likely doing nothing for their son's birthday and it'll all be her arranging it but still, I can tell it upsets DC. They don't really know the difference between their SM paying for and arranging these things, they just see it as Dad's house doing this for their brother and not them. Would it really be too much for her to just take over making a bit of extra effort for our DC when they are there too? I know it should be their Dad but if he won't?

They've come home a few times now saying their brother wasn't there because he was out at X great place with his Mum and her family and our DC have just stayed home with Dad.

Shouldn't she be treating them a bit more the same when they are there or am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

OnceUponAThread · 01/01/2022 12:16

@HunterJay

Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it.

Do you treat her child the same way you treat your two? Do you make sure that child has an equivalent party if you throw one for your boys? I expect not...

The children are all being treated fairly in that they all get treated by their various mums. And (unfortunately) they all have a shit dad.

If you throw a party for your son and she does too, he'll have two parties while her son only gets one. Why is that fair?

It's not her job to carry the mental load around your children. That's your ex's job and any anger needs to be laid at his door. Take it up with him.

DarkCorner · 01/01/2022 12:17

Yanbu. Its dads fault but she’s with him and had another child so she does need to try and ensure sone parity between them especially if she made more effort before. Fair enough if she takes her DS places when your dc aren’t there but it seems a shame (unless just visiting her relatives rather than a day out) if they are actually on a fun trip that previously your dc would have gone on. Is it financial issues that mean dad and dc don’t go too? I wouldn’t be bothered about no party but think they should mark the occasion a bit eg little party at home, cinema trip etc. Are your dc older now and they think won’t be interested in parties/day trips etc —clutching at straws—.

Ponoka7 · 01/01/2022 12:20

"Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it."
I wouldn't want any resentment between the siblings, half or not. I never saw my half sister as a half because we were treated equally and fairly within the family.

@Theflamingnerd, she's probably found that he's a useless shite. So as someone whose taken on the role of ST, had their sibling, you'd feel for the children and do something.
Unless she's making exit plans.

Missey85 · 01/01/2022 12:22

You should be pissed at him its not up to her to organise things because his a moron she only has to worry about her own you pay for a fancy party if you want be mad at the right person!

LittleMG · 01/01/2022 12:22

No I would be interested in my child and expect you to do that for yours and liaise with dad I would not see a problem with taking my child out with my family and leaving his kids to him.

colourfulpuddles · 01/01/2022 12:23

@HunterJay

Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it.

Not if it’s not your kid. It’s not her fault your ex is a shit father 🤷‍♀️

IcedCoffeeMilkshake · 01/01/2022 12:25

@Xmasiscancelledagain

It's your kids dad you should be annoyed with, not her. She has probably learnt the hard way that her child's father is a lazy dad just like you did. She is putting all of the effort in for her child, just like you are doing for your child.

When your kids get upset by it, start telling them like it is. It's their dad's responsibility to sort all of this as his house and he is the one not doing it. Don't let them blame their step mother either.

I would agree with this to tbh. I know it is hurtful and makes you angry, but it's not quite right to blame a woman when a man (repeatedly) just fails at basic stuff.

2022success · 01/01/2022 12:29

Maybe SM has woken up to the fact that her loser DH expects her to all the work with regards to his DC and is sick fed up of it.

It's usual advice on here when SM complain that they are left looking after DSC whilst DH sits watching footie that they fuck off out and leave him to it. Maybe that's what SM is doing?

I really can't blame her and neither should you. She should be able to go out and do whatever she wants with her DC when your DC are with their dad.

IamnotSethRogan · 01/01/2022 12:29

Ffs it is not at all her job to do this

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 01/01/2022 12:29

But your kids have a mum who does that stuff. Her kid has a mum who does that. They all have an equal father. Why should yours get double the mums. Double the balloon towers, double the cakes, double the parties? Sounds like you want her to do your parenting does you too.

Theflamingnerd · 01/01/2022 12:30

He definitely seems like a useless lump, but her priorities have shifted now. Before she probably had the time & mental capacity to pick up his slack, now she has her own child to focus on (and I'm not saying it isn't shit) but she naturally centers her own child.

If OP is so concerned about extravagant birthday parties then she should be organising them, she's the children's mother after all. If she wants the sibling at the party then invite the step mum, she mentioned they used to have a good relationship.

SM shouldn't be limited in doing nice things for her child if OP doesn't do them for her own kids.

If OP wants more fuss made of the kids birthdays whilst at their dads then she needs to speak to the dad, it's not the SM's job they're his kids. Maybe he's of the impression that ordering a takeaway is an extravagance, maybe they don't usually do that when the kids aren't there (could be clutching at straws with that last point admittedly)

Original poster

HunterJay · 01/01/2022 12:30

Okay I'm being unreasonable. I do understand it's their Dad. It's just hard for them to see, they don't really get the difference all they see is their Dad's house making more effort for one. Especially when she used to be very involved with them, that's hard for them.

I don't agree it's the same as me throwing a party for their son. He doesn't live in my house half the time.

OP posts:

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 01/01/2022 12:31

Surely if your kids get upset you say "but you had a lovely cake and balloons at home, I did it for you didn't I? Your brothers mum did it for him just like I did it for you." Simple.

Beautiful3 · 01/01/2022 12:32

There's nothing stopping you from doing it. It's down to the mum and dad, not the step parents.

BananaBlue · 01/01/2022 12:32

SM is not to blame, it’s not her responsibility.

Having a child of her own has probably made her realise she was blinkered and has now provided her child with a shit dad even though the warnings were there.

I would hate to see my DC so upset and would worry about their self-esteem etc as they might start not feeling good enough.

Can you speak to dad on their behalf about how they feel and the need for HIM to spend quality time with his children

I’d also question why and whether dad wants to have them there…

Otherwise all you can do is compensate for their shit dad and love bomb them, give them lots of experiences etc.

BatshitBanshee · 01/01/2022 12:33

Oh FFS OP. Did you actually consider that she is having the same battle and your ex does sweet fuck all? So she is doing the lion's share at home as well as with their child?? There's only so much a woman can do. Your children are up to you and your ex. It's not her job.

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/01/2022 12:33

[quote Ponoka7]@FawnFrenchieMum, are your children their half siblings? Taking a group of children can often make it more fun. My GC SM is enjoying getting a bouncy castle etc because it was always only her child and one cousin.[/quote]
Sorry I’m not sure what you mean about more fun and bouncy castles?

Yes they are half siblings, although we only ever refer to them as siblings not half.

There is quite an age gap between the children, 6 years between DH’s youngest and my eldest and then another 6 years between mine. So by the time my second was born my youngest DSC was 12. Not sure they would enjoy the same parties.

FawnFrenchieMum · 01/01/2022 12:34

@HunterJay

I don't agree it's the same as me throwing a party for their son. He doesn't live in my house half the time.

Are the children ever there on their actual birthdays?

Normski67 · 01/01/2022 12:34

@HunterJay

I don't agree it's the same as me throwing a party for their son. He doesn't live in my house half the time.

Your children need to ask their dad about this if they notice a difference then. Again, let him answer it and feel the guilt.

Original poster

HunterJay · 01/01/2022 12:35

I should have been clearer about the party. I'm not saying she should throw them a party. I do parties for them. I just mean it would be nice for them to do something.

I think it's highlighted because my eldest and their son's birthdays are so close together. They are a week apart so my son goes to theirs and there are balloons everywhere, big cake, party ect and then his a week later there is nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

HunterJay · 01/01/2022 12:35

And yes I've mentioned it to their dad loads of times. He takes no notice.

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 01/01/2022 12:37

But...has your son not already had balloons, cake and a party at yours?

Also - I used to think takeaways were a real treat when I was a kid. That would not be “nothing” to me!

Justmuddlingalong · 01/01/2022 12:37

It sounds like she's picking up the slack needed with having a child to a useless dad, just like you are. I think it's really unfair that you're expecting the same effort from her with your DC. Your ex is the problem, but I bet you know that really and are lashing out at her because lashing out at him has been and will continue to be pointless.

TueWed · 01/01/2022 12:38

@HunterJay

I don't agree it's the same as me throwing a party for their son. He doesn't live in my house half the time.

Yes - its total shit, but its not her fault - its his

They've come home a few times now saying their brother wasn't there because he was out at X great place with his Mum and her family and our DC have just stayed home with Dad.

So you expect her to take his children to see her family when he cannot be arsed to do anything? I know you say you are being U, but your (righteous) anger needs to be directed to ExH, he is the one failing his DC

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2022 12:39

I get what you're saying OP but you're still massively putting the responsibility onto the wrong person.

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