AIBU to be pissed at her as well?

[HunterJay]

I know it's their Dad I should be pissed off at but how much should you expect from your child's step mother? I can't help but be pissed at her as well sometimes.

Basically DCs Dad doesn't really do anything with them. He does basic parenting but that's about it. I'm the one who goes to the effort of doing all the extra with them.

They have a half sibling at their dad's house with their step mother. They do love their brother but it's becoming clear that their brother is treated better at that house. I actually don't at all think it's by their Dad. I imagine (and can tell from various things) that it's his wife that does everything with their son too.

But things like she'll throw a big extravagant party for his birthday whereas they do nothing really bar a takeaway or something small for our DC. I understand that their Dad is likely doing nothing for their son's birthday and it'll all be her arranging it but still, I can tell it upsets DC. They don't really know the difference between their SM paying for and arranging these things, they just see it as Dad's house doing this for their brother and not them. Would it really be too much for her to just take over making a bit of extra effort for our DC when they are there too? I know it should be their Dad but if he won't?

They've come home a few times now saying their brother wasn't there because he was out at X great place with his Mum and her family and our DC have just stayed home with Dad.

Shouldn't she be treating them a bit more the same when they are there or am I expecting too much?

The issue is with your ExH not the poor woman. You cannot expect her to throw an extravagant party for your kids? Would you be doing the same for her kids as well?

Since she's had her own child, the stepmother probably does not have the energy or more space in her mental load, given that the children's father probably leaves everything to her (does that sound familiar from your relationship with him, OP?) - given that he's clearly a lazy fucker. Maybe she's as fed up with him as you are. So YABU to blame her, it's on their dad to ensure fairness and make sure all three of his children have fun with him, but he clearly can't be arsed. Obviously it will bite him in the arse eventually as the kids get older and at least two out of the three of them will probably not be bothered about spending time with him.

Did your marriage end because he was a bad husband/parent?

Maybe she can only finance her son? Taking one to the zoo is different to three or four. Not just in terms of cost but energy.

Would I love Step children as much as my own...hell no. Which is why I'd never be one.
I don't the energy for that.

I can totally understand why you are upset, its awful for your children, you need to keep pointing out that their dad is responsible. don't shield them from the reality of life.

@HunterJay whilst it’s still really on your ex, I personally as a SM couldn’t let them wake up at my house without a birthday fuss even if not to the same extent as my own child. I would have to do ‘something’ for them but doesn’t mean that it’s unreasonable for her not to.

@WorraLiberty

I know it should be their Dad but if he won't?

Then the kids drew the short straw in the Dad stakes I'm afraid.

For all you know she might've given up nagging him to do more stuff with his/your kids, and has now resigned herself to at least no letting it affect her child.

In much the same was as it sounds like you have.

This. It seems to be more of an XDH problem, rather than a SM problem. As a SM, I suggest a lot of things for grown up SDD's, but it's up to DH to sort it. And yes, if it comes directly from me, I am overstepping. I'm talking nice things here, not wicked step-mother inteference.

I'm sorry, this sounds like a sad situation for you and all the children involved, including your kids' step brother. However, I do think YABU. It's not up to women to pick up lazy men's slack. Feel sorry for the poor woman that she's the one who's ended up married to your ex now!

It is up to YOU to arrange a fancy birthday party for your children if that is what they and you want. It's not up to their stepmother. If you want their father to play a more active role in his kids lives, then you need to talk to him about that; not complain about what you feel is lacking in his current partner. It's not up to her to cajole him into being a proper dad.

It’s really important that you are just honest with your DC that it’s their father who isn’t doing much. Otherwise you are teaching them that women are responsible for men’s shortcomings.

If they are upset that their half brother is doing things with his mum, the only reasonable response is to compare that to the nice things they do with their mum (you). And to focus on the time they had with their dad. They are there to see him, after all.

Or if they’re complaining about birthday things, then focus on what they have had to celebrate their birthday. Don’t dismiss it as ‘only a takeaway’. Their brother is likely to be much younger, and that’s his only celebration. Get them to focus on the fact that you did X, Y and Z with them, and that they got presents and a takeaway (and maybe watched a film or played videogames with their dad - or something similar). Encouraging them to recognize and value what they have, rather than being jealous of what their younger brother gets (from his mum), is the best way to encourage them to grow up as emotionally healthy people.

You don’t want them growing up thinking that women are responsible for all family labour and should be blamed when men fail to meet their responsibilities. Nor do you want them not to be grateful for what they do get.

@HunterJay

Surely if you order an expensive cake from a baker, balloon towers ect for one child's birthday you should be doing it for the others in the house? Or at least something remotely like it.

Yes, absolutely their Dad should be ordering an expensive cake and balloons for his ‘other’ children.

Stop blaming the Step Mum and direct your anger at their useless father.

@BurntToastAgain

It’s really important that you are just honest with your DC that it’s their father who isn’t doing much. Otherwise you are teaching them that women are responsible for men’s shortcomings.

If they are upset that their half brother is doing things with his mum, the only reasonable response is to compare that to the nice things they do with their mum (you). And to focus on the time they had with their dad. They are there to see him, after all.

Or if they’re complaining about birthday things, then focus on what they have had to celebrate their birthday. Don’t dismiss it as ‘only a takeaway’. Their brother is likely to be much younger, and that’s his only celebration. Get them to focus on the fact that you did X, Y and Z with them, and that they got presents and a takeaway (and maybe watched a film or played videogames with their dad - or something similar). Encouraging them to recognize and value what they have, rather than being jealous of what their younger brother gets (from his mum), is the best way to encourage them to grow up as emotionally healthy people.

You don’t want them growing up thinking that women are responsible for all family labour and should be blamed when men fail to meet their responsibilities. Nor do you want them not to be grateful for what they do get.

Very well said.

Echoing what others have said its down to your exm

You chose to have children with a useless man. It's on him, not their stepmother. You're relegating all the jobs he should be doing as their parent to her to deal with as wife work.

@BurntToastAgain

It’s really important that you are just honest with your DC that it’s their father who isn’t doing much. Otherwise you are teaching them that women are responsible for men’s shortcomings.

If they are upset that their half brother is doing things with his mum, the only reasonable response is to compare that to the nice things they do with their mum (you). And to focus on the time they had with their dad. They are there to see him, after all.

Or if they’re complaining about birthday things, then focus on what they have had to celebrate their birthday. Don’t dismiss it as ‘only a takeaway’. Their brother is likely to be much younger, and that’s his only celebration. Get them to focus on the fact that you did X, Y and Z with them, and that they got presents and a takeaway (and maybe watched a film or played videogames with their dad - or something similar). Encouraging them to recognize and value what they have, rather than being jealous of what their younger brother gets (from his mum), is the best way to encourage them to grow up as emotionally healthy people.

You don’t want them growing up thinking that women are responsible for all family labour and should be blamed when men fail to meet their responsibilities. Nor do you want them not to be grateful for what they do get.

Extremely good post.

You're angry at the wrong person.

Your children with ex aren't stepmum's problem. As long as she plays her part to keep them fed and safe under that roof, that's about all you should expect. The person being a shit here is the waster-dad. He needs to pull his finger out of his arse and step up.

If all the care of your shared children is dumped on stepmum when they visit (and based on the form of waster-dads, I suspect it probably is), I'm not surprised stepmum has now made it a point to be "out" when the kids come around. It's not her job to parent and make things all whizzy-woo for your kids. That's their DAD'S JOB.

@TequilaBlaze

You chose to have children with a useless man. It's on him, not their stepmother. You're relegating all the jobs he should be doing as their parent to her to deal with as wife work.

Yes. But unless the XH was (before marriage) given a questionnaire, at the time, under the influence of a truth-serum, which specifically asked the question about how he would approach the child's parties, on separation, I'm not sure she would have known this....

YABU because you're expect a woman, that's not even related to your children to do all the jobs their dad would do. He obviously doesn't care and isn't willing to put any effort in so absolutely everything you expect is actually from their SM.

There was a very similar thread from the SM's perspective. It makes for very enlightening and quite sad reading. The so called extravagant stuff was funded by her parents, and she was made to feel guilty by both the mum and the dad of the SC for not doing the same for them, while dad never lifted a finger.

I’m usually scorned by step mothers for not thinking that everything they do is as pure as the driven snow

But….

In this scenario, this poor step mum. All your frustration, all of it MUST be channeled at your ex

What’s the ratio with you and him op?

From FawnFrenchieMum
"You’ve still not answered if the children are ever there on their actual birthdays?"

From OP
"Yes they are. They are at whoever's house they are usually at that day."

So that must now change. Take control. Birthday at your house from now on, no argument. If he's not going to 'do' their birthday, they're no longer going to be with him on the day.

@HunterJay

It's as if you're lumping everyone inside that house into one 'person' and so blaming them all equally

I just meant one family not one person.

Same difference. You're spreading the blame from him to her.

@Haus1234

Sorry but gently YABU and expecting too much. Their brother has two parents including a lazy dad and his mum organises nice things for him. Your kids have two parents and a lazy dad so if you want nice things for them you will have to do the organising.

Mainly this. But irs nice your kids get time with just their Dad too.

They’re not her children though. Maybe she doesn’t want to step on your toes by throwing big extravagant birthday parties or taking them on fancy outings.

Their dad should be arranging treats for them, or going halves with you on the cost of an outing etc.

My friend is a step mum and can’t win; if she takes the kids somewhere nice their mum gets jealous and complains to the dad, if she doesn’t she gets accused of not bothering.

Is there a big age difference? Maybe she’s not used to older kids and feels more comfortable doing things with her son?

You have an exDH problem.
Stop expecting her to do anything more than she already does. Your ex partner should pull his finger out.

It's very difficult...eg, I do adult dd an Advent calendar every year. She lives with her DP. I have resisted one for him, as his own DM might think I'm overstepping.

She used to do loads with them, she was very involved and it's like she just doesn't care since she had her son and the kids notice

Maybe she’s too tired and drained to do the same things for your kids that she used to? Or the sheer practicalities of taking older children out somewhere fun for them if she’s got to lug the buggy and baby/toddler along (unless your ex will look after him alone). You don’t say what the age difference is but I’m guessing yours are quite a lot older than her son?

@Haus1234

Sorry but gently YABU and expecting too much. Their brother has two parents including a lazy dad and his mum organises nice things for him. Your kids have two parents and a lazy dad so if you want nice things for them you will have to do the organising.

This