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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so sad 🥺

185 replies

Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 09:34

Hey ladies

Have spent NYE and today fairly upset
I have been seeing a guy 36/M for a month or two
We had sex on Thursday night and I stayed over - he asked me if I wanted to go to his for New Years eve as he would be by himself with the dog

I was so excited

Anyone the morning after first time sex things seemed normal and he said ‘i will see you later’. Anyway I texted him to ask if we are still on for tonight in the afternoon. No response. He called me about seven to say he had decided to spent the evening alone as he had such a tough year.

He asked if I wanted to see him Sunday instead.

I said OK. This lead to a brief conversation about relationship - It was very light and brief and just involved is both agreeing we are not seeing others and he says ‘he is just going with the flow’ and ‘barely thinks about a future’.

I tried to make NYE plans with others but was so upset that I just ended up having glass of wine and going to bed.

He did not text me again over night and no communication this morning.

I am so upset

AIBU

🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:02

I am a woman in her thirties and i have never in my life been so humiliated (and i have had these conversations in various situations ending in various ways)

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/01/2022 18:04

OP,

You sound like you have a good head.

Silence is best.

Not bothered enough to block him.

I think @Fluffycloudland77's suggestion is a cracker.

Send it if you get a chance.

Arrogant fxxk thinking he could speak to you like that.

No matter how big his ego, it WILL definitely sting to be read that.

Especially when he thinks that is what you will be saying to your friends.

Twats like him are so thin skinned.🙄

Flowers
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:08

@billy1966

OP,

You sound like you have a good head.

Silence is best.

Not bothered enough to block him.

I think @Fluffycloudland77's suggestion is a cracker.

Send it if you get a chance.

Arrogant fxxk thinking he could speak to you like that.

No matter how big his ego, it WILL definitely sting to be read that.

Especially when he thinks that is what you will be saying to your friends.

Twats like him are so thin skinned.🙄

Flowers

It was the arrogance for me.

I doubt he cares anyway, I agree he was begging to be dumped. My friend said he has totally sanotaged this for whatever reason.

Heaven knows why?

OP posts:
Electriq · 01/01/2022 18:13

Bet his NYE was spent meeting up for coffee!

There's so much life out there, don't waste it on people like this!

StrifeOfBath · 01/01/2022 18:13

Bet he spent NYE co-parenting the dog.

And I bet your talk panicked his guilty conscience.

You are SO well out of this.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:17

@StrifeOfBath

Bet he spent NYE co-parenting the dog.

And I bet your talk panicked his guilty conscience.

You are SO well out of this.

Heaven knows

But I have never had such a reaction before in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:18

@StrifeOfBath

Bet he spent NYE co-parenting the dog.

And I bet your talk panicked his guilty conscience.

You are SO well out of this.

I could appreciate If I was going gaga and sayinh ‘ so your my boyfriend now’ ‘am I meeting your familu tomorrow then?’

It was nothing like that.

I had not even added him on social media for christ sake.

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/01/2022 18:23

[quote Gilda152]@5128gap Interesting. I lost my dad to Covid. Not a single part of me was interested in NYE's celebrations. In the moment I felt better and I went out and I came home when I had enough, probably earlier than anticipated. I listened to my emotions and dealt with them in the moment, I didn't plan how I was going to feel and how I should potentially suppress that so I could people please. Nobody who cares for me questioned my motives or movement, or emotional maturity or respect for them, or indeed my adult status. Empathy is such an individual trait though.[/quote]
I'm sorry for your loss. But that is a world away from the situation we see from the information on this thread. Yours are obviously very specific circumstances when its quite understandable to feel as you did, and I'm sure those who care for you were aware of your situation and understood. However there is no indication that the person who let the OP down had any such reason for doing so, and we can only take the situation she posted at face value. Casually cancelling another person at the last minute is unacceptable in the vast majority of circumstances. Bereavement is obviously not one of them.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:26

He had nor had a bereavement as far as I am aware.

He also has no idea how hard my own year has been. I had two family bereavemnts to suicide and my own father sectioned ❤️ Of course, he did not care to ask this. However I am not a martyr. X

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 18:33

@Sammybammy123

He had nor had a bereavement as far as I am aware.

He also has no idea how hard my own year has been. I had two family bereavemnts to suicide and my own father sectioned ❤️ Of course, he did not care to ask this. However I am not a martyr. X

Sorry you've had a shit year but your shit year doesn't mean he hasn't been through 'stuff'.

I hope your dads doing better.

ElectraBlue · 01/01/2022 18:47

Quite amazing that some people are defending the guy and somehow blaming the OP...

  • inviting someone for NY Eve and then cancelling on them at the last minute is incredibly rude. Raise your standards ladies if you think a man you just had sex with should get away with cancelling you at the last minute to spend time with his dog. The OP is right to be annoyed.
  • having sex with a woman and then almost immediately starting to be distant (slow to reply, cancelling things) is the typical sign of someone who was never that interested in the relationship.
  • getting defensive when someone rightly asks where they see the relationship going is a sign of immaturity. They are a lot of men like this who just endlessly string women along while these women are too worried about being seen as 'clingy' to express their needs and expectations from the start. If the OP wanted clarification, she was right to ask for it.

The OP does not want a man who cancels plans at the last minute, expect sex without any kind of commitment and can't have an adult conversation without freaking out. Good for her!

At least by being honest with herself and what she wanted, she found out now that this is not the right guy for her rather than wasting more time on him...

As for those who suggest she should have played games or played it cool: what is the point of that? to prolong a relationship with a man who is not that into her for a few more weeks?

A man who is really into won't need game playing to stay around and won't be that hard work. It is as simply as that...

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:55

@ElectraBlue

Quite amazing that some people are defending the guy and somehow blaming the OP...
  • inviting someone for NY Eve and then cancelling on them at the last minute is incredibly rude. Raise your standards ladies if you think a man you just had sex with should get away with cancelling you at the last minute to spend time with his dog. The OP is right to be annoyed.
  • having sex with a woman and then almost immediately starting to be distant (slow to reply, cancelling things) is the typical sign of someone who was never that interested in the relationship.
  • getting defensive when someone rightly asks where they see the relationship going is a sign of immaturity. They are a lot of men like this who just endlessly string women along while these women are too worried about being seen as 'clingy' to express their needs and expectations from the start. If the OP wanted clarification, she was right to ask for it.

The OP does not want a man who cancels plans at the last minute, expect sex without any kind of commitment and can't have an adult conversation without freaking out. Good for her!

At least by being honest with herself and what she wanted, she found out now that this is not the right guy for her rather than wasting more time on him...

As for those who suggest she should have played games or played it cool: what is the point of that? to prolong a relationship with a man who is not that into her for a few more weeks?

A man who is really into won't need game playing to stay around and won't be that hard work. It is as simply as that...

Agree agree agree

He humiliated gaslighted minimised when I asked for clarification

I am meant to be meeting him tomorrow but I guess he will be too afraid to contact me probably.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:55

@ElectraBlue

Quite amazing that some people are defending the guy and somehow blaming the OP...
  • inviting someone for NY Eve and then cancelling on them at the last minute is incredibly rude. Raise your standards ladies if you think a man you just had sex with should get away with cancelling you at the last minute to spend time with his dog. The OP is right to be annoyed.
  • having sex with a woman and then almost immediately starting to be distant (slow to reply, cancelling things) is the typical sign of someone who was never that interested in the relationship.
  • getting defensive when someone rightly asks where they see the relationship going is a sign of immaturity. They are a lot of men like this who just endlessly string women along while these women are too worried about being seen as 'clingy' to express their needs and expectations from the start. If the OP wanted clarification, she was right to ask for it.

The OP does not want a man who cancels plans at the last minute, expect sex without any kind of commitment and can't have an adult conversation without freaking out. Good for her!

At least by being honest with herself and what she wanted, she found out now that this is not the right guy for her rather than wasting more time on him...

As for those who suggest she should have played games or played it cool: what is the point of that? to prolong a relationship with a man who is not that into her for a few more weeks?

A man who is really into won't need game playing to stay around and won't be that hard work. It is as simply as that...

And yes A man who sees your worth would never risk for a single second for you to doubt their interest in you
OP posts:
Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 01/01/2022 19:48

People who don't think about the future (not in relationship terms, it's too soon for that) but in general are not my type. Sounds like they may not be yours either.

What he did was a bit crap but not terrible, given the context. He might just have needed some downtime or to ring a friend or relative for a long chat or get an early night or do something else that he doesn't know you well enough to tell you about.

However, I'm a bit suspicious that he might have had a 'better offer', from a woman or some friends. He did at least say Happy New Year at a reasonable time for New Year's Day ie midday, presumably unprompted by a text from you in the morning? That's a good thing.

Keep seeing him if you feel like it, but don't get any more invested and do look out for little red flags, or just little pink ones that aren't terrible but do mean he's not for you.

Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 01/01/2022 19:49

*a woman

Well, not necessarily a woman, but assuming for now it might have been an old flame, another person he's seeing casually, FWB...

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 20:52

@Faretheewellmyfairyfay

People who don't think about the future (not in relationship terms, it's too soon for that) but in general are not my type. Sounds like they may not be yours either.

What he did was a bit crap but not terrible, given the context. He might just have needed some downtime or to ring a friend or relative for a long chat or get an early night or do something else that he doesn't know you well enough to tell you about.

However, I'm a bit suspicious that he might have had a 'better offer', from a woman or some friends. He did at least say Happy New Year at a reasonable time for New Year's Day ie midday, presumably unprompted by a text from you in the morning? That's a good thing.

Keep seeing him if you feel like it, but don't get any more invested and do look out for little red flags, or just little pink ones that aren't terrible but do mean he's not for you.

Heaven knows about the whole thing None of my business at the end of the day.

The mind boggles 😂

OP posts:
DixieSun · 01/01/2022 22:18

Maybe he spent NYE with his ex.

Whatever. Move on. Happy new year Wine

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 02/01/2022 10:32

As a update ladies

I have messaged this morning to apologise for late reply and wish him happy new year.

I figured I am not on the level of ghosting and treat others the way you should be treated. Not sure if that was the right thing to do and if that will lower my value even more in his eyes but whatever at this stage.

Peace and love. 🙏🏻❤️

OP posts:
Ohdofuckofdear · 02/01/2022 11:15

Bloody hell OP you've had the year from hell bless you, I'm so sorry about the loss of your loved one's and about your Dad I hope he's getting the help he needs and I hope you've got lots of love and support around you.Flowers

You sound lovely and that guy's a bloody numpty! Glad your binning him off, he's not worth your time or attention, I hope 2022 is much kinder to you and your loved one's.

AlbertBridge · 02/01/2022 11:51

Er, ok. You just couldn't let it lie. 😊

Block him now! You can't just say you're going gangster, you have to actually GO gangster. And gangsters never never text apologising for not texting sooner - especially to people who've treated them badly.

Please read the book I recommended. You need to read it, plus you'll LOVE it.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 02/01/2022 12:08

@AlbertBridge

Er, ok. You just couldn't let it lie. 😊

Block him now! You can't just say you're going gangster, you have to actually GO gangster. And gangsters never never text apologising for not texting sooner - especially to people who've treated them badly.

Please read the book I recommended. You need to read it, plus you'll LOVE it.

I am no gangster really Just a kitten X
OP posts:
HomeCountiesMum · 03/01/2022 02:19

Have you heard from him again?

Flickflak · 03/01/2022 03:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

nalabae · 03/01/2022 03:15

Forget him don’t waste another second

lothermand · 03/01/2022 04:03
  • I have messaged this morning to apologise for late reply and wish him happy new year.

I figured I am not on the level of ghosting and treat others the way you should be treated. Not sure if that was the right thing to do and if that will lower my value even more in his eyes but whatever at this stage.*

OP you have been dignified and true to yourself for doing this. Lots of people would've 'played games' and to an extent, I agree. It's irrelevant what he thinks, it's what YOU think of YOUR self.

I would not have any further contact, you have lost nothing, certainly not your self respect OP.