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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so sad 🥺

185 replies

Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 09:34

Hey ladies

Have spent NYE and today fairly upset
I have been seeing a guy 36/M for a month or two
We had sex on Thursday night and I stayed over - he asked me if I wanted to go to his for New Years eve as he would be by himself with the dog

I was so excited

Anyone the morning after first time sex things seemed normal and he said ‘i will see you later’. Anyway I texted him to ask if we are still on for tonight in the afternoon. No response. He called me about seven to say he had decided to spent the evening alone as he had such a tough year.

He asked if I wanted to see him Sunday instead.

I said OK. This lead to a brief conversation about relationship - It was very light and brief and just involved is both agreeing we are not seeing others and he says ‘he is just going with the flow’ and ‘barely thinks about a future’.

I tried to make NYE plans with others but was so upset that I just ended up having glass of wine and going to bed.

He did not text me again over night and no communication this morning.

I am so upset

AIBU

🥺

OP posts:
errnerrcallnernnernnern · 01/01/2022 14:55

Glad you are ignoring him c

Maunderingdrunkenly · 01/01/2022 15:07

Loving ‘gangsters move in silence’.

You should sell that on Etsy Grin

anon12345anon · 01/01/2022 15:30

FlowersFlowers
Poor you X he sounds like a twat....
Most of us have been where you are, being messed about, and second guessing yourself....
Maybe new year does make him feel sad, but in that case I'd suggest he probably isn't ready for a relationship....
Lots of Wine for you Wink

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 15:37

On the wine now ladies
And yes
Gangsters move in silence

Men (particularly ones like these) really love a reaction and a paragraph to send to their group chats on whatsapp.

I do think if he asks me for tomorrow I will say I am not feel comfortable meeting up again and block.

OP posts:
Exasperatedhousehunter · 01/01/2022 15:43

He sounds like a knob! No, two months is not a long time but I don’t get how you’d be dating someone and having sex with them yet you’re supposed to not give af if they dick you around because it hasn’t been enough time for you to be allowed to feel like that yet. Whatever. How about people treat others with decency and respect regardless of how long they’ve known them. I’d have been upset too but sounds like you’re moving on. Good for you.

Exasperatedhousehunter · 01/01/2022 15:49

Oh and guys love that there are time-limits on when you’re allowed to be upset by their behaviour because it means they can label a woman a bunny-boiling psycho if they dare have standards.
I dated a knob like that once. I suspect he was telling his friends that I was a bunny boiler just because I asked him to be upfront from the outset and not play games. When he slept with someone else, I just cut off all contact and didn’t speak to him again. However, we had mutual friends and apparently he was really pissed off/shocked that I didn’t seem to care, as he had expected essay-like text messages from me and phone calls when I was drunk. Um, no, I have more self-respect than that. Sorry about that 😂

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/01/2022 15:51

Block him. He got the sex he wanted and now just doesn't care how you feel. It will not get any better than this.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 01/01/2022 15:57

@oviraptor21

At two months it's way too soon to be expecting any kind of thoughts about the future. Just go with the flow or not. Depends how much you like this guy. He's been honest with you. If you do need to block him at least do him the courtesy of telling him first. He doesn't deserve to be ghosted.
I think it's entirely reasonable to expect exclusivity after two months if you are sleeping together already.
oviraptor21 · 01/01/2022 15:58

That's not what I said though.

lydia2021 · 01/01/2022 15:59

Be less available... they soon wake up then... think they are losing ability to attract and keep a lass. Best advice I ever had was .. never wait for a bloke to call... go out and be busy

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 16:03

I'm glad you've decided you're not going to stand for his attitude or behaviour OP. You have good boundaries.

Winniemarysarah · 01/01/2022 16:04

@lydia2021

Be less available... they soon wake up then... think they are losing ability to attract and keep a lass. Best advice I ever had was .. never wait for a bloke to call... go out and be busy
I think she’s best avoiding him completely, forever
HacerSonarSusPasos · 01/01/2022 16:11

@Sammybammy123

Yes

And I am not going to create any drama with him either
I will go grey rock

One thing I cannot stand is when my friends send paragraphs to these guys. Long winded reasons and observations.

There is no point.
Gangsters move in silence 😂

You sound awesome! Brush it off and dont let it get to you. These wishy washy commitmentphobe types are a dime a dozen. You'll run into many before you find a keeper. But you seem to have the awareness and dignity to throw them back into the ocean early enough.
thetinsoldier · 01/01/2022 16:15

Did you have sex for the first time on Thursday? I'd be upset at how he treated you too.

I think your instinct to move on is correct. 💐

Exasperatedhousehunter · 01/01/2022 16:18

@lydia2021

Be less available... they soon wake up then... think they are losing ability to attract and keep a lass. Best advice I ever had was .. never wait for a bloke to call... go out and be busy
Well yeah except trying to get them back by being aloof back isn’t the best strategy. Better get rid of them completely because they’re unlikely to change. A decent person doesn’t invite someone they’re seeing over for NYE and then cancel at the last minute, knowing then that the other person probably then won’t have anything else to do for NYE. The OP can do better. All his ‘I barely think about a future’ shit is ridiculous for a 36 yo too. He should man up and tell the OP straight that he doesn’t want a relationship with her, not string her along and then blame her for ‘moving too fast’.
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 16:19

@Exasperatedhousehunter

Oh and guys love that there are time-limits on when you’re allowed to be upset by their behaviour because it means they can label a woman a bunny-boiling psycho if they dare have standards. I dated a knob like that once. I suspect he was telling his friends that I was a bunny boiler just because I asked him to be upfront from the outset and not play games. When he slept with someone else, I just cut off all contact and didn’t speak to him again. However, we had mutual friends and apparently he was really pissed off/shocked that I didn’t seem to care, as he had expected essay-like text messages from me and phone calls when I was drunk. Um, no, I have more self-respect than that. Sorry about that 😂
This is EXCATLY what I mean

He would have loved me last night to be texting and calling etc.

Instead silence.

That REALLY pisses this delusional genre off.

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 01/01/2022 16:20

@Sammybammy123

On the wine now ladies And yes Gangsters move in silence

Men (particularly ones like these) really love a reaction and a paragraph to send to their group chats on whatsapp.

I do think if he asks me for tomorrow I will say I am not feel comfortable meeting up again and block.

'I have changed my mind and don't want to see you again. It's just not for me. I'd rather move on.'
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 16:22

@thetinsoldier

Did you have sex for the first time on Thursday? I'd be upset at how he treated you too.

I think your instinct to move on is correct. 💐

Yes after about six weeks of dating - maybe seven X
OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 01/01/2022 16:27

And I am not going to create any drama with him either

You're doing a pretty good job of it so far.

Sounds like he has had a tough time and needed a quiet night. That's not for you and that's fine, you can end it. No need for all the dramatics though.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 16:33

@CorrBlimeyGG

And I am not going to create any drama with him either

You're doing a pretty good job of it so far.

Sounds like he has had a tough time and needed a quiet night. That's not for you and that's fine, you can end it. No need for all the dramatics though.

Totally agree - it is so disrespectful. We can say all we want about him but heaven knows what he has gone through. 🙏🏻

I am better than phone calls and repeated texts. I have all the data I need. Kill these people with complete kindness. If he does ask I will send the sample text above. It is kind and also mature. 🙏🏻 Then block. X

OP posts:
Twillow · 01/01/2022 16:44

I said OK. This lead to a brief conversation about relationship - It was very light and brief and just involved is both agreeing we are not seeing others and he says ‘he is just going with the flow’ and ‘barely thinks about a future’.

Sorry but it all sounds pretty reasonable to me. What made you think he expected long passages/texts? Sounds like he needed some time to himself and that you don't know each other very well at all. New Year's Eve can be hard for many people for many reasons, so I think YABU to think this was all about you.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 01/01/2022 16:48

@Twillow

I said OK. This lead to a brief conversation about relationship - It was very light and brief and just involved is both agreeing we are not seeing others and he says ‘he is just going with the flow’ and ‘barely thinks about a future’.

Sorry but it all sounds pretty reasonable to me. What made you think he expected long passages/texts? Sounds like he needed some time to himself and that you don't know each other very well at all. New Year's Eve can be hard for many people for many reasons, so I think YABU to think this was all about you.

Did you miss this part?

*I said I was not looking to rush things but if I am going to be sexually active I would like to know if he is seeing others etc

He was so defensive
He said ‘is this because we had sex’, ‘I am not going to block you yet’, ‘its far too soon’ (I understand that). I explained I had men rush me in the past and I was not looking for that but I just needed some clarity really*

Do you find this whishy washy answer reasonable too?

Flobbertybillop · 01/01/2022 16:52

He’s making you feel shit,
He’s making you question yourself
He’s confusing you.
All good reasons to get rid. Value yourself more.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/01/2022 16:53

Send him a text saying sorry the sex wasn’t very good and at 36 you won’t improve.

Let’s see him share THAT to his friends.

Twillow · 01/01/2022 16:53

@HacerSonarSusPasos

I read it, but like a lot of the OPs comments I'm not 100% what the issue is. She could have asked the question before she got sexually active if she wanted that reassurance. What did she mean about men rushing her in the past?
I'm not surprised he was defensive, they are in the early stages of a relationship and she's gone all drama/betrayed/neglected on him over him deciding to be on his own on NYE.