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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel so sad 🥺

185 replies

Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 09:34

Hey ladies

Have spent NYE and today fairly upset
I have been seeing a guy 36/M for a month or two
We had sex on Thursday night and I stayed over - he asked me if I wanted to go to his for New Years eve as he would be by himself with the dog

I was so excited

Anyone the morning after first time sex things seemed normal and he said ‘i will see you later’. Anyway I texted him to ask if we are still on for tonight in the afternoon. No response. He called me about seven to say he had decided to spent the evening alone as he had such a tough year.

He asked if I wanted to see him Sunday instead.

I said OK. This lead to a brief conversation about relationship - It was very light and brief and just involved is both agreeing we are not seeing others and he says ‘he is just going with the flow’ and ‘barely thinks about a future’.

I tried to make NYE plans with others but was so upset that I just ended up having glass of wine and going to bed.

He did not text me again over night and no communication this morning.

I am so upset

AIBU

🥺

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:36

And as OP just stated - who cares at this stage. OP is clearly resilient - she's gone from feeling so sad to not giving a crap in the space of a few hours. Back on the horse OP!!

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:36

[quote Twillow]@HacerSonarSusPasos

I read it, but like a lot of the OPs comments I'm not 100% what the issue is. She could have asked the question before she got sexually active if she wanted that reassurance. What did she mean about men rushing her in the past?
I'm not surprised he was defensive, they are in the early stages of a relationship and she's gone all drama/betrayed/neglected on him over him deciding to be on his own on NYE.[/quote]
Men have rushed me into engagements and living together in the past.
They have also rushed me into relationships.

I know what that feels like so would never ever do that to another - which is why I wanted a quick chat. It was not his response to my questions, it was the way he said it. Very arrogant and smarmy, like I was desperate. It was utterly humilating.

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:39

As a matter of interest Sammy, what prompted you to get into a discussion about the 'relationship' at that particular moment? and boundaries? Was it honestly just because he changed his mind about NYE?

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:40

🤣

I did not think it was a serious relationship whatsoever - it is not about that. It was the WAY he spoke to me and his manner. I can assure you. I would not see a man like this as serious relationship potential whatsoever. Lack of respect, communication and boundaries - what really would be the long term point. 😂

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 01/01/2022 17:40

IMO it’s totally reasonable for him to want to take a rain check on NYE if he’s had a tough year. Many people have had a really really tough year due to covid. This wouldn’t be a red flag for me at all. I think you’ve been the unreasonable one here, rather than showing him some understanding you’ve put him over the hot coals questioning his intentions, then posted here fretting about it all. You’ve only been seeing him 1-2 months so a matter of weeks.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:43

No there was a couple more red flags.

Its done now anyway.

As another poster said - he got what he wanted and did not like me very much. So I think its best to just leave it and say no more TBH

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:43

@Summerfun54321

IMO it’s totally reasonable for him to want to take a rain check on NYE if he’s had a tough year. Many people have had a really really tough year due to covid. This wouldn’t be a red flag for me at all. I think you’ve been the unreasonable one here, rather than showing him some understanding you’ve put him over the hot coals questioning his intentions, then posted here fretting about it all. You’ve only been seeing him 1-2 months so a matter of weeks.
I agree but theres a bit more to it than that.

X

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:45

@Gilda152

As a matter of interest Sammy, what prompted you to get into a discussion about the 'relationship' at that particular moment? and boundaries? Was it honestly just because he changed his mind about NYE?
No theres a bit more to it than that.

He is seperated - not fully divorced. He told me he got his ex a Christmas present and meet up for her for coffee every couple of days. They co parent a dog. Very elusive about when they will get divorced.

He never compliments me or provide any reasurance whatsoever - but I guess as another poster said, at least he is not love bombing.

Theres a bit more to the story than just NYE

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 01/01/2022 17:46

If you really like somebody and you've just started sleeping with them, then you are still up for it and enthusiastic.

Sounds like he isn't,

Did he ask if you'd like to see him like he's doing you a favour or if he could see you?

It shouldn't be like this and that's when you know it's a non starter.

5128gap · 01/01/2022 17:46

[quote Gilda152]@5128gap do you not think, particularly after the last two years, people are allowed to change their mind? If you don't, why? Do you take it as a personal insult if people change their minds? OP clearly had no other plans anyway so it's not like he disrupted her evening. He asked her on the morning of NYE is she wanted to come back round. He then decided he just wanted to be in with his dog on his own. She had stayed over for the first time and perhaps he wanted a little time to decompress (as many people do). OP wasn't best pleased with that and a discussion about the (2 month) relationship ensued and ending unsatisfactorily - who knew. It's not about respect. It's about adulthood. People can change plans within a few hours if they're not feeling up to being social. And other adults understand that. Don't they?[/quote]
You might understand it. I wouldn't, no. I'd not be offended, as id know it wasn't about me, but a characteristic of them, but one i wouldn't tolerate in a new relationship. None of us have the monopoly on feeling bad and having a hard time. There's few of us who haven't faced challenges this last year, and of course people want to cope with that in different ways. But as an adult I would expect someone to have the emotional maturity and foresight to either plan for that, and not make arrangements with me in the first place; or failing that, to be capable of managing their emotions to honour their commitments. Thats what I call adulthood.

bcc89 · 01/01/2022 17:47

For everyone saying he's entitled to cancel.. Yeah, he is, but he only invited OP on bloody Thursday. Hmm

inheritancetrack · 01/01/2022 17:47

He's either not interested, a player, or a bit flaky.

Either way, I'd move on.

Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:47

There usually is a bit more to the story than the initial post.

Well, you've made your mind up and you may well be right, enjoy 2022 and look forward to what it can bring. New year, new man!!

Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:48

@bcc89 he invited her on Friday.

HandWash · 01/01/2022 17:48

@Gilda152

The guy wanted a night in with his dog - very sensible choice for NYE , OP's overreacted to a change of plan and yeeted him in the bin.

You were only two months in OP and not too invested it seems, which is a positive in this case.

Oh come on! If you have sex with someone for the first time, arrange another date the next day (NYE!) and then cancel at the last minute because you can't be bothered, that's spending a very clear message.

It's hardly how you treat someone you're interested in and trying to impress. He's practically begging to be dumped if you ask me!

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:50

@RiverSkater

If you really like somebody and you've just started sleeping with them, then you are still up for it and enthusiastic.

Sounds like he isn't,

Did he ask if you'd like to see him like he's doing you a favour or if he could see you?

It shouldn't be like this and that's when you know it's a non starter.

Like he was doing me a favour.

It is not about the sex, the NYE cancelling plans it was about his attitude when I asked him where things were going.

‘I have not blocked you yet’ - being the cracker.

I think not replying to him today will suit him fine if I am honest. He probably has not even noticed.

OP posts:
LowlandsAway · 01/01/2022 17:51

‘I am not going to block you yet’

Said to you during a post-sex exclusivity talk? Ugh, negging smugness is so unattractive in a man, drop this one like a hot bag of shit and have a great 2022 meeting other men.

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:53

@LowlandsAway

‘I am not going to block you yet’

Said to you during a post-sex exclusivity talk? Ugh, negging smugness is so unattractive in a man, drop this one like a hot bag of shit and have a great 2022 meeting other men.

This is what I mean.

It was smarmy and smug.

It was not the content of the talk it was the way he spoke to me and treated me. I was like Pikachu face - who does he think he is.

I have not replied to his message today and I think that is the best way to deal with these creatures.

It would not surprise me if him and his wife split due to infidelity or something now.

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:54

@5128gap Interesting. I lost my dad to Covid. Not a single part of me was interested in NYE's celebrations. In the moment I felt better and I went out and I came home when I had enough, probably earlier than anticipated. I listened to my emotions and dealt with them in the moment, I didn't plan how I was going to feel and how I should potentially suppress that so I could people please. Nobody who cares for me questioned my motives or movement, or emotional maturity or respect for them, or indeed my adult status. Empathy is such an individual trait though.

Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:55

@HandWash it was the same day...

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 17:55

[quote Gilda152]@5128gap Interesting. I lost my dad to Covid. Not a single part of me was interested in NYE's celebrations. In the moment I felt better and I went out and I came home when I had enough, probably earlier than anticipated. I listened to my emotions and dealt with them in the moment, I didn't plan how I was going to feel and how I should potentially suppress that so I could people please. Nobody who cares for me questioned my motives or movement, or emotional maturity or respect for them, or indeed my adult status. Empathy is such an individual trait though.[/quote]
🙏🏻Prayers for you and your loss

OP posts:
Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:56

@Sammybammy123 what proceeded him saying "I'm not going to block you yet?" Now that I will agree is a dick thing to say, interested to know the context.

Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:57

@Sammybammy123 Thank you Star

HandWash · 01/01/2022 18:00

[quote Gilda152]@HandWash it was the same day...[/quote]
Anyone the morning after first time sex things seemed normal and he said ‘i will see you later’. Anyway I texted him to ask if we are still on for tonight in the afternoon. No response.

Not as I read it...

Original poster
Sammybammy123 · 01/01/2022 18:00

[quote Gilda152]@Sammybammy123 what proceeded him saying "I'm not going to block you yet?" Now that I will agree is a dick thing to say, interested to know the context.[/quote]
So I basicallh opened the conversation
You could tell I was anxious etc
I just said ‘look I do not mean to be weird or intense or anything like that but obvious we have spent a bit of time together now and I just wondered if you are seeing others - if you are looking for casual or relationship, I appreciate. You have had a long year as have I and nust wanted to get a feel where your head space was at really’ i also then said ‘i know you are not in a rush for anything serious quickly, same as I’

He quickly bevame defensive and deflective, and said ‘i will not block you yet’, ‘is this all because we had sex’ etc etc

I honestly wanted to burst into tears.

He humilated me. He made me feel so small.

OP posts: