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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a second baby would be too hard?

160 replies

justanoldhack · 31/12/2021 14:38

We had our first baby at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was so, so tough. We had no help from family or friends, barely any professional support. Our baby was really unsettled most of the time. Hours of crying, terrible napper, multiple night wakings, our marriage was pushed to the limit and I was so unhappy at times and thought we'd made a mistake. Things got slowly better with time, and now we are in a really wonderful place. Baby is so happy and sweet, is now a brilliant sleeper, we have a bit of our lives back (well, evenings), I'm not constantly stressed out anymore and feeling like I'm stretched to my limits... Life is good.

But now of course we're thinking about baby #2. I did always imagine having more than one, definitely not more than two. But I'm really scared of screwing everything up. I feel like adding a baby into the mix will out us right back to square one. I also don't understand how we would cope with a toddler + a baby... It was hard enough with just one. And that's without any 'big' complications (I mean, Covid was a complication but no health issues, great pregnancy and birth, etc).

I'm keen to hear from those who were unsure and had a second - what was it really like? Is there anything that you think would make it easier? We really need to make a decision soon. I feel like I want another baby, but I'm so worried about the day to day and whether we will be able to manage.

Thanks!

OP posts:

Yebbie · 31/12/2021 14:40

No advice here - same boat though! Really turned a corner with my two year old these last few months, sleeping well, just being an overall little diamond. We have our lives back, can take him to restaurants, leave him with my parents for the night.

Aaaand I'm pregnant goodbye evenings for another two years....

It will be hard, but it won't be impossible and for every tough bit there will be so many lovely bits. Atleast that's what I'm telling myself.

Thumbcat · 31/12/2021 14:47

Just from the other point of view, I felt like you and decided to stop at one child even though I'd always envisioned having two. As soon as the decision was made I felt at peace with it and have never regretted it for a minute. My only is 14 now and we've had the best times together.

Original poster

justanoldhack · 31/12/2021 14:50

@Thumbcat so pleased it turned out well for you! I know if we didn't have another it would be ok. We are totally head over heels in love and I suppose that's another part of it - how can you love another child the same?! It doesn't feel possible but I'm sure we're just being silly

@Yebbie congratulations! Part of me thinks, if you got through it the first time, you'll get through it again. I hope it all goes well for you!

OP posts:

StrongerOrWeaker · 31/12/2021 14:52

I felt like you and decided not to go ahead with having another one. I absolutely do not regret it. We already feel stretched enough juggling our daughter and our jobs. We really don't feel like we would have had enough time (and energy!) on our hands for more. As it stands, we feel we have the best of both worlds: a child + our 'normal' lives back. Parents around us who have more than one seem to have had to make some sacrifice one way or another (unless they have a lot of family support). Not that it is a bad thing, just different to what we have.
Our daughter is happy, has lots of friends (who we might struggle to arrange play dates with had we had another child).

sarah20212021 · 31/12/2021 14:53

Can you leave a longer gap? It makes a huge difference if the oldest is able to play independently, sleep through the night and be safely left on their own for a few moments while you attend to baby. A 2020 baby must have been hard, kudos to you for getting through it.

FolkSongSweet · 31/12/2021 14:57

I had my second during covid and honestly it was the worst time of my life. Looking back now I think I probably had PND but it was also just so hard with a 2 year old and newborn and no family support or anywhere to go for months on end through the bleak winter! I was absolutely desperate for another child and had enjoyed my first loads despite her being a difficult, high needs, non-sleeping baby. DC2 is now 1 and things are getting easier but DC1 (still difficult and high needs!) still hasn’t fully adjusted to it and while I hope they will get on in future it’s probably fair to say that so far the baby has only been a negative for her. So I guess I’d say that unless you are desperate for another baby there is nothing wrong with sticking with 1.

Playdoughcaterpillar · 31/12/2021 14:59

Why do you need to decide now? It will be easier and cheaper if you wait till no 1 is school age?

RussianSpy101 · 31/12/2021 14:59

I would stick with 1. Most people don’t have professional support with their babies, pandemic or not. It can be overwhelming for some and that’s why they stop at 1.
I’m glad things are getting easier for you now.

Original poster

justanoldhack · 31/12/2021 15:03

This is interesting! I was expecting people to say two kids is nothing, stop being such a wuss.

In terms of of why now @Playdoughcaterpillar it's due to our age mostly. We're already so tired!

OP posts:

Yacarita · 31/12/2021 15:06

I would recommend leaving a slightly larger age gap. I found every bit of independence and communication skill the older one has already gained, makes a big difference. Especially being able to leave your older one to play alone for a few minutes while you settle the baby for example. Being able to explain to the older one that you're just doing X and then you'll come and do Y etc. Older one sleeping through fairly reliably and happy to have daddy do their bedtime (while you're cluster feeding/ baby needs you in the evening)

Yacarita · 31/12/2021 15:07

Snap sarah !

BiscuitLover3678 · 31/12/2021 15:08

How old is your one? We’re similar. Well, our 2 year old still has really difficult moments with sleep but we’d still like a second.

Would first child be in nursery or school?

soughsigh · 31/12/2021 15:11

I have a 3yo and a 3mo. The 3yo was a colicy high needs baby who still doesn't sleep but we decided to go for a second because we really wanted 2. It's been a lot easier than I thought it would be, the 3mo is almost a dream baby and currently only wakes once in the night for a feed 🤞🤞🤞.

Only you can make this decision.

HippeePrincess · 31/12/2021 15:11

I had a just over 3 year age gap and I think I’d have found it easier with a smaller gap as dc1 had stopped napping and I had to get up to do the nursery run. But even though my second was a nightmare baby it was still easier going from 1-2 than 0-1 and I became a single parent when dc2 was a few months old and it was still easier with her and a 3 year old than it was with dc1. Had little family support either time and exh was useless throughout.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 31/12/2021 15:12

As other people have said, I think the age gap is a big factor. I think that if your first child has moved to more independence, sleeps through the night and has been through the starting nursery phase when they get sick all the time, then you are in a better place to cope with a second child. Maybe a 3 1/2 - 4 year age gap?

Yebbie · 31/12/2021 15:13

I think deep down you know if you want more or not. I had anxieties about it but ultimately it was what I wanted. Others had anxieties and felt relieved to not have more.

Don't let people talk you out of it if it's just fear, but don't feel like you have to have another just because that's what you originally wanted.

All the best either way

bonetiredwithtwins · 31/12/2021 15:16

Nah second babies aren't hard at all

If anything they are easier - you are more confidant, less anxious, body is already used to the lack of sleep

Franca123 · 31/12/2021 15:19

We have an 11month old and a 2 and a bit year old. It's been a really tough year but now it's feeling manageable and enjoyable. We're glad that we doubled up and now we can move forward. Hoping to make the house nice now.

Franca123 · 31/12/2021 15:19

Both mine sleep though......

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/12/2021 15:23

I’m not going to say you are a wuss, @justanoldhack - but I will say one thing. I honestly believe that you have learned so much from the experience of having your first child, and that knowledge and experience can make coping with the second child easier. You know the time saving tricks, and you are much more confident handling a newborn, second time round, because of the experience with No1.

But I can also appreciate how much harder things have been for you, having your first baby in a pandemic, and if that means you don’t feel ready for a second baby right now, then that is the right decision for you. And you don’t have to say no second baby ever, you can just say no second baby right now - and maybe in a year or so, things will have gone back to normal, and you may feel ready then.

SandraWilson1969 · 31/12/2021 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LincolnshireLassInLondon · 31/12/2021 15:28

We are in a similar boat. We had DS in April 2020 so during lockdown 1. Family were too far away to bubble with / meet for a park walk and we've not long lived in our area so we were very much an isolated unit for all of DS's first year. My god last winter was tough! We are all in a far better place now than this time last year.

We have tentatively decided to TTC in the new year. I'm 36 and DH is 34 and we took 2 years to conceive last time so I kind of feel like if we're going to have a second, we need to get on with it. We've talked about it and thought about it loads and I'm under no illusions that having a second would be easy, but we do think it's what we want. I totally understand the decision to be happily one and done though, and quite possibly it won't happen for us and we'll be happy with our one.

It's a difficult thing to decide - pros and cons each way.

If you're younger than us, or perhaps didn't struggle to conceive last time, could you give yourself another year or so to think about it?

Babdoc · 31/12/2021 15:31

I was pregnant with my second baby by the time the first was 7 months old, OP!
Yes, it was gruelling, especially as DH died just before the new baby's first birthday, but it gets all the nappies/teething/sleepless nights/tantrums out of the way in one fell swoop.
That was 30 years ago - I raised both DDs alone and never remarried. It was tough, but we got through, and they are lovely adults.

CuteOrangeElephant · 31/12/2021 15:34

@SandraWilson1969 can't tell if you are serious or not, but that is ridiculous advice. A big family didn't stop my dad from leaving my mom with six of us to care for.

OP, if you aren't sure I would wait. My first was a really difficult baby and only now she's 4 years old do I feel ready for a second. It's so much easier because she can entertain herself and take basic care of herself and also understands if something needs to wait for five minutes.

TheToddlerLife · 31/12/2021 15:34

Following with interest. We're in the same boat and currently going the same thought process. Not only about how we'll manage practically, but financially too - nursery fees are so high and then eldest would would need wrap around care too once at school. But, have always wanted 2. What age are you now? Could you wait another year or do you absolutely need to make a decision now?

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