To think a second baby would be too hard?

[justanoldhack]

We had our first baby at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was so, so tough. We had no help from family or friends, barely any professional support. Our baby was really unsettled most of the time. Hours of crying, terrible napper, multiple night wakings, our marriage was pushed to the limit and I was so unhappy at times and thought we'd made a mistake. Things got slowly better with time, and now we are in a really wonderful place. Baby is so happy and sweet, is now a brilliant sleeper, we have a bit of our lives back (well, evenings), I'm not constantly stressed out anymore and feeling like I'm stretched to my limits... Life is good.

But now of course we're thinking about baby #2. I did always imagine having more than one, definitely not more than two. But I'm really scared of screwing everything up. I feel like adding a baby into the mix will out us right back to square one. I also don't understand how we would cope with a toddler + a baby... It was hard enough with just one. And that's without any 'big' complications (I mean, Covid was a complication but no health issues, great pregnancy and birth, etc).

I'm keen to hear from those who were unsure and had a second - what was it really like? Is there anything that you think would make it easier? We really need to make a decision soon. I feel like I want another baby, but I'm so worried about the day to day and whether we will be able to manage.

Thanks!

Exacy the same boat. Dd is a vovid baby born April 2021. I'd like another but had PND and she still doesn't reliably sleep through at 9 months. I want a small gap to minimise my career disruption and to get the baby phase done in a smallish go.

The older I get, the more I wish I had a sibling.

I'm due my DD in 3 days, my DS is 18 months old! Definitley not planned, I really wasn't sure what to do at first as my DS was quite a high need newborn, lots of sickness etc. But I did always want another and now I have one!! Well I will in a few days. Under no illusion it will be easy and it will take lots of adjusting and 2 babies in a pandemic is hard!!! But ultimately the good always outways the bad for me. I lost my mum when I fell pregnant with DS and I think being a mum gave me purpose and definitley kept me around

We have a 2 year age gap. Everyone said that one child was a big step change, but two wasn't so much because you're already parents. In a way they were right, but fucking hell it's hard. It suddenly got easier when eldest was 2.5 and went through a development leap and youngest wasn't so intensely in need of the precise schedule she'd put herself on. But we have zero spare time and have to really, really work together as a team constantly. Sleep is terrible.

I don't understand how I'd cope if I was a single parent. We're happy together but I think about it all the time!

But they absolutely love each other and DD is just the most perfect thing ever. I love her so much. I'm expecting /hoping that things will get easier and easier (please god!)

I felt like you - had a difficult first birth (emergency c-section) and my son was a very difficult baby. Didn't sleep for 18 months and just never seemed happy. He got infinitely better after the 18 month mark.

I/we did think about having another but decided against it. I just couldn't face doing it all again and having another (albeit elective) c-section. Going back to sleepless nights when we had just got over it.

Our son has just turned 8 and I don't regret the decision to only have one at all. It's great -we have lots of fun together, can enjoy a meal out with him and have time to devote to him. He has lots of friends and enjoys cubs and swimming outside of school.
I have gained 2 promotions since he was born and I am about to start a third, so my career hasn't suffered but I think it would have had I had another baby.

If you aren't sure, I would wait a while.

Do you have support and can you afford nursery for the second? My second baby is now 11 months and older child is 3 1/2. I so wanted a sibling and still glad we did but it is tough. Your free time now disappears - with one it was still easier to still have some life away from the children. With two it's just harder.

But I wouldn't trade or not have done this. In the near future I am going to have two lovely boys chasing each other round a park, beach etc.

My first was a tough baby (non sleeping, feeding issue now speech delay), my second a delight - slept through from 10 weeks. We kept my older child in part time nursery and that is how I have coped!

The second baby is easy as you are calmer. But the first child gets harder as they become a toddler. I have an 18 month age gap and I'd be lying if I said it was easy. They are three and five now and it's still exhausting. Obviously there are loads of good sides like the fact they play together all day everyday but I am constantly in demand so it's not all that easy just yet. I don't regret it of course and I knew I wanted another so it wasn't a choice for me if that makes sense. I had to do it. If you are unsure don't as I 100% think you can have a better life balance with one. My friends with one still have more semblance of the life they had before kids. With two I think that's much more difficult.

@SeagullSong

I am a few years further down the road. Always wanted 2 or more but didn't envisage working full time alongside small kids and found it very stressful juggling everything. DS was a clingy baby/toddler and a bad sleeper. I hoped I would just fall pregnant again so the decision was made for me and it was just 'meant to be', but it never happened. We are now trying again but odds are low due to my age. If we can't have a second, I will grieve the family I pictured but I honestly don't know how I would have coped with a second when DS was small. I suspect my marriage and/or my mental health would have crumbled. I am lucky to have a healthy child and this will ultimately allow me to make peace with the way things turn out.

How old are you @SeagullSong ? Story sounds similar to mine (I'm 41, DC is 3)

My mum is an only child and hates it. Hasn't really ever forgiven her parents for not giving her a sibling and I see it does affect her life adversely. On the other hand I know friends who are only children and very happy.

It feels like to can't totally win - we can stay a family of three and have a calmer life with more money/better job prospects but always be thinking about the child we didn't have, or we can have two and have more chaos, less money, stunted career but... Maybe we wouldn't have his question mark over our lives? Or maybe that's happens whatever you do.

Thinking about this now as we had said we'd try again in the new year. Well, here she is! Happy new year!

I am also interested to hear from people much further down the line - if our parents are anything to go by, they just don't remember how hard those first few years were, and now in their older years are very happy they have several children

Really good nuanced discussion here, I remember back when I was contemplating number 2 all I got on and offline was the "second babies just fit in" line and even some "you can't just have one"

I'd recommend Sarah Ockwell-Smiths book on second children. There is a section about the pros and cons of different gaps too, it doesn't claim to have the perfect gap, it's more about making the best of whatever you end up with.

We ended up with 2 and a bit years and second baby being born during lockdown. The first bit was really hard and stressful though I didn't find the broken sleep and breastfeeding as hard with no 2. Maybe I was in the zone in away you're not with your first, it was also a more straightforward birth, I actually found being pregnant much worse than the postnatal period.

I didn't however find baby 2 "just fitting in" and I did often just have to leave DC1 to their own devices often with the TV when I would rather have not. This is where I can see the advantage to a bigger gap.

Weirdly what I found with 2 is that I resented my DH less as with one I was often stuck breastfeeding while he had free time. With 2 there is so much to be done that neither of you have free time for a while and it feels fairer

Thanks for this post, OP. I don't think I'll be adding anything to the thread but you wrote exactly my fears.

DH would like another- I, on the other hand, have a number of reservations, including the fact I'm sure I had a bit of PND with my DD (3), have a grand family history of PND/MH issues and honestly just didn't really enjoy the first year of DDs life all that much. It took me a long time to love her - but I love her to bits now and she's the best.

If I'm honest, the only reason I'd have another is for DH and for my DD to have a sibling. Which I've told DH and obviously we agree that's not the best way to be. We've given ourselves a two year limit, to see if I feel any different. We've agreed that we wouldn't want our age gap to be anymore than 5 years between them, so that we're not too out the loop with sleepless nights etc.

I hope you figure out what works for you, and ultimately, it's your choice. No two children are the same.

Just because you said you’d try in the new year doesn’t mean you have to decide RIGHT NOW. Give yourself some breathing room and put off making a decision if you can’t decide.

I don’t think there is a right answer here. Just because you struggled with the first doesn’t mean you will with the second - most people who didn’t have a unicorn “easy” first child find the second easy. But that doesn’t mean you have to have a 2nd. Maybe you won’t find it easy, maybe you’ll wonder what you were so worried about.

Ignoring the coping or not thing, what does your family look like in your minds eye (is that the saying?)? Are you comfortable with the way it is being the permanent status quo? My family is 100% complete, no doubt.
While I do occasionally entertain the what if of a 4th, I know in my bones we are done. For so many reasons. We didn’t get to choose if we had 2 or 3 as my 2nd pregnancy was twins. But I am 100% sure this is what my family was meant to look like.

I have a 2.5 year gap between DD1 and DD2 . DD2 was born January 2020 which was hard as we ended up stuck in our house with no help nearest family was in a different county and we were in county lockdown for most of 2020. My husband was gone 12 hours a day 5 days a week as an essential worker so it was pretty much me and the 2 kids alone ! It was hard hard work and some days I sat on the floor with DD2 screaming with colic ( DD1 was a much easier baby for me ) but now we are out the other side the girls are best friends and play together all the time it was worth it all .

We currently expecting DC3 and there will be a 2.5 year gap again between them . I’m just hoping by June things will be a bit better Covid wise ! Currently stuck in bed with it 🙈

I had 2 with a 2 year age gap. I knew I wanted them close together and it would have been sooner if I had my way.
Mainly because I have a sister who is a bit younger than me and we never really connected.

I think whilst you are in the baby toddler mindset I think it is easier to almost get it over with in one go than come back to it in a couple of years.
It also helps that they are into similar age group stuff, watch similar programmes on tv etc. You aren’t dragging an older child out to somewhere that is for a very young child and vice versa

You honestly do not have to have a second baby. My dad always said this to me when I was unsure.

I was set on one for a long time and I’m pregnant now with my oldest being almost 5. I’m pretty apprehensive how it’s going to change things but I’ve got to a point that it is better to do it now than ever being before now when she was younger. I was never going to be the two under two or two under three Mum. I’m an older mum this time round so it was a now or never situation. For me I know I’d regret not having a second but speak to me in a year 😂

I have not long had my second with a nearly 7 year age gap. It has it's moments, I miss the independence we had with just one, being able to get up and out etc but I think that's because of the age gap. That being said 2nd time round feels easier, more relaxed etc although still draining managing 2 kids. If I'm honest knowing now what I know I probably wouldn't have had a 2nd.

I'd always thought I'd have two but DH suffered a very serious injury and life worked with one worked and I was terrified to change it.
In the end we never actively tried but didn't do a lot to prevent it (number one took a long time).
Ended up with just over a four year gap. Not what I'd probably have chosen but it's worked out well. Older one could be trusted around the baby and could get me things when needed. Having him around part of the day really helped as he could chat by then and despite the age gap and being a boy and a girl they are totally the best of friends.
Best non decision we ever made

I had three under three. Pros - they all get on v well, once the crazy stage was over it was all over, didn't have to try and ferry one to school/nursery. Cons - all were dependent (all in nappies at one point!) So it was an intense time, didn't have as much one to one with them.
Conclusion: I don't think there's a right or wrong. Up to you on your lifestyle, finances, etc

It's really individual, only you can make the decision.

After years of infertility I had my first through IVF. We had other frozen embryos and so although I was worried about having a second for all the same reasons as you, I just powered through and went for it. DC2 was born when DC1 had just turned 2 and although it was tough at times, it was less of a shock to the system than having the first one. You're already elbow deep in nappies, bottles, toy cars, stickers, baby classes etc so it just adds to the chaos rather than begins it. The payoff is seeing the incredible relationship between the siblings, and as they get older, them entertaining and playing with each other.

When DC2 was 3.5yo I found I was pregnant naturally. A complete shock, 10 years after having been told we'd never conceive naturally I felt the fear ramped up to the max - I thought it would be hell having 3, and that I'd never be able to love another one. I had an awful pregnancy feeling like my life was over just when I was beginning to get back a sense of self.

Needless to say my DC3 is the absolute light of my life (now 3 months old) and has been the easiest, most contended, loveliest little bundle, adored by her siblings. You absolutely can and will love another child just as deeply as your first. My heart feels so full of love. She is a good sleeper though...

*contented

Do it op! I'm not saying it isn't hard at the beginning with two, it is! But you'll get to the point your at now again and your family will be complete.
You won't regret a second but you might regret not having a second! Especially if you pictured two!

Don’t let having a COVID baby put you off a second. I had my 3rd during COVID and I was fine as knew what I was doing but I always thought about first time mums and how hard it would be. You are so much more confident next time round and you know that any of the tricky phases will pass. Personally I can’t imagine having only one child. My boys are best friends and actually the fact that they have each other (older two are 6&8) it means less pressure on me and my husband to entertain them so we have more time to ourselves!

Thanks for all perspectives here, it's really helpful.

I think another big concern for us is the increased possibility (genetic) of having a baby with additional needs. I know many people have wonderful children with AN and wouldn't change them, but I know we would really, really struggle

Well I went for three two years apart each so not sure I am the best person to advise. But each baby got successively easier. Our first had so many health issues so the next two seemed a breeze after him. You are more relaxed with the Spence and as the world is more open now it will be less isolating. I only work part time which is prob all I can manage for a long time to come. Even when my third goes to school I will stay part time as school and activities are in some way harder to manage than nursery and I don’t want them to miss out just because they have siblings.
We get a little family help but increasingly less just because of parents aging and illness. We have the money to pay for babysitters and try to have a few on the go to call on to give us a bit of a life. I love that they have each other even if they do bicker. It’s depends what you want really. If you have more than one your life tends to revolve around family life but that’s what I wanted.