To think a second baby would be too hard?

[justanoldhack]

We had our first baby at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was so, so tough. We had no help from family or friends, barely any professional support. Our baby was really unsettled most of the time. Hours of crying, terrible napper, multiple night wakings, our marriage was pushed to the limit and I was so unhappy at times and thought we'd made a mistake. Things got slowly better with time, and now we are in a really wonderful place. Baby is so happy and sweet, is now a brilliant sleeper, we have a bit of our lives back (well, evenings), I'm not constantly stressed out anymore and feeling like I'm stretched to my limits... Life is good.

But now of course we're thinking about baby #2. I did always imagine having more than one, definitely not more than two. But I'm really scared of screwing everything up. I feel like adding a baby into the mix will out us right back to square one. I also don't understand how we would cope with a toddler + a baby... It was hard enough with just one. And that's without any 'big' complications (I mean, Covid was a complication but no health issues, great pregnancy and birth, etc).

I'm keen to hear from those who were unsure and had a second - what was it really like? Is there anything that you think would make it easier? We really need to make a decision soon. I feel like I want another baby, but I'm so worried about the day to day and whether we will be able to manage.

Thanks!

Less than 2 year gap I found tough as babies and toddlers. My friends with 3+ yr age gap seem to have much easier time.

Don't have a second unless you absolutely really 100% want it, two is very tough!

I know more and more people anecdotally who are stopping at one. I think a combination of how expensive kids are (!), people living further from family support and people having kids later in life all have a part to play tbh.
However we decided to have another and it's been broadly great. I don't have any of the panic I had with my first as we'd done it all before and felt more confident. It obviously helps that I had DS2 in May 2021 so the worst of the restrictions were over. Hats off to you for getting through 2020 with a baby OP.
I think though, for me, the key has been the age gap. The kids have 3 years almost exactly between them. It meant that my eldest was potty trained, slept through the night, could put this own clothes on etc... when DS2 arrived. He also really wanted to help fetching nappies and bottles etc... which in the first few months especially was all a god send.
And I have to say the moment my sons met for the first time was the most special moment of my life. I'll remember it forever.
Good luck with your decision - there are definite merits to both options x

My first baby was a nightmare, so unsettled and unhappy. She cried ALL the time. I stopped going to baby groups because she'd just scream and scream while all the other babies would lie there contededly. The comparison made me feel ten times worse! But she's grown in to the most wonderful girl! I was really scared to have a second child and didn't think I could go through it again. However, we did and he was a dream baby. Really peaceful and calm and slept well. Obviously you never know how your second will be. They might be even worse but what I will say is that the first year with your second passes in the blink of an eye. The first year with my first baby was the longest, most difficult year of my life. I barely remember my 2nd child being a baby. It just flew by! One minute he was a newborn, the next he was weaning, the next minute he was a toddler. Even if he'd been difficult I know it would have been so much easier. You just have a completely different perspective with your 2nd.

*Nah second babies aren't hard at all

If anything they are easier - you are more confidant, less anxious, body is already used to the lack of sleep*

I found my second MUCH harder. Trying to juggle two plus her difficult temperament, it was so hard.

If you really want another, I guess you manage.
I really didn't want another so I didn't have one, and my only is now 20.
Never regretted my decision.

I was really unsure about having my second, I found the first year of motherhood extremely tough. However, I fell pregnant again just as the first lockdown was announced and so the decision was made for me!

Of course everyone’s experience is different but I have found having two a million times easier than one. As PP have said you have more experience and confidence to draw on, and you can put everything into perspective.

It’s truly amazing to see the love my kids have for each other, my heart is is fit to burst every time I see them have a cuddle or see my eldest taking care of her little brother.

It is hard sometimes and chaotic all the time, but for me it’s been 100% worth it. I’m so happy that we took the leap.

Having said that, I know that if we had stuck at one, we would have been just perfect too. Whatever you decide, or whatever fate decides for you, it will be wonderful.

I knew someone who had a first baby like yours. They agonised over another and then went for it and it turned out their second was a breeze. It's obviously an unknown though!

I think you should have another but give it some time, no rush. Enjoy this one. I have a 2 year age gap which is lovely but I look at siblings with bigger gaps and think yes - that makes a lot of sense!

I didn't have a difficult baby but she was born just pre lockdown. I had decided I would only have one and then I got pregnant when she was 16 months.
It has been a horrific pregnancy with sickness that lasted well over 20 weeks. The most horrific PGP that meant I couldn't get up the stairs some days, was housebound with a toddler for the ending weeks of my pregnancy. I cried every day it was horrendous and I really really regretted getting pregnant. All of that alone would be hard but then I of course had my toddler, she's fairly placid but I felt unbareable guilty for how useless I was.
However...my baby is here now and he is wonderful. Still early days but he is a placid baby and having a newborn and a toddler is nowhere near as savage as I thought, yet.

So basically be prepared but ultimately who can regret a squishy new baby!

I waited til mine was about 5 to try again. Firstly, my body is not very good at getting pregnant I think, first was a total surprise and I feel belatedly very lucky to have them. After over a year, pregnancy ended in an ectopic. The day after the surgery I decided I was done trying. These days we home ed and another kid would make things more difficult, but I also think the now 8yo really would like a sibling. Or, they think they do. In reality my one kid has some additional needs (you'd probably not know, though he has some conversational quirks!) and still needs me to get to sleep, sleeps v late etc. It's not for want of trying to establish routines etc so I genuinely think it's for the best over here, but I still have some sadness over not having more. I've reached a point where I've accepted there is no best path with it. I've had people tell me they wanted to urge all their friends to stop at one. I've had others have a 2nd and feel it was a totally different, better experience. It's really hard to know. I waited because I knew I couldn't have coped, and this was pre pandemic. We've also been partway down a fostering pathway in the past, before DC was in school, but our house is a bit of a mare in terms of what we'd need to do, where bedrooms are etc so we didn't pursue it. It's on my list for the future. I worked with kids before, a variety of different settings, and I sometimes feel a bit lost - but I've also learned where my limits are and found time for myself. Little teeny pockets. Currently daring to think about what I want to do and how to squeeze in something just for me that I've wanted to do for a very long time. No easy answers... get it down on paper maybe. I find it hard to keep it all in my head when I try and think it through, it's like one of those blackboards in a maths department

Having typed all of that... I sometimes wish for another surprise pregnancy. But I remind myself how ill I was with the first and quickly come to my senses! I'd love the option to just grow one in a backpack.....

I’ve got a 2 Year old and a two month old if item known what I know now I would’ve waited but that’s my personal feelings

Your second baby won't be like your first baby. They're all different.

Your second baby might be a great sleeper! (Or not!)

A second baby is usually easier than the first, though, as you don't have to make all those decisions you made the first time - that's already done. e.g. breast or bottle? Co-sleep or not? Routine or go-with-the-flow? How on earth to you do shopping with a baby in a buggy? etc etc

You already know how you parent, and the solution to lots of logistical challenges, you don't need to work all that out again.

I’ve had 2 children basically on my own, with no help or support from their father or anyone else, it’s the one positive about basically being left alone throughout my childhood, I never look for support and don’t expect it so I just get on with it by myself including giving birth. I think it comes down to personality, mine is such that I’m my own village I accept I don’t have a life without the children, I’ve not spent more then a few hours (whilst at school/nursery) without them, never had an evening out, not had my hair done since I was pregnant with my oldest as no time/money spend everything I have on them. And I wouldn’t change it for a life without them, I love being a mum, it cost me a career, my home, my whole life really and ive don’t it all solo, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, i was scared when I fell again, having to do it all alone with no support and another child, but there was a decent age gap and my eldest has shone as a big sister and I feel even fuller and more content, I’m glad I ignored the dads plea for me to terminate and I get to experience all the joys (well!) of being a mum to another person one

2.5 years gap between DC1 and DC2.

I was very scared because I had a traumatic birth for DC1 with PTSD and PND.
But I really wanted a second child.

Best choice ever. DC2 was the puzzle piece we were missing.

I’m here contemplating #7 😬🤣🤣

We have a 2 year age gap - I found my second baby even easier than the first, and my first I found very easy despite the fact he was a nightmare baby! You have more confidence snd experience, snd you find generally they just fit in. I’m expecting my third and hope it’s as easy. The first two adore one another.

I had two in my 40s, and developed type 1 diabetes with the first so we did question having another. My family live abroad and his were not going to help (they didn't with his first two either), and my husband worked long hours and was frequently away. But my first was a 'good' baby in that he was happy and slept well. We had the next one 20 months later and she was much fussier and suffered from reflux so seemed like she spent much of her first three months crying. There were no health visitors with either child, though I did walk them to the clinic most weeks as something to do as much as anything!
So one baby may be totally different than the other. And you get through it because you have to. There are many happy sole kids out there, but I wanted mine to have a sibling and I couldn't imagine not having them both now. Parenthood is extremely hard - in fact I found babyhood they easiest phase. But worth it.

It's a lottery. You just have to decide whether to take the gamble. I have 2dc with a 2.5 year age gap, my youngest was 9mo at start of the pandemic.

You have to understand that you will have learned a lot and adjusted a lot, there's a much less steep learning curve second time because you know about caring for a baby, it's juggling two that is a challenge. It helps if your older one is at nursery quite a lot.

My second DC was an easier baby, made me realise how hard I had it first time round with sleep and feeding etc. You don't get any guarantees about whether you'll get a trickier one or easier one though!

In a way you'd probably get to go to baby groups and all the stuff you wanted to do first time round. I don't regret having a second but won't push my luck with a third! In some ways, two is easier than one. I think it can be a bit intense with a single child depending on you for everything, I can bounce between my two and they play with each other so the dynamics are interesting.

I was the same as you OP. DS1 was a nightmare baby in the early days. The one blessing was he slept through from early on.

We decided to have another. Our thinking was the nightmare stage didn't last forever. We knew what we were doing second time around and knew some things to do differently etc.

We have a two year age gap. DS2 was a much easier baby than DS2. But like I said, DH and I were more confident and patient second time around. I also knew it ended and I would tell myself constantly this will pass!

I am a few years further down the road. Always wanted 2 or more but didn't envisage working full time alongside small kids and found it very stressful juggling everything. DS was a clingy baby/toddler and a bad sleeper. I hoped I would just fall pregnant again so the decision was made for me and it was just 'meant to be', but it never happened. We are now trying again but odds are low due to my age. If we can't have a second, I will grieve the family I pictured but I honestly don't know how I would have coped with a second when DS was small. I suspect my marriage and/or my mental health would have crumbled. I am lucky to have a healthy child and this will ultimately allow me to make peace with the way things turn out.

I have no advise. It myst have been so tough with covid.

Sorry DS2 was easier than DS1!

Obviously everyone varies. My personal experience, with a 3.5 year age gap is you're basically just resetting yourself back to the start but everything that's easier is cancelled out by everything that's harder. I have (and am) finding it very hard and we have nearby grandparents. Didn't help lockdown started shortly after number 2 I guess. But it's hard dealing with a baby and a child who's dealing with their life being changed. And it was much easier for dh or I to look after 1 while the other had a break than look after 2. We certainly won't be having a third.
Neither of them liked sleep though. 5yo is fine now.