To think a second baby would be too hard?

[justanoldhack]

We had our first baby at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was so, so tough. We had no help from family or friends, barely any professional support. Our baby was really unsettled most of the time. Hours of crying, terrible napper, multiple night wakings, our marriage was pushed to the limit and I was so unhappy at times and thought we'd made a mistake. Things got slowly better with time, and now we are in a really wonderful place. Baby is so happy and sweet, is now a brilliant sleeper, we have a bit of our lives back (well, evenings), I'm not constantly stressed out anymore and feeling like I'm stretched to my limits... Life is good.

But now of course we're thinking about baby #2. I did always imagine having more than one, definitely not more than two. But I'm really scared of screwing everything up. I feel like adding a baby into the mix will out us right back to square one. I also don't understand how we would cope with a toddler + a baby... It was hard enough with just one. And that's without any 'big' complications (I mean, Covid was a complication but no health issues, great pregnancy and birth, etc).

I'm keen to hear from those who were unsure and had a second - what was it really like? Is there anything that you think would make it easier? We really need to make a decision soon. I feel like I want another baby, but I'm so worried about the day to day and whether we will be able to manage.

Thanks!

• Spence =second

When my DD was 7 months, we were going to start trying for another but then freaked out and realised I just couldn't handle two.
When DD was 8 months, I fell pregnant unplanned. I was absolutely devastated and terrified as I honestly didn't understand how people could physically look after two and any time I asked parents of multiple children for advice, they'd always say "you just get on with it" and it was so unhelpful!!
DD2 arrived and honestly, I found the jump from 1 to 2 easier than from 0 to 1. They kind of slot right in.
You're so busy running round after the toddler that the second child always tends to be more chilled as they realise they have to wait to be seen to 🙈

I found a sling was so helpful as I could have baby attached to me and my hands free for the toddler.

It is hard at first but as they get older, it gets so much easier. My youngest is 2 1/2 now and they're both such good friends and I'm so happy I gave my eldest a sibling.
Of course there are days when I want to stick them on the doorstep with a sign saying 'free to a good home' but 99% of the time, it's a complete joy having two.

We felt the same but as our DD wouldn't have any cousins we felt it was important to have a sibling as we were worried they'd not have any family after our days! Best decision ever. Love both children equally but with my second I felt so much more confident and therefore enjoyed the experience much more. Told my eldest all three of us were having a baby to give her involvement and she was so excited for 'her' baby to come. They've always been best friends, now 10 and 13.

I think looking at the bigger picture might help. DS born 2019 and like you, I always thought I would have two, but now feel that I cannot face it. When I think about it what I can't face is the newborn years. I would happily have another 1+ year old. So the question I need to ask myself is: is the family I wanted worth a year from hell? I'm not sure yet! But I do think that reflecting on exactly which part you're fearing is helpful.

Our first baby sounds very similar to yours. It nearly broke me & our relationship. He cried all of the time. We were told it was colic then reflux but nothing helped, he just grew out of it.
He is now 3, still not a great sleeper though.
We have just had our 2nd child who is now 6 weeks. & the difference between them is unbelievable. Yes it's early days & it's still tiring but nothing compared to my son. She is very settled & does not cry hardly at all, unless there's a real reason.
I was so scared to have another child. I didn't think I would be able to go through that all again, if she was the same baby, so I understand your worries.
Only you can decide what is right for you.

Society goes all out to sell the ideal family as being two adults, two children. If you're happy as you are, and you're worried you wont cope with another then if i were you I'd really think hard about why you want another baby. What will another baby bring that you don't already have? What will it take away in terms of resources (mental and physical resources) Of course you'd get through it, once baby/babies are here you have no option but to get through it regardless. But at what cost?

I stopped short of the number of children i thought i would have because it's bloody hard and at the moment i am just about managing to be a good mum to mine most of the time. Any more and our daily lives would be so much harder and i don't think it's fair on the existing children to have parents who are constantly stressed. Most people decide how many kids they think is ideal before they have any. It's absolutely fine to revisit that decision once you know what having kids is actually like.

It's quite a short term view, but part of it comes down to how many years are you both willing to put into 'hard-core parenting', which I'd say is ages 0-4. Currently you are 3 years away from that. If you had another you are minimum 5, maybe 6 years away from that. I'm personally really glad I only had 4 years of it (one DC) as I hated it, despite loving DS greatly and having supportive DH. For me it was a quite selfish reason to stop at one. I'm sure I'd have managed somehow but I know I would have paid a very high personal price. I'm just not someone that enjoyed early years of kids or being in mum mode all the time.

The second baby is easy as you are calmer.

I see this a lot on MN. It's quite a sweeping generalisation and while it may be true for some, it definitely wasn't my experience and I can't be the only one.

We had DS when our DD was 4yo. In theory it should have been ideal, easy pregnancy followed by a lovely birth and easy recovery. DD was pretty independent and had just started school so I had time with the baby during the day. But I found the reality of going from one child to two incredibly hard, which came as a shock having been assured by so many people that second babies are easy and "just slot in". DS was definitely not easy- reflux, feeding issues, would scream unless I was holding him and walking up and down constantly (but hated the baby carrier), horrendous sleeper, wouldn't nap unless it was on me. Someone upthread said second time round it's easier as "you know all the tricks"...well, DS obviously didn't get that memo as none of the tricks that worked for DD worked for him. I felt like a clueless FTM again because he was such a different baby from my first, everything I thought I knew was suddenly wrong. I was exhausted and wracked with guilt that I had no time or energy for DC1. I found it much harder to shift the baby weight after the second which affected my confidence. Having a second child definitely tested our marriage, whereas I don't think the arrival of the first baby did, if anything it brought us even closer. I developed PND (another shock as I didn't have it with my first) which is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I loved DS every bit as much as I loved DD (you think it's not possible, but it really is) but it was the hardest time of my life and took me to some very dark places if I'm being honest.

DS is now 3yo and things are getting easier although I'm still permanently tired, but I think that's par for the course working FT with two DC. He's a bright, happy, affectionate little boy who makes us laugh every day and DD dotes on him. But the toddler stage has also been challenging and some days are still very hard feeling pulled in two different directions. Although we adore DS, DH and I both recognise that life would be much easier if we had stopped at one.

So the question I need to ask myself is: is the family I wanted worth a year from hell?

@AgathaAllAlong, ime that year feels shorter than with first DC because you’re busier. (DC3’s baby year went in the blink of an eye )

You won't regret a second but you might regret not having a second!

I'm sorry, but this really annoys me. How could you possibly know this? OP could regret having a second. Or it could be turn out to be wonderful, or it could be somewhere in between. The point is you don't know how you're going to feel until it happens to you, so a stranger on the internet definitely can't tell someone how they're going to feel.

I see this so often on MN "you only regret the children you don't have". It's just not true. There have been many threads on here over the years from parents who wish they hadn't had DC or that they'd stopped at one.

My second is in alot of ways an easier baby and I love him so so much. I always wanted a big family. I don't exactly regret having two but it's harder than I expected and I now really see the benefits of just one in terms of relationship with them.

I had my 2nd just before covid hit, a 2yr age gap. Going from 1-2 was so hard, much harder than I expected. The newborn and toddler bit was fine. My second was an easy newborn and slept well and I knew what I was doing. In my experience it's the 6months-18 months bit that is the hardest when you feel like you are always feeding them or cleaning up after, stopping baby from eating what theyre not supposed to, whilst trying to give the 2-3 year old some attention. Add in lockdown and for me it was a recipe for delayed PND that I'm only just coming out of.
My 2 have a wonderful bond and it was absolutely worth it, and most of my issues were covid related. They are now 4 and 2 and play well together and it's getting easier every day. I would also still like a 3rd, but never while the prospect of a lockdown is still possible, and not with a 2 yr gap again!

Time, cost, help
All considerations for number 2.
Once the kids have left home will you have finances for a pension. do you want to retire before 67?
It's ok to have one (it's ok to have more)

I found ten second one waaaaaaay easier. I was more chilled so baby was more chilled. He fitted into our lives, now he’s a toddler that’s when it’s hard!! I’m a strange one though love the new born stage and first year find the toddler years more challenging

I’d agree with what many of the other posters have said and just go for leaving a longer gap, especially if the experience with your first was difficult. In my experience and what have seen among friends/family, those who waited at least 3-4 years seem to find having a 2nd a much more positive experience

Just do it!
It might be the easiest baby ever.

Some people say wait but then you might end up with a an unbelievable annoying threenager and a baby ?

You never know what the future holds.
An "only" you'll always have to entertain. If you have 2 kids they can play together and have such nice memories growing up together

Or they'll fight all the time

Haha. You just never know.
But it might be better nor having to live with the "what if" ...

OP, if you do decide to go for a second then I would strongly advise that you and your DH discuss in advance how you're going to make sure you each get regular, equal time to yourselves. With one child it's generally easy to give each other a break. With two it can be trickier. I know several men who suddenly developed a passion for golf or cycling not long after their second child arrived!

@Marvellousmadness

Just do it! It might be the easiest baby ever.

Some people say wait but then you might end up with a an unbelievable annoying threenager and a baby ?

You never know what the future holds.
An "only" you'll always have to entertain. If you have 2 kids they can play together and have such nice memories growing up together

Or they'll fight all the time

Haha. You just never know.
But it might be better nor having to live with the "what if" ...

What's wrong with a three year age gap? That's a normal gap

I had the exact same thoughts- decided to stop at one and get a cat! I read a research study (I’ll post a link if I can find it again) that looked at parents happiness depending on how many children they had. It basically showed that for mothers their happiness increases a lot with 1 child and decreases with each subsequent child. For men their happiness increased for the first and I think stayed the same for subsequent children. Obviously that isn’t true for all families but it was a really interesting read and helped me make my decision.

researchaddict.com/second-child/

I don’t think I could have had just one. My anxiety when Dd was not in my eyeline was through the roof. It sort of halved with Ds but is still there even though they are both adults

Got a 2.5 year old, I feel I will be more confident as a mum 2nd time round

@neverbeenskiing only offering advice!
Op said she had hoped for two children. Yes I know there are some people that might regret a child, but I think the majority don't. Just my opinion. Two children can be completely different personality wise.
I think it's much more likely that she wouldn't regret having a second, especially not in the long run! I think it's always hard bringing another baby into the world but it does tend to get easier. Op if you want another baby, then go for it! Things may be hard for a while, but it will get easier. But don't rush a decision if you still have time on your side.

@bonetiredwithtwins

Nah second babies aren't hard at all

If anything they are easier - you are more confidant, less anxious, body is already used to the lack of sleep

Hahaha..! Hahahaha.! You obviously didn't meet my DD.. DS was not too bad but DD was a very very unhappy baby... Cried non-stop for nearly 6 months...

@neverbeenskiing I think your DS and mine were from the same shelf. It's very hard! And very good thought re making sure we discuss equal time off beforehand. There is 100% no way he's becoming a weekend hobbyist. Honestly, how do those men sleep at night?

So much food for thought here. It's been hugely helpful because it's become clear to me while reading through this that it feels like despite all the VERY GOOD reasons not too, my mind feels like it's already made up... I feel like we have so much more love to give, and despite all the truly terrible times, in the end, we're actually not doing too badly at this. I'd like to try for another, but I guess the question is age gap (if my ovaries play ball, of course). I'll check out the book someone mentioned upthread.