To think a second baby would be too hard?

[justanoldhack]

We had our first baby at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was so, so tough. We had no help from family or friends, barely any professional support. Our baby was really unsettled most of the time. Hours of crying, terrible napper, multiple night wakings, our marriage was pushed to the limit and I was so unhappy at times and thought we'd made a mistake. Things got slowly better with time, and now we are in a really wonderful place. Baby is so happy and sweet, is now a brilliant sleeper, we have a bit of our lives back (well, evenings), I'm not constantly stressed out anymore and feeling like I'm stretched to my limits... Life is good.

But now of course we're thinking about baby #2. I did always imagine having more than one, definitely not more than two. But I'm really scared of screwing everything up. I feel like adding a baby into the mix will out us right back to square one. I also don't understand how we would cope with a toddler + a baby... It was hard enough with just one. And that's without any 'big' complications (I mean, Covid was a complication but no health issues, great pregnancy and birth, etc).

I'm keen to hear from those who were unsure and had a second - what was it really like? Is there anything that you think would make it easier? We really need to make a decision soon. I feel like I want another baby, but I'm so worried about the day to day and whether we will be able to manage.

Thanks!

@justanoldhack You always know deep down if you're done or not! Honestly I'm pregnant with my second at the moment and of course I'm scared but we get through because we just will. Some of the newborn days seemed impossible. Some of the worst periods of sleep deprivation felt like they'd last forever. They didn't! Going in this time we know that, and it'll make it all the easier

I really didn't want a second after having DD but DH sensibly suggested
not making a decision then, keep the baby stuff and wait a bit. We couldn't have afforded any less than a 3 year gap anyway because of the childcare cost. I had a chat with my GP at my annual check up about how long I realistically had (42 apparently to be in with a reasonable chance of getting pregnant - DH is also quite a bit older than me) and whether the health problems first time round would reappear (yes, almost certainly).

Then lockdown happened. DH was suddenly on shielding list, and I was so so glad we hadn't had child. Yes, DD was lonely and miserable without another child to play with in the first lockdown, but a small baby wouldn't have made any difference to that.

We got rid of the baby stuff last year. I'm now 42, still no interest in a second child (I still react with horror if I see a newborn, I found it so hard first time round!) and DH now agrees with me! DD is now 6yo, popular, friendly and outgoing. I have been able to make a fantastic career move, which I couldn't have done with a second child to consider.

So, no regrets. I do bear in mind that my great-gran had a surprise last child aged 46 and am taking precautions this doesn't happen to us...

I’m another who always wanted more than one. Originally I wanted 4!!! When DD was 2 we discussed another kid and decided after 6 months of tough talking that we’d stop at one. I revisited the decision a few times over the next 3 years before finally disposing of the crib. DD is 10 now and I love love love her and sticking at one was definitely right for her and me.

Are you under time pressure? If not, why not wait to see how you feel when baby is older?

I dither about this a LOT. DS is 2.5 and was the easiest baby ever. he used to sleep 5 hour stretches from a few weeks old so I was never sleep deprived, my body went back exactly as it was pre-baby with not even a stretch mark and he's now a toddler who eats everything (except cauliflower ) and sleeps 10 hours a night.

I had an absolutely horrific pregnancy though - HG and terrible pre-natal anxiety and depression, so my two worries are 1) My pregnancy might be even worse and 2) I might then also run out of luck and get a nightmarish colicky non-sleeper.

I also found the baby stage deathly boring, but a LOVE having a toddler, he's my favorite little buddy and we have the best adventures together.

Anyway. Still dithering. DH is raring for a second but I said we have to at least get DS potty trained first because so refuse to have HG and have to deal with nappies . That's my stalling tactic for now - I've probably got about another 2 weeks left.

I have an almost 5 y gap. It meant we didn't have a baby and toddler at the same time. There was no jealousy. They are so close. Such a good age gap.

And yes you definitely can love the 2nd the same. I mean there are maybe certain times I've preferred one over the other but overall I love them both the same.

I have a 4.8 years gap as we dithered for ages and then nature made the decision for us. Mine are both young adults now but I haven’t forgotten the early days and I can only imagine how hard it was in the Pandemic.

Second was easier than the first . We had very little support when they were little them things got very much harder as all our parents got illl. At one point we had one who had a hip replacement a few days before Christmas then just as coming out the other side of that my Dad said he had cancer on January 7th and my MIL on 21st January .

We were very much sandwiches between children and sick parents and it’s been extremely difficult. I don’t regret having 2 and now they are adults they get on well and are supportive of each other which is lovely to see. It’s a lottery though as my Brother and I have an identical gap and don’t get on . Tonight having said that I worked very hard to encourage my DC’s relationship whereas my Mother played us off against each other.

I had my 2 dd two years apart in my early twenties both were pretty good sleepers, eaters etc I had lots of support so the transition from one to two never felt that hard. 12 years later I had a third in late thirties and it was a totally different situation, I had less energy, due to circumstances we had less support, he slept terribly had lots of problems it took until he was about 4 for me to start to feel human again. I think it was a combination of being older, less support and's generally more difficult child that made it harder.
Assuming your circumstances will be same in terms of support etc I would suggest waiting til dd is 3/4 so bit more independent. Having a second child isn't twice as hard but it is harder than just one. It may be that second one is easier than first but it is unknown. Also waiting a bit will give you time to see how having one child feels.

@justanoldhack how did it pan out?? Contemplating the same dilemma now..

One of the reasons I’m glad I had twins is because the decision of whether to ‘do it all again’ was out of my hands. I can’t imagine having to go back to pregnancy and baby stage with a toddler. It makes me shudder.

I’d love to read an update from OP, too!

@Tor88 I know not all sibling relationships are wonderful, but it’s good to allow the possibility 🙂

Your mental health is important. One is enough

As a general rule, I don’t think one is enough, actually. Imagine what a world of only children looks like: few siblings, vanishing aunts/uncles and cousins, too few working-age adults to support the elderly. Not sure whose mental health that’s good for Even at the level of the individual, being an only child with two ageing parents isn’t something to aspire to.

I took 6 years to try for a 2nd. My oldest is autistic and was a real handful. I eventually decided if I didn't I never would, I had my daughter and it's the best decision I ever made

I'm 36 and had two miscarriages before my first so I really need to get on with trying, but I just can't face it :( :( I've found it all so relentless, I love my boy so so much, but we have two busy full time jobs between me and DH, no family around, I just dont understand how people have two. I just don't get it. I respect it very much, but howwww. It's always what I imagined though, it breaks my heart that I'm even considering not doing it. But I don't want to have a breakdown/get divorced/be a shit mum to the baby I do have

How old is your DS now, @Tor88?

@SomethingOnce about to turn 19 months

One is definitely enough, don't let anyone guilt you as people love to try. So many siblings don't get on or even bother, they aren't guaranteed friends.

Ok, so not a baby by the time any sibling rocks up.

What does your DH think? What does he want? Are you being dramatic about breakdown/divorce/shit mum stuff? If these are real risks then I understand your hesitancy.

Having two little ones isn’t necessarily the easiest few years of life, but they’re not little for long and they’re at school before you know it. As they say, the days are long but the years are short.

What does your ideal future look like? What trade-offs (it’s all about trade-offs) are you comfortable with?

In terms of howwww, I don’t know. If it’s what you want, you muddle through. As did everyone who came before us. I’m not convinced it’s worth sacrificing the idea of siblings and larger families to try and approximate perfect parenting and maintain a ‘lifestyle’.

My first was super tough.
He's 4, baby is 4 months old now.

Honestly it's been an absolute piece of piss. Absolute joy. Easy baby. DS taken it all in his stride.

It helps that DP got 3 months paternity leave. DS was with ExDH who was a useless abuser, DP is an incredible father and partner.

Honestly it's been an absolute piece of piss. Absolute joy. Easy baby. DS taken it all in his stride.

This is good to hear, @Unrelated38. It’s not always a slog, but people hesitate to boast so you tend to hear more from those who struggled; it skews the picture.

@Tor88 hello! Yes we did have another. They're 4.5 and 2 now. We mainly did it to give the older one a sibling - and obviously there was no guarantee it would even work, so we left it up to fate. Ended up getting pregnant the first time we tried.

I wouldn't change it, but our lives are very hard. We heard people say things like "they just slot in" (like pp) but we didn't find this at all. For us, two is more than double the work. When you have one, one of you always gets a break. With two, it's full on, all the time, especially since my youngest is very clingy to me. However, I know that, objectively, our children are very high maintenance and need more input than others (confirmed by nursery workers, which was vindicating!).

My youngest is in some ways easier, in some ways harder. I was really hoping for a better sleeper - when #2 came along, I realised our first wasn't so bad after all 😂. That was really challenging and nearly broke us both. However she's generally more easy going when awake, very cheeky, very funny and her communication is fantastic. They are beginning to play together (but also squabble) which is heartwarming to see.

I think having a sibling has been wonderful for my first. I think she'd be a different child without her sister. It's brought out a lovely, caring side to her.

However, I get pushed to my limit on an almost daily basis (worse now as it's been the holidays with no childcare). I don't know if I'm just quite pathetic, but I am so challenged by them - the constant noise and mess, the never listening, the refusal to put coats on, the contrariness, the constant requirement to make meals which rarely get eaten, the screaming over trivial things. My youngest is now in terrible twos (which is actually sometimes quite delightful, two gets a bad rep!) and we have screaming tantrums to deal with now, which is totally normal and expected, but I find I just don't have much bandwidth to play with and it's my marriage that suffers.

We have very little family help, but my husband is a brilliant dad and partner and does a huge amount. We both have fairly stressful jobs and I think it puts so much pressure on these early years. I'm not sure that having both of us in work actually works for family life - although I wouldn't want to give it up. I don't know what the solution is to that. I dropped a day but it doesn't seem to go very far.

I can't wait until they're old enough for us to have some time back for ourselves, when we're no longer constantly worried about them killing themselves somehow. I think we are both running on cortisol, all the time, which can't be good for our health.

I think genuinely other families don't struggle as much as we do, and because every baby is unique, you won't be able to predict how you will cope. A lot of my friends have had "unicorn babies" for their second children (which are becoming so common that perhaps they shouldn't be called unicorns anymore 😂) and seem to be having a very chilled, joyful time. We have joy too, but in quite a different way! And even though I'm aware this has been quite a sobering update, we wouldn't change it, I have no regrets.

@justanoldhack really appreciate the honesty. I feel everything you're saying and I only have one!! I think the family unit wasn't designed to be made up of two parents with two full on jobs and no outside help, we're in the same boat, and I just don't know if I can cope with a second..I also only work 4 days and love my day with my son but it's exhausting and how would I do that with two?! I think we would be very similar to you, of course we would never, ever regret having the second baby because we would love it so much, but knowing how I coped last time around, I think I would be extremely overwhelmed. Our little one was a very hard baby (awful sleeper), but he's a lovely toddler with great communication skills and sleeps well (though yes he does tantrum), and I'm still at my wits end. I just don't know... I know there are a thousand pros and cons either way, and in my soul I know I would love a second and a sibling for my boy, but my rational brain is telling me that we might actually be happier (health, marriage, money) without it... I'd be banking on that unicorn baby if I do it 🫠🫠

Really appreciate the response. As everyone tells you I'm sure, once you're out of this phase it will all be worth it.... Xxx

Thank you for sharing your story. How terribly sad that your husband died when you were pregnant. What an amazing achievement raising them alone with a happy ending,