To think a second baby would be too hard?

[justanoldhack]

We had our first baby at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was so, so tough. We had no help from family or friends, barely any professional support. Our baby was really unsettled most of the time. Hours of crying, terrible napper, multiple night wakings, our marriage was pushed to the limit and I was so unhappy at times and thought we'd made a mistake. Things got slowly better with time, and now we are in a really wonderful place. Baby is so happy and sweet, is now a brilliant sleeper, we have a bit of our lives back (well, evenings), I'm not constantly stressed out anymore and feeling like I'm stretched to my limits... Life is good.

But now of course we're thinking about baby #2. I did always imagine having more than one, definitely not more than two. But I'm really scared of screwing everything up. I feel like adding a baby into the mix will out us right back to square one. I also don't understand how we would cope with a toddler + a baby... It was hard enough with just one. And that's without any 'big' complications (I mean, Covid was a complication but no health issues, great pregnancy and birth, etc).

I'm keen to hear from those who were unsure and had a second - what was it really like? Is there anything that you think would make it easier? We really need to make a decision soon. I feel like I want another baby, but I'm so worried about the day to day and whether we will be able to manage.

Thanks!

It's busy but my second just gets carted along with whatever me and the toddler are doing and he loves it I'd kill for a break, I have no help and it's non stop but they are lovely together and love each other so much, I'm so pleased I did it

It's a roll of the dice. My first was a very easy baby, so when we had a happy surprise when he was 13 months, we thought "we can do this". The second baby was much harder work.

My point is don't assume the second will be as difficult. You've also learned a lot from the first.

I have 2 and they are 16 months apart. I knew I wanted 2 and so just thought I'd get it out of the way (also I was older) . I found the newborn stage fairly easy with 2 as you realise how much newborns sleep (DC1 was still waking 3 times a night).

It was hard from 7 months when they really start moving until youngest was 2 and now they are older, it's amazing as they play together all the time. Yes they fight sometimes but seeing them play together makes my heart full and means I can drink a coffee in peace. I wouldn't change a thing.

And DC2 was a dream baby and nowhere near as much work as DC1.

Oh I’ve found it really hard. Our second is a lockdown baby and we already had a young toddler.

Having two has taken me the brink many times, it also tested our relationship so much. There were a lot of times we could barely look at each other because we were just so tired and worn down.

for me having two wasn’t twice the work it was 10 times the work, you physically struggle to comfort, feed, care for two babies at once. Especially when the youngest one begins to roll and move!

That said, we are out of the very hard couple of years now and I love that we have two. I love watching them together and my second is a total joy.

If you’re in a strong mental place, your relationship is strong and you can rely on your partner to be 50/50 with everything then it’s do able and honestly, every day is a new day and it gets easier week to week to week.

Lots of families have twins or multiples or 3/4/5+ children so I do think it comes down to personal capacity to cope and the ability to see the good stuff even when you’re bone tired, sick to death of everyone and still wearing ydays clothes!

Do you live with your partner, op?

I think picture your family after the baby years and how does it look. For us, it was definitely worth the harder baby years (less than two year gap) to have two children and for them to have a sibling. I found the second much easier but that was luck rather than anything else.

Hello,

My DS is nine months old and it was also so, so tough as you said! I had PND though but still hard and while my parents were amazing, they also work full time.

I always wanted a big family and I won’t lie for a while after DS was born, I was like no more! After he turned around 3 months, I got better; my medication started working and things just got easier.

I also worry about going through all that horror again with more babies but the truth is a few months of tough times is worth it for me to have a forever time with lots of kids.

I do want five kids though and that’s me even though the newborn phase does scare me a bit.

I am sure either way you will cope! It will be hard but you may be better prepared this time around. No one can judge you either way. It’s really your own decision and I just wish you and your family a world of happiness.

We had three dreadful sleepers but age gaps of 3 and 5 years. Got started very late too! My feeling is that the really small age gaps which have been the fashion for the last couple of decades are parent killers and mean you don't enjoy your children as much as you could.

That's a lovely uplifting post. It's wonderful that being your children's mother has brought you such joy

I wouldn't dream of having a second baby unless you really, really want one.

It is twice the work load, plus some.

You had a very hard time the first time and are finally coming up for air.

Only children are very happy contented children in my experience.

Think harder and longer before committing.

If you feel you would be fine with whatvyou have, I would be so grateful for what you have and feeling like that.

How wonderful to be content with what you have.

Also I would say If first bath was a nightmare, as mine was, the only way is up! I am constantly saying to DH what a pleasant surprise DS2 is and i know someone who had a very easy baby first and really struggled with the difficult second so it’s better this way around

It’s just a total gamble though. Having a nightmare first child does not mean the second will be easier. They could be exactly the same, or worse, plus you’d have to look after them while also looking after your first child, who may continue to be difficult!

Only have a second if you really really want one.

Thanks so much to everyone who has shared their experiences, I posted during lunch nap and then have been busy with toddler so only reading most replies now.

To everyone who says they had nightmare baby #1 and dream baby #2 - this is what I desperately, desperately hope for! But of course it's a gamble. We're both ask ourselves a lot: was it just us? Was it just that we couldn't handle it and most other people can? But honestly, I see my friends who have had babies since us, and I am gobsmacked at how easy and undemanding they all seem to be. Our baby was 100% different and the day to day stress and anxiety of dealing with it all completely undid us for a time. Surely a second would HAVE to be easier? (Or maybe I just make reflux babies!)

My partner is a fantastic dad, truly, he does 50%. But the one good thing about Covid, as awful as it was to be isolated from everyone, was that he was home the entire time and I never felt truly on my own. The very thought of him leaving the house and going to work and me managing alone makes me freak out. HOW do women do that? Have two weeks with their partner and then parent pretty much alone? I am so in awe of it, and I'm not sure I could do it if we had another difficult baby. I worry I would crumble. I think about single parents every day - just amazing.

I'm very interested to read lots of people suggesting leaving a bigger gap. Thankfully my baby now sleeps through, is pretty good at communicating with us, and I think potty training isn't far away as they know when they've done a wee/poo. So maybe all ducks will be in a row a bit sooner? Part of me just wants to get all these tough years out the way while we are still "young" (mid 30s* but already so, so tired).

I know no one can make this decision for me (apart from my body, which may well take all decisions out of our hands). We are besotted and I know we'd be ok with just one. So I guess we're very lucky in that way.

Can you love another child as much?! I know friends with two or more definitely admit to favourites!

Same boat, add into the mix I also want to return and do my masters so I can change career pathway.

I'm torn between having a second (and likely final) baby before I turn 30, and just cracking on with my masters which will be hard enough with one child and working!

I’ve 3 and I can hand on heart say I don’t have a favourite. Yes, you absolutely can love another child as much as your first.

HOW do women do that? Have two weeks with their partner and then parent pretty much alone?

Of course if I'd ended up as a single parent for any reason I guess you just get on with it because you have to, but IME what really was needed in those early days is for the Dad to do the nursery runs and the older one's bedtime. I honestly don't know how I would have coped without that. In the early early days DH was also the one playing with DS1, taking him to the playground, looking after him really while I was still recovering (and feeling unable to be away from my baby at all).

Go with what you think. I have two with a 5 year gap and I 50% love it, 50% regret it. They’re both amazing but fuck me… maybe if I had more support it wouldn’t be so hard 👍🏻

Reading with interest as we also had first baby April 2020 and a difficult birth abs recovery. After years of fertility treatment too. Currently considering ttc another but all the anxieties you have said are there for sure!

wait until the baby starts nursery and it will be easier.

Same boat here. Really don't know what to do, it feels very complicated. We had our first in July 2020 after ivf and miscarriages so it won't be easy to conceive again anyway. Same as you op with no support, it was bloody hard and that cold long winter was brutal.

We're in a good place now and DS is amazing and I feel incredibly lucky that we have him but I always thought we would have 2.

I also want to change career soon which would be so much harder with another baby and also so expensive doing ivf again when I will be reducing my income. I'm 39 so time is really ticking. I just hope whatever we decide (DP is absolutely leaning towards sticking with one) we don't regret it, which I think I will with one child.

Sorry this is of no help, but nice to know other people are thinking the same as us.

@LillyLeaf we also had ivf.

5 year age gap here - yes, was massively helpful that she could do lots of things for herself.
2nd child now nearly 3. The toll has been incredible. Regardless of covid, we are not fortunate to have family support and I bear most of the burden due to my partners longer and inflexible hours.
Nearly three years of absolutely horrific sleep deprivation and I don’t know how I’ve coped. My career has taken massive hit in terms of progression and missed opportunities due to exhaustion and not being able to put any extra in.
If I had family support and she’d been a sleeper it would have transformed these early days.
Think about what support you have, and how important interruption to your career might be.

It is really hard and so many pros and cons of how many you have and what the age difference could be.

We have a 4 year age gap and it’s been really hard. Dd was used to being an only child and having us to herself and struggles with huge jealousy even 2 years on. She really loves her brother but she regressed hugely and can be very jealous and spiteful toward him.
Also by the time we had DS we were 39 and 43 and frankly felt old and exhausted starting again!

But financially we couldn’t have tried sooner and also neither of us felt ready.

It is gradually getting easier as they get older….

Hey OP. We are age 37 and are due our 2nd baby. We waited til my DD was 4 before starting to try and conceived quickly luckily so the age gap has worked how we wanted it I.e 1 at school before the newborn comes along. It's so much easier then trying to pay two nursery bills and potty training + newborn etc etc. She's self sufficient and can play alone etc its brilliant I can't wait for her to be a big sister. We don't feel tired at all BUT that's because we're past the difficult age of her sleeping badly etc and all settled ready for the madness to start again. I'd recommend waiting a bit personally.