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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DM and DF they have to start living again

136 replies

marykitty · 31/12/2021 08:56

DM and DF have a deep, paralyzing fear of covid.
They are afraid to die, so they are not living anymore.
They are still young, 60 years old, 3x vaccine...they are still in deep lockdown, every single day since the beginning.
In 2 years i saw them maybe twice, after PCR testing (i am also fully vaccinated, and DH as well)

We had plan to see them beginning of january. We live far away and the plan was for them to come here and stay 1 week.
For them, we started to completely isolate ourself for 10 days...but it is still not enough, yesterday they called me and they canceled on us because they feel it's too dangerous.

I am heartbroken. I feel so sad for them. I feel so sad for my DCs. I want to scream at them and tell them that the years are not coming back. But would it be fair? Would it be the right thing to do? Should I "wake them up" or should I understand them?

We are very aware of covid dangers and we respect all guidelines (and even more, when I feel they are not enough) but we still need to live.

I miss my family. Since they canceled i am sort of avoiding their messages because I don't know what to say. They say they are very sad not to see us, and I believe them, i think they are just petrified.

To give more background:
I have a 2yo and a 2 months old kid.
My DM is an hoarder and they live in a 2 bedroom flat full of stuff.
We have a house with a guest room and separated bathroom, therefore is better if they come visit us.

OP posts:
BooksAndGin · 31/12/2021 09:02

Do they have health conditions that make them vulnerable?

ApolloandDaphne · 31/12/2021 09:04

Do they not go anywhere? Work, shops etc? Have they got any underlying illnesses or mental health issues?

I am not sure you can change their mindset but I can see why you feel sad and frustrated with them?

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2021 09:06

You can tell them anything you want but I doubt it will make any difference. It’s really sad and I understand why you’re upset. I would try and view it as a form of illness rather than anything personal against you.

Could you still go but see them outdoors? Stay in a local hotel?

Hoardasurass · 31/12/2021 09:06

Have they even met your 2 month old?

notanothertakeaway · 31/12/2021 09:06

I think you have to respect their concerns

Look at the thread about someone going to the pantomime despite a positive LFtest. There are lots of idiots around

My approach to covid has been cautious, and I've really appreciated the people who have respected that, rather than being dismissive

changeyourname11111 · 31/12/2021 09:06

How sad for all of you @marykitty. Would you be able to persuade them to change their minds?

Waspsarearseholes · 31/12/2021 09:07

Oh I'd feel the same as you, OP. I'd tire of this very quickly. I don't know what you can say to them though, but try to keep an eye on this irrational fear escalating or exacerbating existing MH issues.

notanothertakeaway · 31/12/2021 09:08

Would it be feasible for you to stay near them and meet outdoors?

Cocomarine · 31/12/2021 09:08

You can’t just “wake them up” so that’s just a ridiculous thing to say.
Equally ridiculous was planning to go from 2 years “deep” lockdown to them travelling a big distance and staying a full week in someone else’s house, in the month that for several weeks we’ve been able to repredict would see record breaking infection rates. That was never going to happen. Talk about setting up to fail! 🤷🏻‍♀️
With the hoarding, at least one of them has a an MH issue separate to Covid, too.
They’re never going to be in your daily lives anyway. Stop avoiding them, get a zoom session going so they can wave to the kids. Yes, it’s frustrating - but this is worse for you than them.

Clymene · 31/12/2021 09:09

I think Covid has exacerbated mental illness for a lot of people and triggered/deepened agoraphobia.

It's really sad for you. I'm not sure what you can do.

twominutesmore · 31/12/2021 09:11

I think the fact that they are hoarders gives an insight into their thought processes. I suspect they were always introverted and anxious. For many, covid has become the excuse they need to avoid leaving home.

I doubt you will be able to change them op, they'd have to want to do that themselves.

Xmasiscancelledagain · 31/12/2021 09:11

If your mum is a hoarder then there is clearly more going on here than just a simple fear of covid.

My parents are similar. My DM has undiagnosed MH issues. She is a hoarder and has symptoms of OCD. Both DP have been extremely over cautious about Covid. But we've still seen them. They don't go out as much as usual and I do worry about them both because I feel like they've aged a decade in two years (they're early 70s). But it is what it is. I've kept my distance from them since before Covid due to my mums problems.

PragmaticWench · 31/12/2021 09:11

Were they like this pre-covid about other viruses like flu? If not then it sounds like health anxiety brought on by extreme media coverage. I'd be saying this to them now, as you say it's not actually 'living' anymore and is debilitating.

Bagelsandbrie · 31/12/2021 09:13

I think this is really sad. So many people are wasting their lives away like this. I’m in the clinically extremely vulnerable group and have been triple jabbed and I’m just getting out there living my life. I think it’s ridiculous when people stay shut away like this. In the last two years I’ve had some wonderful experiences and days out that I wouldn’t have had otherwise - my health conditions could potentially kill me at any time
Covid or not anyway.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do unfortunately. Some people are just absolutely obsessed and neurotic about it all. My Dads wife (70s) is the same. She makes my Dad have a shower every time he comes in from work and he has to wear a mask at home! He had to ring me sheepishly and say he hadn’t been able to get any of us a card or anything for Christmas this year as every time he goes to the shops she won’t speak to him for a week! It really is madness.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/12/2021 09:14

I think the 'respecting people's own level of risk' thing is fine up to a point. There's cautious and then there is putting all normal life and social interaction in permanent hold which is not healthy and should not be further encouraged or passively accepted. We all know now that this will never be 'over'. It's not going to be 'safe' on the way your parents want it to be. If it were me, I would have to have a serious conversation about it.. Ask them what they see happening in the next 3, 6 12 months that will mean they re-emerge. If you can, provide them with some sensible info about survival rates etc.

saraclara · 31/12/2021 09:16

@notanothertakeaway

I think you have to respect their concerns

Look at the thread about someone going to the pantomime despite a positive LFtest. There are lots of idiots around

My approach to covid has been cautious, and I've really appreciated the people who have respected that, rather than being dismissive

Two 60 year olds have not left their home for two years. You can respect that they're scared, but OP's worry about them and missing them also needs respecting.

I think the original lockdown and fear publicity has damaged many people. I was worried about my next door neighbours for the same reason. But they at least are late 70s and one of them with a health condition. But even they eventually emerged, and though they're extremely careful, they do go shopping and they visit their daughter and granddaughter.

The mental health issues created by covid are going to be a long term issue, yet monies giving them a thought at the moment.

I'd be worried and sad too, OP. But I'm not sure how you can address it. I'd ask you if they had any friends who could influence and reassure them, but I doubt that they see friends either.

Claudethecat · 31/12/2021 09:19

I don't think there is much you can do, especially when Omicron is spreading so fast. That is bound to make them nervous. I agree with pp, set up some Zoom or Skype meets. Maybe if they the see you all virtually on a regular basis, it will spark their desire to see you in person?

It is very sad, though.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 09:20

They are using Covid as an excuse to live as they want to.
Leave them to it.

GoodnightGrandma · 31/12/2021 09:21

And I say that as I see it in my own DF. There’s nothing more he’d like than to have everyone locked down, living a miserable existence like him.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/12/2021 09:22

But omicron is, for the vast, vast majority, not a big deal. Look at the figures of cases vs hospitalisation. Its not reasonable that this new wave has made them nervous again because we are not March 2020 anymore.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/12/2021 09:25

It's interesting that DM is a hoarder - that points to her already feeling insecure in the world. COVID must be the stuff of nightmares. I doubt that reasonable persuasion or shouting or anything is going to make any difference.

godmum56 · 31/12/2021 09:25

2 things. If your mother has a hoarding disorder then the problem is possibly more than Covid fear and the second is that there really is nothing that you can do when adults with capacity make different choices than the ones you want them to.

Purplewithred · 31/12/2021 09:26

OP says her DM is a hoarder, so there are already mental health issues in the household. Their ‘deep, paralysing’ fear of covid is not rational or justified for them at this stage (young, triple jabbed, careful, Omicron etc). So there is something very deep seated preventing them from living their lives

This is very sad OP and will take a very long time to resolve, especially from such a distance.

nitsandwormsdodger · 31/12/2021 09:27

Hoarding is a serious anxiety disorder that needs specialist help simply telling them to stop will not work

NiceTwin · 31/12/2021 09:27

I feel your pain. My dsis and her partner, who are 55 and 58, have been locked down since February 2020, they locked down prior to everybody else.
He has been out of the house for GP appointments only and for the vaccine. She has been out a couple of times since July 2021.
I want to give them a bloody good shake but it would be futile.

She lives closest to my parents, literally 10 minute walk, she wouldn't even walk round and wave at them through the window despite my dad being very poorly (not with Covid).
I can't give it too much head space because it infuriates me.