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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DM and DF they have to start living again

136 replies

marykitty · 31/12/2021 08:56

DM and DF have a deep, paralyzing fear of covid.
They are afraid to die, so they are not living anymore.
They are still young, 60 years old, 3x vaccine...they are still in deep lockdown, every single day since the beginning.
In 2 years i saw them maybe twice, after PCR testing (i am also fully vaccinated, and DH as well)

We had plan to see them beginning of january. We live far away and the plan was for them to come here and stay 1 week.
For them, we started to completely isolate ourself for 10 days...but it is still not enough, yesterday they called me and they canceled on us because they feel it's too dangerous.

I am heartbroken. I feel so sad for them. I feel so sad for my DCs. I want to scream at them and tell them that the years are not coming back. But would it be fair? Would it be the right thing to do? Should I "wake them up" or should I understand them?

We are very aware of covid dangers and we respect all guidelines (and even more, when I feel they are not enough) but we still need to live.

I miss my family. Since they canceled i am sort of avoiding their messages because I don't know what to say. They say they are very sad not to see us, and I believe them, i think they are just petrified.

To give more background:
I have a 2yo and a 2 months old kid.
My DM is an hoarder and they live in a 2 bedroom flat full of stuff.
We have a house with a guest room and separated bathroom, therefore is better if they come visit us.

OP posts:

hivemindneeded · 31/12/2021 14:24

@Budapestdreams

Let them be. They want to be around for another 20-30 years and are prepared to stay in and take precautions now so they can live to old age. It shocks me how blasé some people are about Covid. It can still kill you if you are vaxxed and it can definitely give you long Covid and ruin your life. Your parents may be only 60 but they are at a greater risk than you OP.

It is sad that you don't get to see them though and I think your offer to self isolate for 10 days first is a good one. However, I don't blame them for canceling right now in the middle of the Omicron wave. Hopefully in a few months things well have settled and they will feel safe visiting you.

This attitude absolutely baffles me. Around for the next 20-30 years for what? Why does anyone want to eke out an existecnce never seeing their loved ones, never leaving the house, never participating in the world. I recently heard someone scoffing at 80yr old grandparents who robustly said, 'Go out and party. We'll see you at Christmas, and take the risk. We'd rathe die of Covid while everyone is living well than stay alive and have everyone's lives wrapped in cottonwool. ' I 100% agree with their attitude. Life is for living. Of course vulnerable people deserve some protection. But when my mother's dementia care home won't let us see her over Christmas, I think: why? While they can still remember who we are and appreciate Christmas with family, why can't we visit? Next year my mum way be too far into dementia to even recognise me. It's the quality her life right now that matters not the ability to extend it indefinitely at all costs.

TheWomandestroyed · 31/12/2021 15:00

[quote Clarissa76]@TheWomandestroyed To me they sound deeply unwell and likely to become more so. Living in such an extreme way is absolutely something the GP should be aware of.[/quote]
Don't be so ridiculous.

coochyboochy · 31/12/2021 15:25

My dad is very similar but is in his 70s. While he waiting for life to restart he has already missed so much including a family wedding reception. It's very sad.

Coyoacan · 31/12/2021 15:37

I'm British living in Mexico and used to listen to Radio 4 over the internet but not anymore. Its coverage of covid from the start was OTT. Going into every pain-filled moment of the victims and their relatives was stress-inducing and considering that stress lowers the
immune system, it was not wise.

Budapestdreams · 31/12/2021 15:42

The pandemic won't be around forever, no pandemic every is.

Let people be cautious without being judgemental. My own parents are the same. I'd rather not see them for 2-3 years but then have them around for decades. This isn't how we will be living forever.

meteoric · 31/12/2021 16:00

"Around for the next 20-30 years for what?"

I can see that the OP's parents are an extreme case, but I think it's pretty insulting to say that people who live less limited lives than you just shouldn't exist or don't have anything to live for.

Original poster

marykitty · 31/12/2021 16:29

Thank you everyone for your answers.
Today I have told them that I am sad and I miss them. I did not push the topic, but I highlighted the fact that they are loved and missed by us. I don't want them to feel irrelevant to my DCs.

I have created memory cards with relatives photos to include them and have my DC memorize name and face. We have a bunch of photos of them at home and I often "refresh" my DC memory because I want them to be a part of my childs early years. I am just sad and worried.

We have organized a zoom call for this evening, at least we can chat.

You are all right, there is not much i can do. They have to push through this.

Re: my DM hoarding, unfortunately she does not want to start Therapy again... she went 30 years ago for her anxiety and quit immediately. It's a difficult topic.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 31/12/2021 17:34

@marykitty

Thank you everyone for your answers. Today I have told them that I am sad and I miss them. I did not push the topic, but I highlighted the fact that they are loved and missed by us. I don't want them to feel irrelevant to my DCs.

We have organized a zoom call for this evening, at least we can chat.

You are all right, there is not much i can do. They have to push through this.

Re: my DM hoarding, unfortunately she does not want to start Therapy again... she went 30 years ago for her anxiety and quit immediately. It's a difficult topic.

Please, don’t give your 2yo a name and photo to learn! Just keep having the calls. Either a relative is loved enough to have a real place in their life - albeit by video call - or they’re not. Creating flash cards for a child to memorise is just odd. Just have photos of them up.

chaosrabbitland · 31/12/2021 17:42

@meteoric

"Around for the next 20-30 years for what?"

I can see that the OP's parents are an extreme case, but I think it's pretty insulting to say that people who live less limited lives than you just shouldn't exist or don't have anything to live for.

but in the case of people who refuse to leave the house virtually because they are scared of a virus its very very limited you have to admit . not even to see their own family , its sad and slightly pathetic as in this case they are only living to get up , sleep and eat and be able to say they are alive , thats it , must be a pretty unhappy existance when alls said and done

Whitecushion · 31/12/2021 18:04

Well they are lucky to have the choice to be able to do that. Alot of us in out 60s are working and many, myself included, in schools and the NHS. Not that I understand their decision at all. Life is for living.

hivemindneeded · 01/01/2022 01:28

@meteoric

"Around for the next 20-30 years for what?"

I can see that the OP's parents are an extreme case, but I think it's pretty insulting to say that people who live less limited lives than you just shouldn't exist or don't have anything to live for.

I don't think they shouldn't exist. What a weird interpretation of what I said. I just can't personally imagine preferring a long life in isolation to a life where I spend time with loved ones. Quality rules over quantity for me.

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