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Original poster

To tell DM and DF they have to start living again

136 replies

marykitty · 31/12/2021 08:56

DM and DF have a deep, paralyzing fear of covid.
They are afraid to die, so they are not living anymore.
They are still young, 60 years old, 3x vaccine...they are still in deep lockdown, every single day since the beginning.
In 2 years i saw them maybe twice, after PCR testing (i am also fully vaccinated, and DH as well)

We had plan to see them beginning of january. We live far away and the plan was for them to come here and stay 1 week.
For them, we started to completely isolate ourself for 10 days...but it is still not enough, yesterday they called me and they canceled on us because they feel it's too dangerous.

I am heartbroken. I feel so sad for them. I feel so sad for my DCs. I want to scream at them and tell them that the years are not coming back. But would it be fair? Would it be the right thing to do? Should I "wake them up" or should I understand them?

We are very aware of covid dangers and we respect all guidelines (and even more, when I feel they are not enough) but we still need to live.

I miss my family. Since they canceled i am sort of avoiding their messages because I don't know what to say. They say they are very sad not to see us, and I believe them, i think they are just petrified.

To give more background:
I have a 2yo and a 2 months old kid.
My DM is an hoarder and they live in a 2 bedroom flat full of stuff.
We have a house with a guest room and separated bathroom, therefore is better if they come visit us.

OP posts:
Phobiaphobic · 31/12/2021 10:41

I think they need some kind of psychotherapeutic help. Easier said than done, obviously, but perhaps it would help to talk to them from that perspective?

user1497207191 · 31/12/2021 10:46

I think they're perfectly reasonable at the moment due to the way Omnicron is spreading. We are both being very careful, getting shopping delivered again, etc., but that's just temporary because of the current wave. We were out and about pretty normally until early December when Omnicron started to kick off, and we'll be back out and about again as soon as the wave passes. We know lots of people who are exactly the same, such as our neighbours who went on 4 foreign holidays during the year, but are now locking themselves down again for a few weeks.

WonderfulYou · 31/12/2021 10:48

That’s so sad!!

There is not a lot you can do as any forcing them will just have the opposite effect and if you say they’re being dramatic they might think you’re a covid denier.

For some this virus can cause death or serious illness, so it’s understandable why people are worried about their health. And you need to show you understand that.

Hopefully, we are nearing the end of the tunnel now even if it gets a bit worse before it gets better.
So I wouldn’t push for anything right now and give it another couple of months so they can feel safe getting through this rough patch.

What I would do is do things that they are comfortable with like meet in their garden, go for a socially distanced walk, use FaceTime or send pictures of drawings that the children have done - anything to keep their minds active.

L0stinCyberspace · 31/12/2021 10:56

My parents are very similar OP. DF has MH issues and is very neurotic at the best of times. DM goes along with it. I have seen them but only allowed if everyone masked and sitting 6 feet away from them. It breaks my heart but what can you do?

Confiscatedpopit · 31/12/2021 11:00

I’d find it very hard to be decent with them about this OP. I’d be really pissed off.

doublemonkey · 31/12/2021 11:03

They have mental health issues and there's nothing you can do about it.

You need to get back to living your own life.

WeAllHaveWings · 31/12/2021 11:06

They are 60 years old, capable of making their own decisions and for the first weeks in January it sounds like they have made sensible ones.

Why not see them more frequently the rest of the year rather than wait until the unknown of peak covid levels after Xmas and new year Confused

BligeMe · 31/12/2021 11:08

I would love to see more of family. But age and medical conditions render us vulnerable, so we've been ultra cautious all the way through. Having locked ourselves down for the best part of two years, it seems foolish right now (when the numbers are so high and the covid variant is so extremely transmissible) to relax our guard. We've dodged covid so far, and we'd like for it to stay that way. There's nothing wrong with my mental health - at least I don't think so - and as soon as the risk abates, which hopefully in the Spring it will, then a more normal life beckons. Pre covid, if one of us had a bad cold, we'd avoid each other so as to avoid passing it on, and that will certainly continue.

icedcoffees · 31/12/2021 11:09

@CharityDingle thank you. I've pretty much accepted it now but it doesn't make it any less sad.

Mum and I went out for our annual Christmas meal a couple of days before Christmas - I dropped her home afterwards and wasn't even allowed in to use the toilet, I had to walk to the public loos round the corner. It's just crazy when you see it written down.

I think in his mind he's doing what he can to protect himself but doesn't consider what he's destroying in the process.

And you're definitely right about the figures - he quotes them to my mum constantly. She just ignores him and does what she wants regardless though, lol. Technically she's more at risk than he is as she's asthmatic but I'm so glad his fear hasn't rubbed off on her too.

We've been out for meals, met for dog walks, gone for coffee - just normal mother/daughter things and normally dad would join us sometimes but he hasn't at all since COVID hit. He's an introvert anyway and I get the impression he'd happily live like this for the rest of his days. It's such a waste.

user19916049 · 31/12/2021 11:13

If everyone is being safe, getting their vaccines and following all guidelines then they need to try and get back out there!

People can hide away wasting time in their home but then can die from something completely different at home. What a shame to waste so much time and family time !

user19916049 · 31/12/2021 11:15

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Mine are the same I haven't seen them since 2019. They are in their 80s and its got to the point where I honestly think I won't see them before they die as they won't allow it.
That's such a shame. Sorry to hear that ☹️☹️
SocialConnection · 31/12/2021 11:17

Hoarding is a recognised mental health issue. That plus their terror of Covid (they're not much older than I am, and my mum is sensibly and carefully out and about) suggest there is something more going on. Have they been through some trauma that triggered the hoarding? I've encountered people who've been through bereavement, fire, abuse, loss ... the covid withdrawing could be the tip of an iceberg that's going to get worse if it isn't addressed.

Rainbowsandstorms · 31/12/2021 11:21

I’ve sent you a DM re my experiences as someone who also worries and gave flagged a few things that may help. I haven’t replied on here as some of the info is identifying. I know how hard this is from both sides.

BlondeDogLady · 31/12/2021 11:35

I could perhaps understand this if they were elderly, but at 60, not so much! Especially as they are triple vaxed.

I am 8 years younger than them, and apart from wearing a mask and sanitising, me and DH have not changed our lives. We go to bars and restaurants. We are just back from a city break, which we had to fly to. We have celebrated Christmas with family. Life must go on!

That said, my 80 year old Dad has opted not to visit us - he was coming by train and it's 6 hours travel time, which I do think was probably wise.

GaolBhoAlba · 31/12/2021 11:39

We're dealing with concurrent pandemics, arguably the pandemic of skewed risk perception is the one which is now impacting society most (though, in truth, risk perception has been an issue throughout the coronavirus pandemic).

There are no easy answers. Government know society has to move back towards normality, however how do they do orchestrate this (ever more pressing) requirement when so many people want to continue living existing in fear? They want government to micromanage their lives for, I dont know, forever???

It must be awful for you OP. I think all you can do is be patient, present facts to them in a gentle way, and hope they can (in time) move on from it.

Fidgetty · 31/12/2021 11:42

You can try to talk some sense into them (I would) but it may not work especially since there's two of them to back up each other's anxiety. I have to pull my mother back from the covid spiral brink from time to time. This pandemic has not been kind to people prone to anxiety. I try to counter her fears with common sense. When she starts ranting about someone at work not doing everything absolutely perfectly PPE wise I just remind her that she can't control other people and she's triple vaxxed so even if she gets covid she'll be fine. Over and over basically making her see that she's being ridiculous and it mostly works for a while! Well externally it works, I'm sure she's still probably freaking out on the inside but I can't be listening to it and keep pushing her to live life as much as she can. I've booked dinners/theatre tickets etc and just keep cajoling her until she goes. She's much better now than last year but if I hadn't pushed and guilted her into these things she'd be hiding behind her sofa I expect.

Tubs11 · 31/12/2021 11:47

I'd ride out this peak and then use data available to show how death rates have dropped massively due to vaccines.
I think it's pointless saying they need to start living when there are possible restrictions coming in Jan and hospitals are stretched. We're being cautious but that's because we don't want to self isolate with smallies. Good days will roll again

godmum56 · 31/12/2021 11:50

@Confiscatedpopit

I’d find it very hard to be decent with them about this OP. I’d be really pissed off.
why? why are they not allowed to make their own choices?
godmum56 · 31/12/2021 11:51

@BlondeDogLady

I could perhaps understand this if they were elderly, but at 60, not so much! Especially as they are triple vaxed.

I am 8 years younger than them, and apart from wearing a mask and sanitising, me and DH have not changed our lives. We go to bars and restaurants. We are just back from a city break, which we had to fly to. We have celebrated Christmas with family. Life must go on!

That said, my 80 year old Dad has opted not to visit us - he was coming by train and it's 6 hours travel time, which I do think was probably wise.

why should other people make the same choices as you?
whynotwhatknot · 31/12/2021 11:56

they clearly cant cope mentally with it all-sad that whatever time they have on this earth theyre choosing to isolate

i dont think you'll get through to them i mean youve tried to see it rom their view isolating for them and they still wont come

GaolBhoAlba · 31/12/2021 11:58

@BligeMe

I would love to see more of family. But age and medical conditions render us vulnerable, so we've been ultra cautious all the way through. Having locked ourselves down for the best part of two years, it seems foolish right now (when the numbers are so high and the covid variant is so extremely transmissible) to relax our guard. We've dodged covid so far, and we'd like for it to stay that way. There's nothing wrong with my mental health - at least I don't think so - and as soon as the risk abates, which hopefully in the Spring it will, then a more normal life beckons. Pre covid, if one of us had a bad cold, we'd avoid each other so as to avoid passing it on, and that will certainly continue.
Its not an easy message to accept, however the risk of catching it wont abate - you can delay in the short term, however everyone will get infected by SARS-CoV-2 (and most likely soon, there is no point pretending otherwise). Even the most militant of scientist now accepts that we wont eradicate it. Its wildly infectious, and it is here to stay. Many (most? likely, all) of us will catch it more than once in our lifetime. Vaccine wont stop you becoming infected, it WILL though give you a tremendous (i'll stick my neck out and say virtually guaranteed!) chance of not becoming seriously unwell.
Cherryblossoms85 · 31/12/2021 12:00

That is very sad. I wonder if there is any external help you could get for them. Lots of councils do have services to help with hoarding, and might then also be able to help them with the irrational fear of contamination - suspect the two might be a bit linked.

Squaran · 31/12/2021 12:05

Gosh that's really sad to read. I hope things change for you all soon.

My MIL was similar but after the 2021 lockdown she had a bit of an awakening and decided "what is the point of wasting your life being terrified of dying? That in effect, is dying".

She's all jabbed and has not gone nuts, still mask wearing etc but we've seen her so much more, had lots of time together. We've got busy living. She's so much happier and relaxed.

It's very sad that some people are just living a terrified, sheltered existence now.

Clarissa76 · 31/12/2021 12:07

I wonder whether you could possibly speak to their GP about your concerns. It does sound like some sort of anxiety disorder/agoraphobia.

HazelBite · 31/12/2021 12:10

I can understand their attitude to a certain extent, I am 70 and realised that I was going that way and getting over cautious, however DH (in his 60's) was still working. he is self employed in the building trade and basically if he didn't work we didn't eat! As DH managed to avoid it, it gave me confidence to go out about much more.
On Monday I went with DS2 on a football stadium tour, there were a lot of folks around but we were all masked up and the staff there were very careful I really enjoyed myself, To be honest I wouldn't have dreamt of doing this 12 months ago, but its made me really appreciate these little "occasions" as we have been being so careful recently,
It is a very easy trap to fall into as you get older, the time you have left is very precious and the thought of its length being curtailed is very frightening.