AIBU - ‘Supportive’ friends upon partner dying.

[london2022]

My partner died suddenly 4 weeks ago (no underlying health issues - not COVID etc…) and I was obviously devastated. If I’m being frank; I have had a traumatic few weeks and couldn’t have told you what day of the week it was. I barely slept - and when I did - I would ‘crash’. I had no appetite… and just was in a terrible state. I called my friend the next morning - who was very sweet on the phone and said I should meet her/we could go for a walk or a coffee. Or both. She has a one year old baby (who I assumed she would bring with as I’m unsure if she is still breastfeeding). So I suggested our ‘usual’ quiet place (where we’ve been to with the baby - but we’ve obviously sat outside when with the baby). It is a neighbourhood restaurant - also with bar seating - and we often sit at the bar with some tea/coffee. Obviously I wasn’t looking to go out and drink/party. Clearly. I simply needed to get some air - and get off my phone as all I had been doing was making/fielding calls. Also; as mentioned; it’s our ‘usual spot’ - so we would both know what to ‘expect’ at such a place.

I’m en route - and she texted me with a change of destination. Asking to meet at a coffee place. I said ‘no problem’ as it was a 2 minute walk from where we were supposed to meet. I get there - and her husband and other unruly toddler is there. He gives me a hug and then says: ‘EEEEK!! You ok?’

The place is FULL of screaming kids - and even two who were jumping on the seats/booth next to us - whilst coughing everywhere. Where they were seated; was right next to the ‘coffee collection’ point - and so I was essentially back-to-back with people awaiting their order and baristas shouting out names. Another table had a child smash an iPad on the floor - and for some reason; I just wanted to cry at that alone.

I was on the verge of tears when I got there due to my personal situation - and if I’m being totally honest; didn’t feel like shouting (due to the noise) about my now-deceased partner in front of an extraordinarily busy coffee shop. She then shouted (over the table/her kids): ‘SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I just stared at her and started crying.

She then asked me to get her a coffee - which I did (as I wanted a cup of tea anyway).

Whilst I don’t mean to sound self-indulgent; I found her behaviour just totally insensitive. Her husband then kept asking for all the ‘details’ (which is fine - but again; I didn’t feel like raising my voice to explain) and then later asked me to read his son a book…

I left about 20 minutes later.

AUBU to feel bitter - even now - a few weeks later - that this was ‘support’…? (Please feel free to say whatever you honestly think).

I’m aware everyone obviously has their own lives/families/careers - as do I - but honestly; I got home - cried more than I already had - and slept for 14 hours afterwards. They didn’t reach again out until 9 days ago - to ask if I was free for drinks.

I sent them a response text stating I wouldn’t be going to their Christmas party - and they said: ‘OH NO! What’s the matter?’

I know my state of mind is a messed up one due to sheer grief - but AIBU?! I felt totally unsupported - and I’m not even a precious person. Truly. If anything; I’m that typical British stoic!

I had a similar situation with a friend when my dad died. I stopped speaking to her for 18 months because I couldn't be around that. Looking back, she didn't know how to react.

At the moment, be completely selfish and surround yourself with people who can support you. You'll find those people are those you would never expect.

I'm sorry for your loss. Take one day at a time. You'll never get over it but time helps you get used to it. Take care

The only thing I would say in their favour is that she did turn up, 12 month old baby or no. I had one friend who actually decided not to contact me as it was all too stressful for them. At least they tried, and I wonder if it might be worth explaining what you need from them. I think they are trying to include you and be there for you, but are doing it completely wrong! Trying is better than avoiding though which is why I think you should probably be honest and say 'I was hoping it would just be the two of us, I really could use a shoulder to cry on' and be honest about the party.

Often people just drop you or avoid you when they don't know what to say. They didn't do that and aren't planning to, so they do get a tiny bit of credit for that.

who says wtf hes dead then in the middle of a loud place like theyre talking about some soap character

not a good friend

I am very sorry for your loss,
Sadly some people are not very equipped at dealing with death.
l hope you go on to find your own tribe who accept and understand you, l know l found the Merry Widow forum a big help and other online groups for young widows as well as reading lots of books, it made me feel less alone.

Totally agree with @endofthelinefinally. It’s surprising how your relationships may change, disappear, become stronger or weaker when you are newly bereaved.

well equipped.

You really do find out who your friends are. I’m so sorry for you loss x

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've understandably, have been through a dreadful time (and will do, for some time yet).

The people you describe are not friends. They haven't got empathy or understanding, they sound horrible. Please don't try to go through this grief alone. Either turn to family or people who understand. If you haven't got anyone you can rely on like that, ring CRUSE, or Samaritans. You will get through it, in time and with people who care

@london2022 my condolences for your loss.

These are the earliest of days of your loss, you have much to do that means you have to step up & so much to come to terms with. You are going through a bittersweet storm, something that many of us will have been through as well & have deep sympathy for you.

Your friend…what can I say? She is not in the same life phase as you, & is not going through a major bereavement. She has been very insensitive & thoughtless to chop/change arrangements at this time & speak so rudely to you. She sounds mean, shallow & not much good for you, him as well. Block them, let them go.

Expect lack of sleep, small highs & deep lows as time goes on, the worst will lessen. Sometimes it may feel unbearable, so stay home, rest & wait for your energies to build up. Other than the funeral & legal essentials, take baby steps getting things done, just one thing a day is plenty for now.

Save your time & energy for yourself, spend your time, energy & goodwill on activity & pursuits that nurture your soul, spend time with friends who show support (actions speak louder than words etc) & avoid vexatious people & loud trashy places.

Be very kind to yourself.

Three years ago, my oldest friends partner died. It was expected, but no less horrific for that.

I just always tried to let her know I was there, whatever she needed.

At his funeral I was desperate to keep myself together for my friend and her daughter's sake. I failed. He was a friend to me too.

I was so embarrassed when his daughter comforted me as I walked out of the funeral. I should have been the one giving comfort, not the other way round.

Since then, we've become even closer. So my advice would be, be authentic. When you are sad about what is happening, let your friend know. Maybe not when she is dealing with a crisis (I remember crying in a restaurant when a particular upsetting episode happened and she sent me a text) but when your friend is a bit calmer.

I think my friend appreciated the fact that I felt for her, I also felt for him.

they sound awful.

I am really sorry for your loss OP.

I'm so sorry that you were treated like that. Their behaviour was totally inappropriate. You dealt with it well by leaving after 20 mins. At painful times in your life, you really do find out what people are really like. Some turn out not to be so nice. But there are still many other lovely people out there.

Jesus Christ with friends like her... I don't buy the fact she didn't know what to say or do, any person with one fucking brain cell knows that that situation is not comforting someone who is bereaved. And then saying 'oh no what's wrong' when you said no to their party!!! I'm gobsmacked OP. I'd be telling her what a shitty inconsiderate cow she is and blocking her.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, lean on people who actually care for you. Not that selfish cow 💐

London I’m very sorry for your loss.

I actually came on to post a very similar thread tonight but then saw yours. My dh had a massive brain injury in July and has been in hospital since then, and I’m struggling to deal with how some friends have either disappeared completely or wanted just one meet up to hear all the details and then disappeared. Some of these are friends of us both, for over 20 years.
I had taken this personally and was really upset but reading this thread has shown me that actually my “friends” are complete arseholes and it’s them not me.
If I’d ever had to write a list of who would be there for me in this situation I’d say most of the names on it have disappeared. A couple have been great and I have relied heavily on them and owe them big time. Other friends who I had lost touch with other than on fb, or friends I didn’t know as well, have been fantastic too and we’ve become closer.

I hope you have support from other friends or family. As others have said there are great support groups where I’m sure new friends await when you are ready.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your friends behaviour is completely inconsiderate and unbelievably ignorant.

Bless you, I’m surprised you didn’t scream at them and tell them to fuck off! Tone deaf selfish and utterly horrid “friends”!!!
I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find a support group and some new friends that can help you navigate your grief and make sense of this terrible loss.
Good luck OP xxx

I would text them how I felt and then cut them out forever. They're absolutely awful (I have kids of the same age and would never dream of it.. fucking hell, just what a prick...) I'm so so so sorry. Please take care of yourself and seek out other more sympathetic and less ignorant fools.

So sorry for your loss OP. You are in no way being precious. Their behaviour has been completely shit and unsupportive.

I have a bit of a different take on this to many people- which is I wouldn't make any drastic decisions right now, it's all too raw.

I often read on here that someone has a shocking bereavement, or serious illness, some friends are crap- they are immediately cut off and everyone feels much better for having culled half their friendship group, or knowing 'who their true friends are'.

My experience is that many many people struggle to do the 'right thing' when illness or death occurs; partly this is because they don't know how to handle death, those who have had a partner or child or parent die are much better at knowing what to say and do than those that haven't, partly because they fear doing or saying the wrong thing, and partly because everyone has their own issues of tiredness, stress and bad things happening so they might not have much capacity. Yes, there may be a few people who genuinely don't care, but that's not been my experience.

Expecting people to behave in a certain way is sure to lead to disappointment- at that time, only a few people will step forward and be brilliant (perhaps they have the capacity/emotional intelligence/space to do so) at that time, and some will be absolutely rubbish. Most will be nice, but ultimately busy with their own lives. You don't stay the centre of people's efforts for very long. But life is about the long game- do you really want to cut off everyone who wasn't round yours with a casserole within hours? Is everyone who came with a casserole immediately and texted daily someone you want to be in that intense type of friendship with going forward?

I'm not saying these people did the right thing. They didn't. Very inconsiderate. But I think in a clumsy way they were coming out to support you, and include you, and whilst really inappropriate, they might have actually meant well.

If not, you will find out over time. You can then make a considered decision about what to do. Friends take a long time once you get older to make and keep, I wouldn't go throwing away friendships left right and centre just yet. I would let the dust settle, pull on those friends who have capacity/ability to support you right now, but there may be a time in a year or two where actually a night out or a party with a crowd you like would be fun. I've found some of my friends who were brilliant early on have faded away a bit, and others who didn't know what to say/much less contact are keen to continue our friendship and are proving to be good friends going foward.

Just for a different perspective, having lived something very similar.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

That's a very thoughtful post and to an extent I do agree with you, in time and with hindsight we can become more in synch with these friends if we are patient enough to be honest with them and they respond in kind.

Conversely, it can also be a time when we literally do learn that some of our friendships are simply not worth maintaining.

That text from the OPs friend, jeez how offensive. You'd have to have the hide of a rhino to brush that one off.

It's my DH's birthday today. Three people have been in touch. My sister who is have a mixed relationship with and often don't speak to from one month to the next but who is always there when it matters, someone who was an acquaintance before DH died but who has become a good friend since and knows how hard the last couple of weeks have been and a friend of a friend who lost her DH about a year before I did.

Our "good" friends, who absolutely do know his birthday (it's an easy one to remember) haven't been in touch over the whole holiday.

But actually that's OK, the people who (now) count have been great

@violetbunny

I think they've gone about this totally the wrong way, but it's probably come from a good place on their part.

I wouldn't be in a hurry to get in touch with them until you feel ready, but when you do I would explain that you appreciate them reaching out but you were upset by the lack of privacy and sensitivity. If they are good friends then they will hopefully reflect on this and take it on board.

What 'good place'?

When you don't actually think of the bereaved person at all what 'good place' can it possibly come from?

The OP's friend responded the very same day and came out to meet her, with kids in tow which isn't ideal- but it was the very same day. The Op's friend has little kids, including a baby and a toddler, so it's not that easy to drop everything and change plans, but she did.

Not ideal, and the text is beyond insensitive. But many people just cross the road/avoid you for weeks/pop back up after six months like nothing happened, she didn't do that at all.

But many people just cross the road/avoid you for weeks/pop back up after six months like nothing happened, she didn't do that at all.

I'd much rather they did any of these things than come up with something so insensitive! Contrary to some cliches, it is WORSE to say/do the wrong thing than to say nothing at all!

@JohnSmithDrive

It's my DH's birthday today. Three people have been in touch. My sister who is have a mixed relationship with and often don't speak to from one month to the next but who is always there when it matters, someone who was an acquaintance before DH died but who has become a good friend since and knows how hard the last couple of weeks have been and a friend of a friend who lost her DH about a year before I did.

Our "good" friends, who absolutely do know his birthday (it's an easy one to remember) haven't been in touch over the whole holiday.

But actually that's OK, the people who (now) count have been great

I think we have to be realistic though. It didn't occur to me for a minute that people should remember my late husband's birthday. I barely remember living people's. A couple of people did (but they were close family members), but that was unexpected, to me. I've certainly never reached out to anyone on the birthday of someone they lost, but it wasn't a deliberate omission.

Yes, some people I expected to be there for me when I was bereaved, weren't as evident as I'd have expected. But I didn't write them off at all. What I did focus on was the people who I'd had no expectations of, but who really stepped up. That was really lovely, and made me see a side to them that I hadn't realised was there.

So I didn't dump any friends because they couldn't handle the situation, but I did make some closer ones. I see that as positive.