AIBU - ‘Supportive’ friends upon partner dying.

[london2022]

My partner died suddenly 4 weeks ago (no underlying health issues - not COVID etc…) and I was obviously devastated. If I’m being frank; I have had a traumatic few weeks and couldn’t have told you what day of the week it was. I barely slept - and when I did - I would ‘crash’. I had no appetite… and just was in a terrible state. I called my friend the next morning - who was very sweet on the phone and said I should meet her/we could go for a walk or a coffee. Or both. She has a one year old baby (who I assumed she would bring with as I’m unsure if she is still breastfeeding). So I suggested our ‘usual’ quiet place (where we’ve been to with the baby - but we’ve obviously sat outside when with the baby). It is a neighbourhood restaurant - also with bar seating - and we often sit at the bar with some tea/coffee. Obviously I wasn’t looking to go out and drink/party. Clearly. I simply needed to get some air - and get off my phone as all I had been doing was making/fielding calls. Also; as mentioned; it’s our ‘usual spot’ - so we would both know what to ‘expect’ at such a place.

I’m en route - and she texted me with a change of destination. Asking to meet at a coffee place. I said ‘no problem’ as it was a 2 minute walk from where we were supposed to meet. I get there - and her husband and other unruly toddler is there. He gives me a hug and then says: ‘EEEEK!! You ok?’

The place is FULL of screaming kids - and even two who were jumping on the seats/booth next to us - whilst coughing everywhere. Where they were seated; was right next to the ‘coffee collection’ point - and so I was essentially back-to-back with people awaiting their order and baristas shouting out names. Another table had a child smash an iPad on the floor - and for some reason; I just wanted to cry at that alone.

I was on the verge of tears when I got there due to my personal situation - and if I’m being totally honest; didn’t feel like shouting (due to the noise) about my now-deceased partner in front of an extraordinarily busy coffee shop. She then shouted (over the table/her kids): ‘SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I just stared at her and started crying.

She then asked me to get her a coffee - which I did (as I wanted a cup of tea anyway).

Whilst I don’t mean to sound self-indulgent; I found her behaviour just totally insensitive. Her husband then kept asking for all the ‘details’ (which is fine - but again; I didn’t feel like raising my voice to explain) and then later asked me to read his son a book…

I left about 20 minutes later.

AUBU to feel bitter - even now - a few weeks later - that this was ‘support’…? (Please feel free to say whatever you honestly think).

I’m aware everyone obviously has their own lives/families/careers - as do I - but honestly; I got home - cried more than I already had - and slept for 14 hours afterwards. They didn’t reach again out until 9 days ago - to ask if I was free for drinks.

I sent them a response text stating I wouldn’t be going to their Christmas party - and they said: ‘OH NO! What’s the matter?’

I know my state of mind is a messed up one due to sheer grief - but AIBU?! I felt totally unsupported - and I’m not even a precious person. Truly. If anything; I’m that typical British stoic!

Sorry for your loss. This person is not a friend. On what planet would her behaviour be classed as misguided?! She’s totally self absorbed and selfish and you’re better off without her. I’m sure you have other, better friends who will step up.

Oh heck. She sounds utterly self absorbed to me; I’m sure she meant well in the moment (let’s meet a grieving friend for coffee), but was ultimately too wrapped up in herself to alter her behaviour. I’d take a step back and look after myself here. So sorry for your loss.

It's truly shocking how some people are so insensitive to bereavement. Surely they can imagine it is devastating?
My Mum died suddenly when she was with me, a decade ago.
Some of my "friends" didn't contact me, or mention it the next time I saw them. It was staggering.

This is so strange. I’m so sorry op for your loss. That is the weirdest form of support. Are they normally this heavy handed?

I'm sorry for your loss and pain OP.

Your friend responded poorly and didn't give you what you needed - people can be very focused on themselves and their own (dis)comfort. I agree with the other posters that people who haven't experienced such a deep loss probably struggle to truly understand the all consuming 'knock out', visceral experience of grief. Others, like a PP says, seem to think they need to be all 'life goes on' about it to try to help with 'moving on'.

I've distanced (and now lost, I'd guess) friends - some I'd known for most of my life - after a significant bereavement. Mainly because I saw things in their impatient and insensitive approach to me at a time where I needed care and patience that I just didn't like. Other friends stepped up and were kind and supportive. Have you got some of those gems around you?

This is a tough time, so be gentle on yourself and surround yourself with gentle people. Sending strength to you for the coming weeks and months xx

I strongly suspect that he was there solely to ride on the coat-tails of your grief - it's astonishing how some people ghoulishly want to know "the details" when a person dies and enjoy proximity to the bereaved.

My brother's very closest, lifelong friend died suddenly at Xmas (stroke) - he was 54 and there had been no signs that he was anything but well. He and my brother had an extremely emotionally intelligent relationship and my brother was (and is) devastated.

He called me yesterday and was telling me how appalling it was that so many people were trying to 'get in on the mourning' - people who only knew of the deceased and were entirely unrelated to him in all respects.

Forgive my bad manners - I am so sorry for your loss.

So so sorry for your loss. I really hope you have other friends you can lean on. Some people just have no idea how to react/behave around a bereaved person. Look after yourself.

Op, that made me feel so angry for you reading it 💐 totally insensitive and self absorbed of them . The ob thing to do would be to get their husband to look after kids for a few hours and come over to see you… I’m hoping that some really good people shine through for you in your sadness xx

Wow, that is truly awful behaviour from your "friend".

My parents lost twin babies and people would cross the street to avoid talking to them.

When me and my first husband (of 20 years) separated not one of my close friends rang me to ask after me or talk about what happened. I have never forgiven them and now the friendships are surface friendships only.

Losing your partner is so much worse than divorce, it seems unfathomable to me that they have had so little sympathy for you.

I hope you have other friends and family for support. I'd cut these people out.

So sorry for your loss

"OH NO! What’s the matter?" is like something out of a very black comedy.

With friends like that, who need enemies?!

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you have others who can support you better through this terrible time.

Is it possible they didn't know how close the relationship was ? It does seem very cack handed of them, and the comment about the party is just weird in the circumstances.

So crass and unsupportive. Not good friends. You will now find out who to cut from your life. People like this never have anything bad happen to them and are these weird happy freaks who cannot have any kind of empathy or consideration. Shallow. Have no more to do with them. Surround yourself with kindness and support. Reach out on forums. Join local support groups.

@AliceAldridge

Massively insensitive! Sadly, when my Dad died, I found the only helpful people to be other people whose parents had died. Which weren't many people and I imagine are even fewer for you. Could you find a bereavement support group? It will really help to talk about it but not to these people (whose level of unhelpfulness borders on stupidity)

I am so sorry for your loss

Was going to suggest this - brilliant idea.

My mom goes to a bereavement group as she finds the only people who really understand are people who are in stages of grief.

I think it's really difficult for others to fully understand, but your friends sound really self absorbed.

Crying for you OP. I lost my wife 18 months ago. You are allowed absolutely to honour your grief and not out up with anything that feels wrong including this awful behaviour from your friend, that was totally insensitive and unsupportive. Go with your own flow. So very sorry for your loss @london2022 and sending you love, and peace.

It sounds like they don’t see your partner as someone who was very significant? So maybe they are old fashioned about only spouses counting / maybe the length or type of relationship? It’s awful because of your friend is in pain you just respond to that not judge it’s merits.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and for their complete lack of emotional intelligence.

Is there any chance it was a very new relationship and they didn’t realise what he meant to you? I am clutching at straws, it just beggars belief otherwise.

So sorry for your loss. What an awful time for you.
Unfortunately people often don’t know what to say in response to bereavement/grief, but your friend should have been more thoughtful and caring.

As a pp said, times like these are when you find out who your true friends are and that often turns out to be a surprise.

Take care

Sending condolences

That's getting it wrong (which we all do at times, because what's right for one bereaved person is wrong for another) and there's being it spectacularly, selfishly and thoughtlessly wrong.

I was very tolerant of people's mis-steps when my husband died. But this would make me not want to see those friends again.

So sorry to hear about this. My guess is that she brought her husband along for moral support for herself as she didn’t know what to say or how to act. It wasn’t the right way to go about it that’s for sure so maybe let her know if there’s a next time it’s to be just the two of you?

This is awful but give them their due - they tried. They have been completely tone deaf and insensitive but they made an effort. She hasn't crossed the street to avoid you or ignored your messages.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope other more emotionally intelligent friends are able to give you the support you need.

She/they acted like you’d lost a distant, barely known relative which is so strange
I hope you’ve found better support from elsewhere in your support network

@Redwinestillfine

Some people just don't know what to do and some people are pricks. Text her and tell her what you need from her right now. He response will tell you which she is.

Her response already has.

The OP doesn't need people like that in her life.

They are monumentally insensitive

They are dickheads. You can google what to do. My partner did when a member of my close family died early into our relationship as he had to meet my family for first time just before the funeral. This is because he is not a dickhead.

Don't give them any more time or headspace. Other friends will come to the fore. You may find that she apologises about a year later, as happened to me and one of my friends. I said yes, they hadn't got it right but the apology was enough and now we are friends again.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I found grief to be a long lasting physical pain and panic. I hope you have some better people around you.