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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ‘Supportive’ friends upon partner dying.

182 replies

london2022 · 30/12/2021 16:40

My partner died suddenly 4 weeks ago (no underlying health issues - not COVID etc…) and I was obviously devastated. If I’m being frank; I have had a traumatic few weeks and couldn’t have told you what day of the week it was. I barely slept - and when I did - I would ‘crash’. I had no appetite… and just was in a terrible state. I called my friend the next morning - who was very sweet on the phone and said I should meet her/we could go for a walk or a coffee. Or both. She has a one year old baby (who I assumed she would bring with as I’m unsure if she is still breastfeeding). So I suggested our ‘usual’ quiet place (where we’ve been to with the baby - but we’ve obviously sat outside when with the baby). It is a neighbourhood restaurant - also with bar seating - and we often sit at the bar with some tea/coffee. Obviously I wasn’t looking to go out and drink/party. Clearly. I simply needed to get some air - and get off my phone as all I had been doing was making/fielding calls. Also; as mentioned; it’s our ‘usual spot’ - so we would both know what to ‘expect’ at such a place.

I’m en route - and she texted me with a change of destination. Asking to meet at a coffee place. I said ‘no problem’ as it was a 2 minute walk from where we were supposed to meet. I get there - and her husband and other unruly toddler is there. He gives me a hug and then says: ‘EEEEK!! You ok?’

The place is FULL of screaming kids - and even two who were jumping on the seats/booth next to us - whilst coughing everywhere. Where they were seated; was right next to the ‘coffee collection’ point - and so I was essentially back-to-back with people awaiting their order and baristas shouting out names. Another table had a child smash an iPad on the floor - and for some reason; I just wanted to cry at that alone.

I was on the verge of tears when I got there due to my personal situation - and if I’m being totally honest; didn’t feel like shouting (due to the noise) about my now-deceased partner in front of an extraordinarily busy coffee shop. She then shouted (over the table/her kids): ‘SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I just stared at her and started crying.

She then asked me to get her a coffee - which I did (as I wanted a cup of tea anyway).

Whilst I don’t mean to sound self-indulgent; I found her behaviour just totally insensitive. Her husband then kept asking for all the ‘details’ (which is fine - but again; I didn’t feel like raising my voice to explain) and then later asked me to read his son a book…

I left about 20 minutes later.

AUBU to feel bitter - even now - a few weeks later - that this was ‘support’…? (Please feel free to say whatever you honestly think).

I’m aware everyone obviously has their own lives/families/careers - as do I - but honestly; I got home - cried more than I already had - and slept for 14 hours afterwards. They didn’t reach again out until 9 days ago - to ask if I was free for drinks.

I sent them a response text stating I wouldn’t be going to their Christmas party - and they said: ‘OH NO! What’s the matter?’

I know my state of mind is a messed up one due to sheer grief - but AIBU?! I felt totally unsupported - and I’m not even a precious person. Truly. If anything; I’m that typical British stoic!

OP posts:
OhThatChicken · 30/12/2021 16:58

I am so very sorry to read this. They're dicks. Total and utter dicks.

If you have the mental energy to explain to them how much they hurt you then do, but right now your focus should be on your wellbeing not theirs so do what feels right for you.

PangolinPie · 30/12/2021 16:58

I actually despair of humans when I read things like this. I'm so sorry you have lost your partner and then went through being "supported" by these pair of utterly insensitive idiots. This goes beyond "not knowing what to say".

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 30/12/2021 17:01

I was reading this thinking ok change of venue I can kind of understand but then it just got worse and worse! What absolute idiots.

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

unicornpalaver · 30/12/2021 17:03

I'm so sorry. They sound very insensitive and lacking in empathy and all of this must have been really difficult for you. Some people just really don't get it, and as PP said, when you go through a profound bereavement like this, you do find out who your actual friends are. I found it was almost like another additional bereavement when some of my friends just disappeared without trace or said bizarre things (eg "are you still sad about it?" - two weeks after the death!)

However, some other friends - some I hadn't spoken to in years - were the ones that really came through.

Condolences on your terrible loss. Flowers

I found the Griefcast podcast helpful in the first year after my worst bereavement. It was quite healing to listen to people who "get it".

canofsoup · 30/12/2021 17:05

I am so sorry for your loss OP. The insensitivity they displayed made my jaw drop.

I'm sorry, there is no excuse for such behaviour, what on earth is the matter with them. Personally I would keep my distance from them until I felt strong enough in myself to cope with their behaviour.

Like other posters have said, in times such as this, you find out who your true friends are - and some of them come from the least expected areas of your life.

I hope you have other, more understanding friends to turn to. Also, my friends mum joined a local bereavement group when her husband died, and found it a source of great comfort. She said it was good to speak to people who understood her feelings.

My thoughts are with you x

CactusLemonSpice · 30/12/2021 17:06

What!!!! I am actually just baffled by this as it is so insensitive. Honestly I'd be looking to other friends for support, as these ones sound pretty useless... I am really sorry about your husband. I hope you have other more supportive people around you.

PearDr0ps · 30/12/2021 17:07

This is awful, OP. Unfortunately, having lost both parents, I have to agree with people above that some people are utterly useless when it comes to dealing with others' grief. These so-called friends of yours are in another league, though.

Sorry for your loss. Look after yourself xx

crazycrochetlady · 30/12/2021 17:09

Firstly OP, sorry for your loss. You must be all over the place, and a noisy cafe will have jarred like crazy 💐
Your friends got it totally wrong but I bet they didn't mean to. I bet they've never been exposed to death.
My sister is one of those people. Two days after my mother in law's funeral (which she didn't attend despite having known her since childhood) she bounced up to my husband and exclaimed 'you look well!' No mention of his bereavement or anything. I think she was just embarrassed and didn't know what to say. And it came across as weird.
She (and I) are now in the position where we are days from losing our mum. I think my sister will get it right next time.

Redwinestillfine · 30/12/2021 17:10

Some people just don't know what to do and some people are pricks. Text her and tell her what you need from her right now. He response will tell you which she is.

Snuggledupforwinter · 30/12/2021 17:13

Very sorry for your loss. I can only think that maybe they're young and have not yet experienced the loss of a close partner, friend, or relative. But that still doesn't really fully explain the crass lack of empathy for your loss. They just dont understand the depth of your grief. I hope you have other friends who are more supportive in the coming weeks Flowers

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2021 17:14

She got it so wrong. Some people go into life goes on mode and try to distract grieving person.
Next time I'd be more blunt and tell her what you need - to meet her 1:1, somewhere quiet as you really need a shoulder.

JanisMoplin · 30/12/2021 17:16

I second a PP''s suggestion of a bereavement group. Right now, you need to be around people who have suffered your loss and understand it, or at least don't ignore it.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 30/12/2021 17:17

I'd say that the change of venue to a busy place, plus partner and both kids there really flummoxed you and it was too much. I'd then say that you think the party would also be too much for you right now.

Hopefully they'll get the message.

chocolatemademefat · 30/12/2021 17:17

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband this year and can honestly say it’s my friends who have got me through. She’s not the best person to turn to - some people can’t cope with grief and are incredibly clumsy in their attempts.
Be selfish and surround yourself with people who understand you need calm and kindness. There’s no correct amount of time to feel the way you are feeling - but it will get more bearable as time passes. I’m almost a year down the road and can look back on the good times - sometimes tearfully but not always. Choose a friend who lets you grieve at your own pace and doesn’t need details. How much you want to talk is your choice.
Your loss combined with this time of year is especially difficult. X

ittakes2 · 30/12/2021 17:17

Gosh I am so sorry.

SheWentWest · 30/12/2021 17:18

One if my 'friends' used a condolence message as an opportunity to let me know how excited she was about her upcoming holiday. Wtf.

DowntonCrabby · 30/12/2021 17:19

Totally massively insensitive, she should have left baby home with hubby and given you her undivided attention for an hour in a a quiet place.

The fact she replied to your declining of her party invite with “what’s the matter” tells me the coffee shop wasn’t just a lapse, she’s selfish and self centred. I’m so hugely sorry for your loss, I hope you have some good people around you to lean on, often those who will be there wholeheartedly will surprise you. Flowers

Midlander88 · 30/12/2021 17:19

These people sound totally insane! Maybe they thought bombarding you with distractions would help...but then the text about the party is actual madness!

They just don't know how to be with you so it sounds like they're trying to be 'ultra-normal' and coming across really weird.

Really hope you can get to chat/socialise with some more understanding people soon xxx Flowers

PappaPaddy · 30/12/2021 17:26

Oh, OP I'm so sorry for your loss.
There's really no need for people to be so insensitive or thoughtless. Often it's not about doing or saying the right things, it's just about being there. Or just a hug, letting you talk and just listening.

These are not true friends OP anybody with an ounce of common sense would know that a crowded, busy, chaotic coffee shop would be the wrong choice of venue for a start. Turning up with their kids and husband was just ridiculous. As if you'd want to be discussing all of the details and reading their child books. Totally inappropriate.

You'll do far better without these people around you. As previous posters have said, you'll certainly find out who your real friends are in circumstances such as these. You will also find friends you don't expect too.

Just be kind to yourself, and don't feel bad for cutting people off. They don't deserve consideration behaving as they have.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 30/12/2021 17:27

I’m so so sorry OP, both for your loss and your shit friends.

My Father passed away when I was in my teens and people were AWFUL. Not even necessarily out of badness simply because they have no idea what is appropriate or not.

He wanted to come for the drama. She saw nothing wrong with this.

I really would distance yourself, she doesn’t sound like she prioritises your feelings nor like she cares very much.

Malibuismysecrethome · 30/12/2021 17:28

If she had apologised for her insensitivity then that would help, but unfortunately you find out that those you thought would be there for you are really not.
You may also find you are no longer included in social gatherings going forward.

I’m sorry for your loss.

FFSFFSFFS · 30/12/2021 17:30

Selfish dickheads. I wouldn’t bother with them ever again and if they do contact you I would say no I don’t want to do (whatever) because you were such insensitive dicks.

Focus some of your anger on them if it helps get emotions out!!!

There will be other nice people who will be there for you xxxx

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 30/12/2021 17:33

People can be so insensitive. Whilst ur story is diabolical in itself, I'm open mouthed at the text ....wow, just wow. What's wrong? I'd have told them in no uncertain terms what was wrong. Cheeky fuckers. My condolences for your loss

MUM2TJ · 30/12/2021 17:33

Op can I ask did they know your partner ? We're you with him long? I know these questions shouldn't make a difference, just when my friends partner died, my friend had so called friends acting the same way yours did and it was mainly because they didn't know him so had no connection to him.also she had been with him a few months so they didn't see it as a fully fledged relationship( obviously my friend thought different and rightly so) so they didn't understand her grief

AliceAldridge · 30/12/2021 17:34

Massively insensitive! Sadly, when my Dad died, I found the only helpful people to be other people whose parents had died. Which weren't many people and I imagine are even fewer for you. Could you find a bereavement support group? It will really help to talk about it but not to these people (whose level of unhelpfulness borders on stupidity)

I am so sorry for your loss Flowers