AIBU - ‘Supportive’ friends upon partner dying.

[london2022]

My partner died suddenly 4 weeks ago (no underlying health issues - not COVID etc…) and I was obviously devastated. If I’m being frank; I have had a traumatic few weeks and couldn’t have told you what day of the week it was. I barely slept - and when I did - I would ‘crash’. I had no appetite… and just was in a terrible state. I called my friend the next morning - who was very sweet on the phone and said I should meet her/we could go for a walk or a coffee. Or both. She has a one year old baby (who I assumed she would bring with as I’m unsure if she is still breastfeeding). So I suggested our ‘usual’ quiet place (where we’ve been to with the baby - but we’ve obviously sat outside when with the baby). It is a neighbourhood restaurant - also with bar seating - and we often sit at the bar with some tea/coffee. Obviously I wasn’t looking to go out and drink/party. Clearly. I simply needed to get some air - and get off my phone as all I had been doing was making/fielding calls. Also; as mentioned; it’s our ‘usual spot’ - so we would both know what to ‘expect’ at such a place.

I’m en route - and she texted me with a change of destination. Asking to meet at a coffee place. I said ‘no problem’ as it was a 2 minute walk from where we were supposed to meet. I get there - and her husband and other unruly toddler is there. He gives me a hug and then says: ‘EEEEK!! You ok?’

The place is FULL of screaming kids - and even two who were jumping on the seats/booth next to us - whilst coughing everywhere. Where they were seated; was right next to the ‘coffee collection’ point - and so I was essentially back-to-back with people awaiting their order and baristas shouting out names. Another table had a child smash an iPad on the floor - and for some reason; I just wanted to cry at that alone.

I was on the verge of tears when I got there due to my personal situation - and if I’m being totally honest; didn’t feel like shouting (due to the noise) about my now-deceased partner in front of an extraordinarily busy coffee shop. She then shouted (over the table/her kids): ‘SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I just stared at her and started crying.

She then asked me to get her a coffee - which I did (as I wanted a cup of tea anyway).

Whilst I don’t mean to sound self-indulgent; I found her behaviour just totally insensitive. Her husband then kept asking for all the ‘details’ (which is fine - but again; I didn’t feel like raising my voice to explain) and then later asked me to read his son a book…

I left about 20 minutes later.

AUBU to feel bitter - even now - a few weeks later - that this was ‘support’…? (Please feel free to say whatever you honestly think).

I’m aware everyone obviously has their own lives/families/careers - as do I - but honestly; I got home - cried more than I already had - and slept for 14 hours afterwards. They didn’t reach again out until 9 days ago - to ask if I was free for drinks.

I sent them a response text stating I wouldn’t be going to their Christmas party - and they said: ‘OH NO! What’s the matter?’

I know my state of mind is a messed up one due to sheer grief - but AIBU?! I felt totally unsupported - and I’m not even a precious person. Truly. If anything; I’m that typical British stoic!

YANBU at all. There is so much wrong with the way they acted! I am so sorry your DP has died and that your friends are such insensitive idiots. Are they usually so horrible and self-centred?

I hope you have other, more supportive and understanding people around you. Sending you lots of love

@DownToTheSeaAgain

Is it possible they didn't understand the strength of your feeling for your partner or that you weren't married / together long? Doesn't justify behaviour but perhaps explains why they don't get your extended upset.

Extended upset?! It was a month ago. Bloody hell. And feelings don't automatically become more valid with marriage either.

I'm so sorry, OP. They are massively insensitive. It's pretty appalling. I'd take a huge step back. You are not at all unreasonable.

@WonderfulYou

Reading between the lines, I'd say that meeting up with your recently bereaved friend in a place full of loud children isn't a good idea. The noise was overwhelming for OP, and it might have felt like she was having her nose rubbed in happy families. Ditto with the friend bringing along her own family, especially as her husband asked for details about how her partner died. Salt right in the wound.

A better solution would have been a walk and a talk, the partner could have taken the toddler off to a play park for an hour or something and OP could have had a proper chat with her friend.

Much better than shouting "SO HE'S DEAD WTF" in a packed cafe.

So awful. It's sad, but these sorts of situations show who your true friends are - she's not one. It actually sounds really intrusive, the way they were fishing for details.

Some people really are too self-obsessed to care properly for others. I remember when my dad died (on a monday), I cancelled a night out on the Friday, and the 'friend' I was cancelling on said, 'you know, you can get stuck in grief. It's time to move on.'

I am so sorry for your loss - nothing can bring him back and there is just no good that comes from a death of someone so beloved, no upside, and no silver lining. It's just - always there. And it's even worse when it is not in the normal course of expectation.

I hope you find clarity on who is a real friend and who is doing all the taking - that you haven't noticed before because of being busy giving. Look to other friends who offer support. They may well be the people to align yourself with in future.

I'm so sorry OP.

It must have taken a lot of strength to go out to meet her and I'm sorry she failed, so badly, to give you any of the support you needed.

I think some people are just not sure what to do sometimes, myself included, but this friend just seems so incredibly insensitive.

I hope there are others that you know who will provide some understanding and comfort. You were right to decline her invitation.

@DownToTheSeaAgain

Is it possible they didn't understand the strength of your feeling for your partner or that you weren't married / together long? Doesn't justify behaviour but perhaps explains why they don't get your extended upset.

The fuck’s the matter with you? ‘Extended upset’? It’s been four weeks. I won’t sink so low as to call you the name that’s in my head. 🙄

They have been the opposite of supportive and made your grief superfluous and your meet up all about them. I’m so sorry.

No, I wouldn’t want to meet up with them. Would you like to do something eg tell them or dignified silence?

SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!”

The only, ONLY possible reason I can see for someone making such an ugly, insensitive comment would be if they had the impression (right or wrong) that the either deceased was abusive or that the relationship was on the verge of ending.

I disagree.
I lost someone a couple of months ago and I was in so much shock that I just kept saying “what the fuck”, “I can’t believe it, what the actual fuck” - which must have sounded horrendous but it’s all I could say.

My friend lost his dad in his early 20s and I said I’m sorry for your loss - and he bit my head off saying how he’s sick of people saying that.

@DownToTheSeaAgain is it possible you are a massive bell end? YES

OP they sound awful.

Yanbu - That wasn't the actions of someone who was just struggling with what to say and how to react, waste no more time on them they're not your friends hopefully other friends will step up to support you better xx

What effing planet do these people live on ????
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for this awful experience which kicked the legs from under you.
It’s 10 years since my DH was killed in a car crash. You are probably still in shock—- I can remember the shock as though it was yesterday. It affects everything , every physical and mental part of you.
I know none of us get training in “ what not to say when someone dies” but a bit of common sense on their part would have helped.
And anywhere that’s noisy is a no go area. Just a couple of hours ago I was talking to a friend who was bereaved 15 months ago, I was describing how having to go somewhere noisy and crowded ( with the obligatory screaming child or two) a few days after my DH died sent me weeping into a car park, fingers in my ears.
I can remember an open letter I saw online. I’ll try to find it and post a link.
Sending you a virtual healing hug.

There are times in life (usually the worst of times) when you find out who are your genuine friends and who are your "fair weather" friends.

I think your friend today was insensitive and thoughtless at best and probably thought that they could "jolly" you along in somewhere busy so you couldn't cry/breakdown.

Your best bet is to find some support groups with others who are going through the same............. when my baby was stillborn, a local support group absolutely saved my sanity.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself

Oh my word! They sound awful. If just one of them had behaved this way I might have tried to defend their insensitivity but the fact that they both did and one didn't 'check' the other's behaviour in this situation just says that they are collectively self-involved. They aren't your friends.

I hope you're okay OP

Reading between the lines, I'd say that meeting up with your recently bereaved friend in a place full of loud children isn't a good idea. The noise was overwhelming for OP, and it might have felt like she was having her nose rubbed in happy families. Ditto with the friend bringing along her own family, especially as her husband asked for details about how her partner died. Salt right in the wound.

She did ask to meet for a coffee though.
Some people like to be surrounded by people so they don’t have to think about it and some like to not see anyone else.

But unless OP made her feelings clear then her friend wouldn’t know. She said the noise was overwhelming but the friends might not have thought.

I just think this could have easily been a misunderstanding/making silly mistakes when they don’t know how to act or what to say - and we need to be careful telling someone who is already vulnerable and needs support in real life that they should ditch their friend.

Oh my darling. I need to hug you so badly. My heart goes out to you.

OP: I am very sorry for your loss.

WonderfulYou: As regards the friends: I can perhaps understand them not realizing that the location was not a great choice. But on what planet is it OK to respond to a bereavement with ‘SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!' or to demand details in a crowded location? Especially in front of their own children. I wonder if they might have a problem with alcohol or drugs, to be as inappropriate as that! I hope the OP has some better friends.

@AcrossthePond55

"SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!”

The only, ONLY possible reason I can see for someone making such an ugly, insensitive comment would be if they had the impression (right or wrong) that the either deceased was abusive or that the relationship was on the verge of ending. Still a stupid thing to say, though. Even if a relationship is new, it's still devastating. You may not have much of a shared 'history', but you do have a lot of hopes and dreams.

If I were you, I'd just quietly back away from this couple. It's not the right time for any kind of discussion or confrontation.

And I agree that a grief support group would be a good idea. And I'd look towards my other friends and family for any 'social needs' like walks, coffees, etc.

Yes. Either that or the OP had only just started dating their partner and the friend didn’t appreciate how upset they would be.

I do rather think it could be that. It certainly doesn’t sound as though it was a partner that the friend and husband knew.

Im so sorry for your loss, my deepest sympathies.

They are awful people and not your friends. They fact they wanted details suggests to me they want gossip and I'm sorry they did that to you.

If it were me I wouldn't contact them again. They don't deserve your friendship.

They sound awful OP and not friends at all, their behaviour isn't insensitive or misjudged it's obnoxious.
I agree with PPs over the coming weeks and months the importance of various relationships will change, one of my very best friends was just an acquaintance from my part time job, her dad suddenly had a heart attack and didn't survive. Over the months that followed those who had been her closest friends when she was the life and soul seemed to fade away, I would just check in with her when I was working when it was very fresh checked on her at home and her mum and sisters or just called for a chat if she wanted, dropped off essentials when needed and gradually we talked about other things but the contact stayed as frequent. I was eighteen and she was twenty one, I'm now 37 and she is 40 we are still very close, she was my maid of honour (and I will soon be hers), she's godmother to my son, we are both accepted as part of the others families. You'll find there will be people you might not feel very close to now who will step up when you don't expect it.

What dreadful people.
That’s so upsetting.
Sincerest condolences 💐

@CluelessAt50

Oh my darling. I need to hug you so badly. My heart goes out to you.

See that (from a total stranger) would annoy me much more than a genuine "what the fuck?"

We're all different. But a packed coffee place with an uninvited husband and shouting across tables was a mistake from the start. It would suit no-one.

I am so sorry about your husband. Your friend was insensitive. Her husband surely could have stayed at home with the toddler for a while. Even a walk somewhere to have a chat with some privacy would have been miles better than a loud coffee shop. Take care of yourself OP and grieve however you need to (i am utterly speechless at the ‘he’s dead’ comment. Vile)

@Ohpulltheotherone

Jesus some people are thick as shit.

I’m so sorry OP. You are not unreasonable to be both angry and upset over her totally insensitive and frankly, fucking stupid behaviour.

I personally wouldn’t continue with the friendship but that’s me. If a person can’t manage to scrap together even the most basic amount of empathy in the most devastating of circumstances then honestly there’s no hope for decent support in the future.

What an absolute arse.

Not the same but I have two friends who during a very traumatic period Where my parent died within 4 weeks of diagnosis (a traumatic and not at all peaceful passing) did nothing to offer support above text messages. No visits, no offers of meeting for coffee at the hospital, not even a card of bunch of flowers when they died. Did not attend the funeral or even invite me for a cuppa after.
I’ve never forgotten or forgiven it and I changed my approach towards both after the event. We are still social friends but I will never go out of my way for either of them again.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I have had similar from friends as indeed family after my dads recent death. People are ridiculous sometimes. It's dreadful behaviour. I'm so Sorry for your loss!

I’m so sorry for your loss. Completely bonkers and unacceptable behaviour. I hope you get the support you need.

@WonderfulYou

Read the OP again. OP hasn't had any support from these friends as of yet. That must be very hurtful for her. I'm not saying to ditch them, but it's not just a one off "silly understanding", they've acted shit so far.