AIBU - ‘Supportive’ friends upon partner dying.

[london2022]

My partner died suddenly 4 weeks ago (no underlying health issues - not COVID etc…) and I was obviously devastated. If I’m being frank; I have had a traumatic few weeks and couldn’t have told you what day of the week it was. I barely slept - and when I did - I would ‘crash’. I had no appetite… and just was in a terrible state. I called my friend the next morning - who was very sweet on the phone and said I should meet her/we could go for a walk or a coffee. Or both. She has a one year old baby (who I assumed she would bring with as I’m unsure if she is still breastfeeding). So I suggested our ‘usual’ quiet place (where we’ve been to with the baby - but we’ve obviously sat outside when with the baby). It is a neighbourhood restaurant - also with bar seating - and we often sit at the bar with some tea/coffee. Obviously I wasn’t looking to go out and drink/party. Clearly. I simply needed to get some air - and get off my phone as all I had been doing was making/fielding calls. Also; as mentioned; it’s our ‘usual spot’ - so we would both know what to ‘expect’ at such a place.

I’m en route - and she texted me with a change of destination. Asking to meet at a coffee place. I said ‘no problem’ as it was a 2 minute walk from where we were supposed to meet. I get there - and her husband and other unruly toddler is there. He gives me a hug and then says: ‘EEEEK!! You ok?’

The place is FULL of screaming kids - and even two who were jumping on the seats/booth next to us - whilst coughing everywhere. Where they were seated; was right next to the ‘coffee collection’ point - and so I was essentially back-to-back with people awaiting their order and baristas shouting out names. Another table had a child smash an iPad on the floor - and for some reason; I just wanted to cry at that alone.

I was on the verge of tears when I got there due to my personal situation - and if I’m being totally honest; didn’t feel like shouting (due to the noise) about my now-deceased partner in front of an extraordinarily busy coffee shop. She then shouted (over the table/her kids): ‘SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!” I just stared at her and started crying.

She then asked me to get her a coffee - which I did (as I wanted a cup of tea anyway).

Whilst I don’t mean to sound self-indulgent; I found her behaviour just totally insensitive. Her husband then kept asking for all the ‘details’ (which is fine - but again; I didn’t feel like raising my voice to explain) and then later asked me to read his son a book…

I left about 20 minutes later.

AUBU to feel bitter - even now - a few weeks later - that this was ‘support’…? (Please feel free to say whatever you honestly think).

I’m aware everyone obviously has their own lives/families/careers - as do I - but honestly; I got home - cried more than I already had - and slept for 14 hours afterwards. They didn’t reach again out until 9 days ago - to ask if I was free for drinks.

I sent them a response text stating I wouldn’t be going to their Christmas party - and they said: ‘OH NO! What’s the matter?’

I know my state of mind is a messed up one due to sheer grief - but AIBU?! I felt totally unsupported - and I’m not even a precious person. Truly. If anything; I’m that typical British stoic!

How horrendous for you, sending sincere sympathy

so sorry for your loss. That’s such a shocking thing to happen - no time to prepare or say what you need too. Please look after yourself the best you can.

Your friends sound completely insensitive and may not be the right friends for now. I wonder why they thought this was ok and am assuming they are young with no experience of loss or grief. A friend of mine list her partner and joined a group called ‘widowed and young’. You don’t have to have been married and I’m not sure what counts as young but she was late 30s. I know she found it hugely supportive being around people who truly understood.

Tough times ahead for you as you go through the process of grieving and I hope you get the support you need with that journey and that you find growth and connection along the way and that one day your joy returns.

OP that's really insensitive

Was there any indication she'd bring him eg saying "we" instead of "I"? Sounds like a last minute thing that he came.

I agree with PPs that you learn who your friends are when something huge happens.

If I were you I would text get back and say "Well my husband died so I don't really feel like partying.

Also I wasn't sure whether to say anything but I was really upset the other day as I felt you were a bit insensitive to how difficult this still us for me. I was looking forward to chatting with you but wasn't expecting us to have to shout about my dead husband across the table in a crowded cafe. I'm sure you didn't mean to upset me but it just seemed like you were a bit oblivious to what I'm dealing with"

When I lost my daughter I found out who my friends were. I've made it clear she was wrapped up in herself.

One would text to ask how I am but then I'd text her and not get a reply for weeks. Eventually she'd text me back and say she's been having a hard time... I still talk to her occasionally but I make next to zero effort.

Another didn't text me for no the after and did the same again after I told her I felt let down.

A third sounds a bit like your friend and I sent her a what I now think was a harsh text telling her she'd been a bit of a shit friend and I expected that to be the end of it but to my pleasant surprise she apologised and said she'd make more effort and she did.

If you're honest with her you will see whether she's a real friend or not.

Another

I'm so sorry for your loss

So sorry that these friends were total self centred idiots.

So sorry for your loss.

If you haven't discovered them WAY (widowed and young) group if full of other widow/ers who have lost a partner when they've been under 50.

I've known several people who have massively benefitted from this.

Really hope the coming months bring light & healing for you.

I voted YABU because I don’t think they were purposefully being malicious.

Unless I’ve missed it you didn’t say you just wanted it to be you and her, and I assume her partner came to show his support to you.
The change of venue could have been because the first place was busy.

It’s obviously horrendous loosing anyone but I also think it’s difficult for other people to know the right thing to do or say.

I would be more specific and text her and ask her to meet up just the two of you. I know she’s got a young baby but if possible sharing a bottle of wine might be a good thing to do.

As PPs said it’s true you find out who your friends are when times are tough, but try not to push away those who are genuine friends because they’ve made a silly mistake.

@DownToTheSeaAgain

Is it possible they didn't understand the strength of your feeling for your partner or that you weren't married / together long? Doesn't justify behaviour but perhaps explains why they don't get your extended upset.

I don't really think that 4 weeks after the unexpected death of a partner can be regarded as 'extended upset'

I'm lost for words !!

What ignorant and horrible self-indulgent people.

So sorry for your sad loss x

@WonderfulYou

I voted YABU because I don’t think they were purposefully being malicious.

Unless I’ve missed it you didn’t say you just wanted it to be you and her, and I assume her partner came to show his support to you.
The change of venue could have been because the first place was busy.

It’s obviously horrendous loosing anyone but I also think it’s difficult for other people to know the right thing to do or say.

I would be more specific and text her and ask her to meet up just the two of you. I know she’s got a young baby but if possible sharing a bottle of wine might be a good thing to do.

As PPs said it’s true you find out who your friends are when times are tough, but try not to push away those who are genuine friends because they’ve made a silly mistake.

Honestly?

Are people genuinely that thick? No thought or empathy for anyone else?

What possible support would they have been able to show under those circumstances?

They weren't malicious that's true. Thoughtless, selfish and self-centred more like.

They sound like grief tourists.

I’ve seen this before - at a recent family bereavement, a friend turned up the next day (unusual in itself as she was hardly a close friend)… and also brought her husband and two gormless teenage sons! Seems they all wanted to be in the thick of it, and also fit in a trip to the beach.

I’m sorry for your loss.

They sound barking mad tbh.

Tbh with you l am appalled at their behaviour, they should be ashamed of themselves and l am so sorry you had to put up with that

💐

@endofthelinefinally

This is pretty normal IME. Over the next few months you will discover who your real friends are. The ones who care enough to keep trying, even if they don't quite get it right at first. You will find that some people you didn't think of as close friends will actually come through for you and will become good friends. You will make new friends, usually people that get it, who have been through the same experience and understand. And some people you thought were good friends will disappear. I am so very sorry for your loss.

This.

Your friend isn't a real friend and sounds thick as shit actually.

Do not waste your limited energy on being disappointed or upset.

Save your limited energy.

She really isn't worth it.

A bereavement group is a great idea.

The shock of this will take a long time to be fully believable for you.

I am so very sorry.

AUBU to feel bitter - even now - a few weeks later - that this was ‘support’…? (Please feel free to say whatever you honestly think).

YANBU. They sound disgusting and insensitive. If my friend had had a recent bereavement, I would ask them where they wanted to meet and stuck to it, and no way would I bring my partner with me; did you know he'd be there? I wouldn't dream of asking about details, how horrible. And not checking in on you for 9 days? If she is a close friend she should have offered practical support with funeral arrangements, checked that you've eaten, slept, just fancied a shoulder to cry on etc.

My mum died suddenly when I was a teenager. It was interesting how different people reacted to it/me. I'd say the most supportive friends were the ones who treated me the 'same' and didn't pry but checked up on me in their own way. Some people were very awkward about it, some acted like bereavement is contagious, my oldest friend didn't speak to me for two weeks and then gave me a very tearful apology that she hadn't known what to say. Condolences OP, grief is brutal, you need supportive friends around you, not these bellends .

@DownToTheSeaAgain

Is it possible they didn't understand the strength of your feeling for your partner or that you weren't married / together long? Doesn't justify behaviour but perhaps explains why they don't get your extended upset.

Extended upset?

It's clear the OP's partner wasn't a 5 minute boyfriend from her post

My friend lost her DH over a year ago. She still has minutes/hours/days of overwhelming grief, in between living her life.

Is her grief 'extended upset'?

You're clearly cut from the same cloth as the 'friend' with that thoughtless statement

I sent them a response text stating I wouldn’t be going to their Christmas party - and they said: ‘OH NO! What’s the matter?’

If you haven't replied yet, I suggest sending "What on earth do you think might be the matter?" Make them do a tiny amount of mental work here.

I'm very sorry for your loss

So sorry to hear of your loss OP.

As pp have said, you find out who your true friends are. When my brother died my mum (he was her only son) was subjected to some truly baffling behaviour from certain unbelievably insensitive people who were supposed to be friends.

"SO HE’S DEAD?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!”

The only, ONLY possible reason I can see for someone making such an ugly, insensitive comment would be if they had the impression (right or wrong) that the either deceased was abusive or that the relationship was on the verge of ending. Still a stupid thing to say, though. Even if a relationship is new, it's still devastating. You may not have much of a shared 'history', but you do have a lot of hopes and dreams.

If I were you, I'd just quietly back away from this couple. It's not the right time for any kind of discussion or confrontation.

And I agree that a grief support group would be a good idea. And I'd look towards my other friends and family for any 'social needs' like walks, coffees, etc.

What possible support would they have been able to show under those circumstances?

What circumstances?

They were planning to go to the restaurant but changed their mind when they got there - sounds like it was too busy.

So the closest place was a cafe which also happened to be busy - not their fault.

OP could also be friends with the partner, she didn’t say not to bring him.

So he came either to show his support (incase she thought he was avoiding her) or because OP said the friend isn’t comfortable leaving the baby so the plan could have been for him to sit at another table with the baby - but it was way too busy as OP said.

What would have been a better solution?
To have got there, realised it was too busy and then phone her and cancel?

YANBU at all.. do your friends know what the word dead actually means? Jesus, I show more compassion to my friends going through a breakup! I'm sorry for your loss op I hope you have some other close people to comfort you

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. It is horrible not be able to trust your judgement on these things. Even for a culture which is stunningly bad about death and how to support the bereaved, your friend appears to be particularly insensitive and lacking thought - sounds like she treated this like a regular catch up over coffee. But for peace of mind it would be worth telling them how upset you are.

Jesus some people are thick as shit.

I’m so sorry OP. You are not unreasonable to be both angry and upset over her totally insensitive and frankly, fucking stupid behaviour.

I personally wouldn’t continue with the friendship but that’s me. If a person can’t manage to scrap together even the most basic amount of empathy in the most devastating of circumstances then honestly there’s no hope for decent support in the future.

What an absolute arse.

Not the same but I have two friends who during a very traumatic period Where my parent died within 4 weeks of diagnosis (a traumatic and not at all peaceful passing) did nothing to offer support above text messages. No visits, no offers of meeting for coffee at the hospital, not even a card of bunch of flowers when they died. Did not attend the funeral or even invite me for a cuppa after.
I’ve never forgotten or forgiven it and I changed my approach towards both after the event. We are still social friends but I will never go out of my way for either of them again.

I’m so sorry for your loss

This isn’t them trying and failing. This is them being completely and utterly oblivious and not even thinking.

I just cannot imagine in what world, if my friend told me their partner had died, that I would yell “so he’s dead? What the fuck!”

I can only imagine they’re either stupid, desperately insensitive, ignorant of human decency or all three.

I’m so sorry, OP. I nearly lost my husband very suddenly and count my lucky stars every day that he was saved. What you’re going through must be a living hell.