Ex DIL leaving 8 year old in house alone

[billybobhonking]

Over the Christmas period I have found out my ex DIL has been leaving my 8 year old granddaughter alone in the house while she 'nips' to the shops. However, she can be gone for around about an hour.

When I brought up my concern to my son he said that he was fine with it, granddaughter is quite mature for her age I suppose. He said that ex DIL had spoken to her about what to do in an emergency/ to not answer the door etc. She has a snib on the door so whilst granddaughter is locked in she can very easily gets out. Ex DIL phoned her to check in.

It just doesn't sit right with me, I can't imagine leaving any of my boys alone at that age. Maybe in the car to nip into a shop quickly but nothing more than that. But since my son says he's fine about it I feel like there isn't much I can do. Other than look for reassurance that this is ok?

We are in Scotland and so there are no specific laws on this, it's up to the parents discretion but she just turned 8 in October. I feel it is far too young.

I could possibly speak to ex DILs mum to have a word but don't want to upset anyone.

AIBU to be concerned about this? I mean what about a fire? My son says she knows what to do but she 8 years old! Of course she doesn't know what to do!!

@liveforsummer

Yes, no child is allowed to go home alone.
I realise it's very unusual but no-one actually walks to school, mainly due to distance.

We live the nearest to the school and only walk home in the summer months assuming it's good weather. Imagine living in a very rural location with only fields/woods and a few houses dotted about. The roads are narrow with no pavements, cats eyes or lighting and some families live quite a distance, up to 15k away.

Keep out, it’s massively MOYB, both parents are fine with it and have assessed their DD as capable of being left.

I have an 8 year old (nearly 9) we haven’t had to leave him but I know he’s be fine for a quick nip out- even up to an hour. I wouldn’t have dreamt of leaving my eldest at that age as I know she’d have been anxious. Every child is different.

It’s fine to have whatever opinion you have though, just keep it to yourself.

@IdontWanna, fair points, all. I don't have kids myself, but do see how my friends' kids are generally much more limited in both their responsibilities and opportunities. I'm not sure at all that the world has become that much less safe in the intervening time! Like some other posters, I was in Germany at that age. I do recall that when we left Germany, I was surprised at what I viewed as the general incompentence of my classmates...so maybe it's got worse (re. children learning independence) in many places, but cultural differences as to expectations still persist,

[quote FatBettyintheCoop]@liveforsummer

Yes, no child is allowed to go home alone.
I realise it's very unusual but no-one actually walks to school, mainly due to distance.

We live the nearest to the school and only walk home in the summer months assuming it's good weather. Imagine living in a very rural location with only fields/woods and a few houses dotted about. The roads are narrow with no pavements, cats eyes or lighting and some families live quite a distance, up to 15k away.
[/quote]
Yes that is very unusual. Most schools are at least in a village and not completely remote. Round here the schools in very small villages have mostly been closed so there will always be kids in walking distance. Here dc are handed over to an adult in p1 and p2 (yrR and yr1) p3 there is an expectation an adult will come and the child is told to return to the teacher if they don't find them. My dd is now in p4 (yr3) and plenty of her classmates walk home, albeit I expect, but don't know, that a parent is as home and the school will be the same. They can't actually know. This is in Scotland and it does seem rather more relaxed here in terms of school rules and generally giving dc independence. My dc have been able to play out unsupervised with plenty friends for example and it's very much the norm wherever it's safe to do so. The OP is also in Scotland though so won't be in areas where schools don't let 11 and 12 yea old primary dc leave without an adult

@liveforsummer

*I left a 11 yr old for 10 mins and came back to a smashed window where he'd been playing bouncy ball with the dog in the sitting room. Victorian glass is brittle and breaks easily. I'd not have foreseen that happening.*

My 8 year old knows no tot play with balls in the hoist and why as that is absolutely something I could foresee happening

Yes houses can erupt into flames. My old tumble dryer suddenly started smoking. Luckily I was in the room and was able to unplug it instantly. What would have happened if I'd been out?

I always unplug my tumble dryer when not in use, and I'd never leave the house with it on. Risks can be mitigated

Yes, risks can be mitigated, of course. It's still irresponsible for the PP to say that houses don't just burst into flames.

Sometimes, they do. Rare but it does happen, for one reason or another.

I have an 8 yo and would not leave her alone at home. She's very sensible but I just wouldn't.

In my opinion it depends on the child

It does. At eight, I had a house key and was walking myself to school and back and a parent didn’t come home til 60-90 minutes sometimes later if my dad stopped by his parents on his way home or there was traffic. The school was in sight and in walking distance from our home. I knew my parents work numbers and extensions and both sides of grandparents by heart. I knew what to do if there was a fire (this was taught in school by firefighters for all years in primary school), told not to open the door for anyone, not to use the stove, not to put metal in the microwave and call when I made it home. I spent the time in between doing homework and watching cartoons. It never occurred to me to do more than that. My parents would take me on errands and let me stay in the car and I would sit there and read a book until they returned. If I couldn’t be trusted or mature enough, they wouldn’t have done so. It was also normal for kids to walk home alone as long as the school had a signed permission slip from parents or guardians.

Too young for me if it is an hour like you say but if both parents are fine with it I think you have to grit your teeth on this one.

But in actual fact, this thread isn't really about what the right age is to be left for a little while, it's about whether OP should take it up with her ex-dil's mother.

That’s a good point.

I would say she is being unreasonable considering she is assuming she knows more about her granddaughter’s capabilities than their own parents and especially more than her ex DIL. It’s more about her looking at her granddaughter’s age than her actual maturity. OP could say something but she shouldn’t be surprised if she gets told to mind her own business or her opinions brushed off because that’s what they really are and she has no say in the matter, concerned or not.

wine and roses it would be utter nonsense if the child was 5 or 6 but at 8, no it's a choice that can legitimately go either way. People on this thread who are categorically stating as fact that it is or isn't OK are wrong. It may or may not be depending in the particular child, the whereabout and neighbourhood of the house and all sorts. It's not an obvious 'no' and not a safeguarding concern. The op can express her concern to her son, but thats it.

I left a 11 yr old for 10 mins and came back to a smashed window where he'd been playing bouncy ball with the dog in the sitting room.
My mother kicked my lo-lo ball down the stairs and through the glass window next to the front door. She was in her thirties.

It's at the parents discretion not the grandparents discretion so you are interfering.

Sounds very interfering, one grandma being unhappy about some arrangement doesn't mean the arrangement has to change. The good thing is this will be less and less of the issue, as the DGD will grow only older. Having a word with xDIL's mum sounds openly hostile, the level appropriate for drugs or very excessive drinking, not for not aligned parenting preferences.

Bit OT, but on a related topic. I'm not from UK, and was always wondering when I read here "school wouldn't allow the child to leave unaccompanied"... What right does the school have to restrain children from leaving when school is over, child is ready to do so and parent expressed that in a written form?
I walked to and from school unaccompanied from the age of six, my mum was at home when I got back, the route was several minutes, reasonably safe and the school just accepted written instructions and sent me home at the correct time. Majority of those living nearby went by themselves, just at different times (after school or from after-school club).

Icedcoffee got any evidence that “millions” of parents in the UK leave their 8 year old child on their own for an hour or more whilst they go shopping? Or have you just plucked that figure out your head?

My friends friend used to leave an 8 year old all day and go off to work! I think 8 is a bit young to leave . But if she has a phone and there was an emergency she could make a call.

@lastqueenofscotland

Are you the poster who posts every month or so about how awful a parent your DIL is but your son is blameless?

Depends on the 8 year old, I know 8 year olds who are more trustworthy than 14/15 year olds, I know some who are more like 5/6 year olds in terms of maturity.
Don’t speak to her mother for fucks sake.

This

Stop meddling.

Is this the OP with the ex-DIL that she’s had several issues with including her non-invite to a Christmas pantomime because her son didn’t get the tickets, accused her ex-Dil of child neglect re homework etc?
Asking because it seems awfully familiar

@Lolabray

My friends friend used to leave an 8 year old all day and go off to work! I think 8 is a bit young to leave . But if she has a phone and there was an emergency she could make a call.

Ironically I think a full day/8 hour shift is too long and I would raise concerns about it in my line of work. I wouldn't (depending on the kid) if they said mum left them for 15 mins to pop to the shop, or even an hour.

Blank statements and generalisations can be harmful in this instance on both sides. Either kids with no independence and skills to deal with being on their own , or children that are put in vulnerable situation . Probably why there are no actual set laws and the guidances err of the older side of caution.

@icedcoffees
Would you like to be regularly called on to stay at home so that a neighbour can go out and leave her young daughter home alone?
I wouldn’t!

OP, I would try to find out what the legal implications are and maybe enquire with SS if there are rules about this.
I personally would never have left my kids alone at that age, they started to become more independent before leaving primary school but certainly not at 8. My main worry would be what might happen if ‘undesirables’ knocked on the door, thru could be surveilling the house or even be aware that a child is left there alone.
I hope things get sorted OP, you have my support.

They not thru

I’d have my doubts about the accuracy of the OP’s assertions

[quote GrazingSheep]@icedcoffees
Would you like to be regularly called on to stay at home so that a neighbour can go out and leave her young daughter home alone?
I wouldn’t![/quote]
Then you'd well within your rights to say no, of course.

But it's a pretty common suggestion - parents go out and leave DC home alone for an evening for the first time, and advice is very often to let the neighbours (or a nearby relative) know just in case there's any kind of problem.

It was the norm when I was younger too, I always knew I could go to my neighbours if there was an issue. Once or twice I forgot my key in my blazer at school - my neighbours were always more than happy to allow me to come in and ring my parents or have a snack while I waited.

If someone called on me and it wasn't convenient I would just say so and not feel bad, but I'd happily keep an ear out if I was going to be home anyway. It's no skin off my nose really.

My DD is 8 and I leave her for a little while. She is extremely mature, and can contact me but she never has. In fact she loves being alone in the house.

If both parents are ok with it then it's not your place to raise objections.