Ex DIL leaving 8 year old in house alone

[billybobhonking]

Over the Christmas period I have found out my ex DIL has been leaving my 8 year old granddaughter alone in the house while she 'nips' to the shops. However, she can be gone for around about an hour.

When I brought up my concern to my son he said that he was fine with it, granddaughter is quite mature for her age I suppose. He said that ex DIL had spoken to her about what to do in an emergency/ to not answer the door etc. She has a snib on the door so whilst granddaughter is locked in she can very easily gets out. Ex DIL phoned her to check in.

It just doesn't sit right with me, I can't imagine leaving any of my boys alone at that age. Maybe in the car to nip into a shop quickly but nothing more than that. But since my son says he's fine about it I feel like there isn't much I can do. Other than look for reassurance that this is ok?

We are in Scotland and so there are no specific laws on this, it's up to the parents discretion but she just turned 8 in October. I feel it is far too young.

I could possibly speak to ex DILs mum to have a word but don't want to upset anyone.

AIBU to be concerned about this? I mean what about a fire? My son says she knows what to do but she 8 years old! Of course she doesn't know what to do!!

I don’t know any schools who allow year 3 to walk home alone.

Me neither, but you can also be 8 and in year 4, and the Junior schools near here do allow them to walk home alone from that age, assuming parents have given written permission. I doubt we're the only town in the country that allows that either.

@billybobhonking I definitely agree with you that 8 is far too young to be left alone in case of a fire or other emergency.

But...it'll be on the parent's conscience if anything goes wrong.
It's their choice to leave an 8 yr old child alone, and them that has to live with consequences if it ends badly and she has an accident.

Her parents are happy. It's not illegal.
Also if she's online playing with friends eg Roblox etc so chatting away constantly then it's a lot different than being cut off from the world and alone in that sense.

For those comparing it to the 2 sets of twin boys who died in their house fire, they were 3 and 4 years old, not 8. It's really not a fair comparison.

@FatBettyintheCoop

I think it’s far too young to be left alone and I’m only now leaving 12yr old DS for short periods.

I wonder if those posters saying MYOB are also the same ones berating the mother whose children were left alone and died in a house fire just before Christmas?

Do you live near enough to ex-DIL that you could offer to babysit when she needs to go shopping?

Absolutely this. I left a 11 yr old for 10 mins and came back to a smashed window where he'd been playing bouncy ball with the dog in the sitting room. Victorian glass is brittle and breaks easily. I'd not have foreseen that happening.

I wouldn't leave my 8 year old home alone or in the car alone while I went into a shop.

I remember being a kid and my parents doing both though and being left in the car felt a lot more risky to me than being at home. One time some random guy got in the car and then got out again when he saw my parent returning and another time the car got hit.

Why was it OK when you do it but not when she does it?

My DCs used to play out in the woods with friends alongside the farm track - 5-8 year olds. No mobiles. But if my youngest DC were happy I'd surely let him entertain himself at home providing all safety measures were in place - he could contact me, knew not to open door to strangers, had a willing neighbour to contact and my mobile. I would not interfere with ex DIL or contact her mother. I might possibly make sure my son was happy with it but would be prepared for a "keep your beak out">

My dd is 8, ive just started leaving her for short times like when I'm picking her sister up from an activity, occasionally then I'll be a bit longer than the 10-15 minutes as I'll pop in to a shop, some ties the queue is longer than others. 8 is normally the youngest accepted age to do this. My eldest was a bit older but I'm a bit more relaxed 2nd time around and dd2 is particularly mature/confident

All those people saying it’s none of your business - ignore them they’re talking absolute crap of course it’s your business it’s your grand daughter. 8 IS too young to be left home alone, what if something did happen to her? Would all these people saying it’s none of your business be saying the same thing then? No they wouldn’t it would be the same people saying the grandmother knew and did nothing! You need to speak to your son - I’d start with him

@JaninaDuszejko

and also potentially returning to any empty house

Our primary school won't let children walk home alone if there's no adult at home.

How on earth could a primary school know or police this?

@Warblerinwinter

I mean what about a fire? My son says she knows what to do but she 8 years old! Of course she doesn't know what to do!!

Do you? The only things you need to know about a fire is

1. Mitigate risks of having a fire in first place- an 8 year old is perfectly capable of understanding not to play with fire, light candles, or start a bonfire in the same way as I am. They get taught this at school, at home, and pretty much rammed down their throats
2. If there is a fire, get out. Do not attempt to put it out, get out. Then call 999. Most kids a lot younger than 8 know to get out. It is crazy adults that think that are capable of trying to put fires out and put their lives at risk

I have a relative who is a fireman. He says unless you live in deprived areas with poor housing conditions, smoke, or light chip pans, or overload electrical sockets the risk of house fire in tiny. Houses simply do not spontaneously irrupt into flames.

Stop helicoptering. Educate your grandchild to be independent and self reliant for goodness sake.

This is really irresponsible!

Yes houses can erupt into flames. My old tumble dryer suddenly started smoking. Luckily I was in the room and was able to unplug it instantly. What would have happened if I'd been out?

Similarly, my lodger's hairdryer, which she was using with a converter from European to UK plugs, suddenly started smoking. Again I was in the room at the time - what if I hadn't been?

At the time, I thought it was because both items were old, but now I wonder if it was the wiring in that house.

In some ways it's safer than in the car. Car could be hit by another vehicle, broken into and stolen etc. If the child is mature enough it comes down to parental choice. At that age I did leave my boys to pop to the shop. However the shop was opposite our house so I could see the front door almost the entire time as was only a corner shop. I was also only gone for 5 minutes at most as it would usually be we needed milk. An hour is a long time but that's her parents choice to make and if dad is OK with it not much you can do.

I left a 11 yr old for 10 mins and came back to a smashed window where he'd been playing bouncy ball with the dog in the sitting room.
Victorian glass is brittle and breaks easily. I'd not have foreseen that happening.

My 8 year old knows no tot play with balls in the hoist and why as that is absolutely something I could foresee happening

Yes houses can erupt into flames. My old tumble dryer suddenly started smoking. Luckily I was in the room and was able to unplug it instantly. What would have happened if I'd been out?

I always unplug my tumble dryer when not in use, and I'd never leave the house with it on. Risks can be mitigated

Because my son doesn't leave her alone when she is at his house but ex DIL does.

How much time per week does she spend with your son, as compared with the time she spends with your DIL? If it's only a relatively short time, that doesn't really make it a valid comparison because he can presumably organise matters so that he doesn't need to make an extra shopping trip. And do you help your son out with that?

@Wineandroses3

All those people saying it’s none of your business - ignore them they’re talking absolute crap of course it’s your business it’s your grand daughter. 8 IS too young to be left home alone, what if something did happen to her? Would all these people saying it’s none of your business be saying the same thing then? No they wouldn’t it would be the same people saying the grandmother knew and did nothing! You need to speak to your son - I’d start with him

Why have you decided eight is too young, though? The law doesn't give a minimum appropriate age for a reason - because it varies so much between individual children and their circumstances.

If something happened, the police would weigh up all sorts of things before deciding whether the parents were responsible. It's a parents' job to weigh up whether the risks outweigh the benefits or vice versa.

I left a 11 yr old for 10 mins and came back to a smashed window where he'd been playing bouncy ball with the dog in the sitting room. Victorian glass is brittle and breaks easily. I'd not have foreseen that happening.

But then that could happen just as easily while you were upstairs or in the garden. I think most parents would have a fair idea of whether their child was or was not prone to taking stupid risks.

I left a 11 yr old for 10 mins and came back to a smashed window where he'd been playing bouncy ball with the dog in the sitting room.

Most 11yo should know not to play with balls inside the house, surely?

All those people saying it’s none of your business - ignore them they’re talking absolute crap of course it’s your business it’s your grand daughter

It's really not OP's business, it is a parenting decision and she is not the parent.

The law does not specify at what age a child can be left alone only that it should not be for overly long periods or overnight and that parent should use their judgement on how mature their child is before deciding to leave them alone.

It sounds like her parents have done this.

It wouldn't sot right with me at all. I would try to impress this upon your son.

• This is really irresponsible!

Yes houses can erupt into flames. My old tumble dryer suddenly started smoking. Luckily I was in the room and was able to unplug it instantly. What would have happened if I'd been out?

Similarly, my lodger's hairdryer, which she was using with a converter from European to UK plugs, suddenly started smoking. Again I was in the room at the time - what if I hadn't been?*

By that logic a parent can never take a long bath, put the laundry outside, take the bins out, get or deliver a package to a neighbour and maybe even chat for a bit just in case a random fire starts when they're not in the same room.

In my opinion it depends on the child and if 1.they are sensible and trained what to do AND 2.if they are comfortable being left alone. DD (10) for example, is super sensible and has been for a while and she literally wouldn't move from the sofa with her ipad but doesn't like it so I don't it.

You have expressed your concerns to your son. He is happy with it, he probably doing the same.

Leave it alone unless your grandchild told you they felt uncomfortable with it.

Just turned 8, you say? So the Scottish equivalent to Year 3? Legal or not, as a teacher I'd be expected to report it from a safeguarding perspective if I knew about a kid in year 3 being left home alone. As to what you do as her grandparent, I don't know. Maybe mention to your son that the kid's school would likely be concerned if they knew?

Icedcoffee and why have you decided that 8 is old enough to be left home alone? Some 6 year olds i know are more responsible that some 8 year olds - is 6 ok aswell then???
8 years old is just a child for God’s sake.

@liveforsummer

At our primary school, all children are collected by an adult at the school gate or they catch the school bus. No child is allowed to leave unaccompanied.
The school bus drops the child off to a waiting adult rather than leaves them to walk home alone. It could be a half mile walk up a quiet road/boreen.

I think the issue about leaving children at home also depends on whereabouts you live. I have to drive about 7 miles to the nearest supermarket so it's not a five minute trot to the corner shop. Doing a 'quick shop' is likely to take me at least 30-60mins door to door. I wouldn't drive all the way there just to buy some bread and milk.

Where I grew up, we all knew our immediate neighbours so if you had a problem, you could run round to get 'Aunty' Doreen from number 15 to come and help. When I cut myself badly aged about 8, one of my neighbours with a car drove me to the hospital to get it stitched. Mum didn't drive and we didn't have a phone either.

Many people on mumsnet don't appear to know their neighbours very well which seems very weird to me.

In my opinion it depends on the child

It really does.

My 10yo I'd happily leave alone as they're very sensible, mature, and capable, very able to follow basic ground rules and can be trusted to behave. They've been stayed alonenfor short periods since atound the age of 8. I could not have left my 12yo at that age as they were a liability, weren't very sensible, and wouldn't have followed the rules. They can now so have started to stay home for short periods. You risk assess based on the individual child.