Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex DIL leaving 8 year old in house alone

183 replies

billybobhonking · 30/12/2021 13:05

Over the Christmas period I have found out my ex DIL has been leaving my 8 year old granddaughter alone in the house while she 'nips' to the shops. However, she can be gone for around about an hour.

When I brought up my concern to my son he said that he was fine with it, granddaughter is quite mature for her age I suppose. He said that ex DIL had spoken to her about what to do in an emergency/ to not answer the door etc. She has a snib on the door so whilst granddaughter is locked in she can very easily gets out. Ex DIL phoned her to check in.

It just doesn't sit right with me, I can't imagine leaving any of my boys alone at that age. Maybe in the car to nip into a shop quickly but nothing more than that. But since my son says he's fine about it I feel like there isn't much I can do. Other than look for reassurance that this is ok?

We are in Scotland and so there are no specific laws on this, it's up to the parents discretion but she just turned 8 in October. I feel it is far too young.

I could possibly speak to ex DILs mum to have a word but don't want to upset anyone.

AIBU to be concerned about this? I mean what about a fire? My son says she knows what to do but she 8 years old! Of course she doesn't know what to do!!

OP posts:
UserBot99 · 30/12/2021 14:37

Depends on the eight year old. My DD would have been fine but my son might have tried to make a cake. But your X DIL knows her daughter.

It isn't easy being a single parent. I did used to be out for 30 minutes to grab milk or bread and my two kids fighting was the biggest 'hazard'.

If anybody had reported me it only would have meant no milk in our tea in the mornings which we all would have found tough, or no sandwiches the next day at school, I didn't have somebody to mind them when I had to go and get something. Leaving them wasn't a regular occurrence but it's not possible to never do it/ run out of something.

BoodleBug51 · 30/12/2021 14:38

I would find it concerning, to say the least.

However, I think I'd come it at it from the angle of saying you're always happy for her to be dropped off for an hour or two if she has errands to run. Rather than making it confrontational and something you can't come back from.

Cuddlemuffin · 30/12/2021 14:43

Why don't you ask if your grand-daughter can give you a ring while her mum is out at the shop? That way you know she's safe and don't have to worry and you're not treading on parents' toes. I think you can say that it would be a nice opportunity to catch up with grand-daughter whilst mum is out and has the benefit of her chatting with a responsible adult when she's gone alone.

OverTheRubicon · 30/12/2021 14:46

People here always talk about fires, but I'd be more concerned about people at the door. We get some weird people around here who knock at doors, it would be scary for an 8 year old and I'd also not like them to realise an 8 year old is home alone. If anything happened, does she have a landline so could make an emergency call? I'm also alone with children around the same age, so understand the challenge.

Derbee · 30/12/2021 14:46

I wouldn’t leave an 8 year old. But if both parents are ok with it, you’ve voiced your opinion and they ignore you, I don’t think it’s any of your business now

Hospedia · 30/12/2021 14:47

Children where I live are expected to start to walk to and from school themselves from year 4 (age 8-9) to prep them for independence. They're all expected to be doing so by year 5 (age 9-10) because no parents are allowed in the yard at the middle school (year 5 and up). Children also play out here and from the age of 8 would be going to the park or the playing fields with their friends.

FatBettyintheCoop · 30/12/2021 14:54

I think it’s far too young to be left alone and I’m only now leaving 12yr old DS for short periods.

I wonder if those posters saying MYOB are also the same ones berating the mother whose children were left alone and died in a house fire just before Christmas?

Do you live near enough to ex-DIL that you could offer to babysit when she needs to go shopping?

PartyPrawnRingGames · 30/12/2021 14:56

8 is the classic age to be left home alone, isn't it? Surely she can create a series of inventive booby traps and foil any burglars?

Veeveeoxox · 30/12/2021 15:03

It depends on the maturity of the child , my DD who's 8 goes around the village and to the shop with her friend who is 9. She also visits the park we do live in a village though I wouldn't let her in a busy town. I don't leave her at home as I get worried if she was scared etc might consider when she's 10 or 11 if I was going somewhere very local.

SergeantCatFlap · 30/12/2021 15:03

Your son agrees with her and is fine with it. As others have said, your post is just targeting your ex-DIL and not your son.

If you want things to change - keep talking to him - or stay out of the situation. Don't go to anyone's mum.

Veeveeoxox · 30/12/2021 15:04

I also don't let her play out alone has to be with a friend

Kanaloa · 30/12/2021 15:04

I’m usually the one on these threads saying it’s ridiculous, of course the child can stay at home etc, but just turned 8 does seem a bit too young to me. If she was 10/11 I’d be absolutely fine with it but I wouldn’t like it at 8.

However, her mum and dad are both fine with it, so there’s really not much you can do.

PinkWednesdays · 30/12/2021 15:06

Both parents have decided it’s ok, and they know her better than you do. So you need to stay out of it I’m afraid.

Are you the poster by any chance who constantly criticises your ex DIL’s parenting whilst ignoring everything your own son does?

BlondeDogLady · 30/12/2021 15:06

I can't remember now how old my kids were when I left them alone, although I'm sure it wasn't as young as 8.

However, I have a niece who is 8 (she was also 8 in October), and imo there's no way she could be trusted in the house alone. She also doesn't go out alone, but this could be due to location - they live on a busy main road, and there is no park nearby.

So it's a no from me. If you live close by, offer to babysit?

OwlSoup · 30/12/2021 15:09

Potential child neglect is everyone's business and sometimes leaving a child in this way can be a piece of a bigger puzzle.

I'm not saying this is the case of course but leaving a young child alone regularly for up to an hour shows a certain attitude towards childcare

I'd report it I think and let SS decide whether they think it's worth looking into further:

You only have to look at the hideous cases recently to know that concerns need to be reported (of course I'm not suggesting for a single moment they're abusing her!) and you have a concern. Do the right thing and report

namechange30455 · 30/12/2021 15:11

@FatBettyintheCoop

I think it’s far too young to be left alone and I’m only now leaving 12yr old DS for short periods.

I wonder if those posters saying MYOB are also the same ones berating the mother whose children were left alone and died in a house fire just before Christmas?

Do you live near enough to ex-DIL that you could offer to babysit when she needs to go shopping?

Weren't they about 4/5, not 8?!
OwlSoup · 30/12/2021 15:11

@FatBettyintheCoop I agree with you completely.

RedCandyApple · 30/12/2021 15:12

They were 3 and 4 and four of them so definitely not comparable

icedcoffees · 30/12/2021 15:15

@FatBettyintheCoop

I think it’s far too young to be left alone and I’m only now leaving 12yr old DS for short periods.

I wonder if those posters saying MYOB are also the same ones berating the mother whose children were left alone and died in a house fire just before Christmas?

Do you live near enough to ex-DIL that you could offer to babysit when she needs to go shopping?

The children who tragically died in a house fire weren't even school age. - the oldest two were only four.

Comparing that scenario to this one doesn't help anyone.

IMO it's more unusual that you're only just starting to leave your 12yo for short periods. SN aside, most 12yos travel to school alone (on public transport or on foot), and arrive home to an empty house for at least 2-3 hours after school most days, if not everyday.

Around here, they're also left home alone all day during the summer holidays. I don't know any working parents who don't leave their secondary aged children home during the summer holidays - holiday clubs stop at primary school around here anyway.

Christmasismyoyster · 30/12/2021 15:20

So the child is happy
Both parents are happy
Child is mature and sensible
There is no law against it
Child knows what to do in an emergency, knows safety procedures
and child is checked on during that time.

And you’ve already voiced your concerns and they’ve explained to you what measures they’ve taken and that they are happy with the decision they’ve made

But you want to get involved again anyway?

Do you genuinely think they would leave their child to come to harm if it wasn’t for you?

If MIL questioned me repeatedly I’d be very annoyed and would be severely limiting all information she had after that.

If you report it expect to see DGD less.

TheOriginalEmu · 30/12/2021 15:23

Have you offered to look after your GD when her mum has shit to do? Or is judgement all you have to give?

Popopopo · 30/12/2021 15:27

If you have any concerns what so ever about the parenting of your GD then all you can do is tell your son. It's really not appropriate to talk to your ex DIL's mum and a bit odd you would even suggest it. This is between your son and his ex. It's not really any of yours or her mum's business, they aren't kids, they are parents.

BungleandGeorge · 30/12/2021 15:29

I don’t know any schools who allow year 3 to walk home alone. The difference between just turned 8 and 11 is enormous. 8 is very young in terms of size, strength and maturity. If the child can get out so easily I’d be worried about someone getting in.
People need to stop this ‘none of your business’ , if you truly believe the child to be at risk it’s your duty to do something about it. Only you know whether this is malicious or a genuine concern but I don’t think you’re alone having concerns with a child alone for an hour when it’s not particularly necessary. Perhaps first step would be to offer to take her for that time or go to her house and look after her? Possibly next step to chat with someone in safeguarding at school or LA to discuss your concerns and get their opinion?

Soontobe60 · 30/12/2021 15:30

Have you considered offering to look after her if her mum needs to go out to the shops?

RedCandyApple · 30/12/2021 15:31

I don’t know any schools who allow year 3 to walk home alone.

In our school it’s not allowed till year 6 but reading threads on here it seems ours is later than most