Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

They sound painfully middle class.
L

I bet that your husband loves you because you aren’t like them! Don’t change.

I think what I’m mainly getting from this thread is that most of mumsnet think it’s impossible for upper class people to be unpleasant. The forelock tugging is absolutely hilarious.

Tbh I’ve met a number of posh people who are really snobby. Your IL’s snobbery is not necessarily evidence that they’re imposters and that’s not the point anyway.

The issue is that they’re rude and bullying and you should not pander to it.

“You can pay for school but you can’t buy class”

[quote 2022bebetter]@PegasusReturns how though? I don't even know the rules exist until I break them [/quote]
Then I’d approach it as if you were now living in a foreign country.
Look at what they do, and replicate it (eg all the dinner etiquette)
Ask your DH to guide you. He should know really.
And when you make a mistake, remember it’s not your world/country so it not surprising that you didn’t know

And finally, remember who you are. Your DH loves you the way you are. You dont have to become ‘them’.
But it would be good if your DH still has your back. Not meaning to be hurtful is fine but that’s nit a good enough reason to not protect you either (if this is a regular occurence iyswim)

Cross post Fridafever!

They’re not posh, they’re insecure wannabes. How utterly awful for you to have to put up with such insufferable women. If they’d behaved like that in front of any of my public school friends or family they’d have been vilified. Ignore them, they are not who you want to be. As far as table manners go, you can look them up if you want but honestly people learn them to ignore them. They sound like ill mannered monsters, you sound nice. Be happy, it totally fucks off that sort of prat.

Sorry to break it to you OP - but the family you have married isn't really isn't all that if they use words like "common" to describe behaviour.

One of the many internet myths about poshness.

Funnily enough, posh people are not all of a piece. Some are super polite and some are supercilious. Some don’t give a fig about status and some live their life by it.

Nor can it be said that the grander the person the less they care, sometimes the poshest care the most.

The snottiness of the women of the family doesn’t actually tell you anything about their relative status. It does tell you about their values though - and they’re too silly to pay any heed to.

@EmmasMum12

Class is not measured by how we say garage. Class is measured by how kind we are to others

Completely agree.

Charger plates are absolutely not posh. Ghastly things. They fall into the aspirational lower middle class territory. Are they old or new money OP?

@lightand

If you feel unable to handle the situation, ask you husband,. He should be laying down the law with them all. I would be furious with my husband if he didnt intervene and cut them down to size with it all, if I didnt feel able.

And cant your DH's brothers help too? You are being bullied pure and simple. And those around you are letting it happen.

I can't imagine for a second that The Queen would correct how you say garage and surely she is the ultimate of posh?

You crack on as you are OP, they are just showing how ill-mannered and classless they are.

Here are the instructions you need.

Step 1) reduce the amount of time you spend with them it leaves you feeling bad about yourself.

Step 2) some sort of mantra every day and before you go to build your confidence and self esteem "I am enough, what I do is enough, what I have is enough and who I am is enough" is my favourite but likely there is something more specific to your scenario.

Step 3) some mumsnet retorts for anything you really can't ignore "did you mean to be so rude?" Etc.

Step 4) vent and laugh with your friends afterwards.

@AutumnLeaves21

Please don’t change who you are to fit in with these people. The standards they set for you will be impossible to live up to. They sound awful. Have some self confidence and hold your head high.

This 100%. Unfortunately by pandering to them and trying to fit in you’re just going to look weak and needy and they’ll judge you even more as they feel the thrill of control over you and your actions. People who feel the need to correct and judge others are insecure because they are frightened of losing power over others. They need to feel superior to keep the upper hand.

I would just build your self confidence as much as possible and when they start correcting you look them straight in the eye and say “excuse me” then if they try and backpedal say “no I’m sorry, what did you say?” You have to create an impenetrable force field around yourself and save your need to understand and be accomodating to those more worthy of your time and attention.

Don't try and change OP. They sound rude.

Whenever she says, "I could never do/say that, it's so common," (what a vile cow, by the way) reply loudly with "Fuck that! I had no idea people still thought that/behaved like that these days!! Are we still in the 1950s?" Then laugh, a lot. I've employed this tactic, having fallen in, unavoidably, with a crowd of snobs who would try on that type of remark. I think they're rather frightened of me now. I certainly get a lot less bother, and I'd like to think a bit more respect.

As well as ill-mannered, they sound totally insecure. My DH's family are very 'old money', public schools, Oxbridge etc. and are kind and lovely and relaxed and would be horrified if they felt they made someone feel inferior. They are not worried about appearances in the slightest and all of their circle of friends and extended family are exactly the same. Yours sound more Hyacinth Bouquet tbh.

[quote 2022bebetter]@My200lbLife dinner etiquette is my weakness!

I once used the charger plate as my main plate that didn't go down well.[/quote]
What The hell is a charger plate?!

Please don't go changing yourself for these people. They're being very rude correcting how to speak. So so rude.

@Donotgogentle

Tbh I’ve met a number of posh people who are really snobby. Your IL’s snobbery is not necessarily evidence that they’re imposters and that’s not the point anyway.

The issue is that they’re rude and bullying and you should not pander to it.

Exactly.

This idea that real posh people aren’t snobby is a purely sentimental notion.

@IGotHam DH family is realistically new money. Awful expression really. But his seriously lovely Dad worked very hard.

Both him and and DH and sister and brother think MIL can do no wrong.

SIL is 'old money'. DH gave me a lovely watch for my 30th. I got told hers (much fancier) was second hand and inherited when she was 16, making it clear that was superior.

As soon as they say something like that say "oh I could never say something like that, it sounds so snobby"

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

She sounds terribly ill bred.

I reckon Nanny should take her in hand.

Well who knew Garridge was posh, I always thought garrage was posh!

It sounds like sil is snobby rather than "posh".