Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common'

No member of the true upper crust would ever utter these words. She's clearly no better than she ought to be

These people may be upper class but they certainly ain’t classy. The poshest people I know are AMAZINGLY good with people from all walks of life and put them at ease so well. Likewise, the working class people I know are also so themselves that they put everyone at ease.

It’s the try-hard middles and upper-middles that make a big deal about class (see: most of mumsnet) but the classiest people will never make you feel like that, so please try not to worry or change to fit in!

Through my work I’ve met a lot of proper posh people (included landed gentry and titled aristocrats) - one thing they all have in common is impeccable manners and they would never ever be so rude. I know it’s not the question you asked but really these people are not posh they are just snobs and you should just try to ignore them. This behaviour says more about them than it does about you if you ask me! Sorry, they sound horrid!

Incidentally, I know one unashamedly working class woman (proudly so, as she should be) married to a multi-millionaire, if not billionaire. . . she doesn't pretend to be what she isn't, is proud of what she is, and her husband loves the pants off her, is fiercely proud of her, and so damned happy to be with her, after his previous partner who, from the sounds of it, was built more on the lines of MIL and SIL.

And God she's fun to be around!

I could never do xx, so tacky / common'

Perhaps you could point out that it's common to say common (apparently). The word is vulgar.

And she's entirely wrong about the pronunciation of garage too

“I just want to know what faux pas to avoid.”

That’s impossible. If snobs are looking to catch you out there will be hundreds of bear traps: pronunciation, clothes, table manners, holiday destinations, schools etc, etc.

I wouldn’t squander a moment of your energy trying to pander to their nonsense. It’s a game you can’t win. There’s nothing whatsoever wrong with you and it’s really nasty of them to try and make you feel as if there is.

I’m from a similar background to your dh. His family sound appalling- rude and narrow-minded. What does your dh have to say about their behaviour?

I’d either just ignore it or steer clear of them.

Fuck me. Charger plates and garahhge.

These people aren’t posh OP.

No one that was truly regarded as posh way would act like that. Your husband chose you because he loves you the way you are so don't change to become like them.
Its exhausting. It's more genuine to be yourself.
You haven't been pronouncing garage incorrectly, people pronounce it differently. The same way as 'almond ' etc and also an accent creates different sounds. Just relax and them get on with it. They've got the problem not you.

Firstly it’s actually very ‘low class’ to be rude and ungracious, so they’re probably not as posh as they’re trying to be

I would just endlessly take the mickey - ‘garage, oh sorry garaaaaaaage’ with a wink

Or play them at their own game, ‘the really posh people I know all have excellent manners and wouldn’t dream of being rude. It’s the nouveau riche who look down on others isn’t it?’

Have fun with it. They sound unbearable so if they did like you it wouldn’t be flattering!

Not exactly the same but I worked somewhere very posh. I'm state school, working class. My first day I was asked "what does your father do?" I replied, "actually nothing now because he died a few years ago."
You would think that would have put her off. But no, she continued with "before he passed, what did he do?"
This fucked me off because my father's job/status has no bearing on me. I replied "he was in media distribution with roaming staff" made out like he was Rupert Murdoch...Really he owned a newsagents and had about 16 paperboys!
Ignore your SIL, she is showing herself up, not you!

@2022bebetter

Well yes, I'd love to tell them to F off and not care but I do!

I just want to know what faux pas to avoid.

@Shiningpath I say 'garridge' which is common apparently.

The thing is if you can’t win by taking this approach:

a) the number of potential faux pas is infinitesimal
b) it’s subjective: one posh person’s faux pas will be different from another’s. There isn’t one common standard of poshness that they all adhere to
c) listen to the people who say the poshest thing to do is to act like you don’t care. This is spot on. A posh person can smell a mile off if you are modifying yourself to try to be like them and they will hate you for it. Being honest about yourself is far more likely to win them over.

TBH they sound like wankers anyway so I wouldn’t lose sleep over what they think

@Shiningpath

How are you saying ‘garage’?

Garage doesn't rhyme carriage.

Genuinely wealthy people are not like this

Sound like 'new' money to me

[quote 2022bebetter]@My200lbLife dinner etiquette is my weakness!

I once used the charger plate as my main plate that didn't go down well.[/quote]
What is a charger plate OP.
I'm a commoner and proud

@ChristmasRobins he thinks his mum is a sweet old lady that is misunderstood. He gets very protective of her...

Sister he agrees is snobbish but adores his sister in law and thinks she doesn't mean it.

But he's always knows how to act so has probably never felt out of place in his life!

@ShirleyPhallus

These people may be upper class but they certainly ain’t classy. The poshest people I know are AMAZINGLY good with people from all walks of life and put them at ease so well. Likewise, the working class people I know are also so themselves that they put everyone at ease.

It’s the try-hard middles and upper-middles that make a big deal about class (see: most of mumsnet) but the classiest people will never make you feel like that, so please try not to worry or change to fit in!

So true. The wannabe upper middle class people are THE WORST (even though they are usually just insecure which is why they are mean).

they sound like proper jumped up nothings to me

I can tell you, someone genuinely posh would rather hang out with Daisy and Onslow than with Hyacinth Bucket.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do!

Manners is not mentioning any faux pas. Mentioning it is bad form.
It has been attributed to Queen Victoria and The Queen, who when they saw a guest drink from a finger bowl, said nothing but merely drank from their own finger bowl.

Manners are about making people feel at home. Not proving a point.

Please don’t change who you are to fit in with these people. The standards they set for you will be impossible to live up to.

This. OP I have been in a similar position to you for 15 years. Initially it bothered me and tbh attempting to emulate their affectations in order to fit in only made it worse. Your DH loves you - love yourself. I had an epiphany a few years back that I am what I am and that is bloody alright thank you very much. Their ways are no better than yours - why is their pronunciation of "garage" the "right" one?

I would honestly laugh at their small-mindedness. You are who you are... there's no "right" or "wrong" way to be - we're all just apes with giant brains rotating around a burning sphere of gas, after all. If they say something is common, tease them "Oh right, I forgot to add the hot dogs and ketchup into the recipe!" "Oops must have forgotten my Corrie t-shirt!" There's absolutely nothing wrong with being common FFS... People who think they're better because they wear the "right thing" to the polo match are hilarious....

@RingBinderInjury

Be happy in the knowledge that by uttering the words “so common” out loud and purposefully putting you down she has revealed her true nouveau riche self. How embarrassing for her.

This - it’s very common and social climbing lower to middle middle class to call someone else “common”.

A true posh person would probably be looking down on your social class, but you’d never know it - that’s the way of the genuinely posh people I’ve encountered!

Manners are about making people feel at home. Not proving a point.

Oh and this. This, this, this.

In essence you re just being abused and put down by egotistical people. Beyond that, all facets of poshness are pure fake.
Do they live in a 5 million pound house, with holiday home(s) abroad? No? Their poshness is just bullshit. I ve meet oligarchs who are not posh. What you describe is unfriendliness, and probably just the difference between a working class and affluent middle class upbringing.